Thursday, November 09, 2006

Let sleeping babies lie

Thank you. Thankyouthankyouthankyou and Thank you.

I gathered from the comments on yesterday's post that most of you also have rabid children with sharp pointy teeth. Teeth that come out when you try to cut their nails. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one with this problem and I thank you for all interesting suggestions on how to execute a swift nail trim while still maintaining flesh on your arms. But to those of you who suggested cutting Chicky Baby's nails while she's sleeping...

BAAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAAAA!!!!

You mean to tell me that you actually dare to breathe in the same direction of your sleeping child? What kind of magic children do you have? Apparently the kind that slumber heavily in a coma-like state. Not mine. Noooo. I dare not even walk in front of the closed door of Chicky's bedroom while she's sleeping for fear of waking the beast.

My daughter is usually a very good sleeper, but a heavy sleeper she is not. If I so much as touch the door handle she's up on her two feet faster than an Olympic sprinter off the blocks. So though I appreciate those suggestions from a hygienic perspective I really appreciated them for the chuckle they brought me. I laughed, I snorted, I guffawed, I shot wine out of my nose.

And let me tell you, that shit hurts.

It's funny, you can pay a veterinarian or a groomer ten bucks to cut a dog's nails but you can't pawn off the task of trimming your kid's onto someone else. It's just not fair. I'd pay big bucks for that service. Which leads me to my next point.

(Did you catch that segue? Smooooooooooth.)

I promised canine nail cutting tips in return for your sage advice. As much as I'd like to write about it here, I'm too tired after trying to put my kid to bed. A kid who is suffering from MissingDaddy-itis. My husband is traveling for business this week and because Chicky is missing him she's refusing to let me leave her in her bedroom at night. She's finally asleep in her crib after many books and games of peekaboo, so I'm going to pour myself a glass of wine and zone out in front of Grey's Anatomy. If you'd like to know more about how to save yourself some money by cutting your dog's nails at home, without leaving bloody paw prints all over your beige carpets, I'll direct you to this post at Dog Gone Blog.

I promise you, cutting a dog's nails is SO much easier than cutting a toddler's. And? You can use restraints if you need to and no one will think twice about it or call the authorities on your. How great is that?

**Added**
Did you catch friggin' Grey's Anatomy? All I wanted to do was loose myself in McDreamy and McSteamy and McGeorge (Gay or not, he's got pinchable cheeks) and what happens? Dead baby. Fuck. Now I'm crying and my nose is running and I can't taste my wine anymore. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck.

32 comments:

mothergoosemouse said...

I wasn't able to comment on that last post because I was laughing too hard at the suggestion that I cut the child's nails while she sleeps. CJ sleeps much the same way Chicky does - with one eye open.

IAI said...

Genius Child can sense when I am anywhere near her ROOM. No friggin' way am I going up there unless she's already awake. Or if there's a fire or something. You get the idea.
Did you try the file?

MotherBumper said...

I'm with mothergoosemouse - the fridge light wakes up Bumper so I didn't comment because I thought maybe I was a wee bit alone on the inability to cut nails during slumber. Honestly: I cut her nails with her Dad helping me "gently" hold her, and on the odd time that I need to do it solo, I feel accomplished if I get two nails done without scratching a cornea.

metro mama said...

Several people have suggested that to me...what a joke! There's no wayt I'd risk waking a sleeping baby. Nails be dammned!

Kate said...

We must have the same children separated at birth! Not only do I hae one child afrid to sleep in his own room, but another one who lately can't seem to stay asleep unless you hold him. Puts a big crimp in trying to drink from that big glass of win I pour at night....

And as for the nail cutting, so funny that you are posting about it. I just had to strap my 5 year old down tonight like a mental patient to cut his giant toe nails.

If you're wondering who I am, I found your funny blog through this month's blog exchange!

jen said...

ahhhh...the miracle and wackiness of a sleeping baby. i've never learned to creep around the house as softly as i do now...

Andie D. said...

Cut a toddler's nails while she's sleeping? Whaaaa? Huh?

Anyway, I'm lucky in that my 4 year old so helps me. He makes like "Cutting nails is cooooooooool baybee! I'm gettin' all the attention nooooooow. Sucks to be yooooooou."

In my house, that's really all it takes for my toddler to want my attention. Any attention.

Duplicitous? Perhaps.

But it fuckin' works!

Bobita said...

Well, now dammit. I'm on the west coast and just now getting ready to watch Grey's Anatomy, wine in hand...and there is a dead baby?! I better finish my glass (read: bottle) before the show starts!

Lisa said...

Yeah, let sleeping babies lie. Because if you wake them up and they see you trimming their nails --- Anger with the fire of a thousand suns!

Mommy off the Record said...

Dead baby? Oh crap. A spoiler! This is what I get for tivoing it and watching it on Friday. Gah! :)

p.s. Little Guy is the same way with sleeping. Great sleeper, but very light sleeper. I wouldn't dare touch the door or he would be up in a second!

Jenny said...

Amen sister. I feel your pain.

I always pin down Hailey and just let her scream it out while I do her nails but my mom showed me how to use a combo of TV plus and additional person to dance and distract her while I trimmed.

Lots of work...but worth it.

Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

SF sleeps with one eye on her door knob as well. I could never do anything to her while she's sleeping...

Good luck.

Mamacita Tina said...

Ian sleeps solid. I can juggle with him as one of the props and he's still be asleep. But Laurel, she's like Chicky Baby. We hold our breath and tiptoe past her door, and cringe when we hear her stirring.

Monkey Butt's Mom said...

When I was a babe, my mom used to have the pediatrician clip my nails. I'm lucky, my little monkey doesn't mind the nail clipping... yet. I'm sure I'll get my wrath.

Mom and I did discuss this summer how there are plenty of moms out there who would pay a premium for such a service. But, as you said, you can't put a kid in a muzzle.

Dana said...

I hated clipping Dawson nails because I was so very afraid I'd cut his finger, too. I made my husband do it, and he still does it to this day!

Jess Riley said...

I like the distraction dance suggestion; sounds entertaining! :-)

Poopydigs said...

McDreamy is quite McYummy.

I'll trade you, my daughter loves to have her nails "done", which means clipped. Our dog, however, is another story.

mamatulip said...

Oh god. There's no WAY I could cut either of my child's nails while they were sleeping. It just don't work that way. LOL.

carrie said...

Okaaaaay, so enlist the help of a friend/babysitter/grandparent who Chicky loves - ask/beg them to try and cut her nails! Maybe it isn't too soon for the sparkly nail polish?

That's all I got for you and your light sleeper! Good luck!

Carrie

sunshine scribe said...

Cut a child's nails while sleeping? That is sadistic. There is NO way my son would have slept through that.

And Grey's ... everyone I know keeps telling me its good I stopped watching TV especially this week.

Mrs. Chicken said...

Mrs. Chicky, where did you get that Colon Cancer logo? I would like one ... sadly, I don't have a Relay For Life anywhere near me.

Sorry for the random comment.

ewe are here said...

We're a season behind on Grey's over here and I really miss it! Waaah!

something blue said...

I'm very sorry about the wine out the nose trick!

You'd think the act of cutting nails was hurting them from their piercing screams. Or rather is the act of torture just getting a child to sit still for a whole minute?

kittenpie said...

Oh, I know, that was awful. But I was enjoying McDreamy in the woods... I could hit that!

Christina said...

Oh, I never go near a sleeping Cordy. That child wakes if she hears the slightest noise, so there's no way I'd try anything when she's sleeping. That's why I cut her nails right after she wakes up, when she's still groggy.

penelopeto said...

my kid sleeps like yours. and we live in a really creaky old house, with one bathroom right near her (our) bed, so...

no one pees until i'm ready to go to sleep.

and grey's anatomy was heartbreaking. i sobbed for a good long while. (which effectively killed my hard-on for the steamiest of them all - karev - smirking his sexy little smirk while he kicked, i mean slapped, george's ass. wait, that's not what i meant)

Damselfly said...

Oh, I know! Who *couldn't* cry at that episode of GA, dammit?

On my first pedi appointment after my son was born, I asked the doctor if someone would show me how to trim his nails. The pedi told me he did that only once, and cut every 10 of the baby's fingers and made them all bleed, so now he doesn't do it anymore! He told me to use a file or peel my baby's nails. I used the file one time while he was sleeping.

In the beginning, I wanted my baby to get used to the sounds of the household -- a little bit of TV noise, shuffling spoons in the kitchen, the phone ringing, etc. -- but now that I treasure every nap he takes, I understand tiptoeing around!

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