Monday, November 27, 2006

The flesh is weak

I've been sitting here for the past hour wondering why I feel thick and heavy with exhaustion - as foggy and dull as an old butter knife and just as useless - when it finally occurred to me:

After a rough 24 hours I've allowed my body to rest and my brain decided that whatever the body is doing the brain has to do better. In this case if the body is allowed to stop and regroup then the mind goes into major shut-down mode.

Which is why I'm writing instead of resting.

If I allow myself to rest then I may not get back up for a long time and that just doesn't fly when there is a young toddler to take care of. True, Mr. C is on vacation but it doesn't seem fair to leave the majority of the work on him. True also, my unmade bed looks inviting, but how decadent it seems to slumber in the middle of the day. A week day. A Monday.

But why can't I allow myself to find respite under cool sheets and goosedown? Wasn't I the one who almost had a panic attack in the dentist's office this morning (three cavities instead of two)? My husband had no idea how terrified I was of a procedure I had never experienced before and, honestly, neither did I until it was over. The visit left me spent, but it wasn't just the trip to the dentist that has put me into this coma. No, one stressful situation I can handle. It wasn't even the seizure my dog had last night. Or the contractors who are here, again. It's not the stress of the holidays or all the shopping I still have to do. It's not the dis-satification I feel for my job or the lack of respect I have for my bosses. And it's not the fact that I agreed to debate (a term I use loosely) one side of a touchy subject on Kristen's blog talk show tomorrow night.

It's none of those things and all of those things combined with the news that came yesterday morning that my grandfather died.

There has been so much death in my family in the past few years. My mother, my paternal grandfather, a great uncle and now my maternal grandfather. Too much loss and too many tears. It's all so wearing.

I had planned on eulogizing him, my grandfather, here for memories sake, but I don't have the energy. No, now I want to put my daughter down for a nap and take one myself. But I won't because there are floors to be vacuumed and dishes to be done, lists to be made, Christmas lights to be hung, cars to be retrieved and classes to prepare for.

I'll take only this short amount of restful time to jot down a few words before starting another job. I come from a family that doesn't believe in rest until all tasks are completed. My 80 year old grandfather, my Papa, worked until a few months before he died. My mother was the same way. Work is what keeps us going, what keeps our minds sharp and our eyes clear. I'll sleep tonight when I know everyone in my house is safely tucked away in their respective beds and at least a few chores are crossed off my list.

That is when I will allow my mind to turn off.

36 comments:

radioactive girl said...

Sometimes I feel like it is easier for me to handle everything if stay busy and just don't think. I'm sorry for your loss, and all the stress you are going through! Give yourself time to recover from all of this. It is ok to take a break!

Christina said...

Oh, I'm so sorry about your grandfather. No time is ever good to hear news like that, but with all you've got going on at the moment, it's no wonder your body and mind wants to shut down for a bit.

Take it easy and allow yourself the time to mourn, and take some time just for you, too. You need it, and you deserve it.

Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

I know how you feel. But you need to rest. Once in a while...The dirty floors aren't going anywhere...trust me. I ignore them often and they don't GO AWAY. Take a rest and you will have the energy to do what you need. I hope you find time (and will power) to do that!!!

PunditMom said...

I'm sorry about your grandfather. I have been thinking about my dear maternal grandfather a lot lately. He died many years ago, but the death of my close friend recently has brought it all back.

Take care of yourself, even if it means a little nap in the middle of a Monday.

T. said...

I'm very sorry to hear of your loss.

May he rest in peace, and you find comfort in his memory.

Keep busy, Ms. Chicky.

Heather said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you can take some (much deserved and needed) time for yourself soon.

Kristi said...

I'm sorry for you and your family. It's a rough time to lose a loved one. I hope your next few weeks are as smooth as possible and you have the time to reflect on your grandfather and all he meant to your family.

Now go take a nap.

ewe are here said...

I'm sorry for your loss. It's so hard when we lose loved ones.

Please take some time for yourself to just 'be'. It sounds like that's what your mind is telling you.

Lawyer Mama said...

I'm so sorry about your grandfather, Mrs. C. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now, but try to take some time for yourself. I know how much easier said than done that is though.

Binkytown said...

I'm so sorry to hear your grandfather passed away. That's a hard thing and if you don't feel like sitting down then keep on going. You'll relax on your own terms when you are ready- just be sure to be good to yourself. Moms especially are the last to do that and the ones who need it most.

Kate said...

So sorry to hear about your grandfather. Sounds like he lived a long life (80 yrs).

I can relate to not wanting to stop until things are done. I was never the type of mom that took the advice of napping when the baby does. Are you kidding? There are 10 loads of laundry piling up in my bedroom! And my bathrom is turning into a lab experiment.

So when I was talking about the same subject with a friend over why I can't seem to just let the house "go", he said, "So you're a completer. Nothing wrong with that." So complete away! And be proud of it.

mothergoosemouse said...

I'm so sorry. I understand the urge to lose yourself in work, and if it helps you cope, then do it.

kfk said...

Interesting, our coping mechanisms. I am sure you will find rest when you really need it. So sorry for your loss.

something blue said...

Oh, that's too many things! You are a much stronger woman than I. I would be under those sheets for a full day. Three cavities! I really hope your dog is alright.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your grandfather. I hope you get lots of hugs from your sweet girl and your good husband.

jen said...

oh, madame chick. am hearting you right now...

staying busy, yes...but make time for you and what you need in the midst.
xo

ECR said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandfather. My sympathy goes out to you and your family.

Irreverent Antisocial Intellectual said...

Your grandfather passing, three cavities, a dog seizure ... you made the IAI tear up.
I'm sorry for your loss. Hope things start looking up soon.

Dirk_Star said...

Sad for your loss, but happy for your family.

You are lucky to have a family that continues despite the losses...

wendy boucher said...

You have a lot of devoted friends here in blogland. We're all sorry for your loss. I hope keeping busy provides you the relief you need.

Mom101 said...

Oh so so sorry to hear this. I hope you can spend these days thinking and writing and remembering and keeping him close in your heart.

lildb said...

Oh, dude.

I'm so sorry.

I hope you take some time to heal, although I understand that healing, for me, sometimes comes in the form of obsessive cleaning.

and then falling into bed exhausted.

really big hugs.

Deb

MrsFortune said...

I'm sorry about all that. When you do have the energy I'd like to read the eulogy.

People always tell me that the dirt will still be there after the nap. But they just don't understand.

Jozet said...

Oh no...I'm so sorry about your grandfather.

Yes...be kind to yourself. Keep busy if you need to. But make a space - even if after the holidays - to take a phsyical and spiritual spa day.

Susan Gets Native said...

Rest and grieve now. The rest is good for you and the grief will come out whether you want it to or not. Even if you put it off, it will be there until you deal with it.
I am sorry for your loss. Remember him, love him, and collect all those people around you who love you.

dana said...

I'm sorry to hear about your Grandfather. My thoughts are with you.

Mamacita Tina said...

So sorry about your grandfather's death. Your in my thoughts.

mamatulip said...

I'm so sorry...yet, we all have our different coping mechanisims. Sounds like ours are similar -- when I'm stressed, or angry, I clean. Power clean. And when I do fall into bed exhausted, it feels good, in a way.

My thoughts are with you.

K said...

That totally sucks, Chicky. I hope things get better and like Mom-101 says, maybe writing will help you reflect and carry on his memory.

Avalon said...

Chicky,

So sorry about the loss of your Papa. It sounds as if he passed on a wonderful work ethic to your family. Just be sure to listen to your body as clearly as you listen to your mind. If your body needs to rest right now, take the opportunity to do so.

Amy W said...

Thoughts are with you and your family, so sorry for your loss...

Jess Riley said...

So sorry to hear of your grandfather, and that you're feeling so worn out. Take care of yourself...

SJ said...

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your grandfather. Sending comforting thoughts your way...

Kristen said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours.

I do know how it feels to be stressed and overwhelmed. Take a break. Relax (as much as you can with a toddler- trust me, I know how hard this is). Treat yourself to some ice cream or a starbucks or something new like a pair of jeans or shoes. Just do something for you- something to make you feel good.

carrie said...

I am very sorry to hear of your loss. Sometimes doing all those "tasks" IS therapeutic, and like someone said before - the rest afterward is deep and long. I hope you can find the time for yourself when you can.

Carrie

creative-type dad said...

So sorry to hear that :(

Mrs. Chicken said...

Friend, I am sorry to be late to express my condolences. You aren't showing up for me in bloglines.

You should have taken the nap. I am sorry for your sorrow.