On the left, information on different IUDs. On the right, a prescription for prenatal vitamins.
Einy, Meiny, Miny, Mo. Catch a baby by the toe. If it hollers let it go. Out pops...
In the spring, Mr. C and I decided to "revisit" the idea of having a second baby, but only after I cavorted drunkenly at Blogher and sowed some Quaker oats.
The term "wild" does not pertain to me anymore, sadly. I'll probably be churning my own butter soon. But I digress.
Due to a baggage snafu, and some poor packing on my part, my birth control pills were left behind in Boston while I went on to Chicago for Blogher. (Hello, Dr. Freud) I decided that was as good a time as any to stop taking them. Step one of get me preggers was in action.
(And I feel fantastic, by the way. No more wanting to throw myself in front of a bus! I highly recommend chucking your birth control pills if you can.)
My weekend in Chicago is nothing more than a blurry memory now, so we could not avoid the discussion any longer. We had to have the talk.
Dum, dum, duummmmm.
And...
Yep, still can't decide. Neither one of us. Stick with our one and only or become part of the American dream and strive for that 2.3 kid demographic? No freaking idea.
I'll be honest, the idea of having a second child scares the beejubs out of me. It took many, many years to get to the point where I could deal with having Chicky. I'm just not a kid person.
Actually, let me rephrase that. I'm not an infant person. I do love babies - the smell of slightly dirty baby head, tiny little baby shoes, that soft, smushy feeling when a baby falls asleep in my arms - but the rest of it? Eh. Not for me, thanks.
Not to mention my pregnancy with Chicky was a nightmare of epic proportions. Saying that I was nauseous for my entire pregnancy doesn't really do it justice. I was projectile vomiting for at least three months before my doctor took pity on me. She prescribed Zofran which, for those of you who had blessed pregnancies and never got sick (bitches), is an anti-nausea medication typically given to cancer patients going through chemotherapy. It helped. I was able to eat again, so that was a plus. But I was always in a state of constant nausea.
Hey, it kept me really thin. That's a plus I suppose.
There were more complications, but I'm really tired of bitching about my heinous pregnancy. It's not just carrying a kid again that scares me. It's not the fear of sciatica, extreme exhaustion, and constant puking. It's not even the fear of having another colicky baby who never, ever sleeps. Ever. It's the fear of throwing my life into complete upheaval that makes me want to hide under the covers until I go through menopause.
I like my life the way it is, okay? I said it. So there. I'm happy with one kid.
I've always felt like I was missing the necessary gene that made women all baby crazy. All my life I've felt inadequate due to my reluctance to have kids, like I'm less of a woman somehow. Now that I've taken the plunge and had a kid of my own I'm genuinely happy to be a mom. Chicky is amazing in every possible way and life wouldn't be the same without her.
I'd scream less, but that's besides the point. I'd love less too.
I have love in my heart for a second, but I'm content with the way things are now.
One is portable, two is a field trip.
One is manageable, two is a second mortgage.
One is amazing, two is... Well, I don't know what the comparison would be. My sister and I have an amazing relationship. Mr. C and his sister do too. It's hard to find fault with baby number two when you've got nothing but good experiences to base your decision on.
And if I'm not being so selfish as to worry just about myself and my relationship with my husband, there is Chicky to worry about. I've said having a second child for the benefit of the first is no reason to get pregnant again but Chicky is just so damn maternal and nurturing. She's got a lot of love to give too.
Chicky, my little monkey wrench.
Not a real baby, but must protect its sensitive glass eyes from sun damage just the same.
The conversation has been "revisited" since Chicago - ahem - so we'll see what happens. We've given ourselves a date to try until, I guess we'll just throw caution to the wind and see what fate has in store for us. The last time Mr. C looked at me cross-eyed and I got knocked up so it should be interesting to see what happens this time.Until then I should probably get those prenatal vitamins. Just in case.
59 comments:
You're totally speaking my language. I've been married for almost three years now, and still don't have that urge to have a baby. The fact is, most kids annoy me, except for my sister's boys.
And whenever the subject of kids comes up between me and my husband, I can't help but think of the luxurious weekend mornings when I sleep in... being able to leave the house at a moment's notice with just me and my purse... devoting all my time to my greatest joy (being with my doggies)... and doing anything else just doesn't appeal to me.
I may change my mind in time. But for now, my mom and my sister are the "New England mamas" in our group. I just tag along. :)
Jane, Pinks & Blues Girls
How exciting! It is quite a decision, but the idea of another little Chicklet makes me all giddy!
(I hear you on the heinous pregnancies. Oh my. I'd tell you the second time is better, but I'd rather not lie to you. But worth it? TOTALLY. And she's put me through the wringer, so that's saying something.)
See: http://shesjustanothermanicmommy.blogspot.com/2007/08/goddamn-clock-tick-tick-tick.html.
I'm looking for answers too. Those who can't, teach, so let me give you my input:
From Chicky's standpoint: I would not choose to be an only child. I think having at least one person in your life who totally gets you is extremely important.
From a mommy's standpoint: I have two boys who are completely different. I worshipped my older son and constantly asked the question: "how could I ever love another person this much?" The answer is: you just do.
It's really hard at first - and sometimes later - because the first still expects everything s/he expects but there's this new little person who is reliant on you for everything. But you're giving your child everything - including a built-in best friend.
Good luck! Maybe we'll meet up sometimes and split a couple of folic acid tablets.
Can you believe that Husband and I once thought we would have 5 or 6 kids?? Yeah. Pretty ignorant. The reality of children is very different from what the childless perceive it to be. Not that it's not wonderful, but it's hard work and it takes a lot of patience. And I found out that I don't do well when my life is thrown into chaos. I like order. I like routine. So, after two, I realized that it was enough.
Some days, two is too much. Some days, I think I could have handled more.
((shrug)). I don't think there is any right answer. But I will say, that once we started having to pay for sports, braces, instrument rental....I was enormously glad that we stopped at two.
Good luck with your decision. Know that whatever you decide, Chicky will adapt and thrive.
I get it. I REALLY get it. Obviously I'm trying again even though I'm terrified and I really like my life right now and I'm not embarrased to say I did not like my life when I had a newborn in the house.
I was thinking yesterday after the recent events and my first go around if I could have someone hand me another baby that was 12 months old life would be good. All this pregnancy and childbirth business has not been a sunshine and rainbow experience.
I just think I really love the one I have now and I want him to have a sibling and if that means I have to lose my mind for 12 months, and I know I will get to the place I am now when they are a little older and life feels somewhat normal again, I just have to keep my eyes on the end prize.
I just want to say that Chicky is ADORABLE! Such pretty hair! I'm 100% behind you whatever you choose to do, just so you know. One baby, two babies, heck, be like me and have three babies! It's all good :)
Well, you already know what I think about having two. And you already know what I think about the Paragard IUD.
So I'll just tell you that however it works out, it will be wonderful. And I've got your back either way.
I have two (one is 2 years and the other is 8 weeks). I am done. I don't want any more.
My husband, on the other hand, not so much. He wants to try for a boy, but would be happy with another girl, I think.
I definitely have love for a third, but we don't have room or money for a 3rd. At times I feel like I am ... I dunno, inferior as a woman because I don't want to have any more kids (this might be partly due to my SIL's comment when I mentioned the no-more-kids-thing: "well, we're definitely having more, they (her kids) are more precious to me than I can say." Niiiiiice, so my kids aren't precious because I don't want to have a passel of them?! grr...)
Anyways, I wholeheartedly recommend having a 2nd baby. One is amazing, two is amazinger. You get to watch your first become a big sibling. Emily (the 2 year old) insisted on getting down out of Grandma's arms this morning so she could climb up in the van to kiss and rub noses with her baby sister.
Good luck with the decision (and possible baby making)!
I am a strong proponent of Good People reproducing as a Public Service. ;) I mean, my goodness, look what you made the first time! :) So go forth and multiply! (Or divide, depending upon how you think of it rahhahahaha...little fertility cellular humor.)
However, have you been by my blog today (sorry haven't even read my own comments so I have to ask LOL)?
THAT is what I get for thinking I needed to have a sibling for my daughter. I am outnumbered. I am outsmarted.
Yes, two is a field trip. Two means nobody ever gets enough. Two means plots and conspiracies. Two means one distract mom and two get what you want.
But, two also means team work. Two means one entertains the other and mom is the grownup. Usually. Okay sometimes. Two means extra love.
I don't think this is at all a decision you can determine as "right."
I think it is a decision from the heart, and a matter of what weighs more for you.
I don't know why we decided to have two but we did, and it was indeed a conscious decision since both required extensive effort to conceive, including doctors, drugs, all sort of complicated rigamarole.
We didn't decide to stop at two; my body made that choice for us.
So I'm not good at helping people choose. Choice isn't something I link with reproduction.
But I am good at saying, truthfully, that it all works out fine, whatever you do. There are pros and cons all the way around.
Sometimes P1 says she wishes she was an only child, and other times she'd be lost completely without her sister.
Good luck!!
Julie
Using My Words
Well if "super sperm" is a factor... you don't even have to be in the same room to get preggers again! We went back and forth on the issue for a while and finally, our son was having a WONDERFUL week, opted to stop the BC and try. We got preggers on the first try AGAIN and then our son truly hit the terrible twos. He turned for a loving angel to a screaming hitting demon! Makes us reconsider it all! But I wouldn't do it any other way. It will be tough, our son had a HORRID first 6 months, and hopefully things will be better this time around.
We are about 5 months along and getting more nervous daily. But when our little "boy in mommys tummy" kicks, I smile!
TWO boys...what WILL I DO!
Well if "super sperm" is a factor... you don't even have to be in the same room to get preggers again! We went back and forth on the issue for a while and finally, our son was having a WONDERFUL week, opted to stop the BC and try. We got preggers on the first try AGAIN and then our son truly hit the terrible twos. He turned for a loving angel to a screaming hitting demon! Makes us reconsider it all! But I wouldn't do it any other way. It will be tough, our son had a HORRID first 6 months, and hopefully things will be better this time around.
We are about 5 months along and getting more nervous daily. But when our little "boy in mommys tummy" kicks, I smile!
TWO boys...what WILL I DO!
I feel like the other side has to represent. I am nothing if not the other side in this one.
I'm an only child. There's nothing wrong with being an only child. Despite my parents being utter nutjobs and turning me into what amounts to a single parent rather than an only child now that I'm grown up I wouldn't actually have it any other way.
I'm not a parent and the thought of even the smoothest pregnancy makes the entire underside of my skin start to quiver in a panic sort of reaction. However, if through conquering the panic or adoption or magic I became a parent I would probably stick to just one. There are plenty of outlets for nurturing kids, they don't need siblings.
All that being said, I don't see how anyone could wish for anything but for you to do whatever makes you truly, honestly happy. So that's what I hope you get either way.
It's really what you want. If your happy with one child, than there's no need to add more.
I on the other hand, sometimes wish I had another one (I know, crazy!)
Having one child was a big decision for us. Having a second was an even bigger one. For a long time we just wanted one. I'm glad that my kids are spaced out, they're just about 3 years apart, because I'm not a huge baby person and I couldn't handle having a newborn and a toddler at the same time. When my younger son was a newborn, my older one was starting preschool so I've had time alone with both kids. Before we decided to get pregnant, we had a long conversation about what our expectations were for number two (courtesy of our marriage counselor. No, nothing was wrong, we did counseling because we were having in-law problems). We decided for us, us being the key word here, that we didn't want to have a second baby with the expectation that he or she would be our older son's best friend. We personally would be thrilled if they were, but there's just no guarantee. We wanted another baby not to complete us or anything, but just for him or her. Our family already felt "complete". Again, that's just us though. It's a really hard decision. Good luck with whatever you decide!
Wow. I wish you luck.
I'm still just as happy with my one.
I thought I was defective too...That I didn't want any kids...then I had one and I thought I was defective cause I was content with just her...
Still am. I'm content to be defective.
Does your family feel complete? Only you can answer that.
But I can tell you that I'm not a baby person (I love toddlers though, so clearly I'm weird) but my second baby has been much more enjoyable because I'm much more relaxed. Experience counts for a lot.
Honestly, the first month I had two kids was the worst thing I have ever experienced - but things got easier very quickly. Now I hardly remember what it was like to have only one kid.
I totally hear you-- I guess we sort of "lucked out" in that I got mahself knocked up on accident with #2 a week before #1's first birthday (OMG, it totally sucked for about six months.) I had a great first baby, and felt I was slapping fate in the face to ask for the same with #2. I was not disappointed. Fate bitch slapped me with a child that still, at 18 months, rarely sleeps through the night.
Now? I am so glad it happened like it did. Each has someone to play with, roughly and gently. Someone else to love them. To distract them. To laugh at the same joke twenty times in a row. They protect each other even though they are an affront to one another regularly. I heard a great saying once, after I was already pregnant and therefore the point was moot:
"First children live in an adult's world. Second children live in a child's world."
It could not be more true. #2 totally and completely rocked our world, and it was so much harder than bringing the first one home. However, he lived in a home with adult things and mindsets. #2 already had "trained" parents, and more plastic than you can shake your lead-based paint at. Everyone in our family has reaped the benefits of that hard work, and that boundless love.
I love your honesty. In this day & age it's difficult stating you are a 1 child family...but bravo for knowing your limitations & strengths.
The right thing will happen in your family. At least you're thinking things through!!
We are at a debate of whether I can (after a car accident) have another OR if we even want to pursue that path at this point...
I could practically copy & paste half of your post, as well as half of the comments to your post... I always said I wasn't having kids, and most kids drive me crazy (I have no patience - which I've been told comes with having kids of your own - we'll see) but the hubs has been wanting kids for a while now (even before we were married) and I've finally decided that I think our cruise in 6 months would be the perfect time to start trying... we'll see what happens... but I think I also missed out on some of the "ohmigosh-I-wanna-be-a-momma-so-bad" genes... my sister is the baby freak... ah well... I'm glad I'm not the only one who's ever felt this way... thanks for sharing :)
ooh, i'm excited for you. maybe you'll have a newborn at blogher '08 and i can meet you AND the little one. :)
I gotta be honest, we're tryign for #2 now, but it took a long time (like, Pumpkinpie is nearly 3.5) to get to that decision. I won't be heartbroken if it doesn't happen, though I've finally concluded it would be nice. Either way... I won't be going to any extreme lengths for it, should it not be as instantaneously easy as last time, that's for sure.
Good luck, Mrs. Chicky. I, also, have never been a woman who felt compelled all my life to be a mother. I am thrilled to be PunditGirl's mom, but I can't say I ever had a burning desire. But strangely enough, when PG was about 4, I went through some weird thing where for months I felt like, "MUST. ADOPT. SECOND. CHILD. NOW!!!"
Mr. PunditMom, who has two daughters from his first marriage, "politely" suggested that I lie down until the feeling passed!
I could have written this. Every word of it.
Oooooh, babe! We are sooo much alike it's scary. Of course, our little "accident" ended the debate about whether or not to have a second. I was scared. to. death.
My pregnancy with the first was also nightmarish. I took zofran too, but it just kind of blurred the edge of the nausea. It was still there. I gained a total of 9 pounds with Hollis's pregnancy because I lost so much from barfing. Then there was the nightmare that was Hollis's infancy.
But, Holden was different. I threw up, but usually only once a day. He was an angel baby. Of course now, he's a dare devil and will be the death of me, but he's snuggly and sweet and oh so adorable. Sigh. Plus, watching H&H interact makes me heart ache. At times it's so sweet. It makes me want a 3rd, something I NEVER thought I'd say.
Hey, but whatever you decide, you'll make the best decision for the 3 of you. (I have an IUD. No more hormonal roller coaster. Love it.)
This is a really, really hard decision and there aren't any 'right' or 'wrong' answers. It sounds like you guys are going to try for another, so have fun! And, I agree with the commenter above---I was SO much more relaxed with #2---and by the time I had a third, I was Ms. Laid Back. I barely even flinch when I see blood anymore.
Chicky, you *are* Bossy's soul sister, right down to the all-day sickness, infant ho-hum, and second kid ambivalence. Bossy opted in, even after the sage advice of her cousin, "You know it's not written anywhere that there has to be two..."
Then again Bossy's kids are far apart in age which was her only saving grace against that childish background static that Bossy isn't cut out for.
Bossy thinks it's important to take all that imagery about Siblings Playing Together and chuck it all out the window. Consider the worst possibility of nonstop arguments over who sits in the front seat and THEN consider if you're up for fifteen years of that.
Many people select 'yes'.
By the by, Bossy misses Chicky. You could always scrap plans for another kid and relocate a few states away to Bossy's neighborhood. How's that for a plan?
good luck, whatever happens.
Last week I took some food over to a friend with a new baby. MQ played with her older daughter, Rose, while I held that tiny infant in my arms. Today in the car MQ said to me "Rose is so lucky, she has another kid." Heart breaking into a million pieces for my only child. But she will be fine, I know she will. But sometimes I wish...
That call is a tough one to ignore, isn't it?
Whatever you guys decide, you know it will turn out to be the best decision you could have made... even if I'm secretly hoping that you do need those vitamins. Sorry, I'm a whore for happy news these days.
How'd you get inside my head to read my thoughts? Seriously creepy. Don't do that again, okay?
Well, unless you bring wine. Then you can let yourself in.
If it does happen for you, I predict you'll find it easier than you imagine. It's so much easier to be laid back with the second one. And I don't know if it's cause and effect, but the second one is often more laid back as well.
I'm an only w/ 3 step sibs ... and then our parents got divorced too, so technically I'm an only with bonus sibs by love not marriage or blood.
Hubs is an only only.
The pact in our house was if the first was a girl we could be done, if the first was a boy we were having a second one b/c I needed a girl.
Then we had a boy. And I feel... complete ..99 percent of the time. At least for me the decision to even think about a second will be put off till hubs no longer has to travel all the time - number one refuses to sleep and there's no way I'm risking a second non sleeper and lots of time on my own.
And really, whichever you choose, you'll think is the right choice.
K says every child should have a sibling so they have someone with whom they can lament the horror freak show that of their parents.
Best of luck to you, no matter what you decide!
I was an only child and turned out just fine. Right?
We went through this when we decided to try for a second. There were a lot of things to consider. Are we thrilled to have Mira? Absolutely. I can't even remember what life was like without her.
Were we really prepared for another child. Not really. I wasn't prepared for the crazy workload involved in caring for two. I'm told this is the hardest period right now, and that as Mira gets older, things will be easier, but right now it is difficult. I can't ever seem to catch up with all I have to do now.
At the same time, it's adorable to see Cordy get right up in Mira's face, give a big smile and say "Mira's SO cute!"
Thank you Jesus for Zofran. My daughter may still kill me, but I don't think either of us would've survived my pregnancy without it! And she was my 2nd baby - I wasn't so sick with the first one, so that was a dirty little trick that she played on me. I can relate, cause after that kind of sickness, i do NOT want to get knocked up again!!
I can see how this can be a difficult decision, believe me. However, it was an easy choice for me. I wanted another as soon as my daughter was born. I just knew I wanted to do it all again.
I felt the same way when my son was born 2 years later.
So far, no third and not looking likely.
So there's that aspect as well.
Good luck with whatever happens for you!
One is an accessory.
Two is a lifestyle.
I had to take Zofran, so many Zofran. You forgot to mention Zofran is $38 a pill.
That's why I have one kid. I don't look good with feeding tubes and PIC lines.
My DH and I had the same sort of discussion a few years ago. I am happy to say we went for it and had another child. Today, the boys, 3 years apart, are best pals. I am so glad we decided to get pregnant again.
I think you just have to let the decision come to you.
Good luck!!
ShannanB
YEAH YEAH for the decision to have more kids! Com'on, somebody should join me here. I was telling my family this past weekend that Parker is so darn cute that I wished he was a twin.
But I'm feeling a 4th breast infection coming on...I might have to change my mind on that one.
Good luck Mrs. Chicky!!
It was one of the hardest decisions we had to make, and in the end we didn't really make it...just stopped BC and decided to see what happens. I'm happy and scared at the same time. The biggest deterrent for me was that I just didn't like the period from 0-12 mths all that much. But the thought of having another toddler makes me very excited. And I feel more comfortable saying "my kids" than "my kid". I'm trying to see the big picture to get me through those early (sleepless) months though.
Good luck with your decision. I think you already know what you want.
This is one of those situations where advice doesn't really help, so...good luck.
I know what you mean.
I wasn't really sure that I wanted a 2nd baby, but felt like a sheep following along with what everyone else was doing.
It's been worth ever second of colic and hard pregnancy, though.
Now I'm struggling with my decision to NOT have a 3rd child.
Good luck with your decision.
Change is always scary. We faced that decision before our third was conceived, but it was out of our hands in the end. Guess you could call it an "Oops moment."
To say I can relate to this post is an understatement. My pregnancy with my son was fine (though he was a surprise) but the birth and the first year were horrendous.
And I said no more. Ever.
And then someone nicely (kindly) told me that if I was ready I would know. And, 3 years, to the day, from the day my son was born it hit me like a ton of bricks.
Wow, great post and great comments! I don't have much to add other than "Good luck!" Only you will know what the right decision is for your family.
My prenatal vitamins right now are m&ms.
I'm so ambivalent about having a second child that when I ran out of the last batch I never bothered to replace them. I will... eventually...next paycheck for sure.
Yeah.
WHAT evah.
I'm with you. It's such a tough decision. Like you, I wasn't one of those girls who just had to have a baby -- guess that's why it took me 36 years to have one! Now that my boy is one, I kind of miss the little-baby stage ... but I also enjoy not getting up every two hours.
Here's wishing! ... wishing for fate to provide the best outcome.
I have a brother who I adore, so I know I want more than one. But you know, I know plenty of awesome only kids too. Chicky could be just as nurturing to friends and cousins.
Projectile vomiting for three months? More nausea even after the meds? Oh goodness. I am sorry you had to go through that! I had vomiting and nausea for about 4 months with both pregnancies and it was hell but doesn't sound as hellish as what you went through.
I can understand why you are taking it slow with deciding. Whatever route you go, everything will be OK. Good luck making the decision.
Nothing makes me happier than hearing another mother to one talk about her torn decision of whether to add a 2nd to the family. i have one, and as of right now, do not plan to have another. that being said, i am not ready for an IUD or for the hubby to have a vasectomy. i hate feeling so indecisive!
thanks for also admitting that the first twelve months of the baby's life are not for you. i feel the same but can't admit it openly, for fear of what other moms will think.
My husband and I hemmed and hawed over baby number two until our first turned three. I'm also not a big fan of the newborn. Then we realized if it was going to happen, now or never - I didn't want a decade age gap between siblings. So we took the plunge. I ended up pregnant with twins. sigh. So from one portable child, we definitely upgraded to field trip chaperones.
But I really thought about the implications of Ivy being an only child: being sole caretaker of elderly parents, having someone else to complain alongside in therapy...
Best wishes!
It's a big decision. I wish you luck with the decision.
For me, one was amazing. Two made me feel like my family was complete (although sometimes I do think of a third). I cannot even remember what life was like before having two and it's only been 2 years. No doubt it was a big transition going from 1 to 2, but in some ways you know what to expect - it's not all new. Life is more hectic, but it's also more fun. At the heart of it all though - more love, all around.
I honestly didn't find two to be that much harder.
Mine are two years apart.
This new one will be 3.5 years younger than the last one..THAT will be different again.
In all our outings with two..the baby just tagged along to everything.
Never really thought about it.
We always managed to travel fairly lightly with our kids..unlike some of my friends.....
Throw caution (your legs) to the wind and see what happens.
I think the one's who have a hard time with more than one...or one for that matter are the one's who try to maintain a level or quality of life, cleanliness, organization, etc that was pre child...if you can be more flexible...then more kids are not a problem.
I'm all excited just thinking about another Chicky, another sweet little cherub...
Every pregnancy is different, you know. Just saying...
Whatever you decide, you are blessed.
One is amazing, two is unbelievably amazing, and three is..... well since I saw the 2 pink lines this morning I guess I will find out!
I thought I wouldn't be able to handle 2 either, that I would never go out, blah blah.... and it was an adjustment, but now we go everywhere. I even take both of them GROCERY SHOPPING....and ENJOY IT. Soon you find a routine and it's hard to remember what it was like before there were 2. If it happens... you'll be fine.
Good luck...
You people who have your babies one at a time crack me up.
At least you get to choose!
Of course you worry and consider your relationship, you'd be crazy not to. I love that you are toying with the idea. I won't apply more pressure, but have to echo In the Trenches "Go for it" with a devilish smile!
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