Sunday, September 30, 2007

No easy answers

**edited below**

So. Yeah. Knocked up. Preggers. Bun in the oven. Baby on board. Preggo. With child. Damn, Billy Joe, the rabbit done died.

Yeah.

I don't know how I feel about this pregnancy yet. When I found out I was pregnant with Chicky I was so shocked, even though we were actively trying the idea I would actually see a plus sign on my EPT stick never occurred to me until that point. I carried the knowledge around like a really good secret. I was special. I was going to make a baby. Wow.

This time? I took the test while Chicky was eating lunch. I saw the results, called Mr. C at work and shared the news, and then went on with my day. No big deal. We've been through this before.

It's still ridiculously early so I've been able to fight off the nausea and I'm exhausted all day long (Oh My Gaw, I don't remember being this tired) but those are the only indications that I'll be having another springtime baby. There's no excitement. No anticipation. Only dread of the upcoming months of sickness, back pain and swelling.

I am, officially, a horrible human being.

I want to be excited. I want to feel like I'm jumping out of my skin. I want to connect with this baby.

I don't want to feel selfish and undeserving. But I do.

Whether it was the universe or the combination of my husband's super sperm and my slutty eggs (willing to open up wide to the first organism who swam by), something decided that my body would easily accept a fetus. I wish my mind was as open and willing.


** While I was wallowing in my own weepiness (I hate being ruled by my hormones) it seems like I went from being able to fight off the nausea to becoming intimately involved with my toilet overnight. I've been down this road before but I'm hoping there are some nausea fighting tips you know of that I haven't yet tried. And since you're all responsible for making me this weepy, what with your kind comments and all, I sort of figured you'd send some tips my way. I'm weak and woozy. More so than usual. Help me.

62 comments:

Blog Antagonist said...

You are not a horrible human being. Give yourself some time. The idea of second baby is HE-YUGE. It's completely different from the first one, cause all kinds of "How in the hell am I going to ________ with an infant and a toddler?"

You'll get there. Hang in.

Lori at Spinning Yellow said...

Ditto what Blog antagonist said. I think most people feel this way with the second baby. I sure did. And it carried on for some time making me feel extra guilty.

Assertagirl said...

I think you're brave to be so candid about these feelings in such a public way. I bet they aren't unusual feelings at all.

Mrs. Chicken said...

Normal, girlie, is what you are. Take it easy on you, OK? You've been awfully hard on yourself lately.

Whirlwind said...

I agree, having more kids isn't as easy to get excited about. By this time, you've been through it all, so things just aren't as new. It doesn't mean that anything less wonderful is going on inside, it just means you know what to expect. Before you know it, you'll be excited. I was still in complete denial the night before Moe was born (even after being in labor for a day already). I just could not believe that I was having a third. I didn't think I was ready or able to handle it.

By the time spring time comes, you'll be excited. The excitement will grow once Chicky Chicky understands whats going on inside you. When she sees your stomach start to grow and feels the baby moving, you'll start to get excited!

Motherhood Uncensored said...

Considering how candidly you shared your feelings on the podcast about being happy with one, I bet the idea of two will need time to soak in. And like make of the PP have said, #2 can be different (not for everyone -- but for many) in terms of excitement or lack thereof.

Congrats, lady.

b*babbler said...

You're not a horrible person at all. You're a confused person perhaps, but not a horrible person. And seriously? Having a baby is just about the most confusing thing you can possibly do.

I hope that, even if you don't find excitement in the future, that you'll be able to find some peace and happiness.

mothergoosemouse said...

I know that you know that I know nearly exactly where you're coming from.

Give yourself some time. It's not only okay, it's a good idea.

bubandpie said...

Yeah, that glow of excitement really never showed up for me during pregnancy #2. My symptoms were about the same as they had been the first time (not terrible), but the novelty was GONE. But it had no bearing on my bonding with the baby - when the Pie was born, it was instant love and euphoria, which was all the more precious to me because I really didn't experience that the first time (with Bub the bonding process was much more gradual and fraught with difficulty).

Heather said...

You know, a lot of what you're feeling could be hormones too. I've been feeling really roller-coastery (yes I made a new word) lately as well.

And once baby #2 is here you'll wonder how you ever lived without him/her. Fortunately, as well, you have several months to get used to the idea of having 2 kids also!

Miguelina. said...

Psst-I didn't feel like a mother of two until two months after #2 was born.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You're a pro.

flutter said...

Oh babe.

Sometimes our brains are totally stupid, and they just have to catch up to our super smart slutty ass eggs.

Be nice to you, would ya?

Major Bedhead said...

I was very ambivalent when I was pregnant with The Bug. It's pretty normal. I kept forgetting that I was pregnant, even when I was out to there. It was surreal and I really worried that I wouldn't bond with her the way I had with Boo. Truth be told, it did take a while. It's overwhelming. Don't berate yourself for it.

Jonathon Morgan said...

If I found out I was having another one tomorrow, I think that's exactly how I'd feel (minus the fear of sickness). I think it's amazing that you can be so honest about it.

mayberry said...

It's a whole new kind of scary. But you'll see. It's a whole new kind of fun too, eventually. Hang in there.

PunditMom said...

NOT horrible. Just human. Hang in there. I have a feeling it will be great. Just don't tell PunditGirl -- she's been pushing for a sibling for quite some time now!

SUEB0B said...

You are a terrible human being, of course. (Oh, you had to have ONE troll, didn't you? And I'm not even a real troll, because I love you bunches. You'll do fine).

slouching mom said...

I didn't feel attached in any real way to my second until he emerged from within.

Kyla said...

The first pregnancy is pure emotion. The second is mental. Not like "mental". Ha! But that, too.

I mean to say, you think your way through it, instead of feeling your way like with the first. On top of that, there is so much concern for how it will affect the firstborn. But in the end? The love it all there. A multitude of it.

Smiling Mom said...

Welcome to pregnancy number two! I felt the same way!

margalit said...

Perfectly normal feelings. The twins were my 5th pregnancy. I didn't even ADMIT to being pregnant until 19 weeks. Totally normal. Strange, but normal!

ewe are here said...

My first pregnancy was easy peasy, coasted through it. Second one? Sucked.

So your feelings are perfectly normal, because it is going to be a long 9 months in some ways, primarily because you still have a toddler to chase around.

Fairly Odd Mother said...

Getting pregnant with #2 stirred up so many emotions for me: it meant the beginning of the end of my career (daycare was just too expensive and travel too hard), changing my beloved firstborn's life (how could I do this to her?!), and basically making things so much more complicated. I think I approached it without those rose-colored glasses I had on for my first pregnancy.

pinks & Blues Girls said...

i think you just put into words how I would feel if I were to find out I was pregnant. Funny, because yesterday I was sooooo exhausted for no real reason, and my mom asked, "Could you be pregnant?" I doubt it, but in any case I'm off to CVS to buy an EPT (in my SUV... sorry, had to keep going with the three-letter abbreviations).

Jane, Pinks & Blues

~JJ! said...

Give yourself time. You'll get there.

Take care of YOU and the rest will fall into place.

hugs.

...And Congratulations!!!!

For the Love... said...

The best thing about pregnancy #2 was that I had "been there done that"; meaning that I was fully aware of all of the changes my body was going through. I was able to recognize a contraction and felt the first flutter of him swimming around much earlier.

I applaud your honesty.

The Hotfessional said...

Yea, what they all said. I have no experience with a #2 kid, but it sounds like good advice you're getting here.

Slutty Eggs - hee!

Jenny said...

Okay, first off? CONGRATULATIONS! Hooray for slutty eggs!

Secondly, dude. I totally know what you're talking about. I'd be exactly the same way. It's too early to get really excited because now all you can feel is tired. I bet it won't be until you feel that first kick that things will start to get exciting for you.

I'm so freaking happy for you.

PS. Sorry about the rabbit.

kgirl said...

You'll get there. It's hard to be as excited the second time around. Like you said, your day has to go on. And not feeling good on top of it can put a damper on things.

But you'll get there. I know you will. Allow yourself to.

Lawyer Mama said...

You know, with the second I didn't prepare a THING until the week before my scheduled c-section. Even though I'd had 50,000 ultrasounds & the size of me made it pretty obvious what was happening, it was hard to get excited about an unknown person when I already had a KNOWN fascinating little person demanding my attention.

You'll get there. I promise. Even if it doesn't happen until he/she is heading out into the world!

Anonymous said...

to quote everybody else here...

I felt the same way when I found out I was preggo with baby #2. Found out...called dh...did laundry. No big deal. No emotion.

You'll become attached. I did when I finally felt movement and realized it's really happening and she's coming whether I wanted her to or not. Hang in there and get lots of rest. You'll need it!!

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

You are just hormonal, exhausted and honest.

If more people admitted that the idea of another child just made them feel tired we would all feel less guilty.

Velma said...

As everyone else has pointed out, it is perfectly normal to feel the way you are feeling. No one ever recaptures that first pregnancy "Oh My God I'm A Miracle of Nature" feeling, because no one ever has the time to feel that way once they are actively mothering a child. It's ok - you don't need to worry about bonding, because it will happen. There is a huge difference between the generic idea of "baby" you have when you are pregnant the first time and the reality of mothering another "small person" the second time around. Trust us - it's going to be great!

Hannah said...

I'm feeling this way too but I haven't been brave enough to express it. I spend a lot more time fretting about how tired I am and how it's going to affect my son than I do worrying about the actual baby. The night I took the pregnancy test I said "huh. can we eat out tonight? i'm a little tired" and that was it.

Thanks for expressing this - not least because everyone's who's commented says the same thing! I feel a lot less like a freak now.

jen said...

oh honey...you are allowed to feel however you want to about this - the second time around we know FULLY what we are in for, and if that doesn't make you stand up and cheer, then hey, wow...HOW VERY HONEST OF YOU.

but i for one am SO HAPPY at the latest addition to RSN. sweet congratulations.

Wendy said...

Oh honey, you are not horrible. I don't feel connected to my kids until they are at least 6 months old. There is so much going on while pregnant and in those first few months, who has time to feel connected.

Erin said...

I'm with everyone else: you are SO not horrible. I had the same feeling when I got pregnant with my second. Especially, because (it seems) like you, I got pregnant pretty much on the first try (and my husband was SO looking forward to trying and trying and trying). I remember feeling as though it all happened too quickly and I wasn't truly excited until after the morning sickness was well gone.

If/when you start to feel sick, my best recommendation from the been there, done that file is Carnation Instant Breakfast. Not just for breakfast any more. Get the ready-to-drink ones (chocolate tastes pretty good) and chug one when you can't stomach whatever is for lunch or dinner or breakfast. I was able to get one of those down even when nothing else would go/stay down and then didn't feel as bad about not eating, because they have vitamins and protein and all that.

Best of luck to you!

Ruth Dynamite said...

Wait! What'd I miss? SHEESH! You stick your head in the sand for a few days and POOF! Earth-shattering news like this? Please forgive me.

Oh Mrs. Chicky...I'm just tickled. I'm so thrilled. You will be feeling the love soon; it's just a little hormonally overwhelming right now. Put your feet up, will ya? For goodness sake, will someone get this woman some milk?

mamatulip said...

Oh god, the morning sickness nearly killed me with both Julia and Oliver. Peppermint really helps -- get some peppermint oil and sprinkle a few drops on your pillowcase. Ginger root also helps, as does red raspberry tea.

Mrs Big Dubya said...

People who say that they are "sure" and "ready" 100% of the time are lying.

Congratulations -- I am so very excited for you.

And, once you are feeling better.... you can review some non-alcholic wines for the whinery :)

Redneck Mommy said...

Oh how I miss the sounds of you woofing your cookies....

I've no advice. I upchucked my way through three pregnancies and never found a cure.

Just hang on tight and try not to get any puke in that pretty hair of yours...

Smooches.

Oh, The Joys said...

You will love this baby plenty. You don't have to be excited RIGHT NOW. Permission to grumpus granted.

Lara said...

save up the nausea and throw up on people you don't like. you'll still be throwing up, but i guarantee you'll have more fun with it. ;)

cooler*doula said...

For nausea? Four words:

Ac-U-Punc-Tcha!

Works great. Really. Please consider this. I go twice a week.

As for second pregnancies, yes, they do feel different, don't they? There is a lot less wonder - which of course - does make one feel guilty.

After miscarrying the first second, the second second is now yet a whole other thing.

But for you, I wish a first second only, and a visit to a person with long needles.

Domestic Chicky said...

Ditto everyone...I ran the gamut with the second one...WTF am I doing to #1? WTF am I thinking?? WTF is wrong with me that I can't be happy??? You're doing ok...

Oh, and: preggo pops, preggo pops, preggo pops...

Jen M. said...

Just adding to the pile here...but first: Congratulations!!! Second: Ditto what everyone else is saying. You feel sick as a dog, girl. How are you supposed to feel excited, too, when you can barely keep your eyes open and you want to throw up al the time? It will come.

Third: Chew on grated ginger. It is very spicy but it has worked for me FOUR times.

Susan Getgood said...

Congratulations!! It will all be good. You had room in your heart for 2 dogs, it will be the same with 2 kids :-)

They won't be the same, but you'll love them both.

Now to the nausea. Airsick bands, the ones you wear on your wrist. I wore them just about 24x7 in the first trimester with my son, and they really helped.

carrie said...

When I was pregnant for the 2nd time, I was celebrating my first-born's 1st birthday, buying our first house, dealing with a broken car and a speeding ticket because I was trying to get that failing car home as fast as I could. So, yeah, I was a bit distracted too and if it weren't for the tiredness and the nausea, I would have forgotten. In fact, I think I did until I was about 38 weeks and caught a glimpse of myself and the basketball under my shirt in the grocery store window and I thought "what the heck is that?".

So you see, you are perfectly normal.

As for the nausea, saltines and ginger ale - I know, pretty standard. I also had to avoid anything cinnamon scented, who knows why but it drove me crazy!

Still, elated for you and your family

Mommy off the Record said...

Your feelings are completely normal! I had lots of nausea during my pregnancy and it is a horrible nightmare to go through - especially when you have hypermensis (sp?) which is what it sounds like you had.

I tried all the stuff you always hear about (ginger, seasickness bands, etc.) and none of that worked. Next time I am going to try something more agressive. I have heard that acupuncture can help. Also, there is a self-hypnosis CD from hypnobabies for nausea. If all else fails, hopefully there are some safe drugs you can take.

Well, congrats on your pregnancy. It WILL end one day and you'll have a beautiful new baby at the end. I'll be thinking of you!

FENICLE said...

It sounds mostly like hormones! Hang in there. Emotions come in waves....your's just started out low and I bet will end on a high :)

BOSSY said...

Preggers? Aw fer chrissake, there goes Bossy's drinking buddy!

(No, congratulations!)
(You'll connect with this baby too - Bossy promises)
(Wait, both Chicky and Her Bad Mother? That's the Last Time Bossy drinks the water at a blogging convention)
(Bossy used to get really sick too. nothing worked for her except the promise of heaps of mashed potatoes as soon as she was finished driving the porcelain bus each morning.)
(Love to you.)

wayabetty said...

Congrats to you and Mr. C!!! That is awesome news!! Take it from a mom of 4, it will get better. Hang in there!!

Sandra said...

You are SO the opposite of horrible.

No ideas on the nasea thing ... nothing worked for me. How's that for sunshine and roses :)

Big big big hugs to you my friend!

kgirl said...

Lemons. Sliced and ready to sniff.
Bossing your husband around and making him do everything helps too.

cheesefairy said...

I just got here from a link from somewhere, damned if I can remember where 'cause I got all distracted by your words and your comments, but congratulations! and also I am expecting SURPRISE! #2 in the spring and everything you and your commenters say is so familiar.

I felt so ambivalent, even slightly crushed, the first 3 weeks after I found out I was pregnant, I just decided I would keep my head down and my pants up till the 2nd trimester because I know I will have more energy and spirit then. I'm at 11 weeks now (my best guess, anyway; I also have some seriously slutty eggs) and the fog is already starting to lift.

Good luck to you and try to be gentle with yourself...oh and citrus has consistently worked for me for nausea. Watching my 15 month old eat his breakfast? Not so much.

MamaLee said...

Oh so normal. Just takes thing a day at a time. You'll actually surprise yourself.

And citrus is good for the yuk.

Mama Wannabe said...

My friend says Koolaid saved her life when she was pregnant. I wouldn't know, because I am trying to get pregnant myself. But I feel you on your current feelings. Most of the time I am dying to get pregnant, and the other times I am going, what the hell am I doing, I am far too irresponsible to be a Mom!

Jenifer said...

Know you are not alone... I have been weepy a lot lately too. And TIRED. OH MY GOD TIRED. You should see my house...it looks like a tornado came through, and you know what, I don't give a goddamn.

I have had mild nausea but not much else, through my other two pregnancies I didn't have much morning sickness either... my only suggestions would be anything peppermint. When I get queasy I drink a cup of mint tea, eat a peppermint Tums, or even chew some gum. I don't know why but that seems to be the magic cure for me. Small frequent meals too. I find i am more prone to be queasy if my stomach is empty.

I hope that might help some.

And give it time.... it's OK to not feel bonded right away. Give it time to sink in and yourself time to get used to the idea of a second child.... things will work out. Whn I had my second I thought "OH MY GOD WHAT DID I DO!" but now here I am having a third (on purpose) and thinking the same things all over again. But I can't imagine my life without my son... and once you get accustomed and settle into the new routine, you will feel the same way! Like he or she was always there....

Avalon said...

Mrs C~~~ My baby will soon be 24 and I'm STILL not ready to be a Mother. How's about that for catching on quickly?

Her Bad Mother said...

DOOOOOOOOD. You and me, together, taosting buns in ovens and fretting about our inherently poor mothering abilities. And also, apparently, vomiting.

Pinky-curling you right now.

kittenpie said...

In case no one else said it, the things you mention in your next post, all good, plus also peppermint. Goooooood, good peppermint.

Meanwhile, would it help you to know something horrible about me and pregnancy, too? At the tail end of the first trimester, I had a total panic attack. What crossed my mind was this is my last week to turn back. After this, I'm in it forever. OMG! OMG! OMG! Not that it was a surprise. We'd planned it, tried for it, were happy about it. But this irrational fear gripped me, and hard. Well, now that I've been around with her for a few years, maybe it wasn't so irrational to be scared, but still...

Mrs. Mustard said...

Wow, HBM, you and I are all preggo with #2. And all equally under-enthused. And sick. Good times had by all :P