Tuesday, September 18, 2007

If you can't find the answers you can always buy them from Wal-Mart

An alpaca farm? Really? What the hell was I thinking?

I know exactly what I was thinking...

"Oh my God, I'm thirty-five and I have no idea where my life is going or which direction I should turn or if I should have another baby or if I should be happy with the one I've got or am I going to get off my ass and start my own business and stop talking about it already and can I do that with a new baby and a pre-schooler but if I don't start my own business what the hell am I going to do with my life?????"

All silliness aside, I am at a major crossroad in my life. This is definitely one of those times when I wish someone could take me by the hand, treat me like a five year old, and tell me what to do. What's the right path? What is the right decision? Are you there, God? It's me, Mrs. C.

God wasn't listening, so I asked the Magic 8 ball if I should have another baby. It said, "No way!"

I asked it if I should start my own business. It said, "Ask again later."

I asked it if I should hide under the covers with a bag of M&Ms. It said, "Yes."*

You don't have to hit me over the head with a brick twice. If you're looking for me, you'll know where to find me.


*The questions and answers asked of the Magic 8 Ball are real. They were not made up for comedic effect. The Magic 8 Ball is all-knowing and all-powerful. We used to have religion, now we have plastics.

If you have problems of your own that require real answers, consult the Magic 8 Ball.

Warning: Side effects may include - dizziness, vomiting, diarrhea, changes in mood, Oprah and Dr. Phil marathons, self-flagellation, chocolate binges and alcoholism. If you experience any of these symptoms, get your head out of your ass and take control of your life. It's a toy. If you're allowing the Magic 8 Ball to control your life, perhaps you should also consult a psychiatrist.

51 comments:

heathersway said...

Oh, I don't know... I think an alpaca farm has possibilities...

I know exactly what you mean. Here I sit with two little kids and a dusty M.A. I would love to have something (besides Motherhood) to call my own. I disconnected the biological clock so now my career clock is ticking.

Avalon said...

Mrs C~~ I was with ya until you said "hide under the covers with a baby of M&M's"

Are you shacking up with one of those pastel M&M's? Are you trying to give birth to something that melts in your mouth but not in your hand?

I don't understand this at all.

Mrs. Chicky said...

Wow. I did write that, didn't I?

Wow.

Mommin' It Up! said...

ohhh that is funny! do you want to be like one of those animals that eats their young?

flutter said...

a baby of M&M's. Wow.

PunditMom said...

Watch out, those baby M&M's are addictive! ;)

Kyla said...

I asked the Magic 8 Ball "Do you suck at answering questions?" and it said "Absolutely." I took a screen shot for blogging it. Ha!

kittenpie said...

Man, and here I thought I could start a religion around the magic 8 ball... crap.

slouching mom said...

Ooh, how Freudian: "a baby of M&Ms."

Hmm, she says, stroking her 19th-century beard.

We listen to our Magic 8 Ball. We take it VERY seriously.

Trena said...

That's totally what I need is a Magic 8 Ball or you know, a flashing neon sign saying "TAKE THIS PATH".

Hanging out under the covers with the pounder bag of M&M's sounds like the best idea of all though.

Motherhood Uncensored said...

Have you missed me? FINALLY. I'm on a computer with enough RAM to handle all ye fancy blogger people.

Anyway, I say stick with the oujia board.

Magic 8 is terribly unreliable.

Phoenix said...

I'm with MU. I had to give up on the 8 ball after it told me I'd win the Power Ball. Stupid Ball, I hope it's happy at the bottom of the sea.

Julie Pippert said...

Is it 20th century or 21st century Magic 8 ball? I hear they changed the new ones, so I count them as fake.

Oh and welcome to the second half of your 30s. If you are like me, this will be the next five years of your life. I call it an Adult Developmental Leap.

On the upside, it's all down hill from here!

Julie
Using My Words

motherbumper said...

I bet being pregnant with M&Ms is waaaaaaaaaaay easier than having a human. Definitely less stitches.

I ask all my important life questions to stray eyelashes, the ones the fly away easily when blown on have always helped me make the right decisions. You think I'm kidding but sadly I'm not.

Tori said...

Love those moments of What the....

My friend - a very spritual type used to tell me in her floaty voice....

"Tor - tell the Universe what it is that you want...put it out there and... SHE will respond.."

Basically - shut your eyes and do what your gut tells you...

Frankly - my crystal cajones believe there is another baby on the horizon...

carrie said...

I think that magic 8 ball needs to take a trip out the window!

May you figure it out on your own, because there is no way you're hiding under a bag of M&M's.

jen said...

i've made some pretty gigantic decisions based on the magic eight ball.

seriously. just keep asking till you get the answer you want.

Lawyer Mama said...

Babe, I hear you. I'm having a mid-30's crisis too.

Although everyone needs to stop dissing the Magic 8 Ball. I keep one on my desk at work. My clients would be disturbed to know how often I consult it.

Alley Cat said...

You and me both on the career thing. I'm going to hide behind motherhood for another child though.

Jess Riley said...

Oh, those babies of M & M's are sooo cute! They have such round, shiny little heads.

Count me in on the mid-thirties crisis, too. We should form a support group.

Mamma said...

I'm ready for some Magic 8 Ball consultation too--especially if it recommends M&Ms in bed.

I'm looking out at the next 20 years and I'm not wanting them to look exactly like today. But I don't have a vision for them either.

Sucks! I'm feelin ya Mrs. C.

Oh and I think you have a great book title in that post. You should think about it.

Damselfly said...

Huh. I asked, "Should Mrs. Chicky chase her M&Ms with an adult beverage?" and the Magic 8 Ball responded, "Maybe."

mayberry said...

Dude. I was totally wondering if there was an online magic 8 ball. Because I really need one. And you have led me right to it!

I'll bring a new bag of M&Ms when I join you under the covers. Wait, that sounded bad.

Heather said...

I didn't realize there was such an easy way to answer all of life's difficult questions!

Alex Elliot said...

Mmmmm....M&Ms. Forget the Magic 8 ball. If you have more green M&Ms than red, it is a sign that you wear meant to have an alpaca farm.

SUEB0B said...

I think you have babies on the brain LOL

mo-wo said...

That would be IF you had a therapist. Lucky you got a blog.

BOSSY said...

Bossy's sage mother has a trick for decision making that seems about as useful as the Magic Ball on the face of it, but actually... Here's what... And by the way, Jaysus, fer chrissake...

... You ask yourself the yes/no question and flip a coin. Sounds dumb and random? Nope - because as soon as you see the coin's answer you instantly feel the rush of disappointment (or alternately relief) and you know what you should do. It's the actualization of the little voice that's in the back of your head already. Fer chrissake.

Mrs Big Dubya said...

I wish life had guidance counselors.....

But, in the absence of a guidance counselor -- I think the Magic 8 Ball is a swell alternative.

I keep one on my desk.... when the going gets tough, I reach for it.... or the slinky that's right next to it

Kris said...

Ah, I know that feeling. That's where I've been since my last baby was born ... um .... two years ago. Hopefully you'll get out of it sooner than I'm managing to!

Mrs. Chicken said...

Yup. Been there, done that, doing it right now, in fact.

I find that Belgian truffles work wonderfully.

pinks & Blues Girls said...

M&Ms can do wonders for your mood. They don't, however, agree with my thighs. That doesn't stop me from crawling under the covers with them, though.

Jane, Pinks & Blues

Christina said...

I can tell you that even with a second child, I still hide under the covers with M&Ms. So at least that wouldn't change, right?

Hannah said...

Everybody's already pointed out the whole "baby M&Ms" thing. So ya'll beat me to it. Just remember that if you do get pregnant, you can eat M&Ms all day long and no one will question you.

Kevin Charnas said...

That sounds like completely sound advice to me.

~JJ! said...

I hear you. Loud and freakin' clear.

Can I come over and hide under the covers too?

Manic Mommy said...

How can one be diagnosed with Generalize Anxiety Disorder then be expected to trust one's instincts? Not talking about anyone in particular, just sayin'.

Magic 8-Ball, Ouji board, eyelashes, birthday candles, one's as good as the next in my case. Hmmm, maybe a seance? The dead must know more than the living - DID YOU HEAR THAT, GRAM??

Redneck Mommy said...

I just asked the ball if I should go to the gym.

Yes.

I asked the ball if I should assemble my new computer desk, sitting in a box.

Yes.

I asked the ball if I should make more bacon.

No.

Fucking thing. Completely useless.

Start the alpaca farm. That's my vote.

Her Bad Mother said...

Can I borrow that 8=ball? Please?

FENICLE said...

We leave all major decisions up to the powerful Magic 8 Ball!!!

Seriously :)

Girl con Queso said...

The Magic 8 Ball is the new Ask Jeeves. Really.

Mommy Bits said...

I love the magic 8 ball. Our family regulary makes decisions using the RPS - Rock, Paper, Scissors, method. You'd be surprised how well it works.

Mommy Bits said...

PS. Killing me with the Are you there, God? referrence.

lol

Fairly Odd Mother said...

Mmmmm. . .a baby of M&M's. . .Now THAT would be worth getting pregnant again for!

I'm hoping that I can be like Grandma Moses and do something amazing once I'm really old, b/c I have no time for 'amazing' right now.

Mrs. Schmitty said...

ROFLMAO!

Buffy said...

Did you say alpaca farm?

Oh, The Joys said...

I unilaterally recommend volunteer work as the perfect remedy to any and all existential crisis.

ali said...

hey...there's no shame in turning to the magic 8 ball ;)

Trenting said...

I love this..
and I struggle with the same questions daily..
The business aspect mostly.. I know I'm supposed to be doing something [phenomenal] unfortunately I have [no idea in the world] what that is... "sigh" got any m & m's left?!

mamatulip said...

Yikes, a Dr. Phil marathon? Those are some serious side effects. ;)

Ruth Dynamite said...

Um, can I join you? I'll bring M&Ms. In the midst of an existential crisis myself.