Thursday, November 02, 2006

I'm a cuh-cuh-cuh-cuh-crackhead

Remember the other day when I mentioned that my laptop was dying a slow, painful death?

Guess what happened yesterday?

Code blue! Code blue! Get the crash cart!

It's like the damn thing thought,

"You dare insult my PC-ness? Who the hell do you think you are, talking about replacing me with another laptop or a Mac? A Mac?! Do you know who I am? I'm an intelligent being, dammit and you hurt my feelings. Don't you know what I could do to you? I am your lifeline to the outside world and you go and talk smack about me. That's it, we're through. I'm outie."

Fuuuuuhhhck.

A couple of weeks ago Chicky Baby pulled my laptop off of the couch where it usually sits, keeping my seat warm for me, and like a piece of buttered toast falling buttered side down the thing inevitably fell straight down on the power cord. I was able to rig it just so to keep giving juice (or, life blood, as I like to think of it) to my computer until Halloween night. I awoke the next morning to find a cold, dead computer. Flatlined. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

Time of death - who the hell cares?! My computer won't come back on!

I started getting the shakes immediately.

I knew I was attached to my computer but I had no idea the depth of my dependence on that stupid black box until I didn't have it to kick around any more. Ain't that always the way?

It was so bad that I had to beg my husband for five minutes with his laptop, just five minutes, puhleeeeaze, just five minutes. I need to publish my Blog Exchange post. I need to check my email. I need to write about the loves of my blog life. I need to write other blog posts because I have great fodder. I need to surf for celebrity gossip. I need, I need, I need....

What I need is help. An intervention perhaps?

Hi, I'm Mrs. Chicky and I'm a computer-holic.

I am proud to say that I stopped short of offering sexual favors in return for precious minutes with a computer. And today the new power cable arrived in the mail (um, just a second... Fuck you and your proprietary self, Dell. I had to next day ship the sucker because you don't sell your parts at places like Circuit City. Fuck you very much.) so I won't be greeting Mr. C at the door wearing nothing but cellophane and a smile, ready to do what needs to be done to tire him out so he won't notice me sneaking away for a tawdry affair with a piece of electronic equipment.

Sorry, hon, maybe for you birthday.

Oh, how did it get to this point? I'm like Halle Berry's character in Jungle Fever. I need my fix and I didn't have it for a whole day. One. Whole. Day. Yet I didn't die. I got the shakes but I didn't get the DT's. I didn't need methadone. I didn't knock over a CVS for oxycontin. I did eat a lot of chocolate bars, but who isn't this week?

Maybe there's hope for me after all.

Anyone want to start a support group with me? I'll bring the coffee and the folding chairs.

28 comments:

the silent k said...

Can we bring our laptops?

Pendullum said...

Oh... Honeyyyyy...I feeeeeeel your pain..........
But for you to feel that fact that I feeeeeeeeeeeel your pain you need your laptop........
Sending warm laptop dreams your way Mrs. Chicky!

nomotherearth said...

I'm with you on the computer dependence. I've seriously had conversations that went: "I'll send you an email/You don't have an email address?! You mean I'll have to call you on the phone?? Welcome to the year 2006!!

Ok, the conversation was in my head, but it still happened!

Heather said...

I think my husband would commit me to just such a support group - mine keeps the couch warm for me too, and I keep petting it reassuringly now that I have no plans to trade it in. No macs on the horizon for me, no siree. Just keep chuggin' along, little lappie.

Mr. Chicky said...

Hold on ... backup the bus. Did you say that sexual favors in exchange for laptop time was a possibility? (laptop time ... hehe!)

something blue said...

Could you and your husband BE any funnier? hee hee hee...

Ok wait it is not funny. This addiction is serious bizness. As long as the sexual favors don't extend to the Dell customer service rep or the courier delivering your new power cable, you should be fine.

lara said...

man, i am soooo with you on this one. i find myself sitting in class or something, just thinking about all the stuff happening on the internet AND I'M MISSING IT! i'm like linus with his blanket - take it away and i'm a sobbing puddle of mess. :-P

Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

Yes. I am in that same group. I sit with my laptop next to me...for waht? Dunno.

Blog Antagonist said...

Two years ago Husband bought me a brand new Dell laptop for Christmas. Three months later, one of the cats knocked over a glass of water and fried it. I was nearly catatonic with grief. I feel your pain.

Self Proclaimed Supermom said...

Oh you poor thing. I think I would have had a panic attack :)

meno said...

The first step towards healing is to admit you have a problem. I'll bring the cookies.

Ruth Dynamite said...

My condolences. You needs to find yourself a fix!

Beck said...

Where's that Intervention show when it's needed? Probably coming to my house first, that's where.

CPA Mom said...

I'll bring the cookies. I need help, badly. Your story gave me the chills.

Mombat said...

Will the folding chairs have those little desk-like arms where we can rest our laptops? I mean, like, we wouldn't have to turn them ON. We could just, like, put our cookies on them or something. Just for the first few minutes . . .

Christina said...

Oh, but thank goodness it was just the power cord, and the entire thing didn't just give up the ghost!

metro mama said...

I would have given a blow job for a half hour of laptop time.

julia said...

I have to steal my husband's laptop after he's gone to bed. Otherwise, I'm stuck sitting at a *gasp* desk to use the computer. Thankfully, he goes to bed early.

Next computer I get will be a laptop. Sweahtagad.

Mamacita Tina said...

So, so, sorry. You are under too much stress. I can't imagine my computers (I have 3 to choose from)dying on me. You must get a back up for situations like that. Of course giving sexual favors in return for computer time does not sound so bad. Heck, you could even have the computer help out...

wendy boucher said...

I spent an entire week without my computer in early October. It was refreshing and liberating (or maybe that was the North Carolina moutain air?). Whatever. The very second I got home, I renewed my habit with fervor. Now that I'm back from my blogging hiatus, I've literally got the letters of my keypad permanently indented into my fingertips. Yikes! Let me know where the meeting is.

Jenny said...

I'm in. My name is Jenny and I'm a blog-o-holic.

kfk said...

That is why, when I posted an open letter to my Dell Laptop the other day, begging her to not die, I did so very quietly. So far, she is behaving.

The only thing I could support you with is my own addiction.

Oh, and the sexual favors thing? We do what we must. And that includes doing it for large, really unneeded purchases like new furniture.

MotherBumper said...

you crack me up

I think we all need a 12-step but for now let us all gorge ourselves! Death by blog would be a great way to go.

Sparky Duck said...

This laptop is almost attached to my hip, yet I dont know what is so awesome about it. I do miss it when its on the table behind me because I have told Mrs Duck I will be taking a break.

creative-Type Dad (Tony) said...

Too funny!

Maybe I should get my wife to blog...

ewe are here said...

This is my nightmare. And I can see this happening -- my toddler hates it when I'm on my laptop for more than a few miknutes and not giving him my undivided attention, so he'll start trying to hit it, pull on it, push bottons, etc. I figure that someday he's just going to start jumping up and down on it when he finds it unprotected.

Shudder.

Binkytown said...

Uggggggghh.

Shuddering to think about not having People.com at my disposal 24 hours a day..

IAI said...

I'm with you on the whole Dell-only-through-us bullshit. Fuck Dell.