Monday, July 30, 2007

Gone

She's gone.

She let go early this morning after what, I'm sure, was a very long night. Slipped away while most of her family was out of the room. After having eleven children and raising ten to adulthood, after loving 18 grandchildren and six great grandchildren, and giving her everything to those around her whom she cherished she left us on her own terms. Peace at last.

I wonder if she found the outstretched hand of my mother - strong again now that she's free of cancer - and grasped it firmly in both of hers, happy to see the ones she had lost. I wonder if she immediately found my Papa, who was waiting for her for only 8 months, and he gave her a smile and said "Jesus Christ, old lady, it sure took you long enough to get here. Were you shacking up with some other guy or something?". If she found my real grandfather, my mother's dad who died when they were so young, and they're now catching up on old times. If she's with my young uncle who died so tragically and the young baby she lost so many years ago to pneumonia.

So much loss in our lives over the past few years, but this one is particularly tough. Without her to anchor us we will be left to drift apart.

And so, another wake, another funeral, one more chance to get the family together and make promises. We'll get together soon. This fall, Christmas, next summer. Most won't happen. Not without Gram to bring us together at her large kitchen table.

Not without our Gram.

But I thank you for all the thoughts. A surprise to open my email and see them all. Thank you.

84 comments:

cape buffalo said...

Chicky, I'm so very sorry. Of all the people in my life that I've lost, I miss my mother's mom the most. There's something about the love of a grandmother.

Let me know if I can help.

Sandra said...

With tears in my eyes, I am sending the most supportive thoughts and sincere offer to help.

I am sure she is there hugging your mom and gramps tightly and feeling the love of her family who adore her.

I am so deeply sorry for your loss my friend.

ali said...

oh, chicky, i'm sending lots and lots of hugs your way.

Kizz said...

I'm so sorry.

kara said...

so sorry.

sam said...

Words can't express how sorry I am! You and your family are in my thoughts!

*hugs*

Smiling Mom said...

I am so sorry. :-(

I'm so happy that you had a chance to see her yesterday.

I hope you can find so peace in the coming weeks.

jen said...

i am so sorry for your pain, sister. i am glad she is at peace.

thinking of you.

For the Love... said...

In grief, finding peace was always what I wanted most.....sending peaceful thoughts your way.

MamaLee said...

I'm so sorry.

And your gram IS at peace now. And will be with you forever, right in your pocket. Seeing everything. She is now your light.

I hope you and your family can carry on traditions without her - try your best, if you want it to be so.

And know that too many of us understand. I lost my Dad 8 years ago tomorrow. So I especially feel you today.

((((hugs))))

Lara said...

i see strength and beauty in your reflections here, and i'm grateful that you had such a wonderful presence in your life. i am sending hugs and healing thoughts to you and your whole family.

kgirl said...

I'm so, so sorry. I'll be thinking about you and your family.

dana said...

I'm sorry to hear about your Gram. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

I'm sorry I didn't get the chance to meet you at blogher, too.

Kyla said...

Again, I am just so incredibly sorry. What a loss for you all. You are in our thoughts and prayers, Mrs. Chicky.

Major Bedhead said...

What a sad and lovely post.

It's times like these when I hate the internet because you can't give hugs thru the ether. But I'm sending them to you anyway, and wishing you and your family peace and strength.

Not a Princess said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sure your Gram is surrounded again by people who love her. It helps a little to think of that but it is so hard to be the one left behind. Hold tight to your sweet Chicky I find that helps more than anything.

Julie Pippert said...

Your words are so poignant, I feel it with you. (((((HUGS))))))

canape said...

I am so sorry for all of your losses. Your Gram sounds like she was an amazing woman.

kittenpie said...

Oh, Chicky. I'm crying for you now. This was a beautiful post, and I could just feel the love you have for her. It's hard to let go sometimes, isn't it? if there's anything that might make it the tiniest mite easier for you, tell me, 'kay? (More) Canadian chocolate, perhaps? (More) cuddles, maybe? Meanwhile, I have you in my thoughts and my heart, and since I haven't done the laundry yet, in my shirt sleeves. Hugs to you, my new friend.

Binky said...

I'm so sorry.

GRAY MATTER MATTERS said...

I don't know that I can add anything more beautiful and eloquent than the other ladies have, and your post was lovely.
What a gift to have had her as part of your life for so long, and as someone who lost her parent to cancer when I was 22 I understand the relief that comes with the end of a loved-one's suffering. I'm sure she's overjoyed to be with her husband again. Hang in there, thinking of you.

Mommy off the Record said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. Somehow I know that she is in a better place surrounded by all of her loved ones. I hope that thought can bring you some peace during this difficult time.

Avalon said...

Mrs. C~~~ Nothing more to say than I'm so sorry.

Pattie said...

Oh I am so, so sorry for the loss of your Grandmother. She sounds like she lead an extraordinary full life...all those people she touched.
I am thinking of you and your family.

Mrs. Schmitty said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Your post was a beautiful tribute. God Bless.

Jennifer aka Binky Bitch said...

Oh, no. I'm so sorry.

Lawyer Mama said...

I'm so so sorry, Mrs. C. My husband just lost his grandmother while we were at BlogHer and it's never easy, even when it's expected. My thoughts are with you.

moosh in indy. said...

Sorry doll face, big squishy hugs from me.

Pinks & Blues Girls said...

Chicky,

I am so so so sorry.

Your family is in my thoughts and my prayers. It sounds like your Gram had a long, full, happy life.

That is a beautiful thing.

Please know you have a "family" of friends out here if you need anything.

- Audrey
Pinks & BLues Girls

NoMommy said...

So sorry for your loss.

margalit said...

I'm so sorry, Ms C. I wish your family the very best in this time of sorrow. And extra hugs for you.

PunditMom said...

I'm so sorry to hear of her passing. Our thoughts are with you.

Momish said...

I am so sorry for you loss. My thoughts are with you and your family as you struggle through this difficult time.

flutter said...

blessings to you and yours, and to your most beautiful Gran.

I am thinking of you.

Lisa said...

I am so very, very sorry. My heart aches for you and your family.

Sending you hugs.

carrie said...

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I hope that your wonderful family will find a way to gather at someone's big kitchen table and tell stories about your Gram.

Big hug to you.

Carrie

binkytown said...

Chicky, I know this will sound so cliche, especially now, but try and hold on to the good times and remember all the love you shared. That never goes away. Im really sorry.

Jenny said...

Oh sweetie. I just wish I could pick you up and make it all right again.

I'm so sorry. I'm here for anything...even if it's just to tell you that I'm thinking of you.

mamatulip said...

I'm sorry, Mrs. C. Sending you strength and positive vibes. xo

Rock the Cradle said...

Huge hugs to you. My Nana was the anchor too. It may be that eventually, someone in your family will inherit that role.

But you're right. It will never be the same. It hurts hard.

I'm glad you're with the ones who love you best.

I'll be thinking of you.

andi said...

I'm glad you got to see her before she passed away. I'm so sorry she's gone. You're in my thoughts.

Jenifer said...

Chicky, I know exactly how you feel. We are coming up on the 1 year anniversary of my Gram's death. See here..http://dispatchmom.blogspot.com/2006/12/grandmas-hold-our-tiny-hands-for-just.html

and here..http://dispatchmom.blogspot.com/2007/07/i-cried-over-spoon.html

(Sorry no idea how to make a link..)

to know you are not alone.

Magpie said...

I'm so sorry.

~JJ! said...

I'm so sorry Chicky!!!

I am so glad you got to see her. Please take care and know I am always here with my shoulder for you...

(((hugs)))

Ms. Huis Herself said...

So sorry for your loss. She sounds like an incredible person.

Christina said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like she had a full life, with no lack of love surrounding her. But it's still not easy for the ones left behind.

Ruth Dynamite said...

Oh Mrs. C. Sad news indeed. I'm thinking of you.

The Estrogen Files said...

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry you are facing this loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this tough time.

Bon said...

i'm sorry, Chicky.

your love for her shines through your words with such force.

Hannah said...

I'm so sorry to hear that your Gram is gone. My thoughts are with you and your family.

FENICLE said...

I pray for peace in your heart. What a lovely tribute and way to remember a life well celebrated.

mothergoosemouse said...

Mrs. C, I am so terribly sorry. What you wrote about the inevitable drifting apart touched me most of all.

Wishing I could be there to give you another hug.

Mrs. Chicken said...

I'm so sorry. It hurts so much when we lose the ones we hold dear. And I understand very clearly that age makes no difference.

Wishing I could hug you, hurting for your double loss - your gram, and your history.

xoxo

In the Trenches of Mommyhood said...

My condolences. So, so, so very sorry.

BOSSY said...

Bossy feels you. Fer Christ Sake. It's never easy, especially with someone so dynamic. The only thing you can do is vow to become the one to fill some of those gaps. Become the organizer... provide the large kitchen table. It's a tough job, Chicky, but you can do anything.

Chris said...

Frequent reader, delurking to say that I'm so sorry and what a truly beautiful post.
Prayers are with you and your family.

Mom101 said...

I am so so sorry T. I am sending you strong, healing thoughts and wishing you peace.

mo-wo said...

A sweetness you put on this sadness. What a very special lady you show us. Thanks for that. Know you have our sympathies. Hugs to you from the Wo's

GIRL'S GONE CHILD said...

I'm so sorry. Thinking of you and sending you hugs through the interwebs.

ewe are here said...

Oh oh oh.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

petite gourmand said...

so sorry for your loss chicky..she sounds like she was a wonderful lady.

SUEB0B said...

You're right - the grandmas are the glue that hold many families together.

I am sorry, Mrs C. Hugs.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

I'm so sorry for your loss.

That really sucks.

Cate said...

I'm so sorry.

pinks & blues girls said...

I am so sorry about your Gram. Losing a loved one is just devastating. I am sure your Gram is looking down on you with such love and pride. Allow yourself time to grieve.

Jane, P&B Girls

Blog Antagonist said...

I'm late commenting, but I'm so very sorry about your grandmother. They are such very, very special people in our lives and losing them is so hard.

Alex Elliot said...

I am so sorry.

slouching mom said...

I'm very sorry. I know -- there's really no one like our grandmothers.

Slackermommy said...

I'm so sorry. I feel your pain. I lost a family member in the wee hours of today also. Big hugs to you.

Damselfly said...

Wonderfully written, but I'm so sorry to hear about your grandma. The love goes on....

ALM said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.

Karl said...

Just reading this, after I read your BlogHer post. So sorry to hear about your Gram. Cancer really blows.

Mrs Big Dubya said...

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss -- hopefully all your wonderful memories will comfort you and make you laugh during this sad time.

mayberry said...

I'm so sorry Chicky. I still miss my Grandma a lot and it's been exactly 10 years. Peace & love to you all.

Whirlwind said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandma. I am glad you got to see her one last time before she passed.

Justice Jones said...

What a nice tribute to your gram. I'm sorry about your loss. My prayers are with you and your family.

Lena said...

I am so very sorry T. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

((hugs))

Super B's Mom said...

So sorry for your loss. It sounds like she was an amazing woman.

Whymommy said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. She sounds like a wonderful woman.

Jenn said...

I am so sorry. What beautiful writing, though. She sounds like she was amazing!

Michele said...

So sorry for your loss. Your post was a beautiful tribute.

Fairly Odd Mother said...

I'm so sorry for you all. She sounds like a wonderful person and I hope she is surrounded by those loved ones who went before her.

BabyWhisperingLoudly said...

So sorry for your loss.

cooler*doula said...

Hey Mrs C,

I'm so very sorry - love and light to you and yours.