Sunday, September 16, 2007

He'll come around once he realizes the brilliance of my plan

"Honey, let's move to Western Mass. and start an alpaca farm."

[silence]

"C'mon, it'll be great! We can raise alpacas and sell their fur! And I can finally start breeding dogs! You know I've been wanting to do that for a long time."

[uncomfortable silence]

"Maybe we can add a small boarding kennel to bring in some extra cash! And I could still teach dog training. I could do house calls or I could build a training facility right on the farm!"

[crickets]

"This could really work! If you get that new job you'll be traveling a lot anyway, so it's not like you have to be in an office. I bet they'd let you work from home."

[pin dropping]

"Wouldn't it be great to live in a place where we wouldn't have to worry about our neighbors being able to look right into our bathroom from theirs? I'd like to be able to sit on the pot without having to make sure the neighbor's kid isn't watching me wipe my ass."

[chirp chirp chirp]

"Clean living! Fresh air! Wide open spaces! Okay, sure, I don't know anything about raising alpacas, but I could learn! How hard can it be?"

[Grunting]

"I knew you'd like the idea! Chicky would really benefit from farm living. It will teach her the value of hard work. And how many kids do you know who can say they've helped birth a baby alpaca or a litter of puppies before they entered kindergarten?"

[Gets up and leaves the room]

Yelling: "This isn't going away! This isn't just a phase! When I'm a famous and incredibly wealthy alpaca farm owner, slash, dog breeder, slash, dog trainer, you'll be sorry you didn't jump on board when you had the chance!!"

[Sound of football game from bedroom]

To the dog: "He likes the idea. He just needs to get used to it. You'd like to live on an alpaca farm, wouldn't you?"

[Licks the places where his balls used to be, gets up and leaves the room.]

38 comments:

flutter said...

[/end scene]

you are hilarious. If get an alpaca farm, I will buy the fur and make yarn.

The possibilities are endless

PunditMom said...

Lots of $$ in alpacas. Just think how many Super Tuscans and Bordeaux you could buy! ;)

slouching mom said...

Love, love, love this. So much funny!

jen said...

HEELARIOUS.

margalit said...

Can I move with you and be your official yarn dyer and square knitter upper? That's just about the kid of job I can handle. I love alpaca. The animals...not so much. They are a cross between spitty camels and annoying llamas.

kittenpie said...

May I just enquire - where did this brilliant idea come from? It sounds a little... hair-brained.

dawn224 said...

Heh, I've always said I want to get away from it all and raise the alpaca too :)

mothergoosemouse said...

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Mom101 said...

Suddenly I feel a teeny bit better about Nate's insistence that we move to Europe and start a winery.

Alex Elliot said...

So the scary thing is that when I did my post-BA program there was someone in my classes who grew up on an alpaca farm and she had helped deliver a bunch of them. I totally thought she was making it up, but she brought in her photo album and showed me pictures of it.
Plus her family had a website. Her parents were investment bankers who one day just randomly decided to move to the country and raise alpacas. So you can tell Mr. Chicky that it worked for them! Chicky could be like my friend and have fun childhood jobs like walking the alpaca on a long rope down passed the neighbors' house. See, this is why I thought the story was questionable.

Magpie said...

My father had llamas for a time. Nasty animals - mean-spirited.

Blog Antagonist said...

HAHA! I'm laughing because once, husband and I had the exact same idea. It's really not a bad idea if you're into animals. I am, sorta, but I am not into poop. Or shovelling poop. Or, smelling poop.

metro mama said...

WTF is an alpaca?

motherbumper said...

Opposite happens around here - if he had his way we would be living off-grid and I'd be churning my own butter (and brewing my own hooch - which isn't as sexual as it sounds).

Good luck on that, btw alpaca's are spiteful beasts with really cute faces. Kinda like me.

Hannah said...

There's a commercial that runs on our all-news network up here in Canadaland about the endless possibilities and joy to be found in raising alpacas. The only time I get to watch the news is if I get up really early on Saturday morning, so my defenses are down. The shots of a herd of alpacas strolling through a field with the sun rising behind them always makes me wistful. Until I remember that I'm allergic to alpacas.

Manic Mommy said...

Is there really money in alpaca-raising? Everyone uses it as a punchline but aside from Alex Elliot said above, I've never heard of anyone actually doing it.

Not on a bet, baby. We think anything outside of Rte. 128 is the sticks - 495 is another planet.

I'll still read you if you go of course - if they have "The Internet."

Dory said...

If you get your alpaca farm, I get my quarter horse broodmare farm in Kentucky. It's only fair.

Mamma said...

I have a cousin who is a llama farmer. Maybe she could give you some tips.

Queeny said...

Behind every great woman there's a doubtful man.

b*babbler said...

This sounds eerily similar to the conversation I have with Mr Babbler when I mention raising sheep.

Avalon said...

I think your plan sounds perfectly sensible. And, of course, you can make sweet little blankies for all the baby puppies from the Alpaca fur. in your spare time, of course.

Julie Pippert said...

BWAHAHAHA you are too funnny. Wait, not funny...serious...?

Hey I'm behind you (metaphorically speaking) (those things spit, don't they?) so YOU GO GIRL!

I can get you the number of my breeder near you...I'm sure she'd be full of tips and ideas. :)

Julie
Using My Words

Kristin said...

Now my fantasy reads like this - sell the house! buy a really big boat! float around to lots of places and home school the children! we'll all be so friggin' cultural!

*cue blank stare...

Domestic Chicky said...

I'm SO glad I am not the only one who gets that response when I talk about MY scathingly BRILLIANT ideas...

Alpacas it is! There are lots of farms near here as well...

Crunchy Carpets said...

I think if I alienate and horrify enough of our neighbours, that my dh will finally buy into MY idea of moving far far away.

Heather B. said...

Oooh move to Western Mass. It's pretty and we'd practically be neighbors.

Mrs. Schmitty said...

Okay, the part about the dog's balls made me spit out my diet pepsi. It almost got in my keyboard!

Rock the Cradle said...

Hell, come up to Houlton ME with us and you'll have plenty of space for alpacas. Plus, there's lots of potatoes. Do alpacas eat potatoes? Or broccoli? They've got lots of broccoli up there too...

Elizabeth said...

Let me know how that works out for ya... I got the move to Northern VT... and there is an alpaca farm around the corner BUT so far the only livestock that's been approved is chickens...I so want something with 4 legs other than the dog!

Lisa said...

I see your hubby and dog listen/react to ideas like mine do...

Lisa said...

P.S. Happy belated birthday lady! Sorry it wasn't one of those Friday the 13th ones!

Lawyer Mama said...

Dude, you need to get together with my husband. He has this scheme to breed some form of exotic goat. We frequently have the same conversation, only with reversed roles. Now, if our farm could be next to yours I might be able to get on board!

Oh, The Joys said...

The ball licking is really the final insult.

pinks & blues said...

Oh I love it. Sometimes silence is the sincerest form of resignation. He'll come around.

Jane, Pinks & Blues

Miguelina. said...

That's so weird, I always wanted to be a famous and incredibly wealthy alpaca farm owner/dog breeder/dog trainer when I grew up!

Heather said...

Dare to dream. Dare to dream. I fear I would be met with similar responses to my ideas as well.

Mommy Bits said...

My girlfriend just moved out to Washington State and really wants to have an alpaca farm. She says the money is great - I just thing they are adorable.

Jenifer said...

Why is it that husbands never seem to see the brilliance in our plans???

I don't get it.