Saturday, September 22, 2007

On paper wings

I was sitting outside today reading a book, when a dragonfly landed on my bare knee. Normally I would have been freaked out by such a large insect sitting on my bare flesh, but instead I let him lounge there for a moment while I apologized for all of his relatives who were consumed whole and alive for my childish pleasure. Then I slapped my thigh and watched him fly off, good wishes trailing after him.

I haven't been sitting in the sun lately, preferring instead the safety of four walls, but today I had hoped the fresh air and sunshine would make me happy. I haven't been very happy lately. An existential crisis is what my friend Ruth called it, though she was referring to her own. It seems to be going around. Maybe we passed it around in Chicago, like a cold virus.

Aimless is how I would describe myself these days. Aimless and pathless, though not goalless. Goals I have in spades but I have no way of making them a reality. Point A is my sticking point and getting to Point B, C, D and beyond is a circumnavigational route of my own making full of twists and turns. The hilly terrain doesn't bother me but the roadblocks, detours and and potholes do. Don't want to go to grandma's house because I know the big bad wolf is waiting for me, or something like that.

This flitting through life is effecting everything, from my relationship with my husband to my writing (which was never very good to begin with, let's face it) and even my day to day interaction with friends and family. The disjointed feeling hits me even before I wake up in the morning. It seeps into my flesh, like pizza grease into open pores. I'm not a person you would want to be around these days. There's not much joy behind these muddy eyes.

I want the uncertainty to go away. I want to tie it to a big red balloon and let it float up into the clear blue sky. I had hoped the dragonfly would take some of it with her, but dragonfly's have their own agenda and I don't think it stuck to her paper wings.

I read (on Wikipedia of all places) in Japan dragonflies are symbols of courage, strength and happiness. I want to believe it was not coincidence who brought that dragonfly to me. I like to believe in miracles and things happening for a reason. But what I do not know is if my winged friend left for me any of those aforementioned virtues before I thoughtlessly shooed her away.

36 comments:

jen said...

i can so relate to what you are saying today, sans spirit totem.

i wish we could commisserate together. am thinking of you.

slouching mom said...

This post resonates with me. I know aimlessness too well.

I hope it's short-lived.

carrie said...

It'll come, when you least expect it. It will!

But for now, I wouldn't be afraid to rest my hopes and dreams on the wings of a dragonfly . . .

And your writing is so good, never lacking.

Wendy said...

I have the same thing going on and I wasn't in Chicago. Maybe I got through the computer screen. Nah, just life kicking my ass.

I think it would help if I could write about it, but with legal issues there is always a fear it will be used against you.

Just know that this feeling is not yours alone and we all have the world on our shoulders at some point in life.

flutter said...

it will come, it always does.

Miguelina. said...

I think you know I understand.

But you probably didn't know my mornings are similar.

Blog Antagonist said...

If you remember, I posted a similar post a while ago. I can definitely relate to your feelings. I think a lot of us can. I wish I had some sage advice for you, but sadly, I don't. Just know that someone, a lot of someones, I think, understand.

motherbumper said...

We will get through this and that's a promise my friend.

Mrs. Chicken said...

I know this well. Hope it passes for you like a summer storm - quickly.

Fairly Odd Mother said...

I hit periods like this in my life as well (although I haven't really considered an alpaca farm. . . ). I'm hoping that all your 'aimless' thoughts are really just a way to work through things until the true path becomes clear.

And, I love your writing, so don't sell yourself short. I'm not here for the ads.

Heather said...

I feel ya. I do. I've been feeling that way lately as well. It seems to hit at the same times for me each year...early September, January, March. You'd think I'd be used to it by now.

Hope your dragonfly delivered.

Manic Mommy said...

Things got real clear, real quick in this neck of the woods. I feel for you. Even at our worst, there are those of us who think the best of you.

Don't be so hard on yourself (she tells herself and Mrs. Chicky). We're trying our best and The Universe knows it.

"...every little thing...is gonna be alright..."

PunditMom said...

There will be a direction. And you'll know it when the time is right. Really.

Binky said...

I hear ya. I'm so aimless, I can't even find my way to the computer to blog more than once a week. And that once a week is only because you make me! ;)

Jenifer said...

Very beautifully written Mrs. Chicky.

May you find the sortest route to your destination and hit no construction on your way!

Assertagirl said...

Oh, Chicago. So that's where I caught this effin' thing.

~JJ! said...

I wasn't in Chicago! What's my excuse?

I hope that little dragonfly gave you some strength.

Velma said...

I'm like this all the time. I usually tweak my meds if it goes on too long, but that disjointed feeling you nail in your description exactly is my usual state. Small steps, right?

Major Bedhead said...

Maybe it's a New England thing. I feel like I've been mired in quicksand for a while now. It's really unpleasant and I wish it would go away.


Here's to it taking a hike, and soon, for all of us.

Mrs. Schmitty said...

I've been feeling this way too lately. I just don't know how to move forward. Stuck in a rut. I hope the dragonfly was a symbol of better things to come for you!

Lawyer Mama said...

I've caught it too. I wish I could blame it on Chicago though. It's been with me for quite awhile. My little happy pills help, but they can't change the essential me.

My husband once said something to me before we were married. He said my curse in life will be to always want more, to always feel restless, to always feel unfinished. He knows me well, but it seems to be a common affliction among intelligent women.

I hope the dragonfly was a symbol of something to come.

Kyla said...

I hope the dragonfly did leave you a gift and you'll find it at exactly the right moment.

b*babbler said...

As much as September brings new beginnings and a sense of purpose to so many, there are so many others right now stuck in this state of inertia or aimlessness.

I hope you can find your way back soon!

kittenpie said...

I would say you are worried, grieving, a tiny bit depressed even, but that you will one day find yourself feeling happy again, noticing it with a startle. Hey! am I allowed to smile yet? Maybe yes. Hugs until then, love.

Binkytown said...

I keep walking around thinking what is wrong with me? Sounds like I am not the only one. "Hang in there" sounds trite, but sometimes, it's the best you can do. I hope this passess. Quickly.

cape buffalo said...

that just gave me a shover. You HAVE read this story, haven't you?

http://belovedhearts.com/stories/Doris-WaterbugsandDragonflies-632617144169637500.aspx

Oh, The Joys said...

Oh, my lovely friend.

I hope this passes soon.

The only thing that hastens it's departure for me is to work out until I drop. The endorphins set things right for me.

But then there's that whole getting myself to the gym part... that part is hard.

cape buffalo said...

And I meant to say shiver, yo. A shover is when you smack that bitch up.

word.

petite gourmand said...

that virus must have been going around up here in the great not so white north.

Much has improved since last week though-maybe a dragon fly crossed my path without me noticing.

hope things get brighter.

pinks & Blues Girls said...

I hope this feeling passes soon for you. I know it too well. May that dragonfly truly live up to its Japanese symbolism for you.

Jane, Pinks & Blues

creative-type dad said...

Why are they called dragonfly's anyway?
They don't look like dragons.

Damselfly said...

Ah, well, don't worry about that last bit you wrote. Because as a damselfly, I'm a close kin, and I can vouch for all those good qualities to be given to you. :)

Damselfly said...

PS When my mother sees a dragonfly, she thinks it is a sign that something is going on with me, and checks in with me.

Pinks & Blues said...

Hey there!!

I was reading this post and going to comment on the symbolism of the dragonfly... and then I read your last paragraph. In times of uncertainty I always look for signs... I hope courage, strength and happiness comes your way soon!!

- Audrey
Pinks & Blues

Susan said...

Gardeners say that when you find a dragonfly in the garden it tells of magical transformations to come. Sooo, the start of something new?

Hope it's a brighter day. And take it from an escaped composition teacher, there's nothing wrong with your writing!

mothergoosemouse said...

I'm scared of almost all big bugs, flying or not, but I love dragonflies. Maybe because I know they eat other bugs, the bad ones. Their mission is not to intimidate me, but to protect me (or so I like to think).

Here's hoping your friend afforded you some protection while you work out your spiraling thoughts.