Sometimes I don't know if I should wind my a*s or scratch my blog.

Two things -

First of all, thank you to everyone who left a comment on my last post. General consensus seems to be "Hey, dumbass. Call the cops already. [exaggerated eye roll]" But you didn't actually use the word "dumbass" and I appreciate that. A slight nudge feels a lot better than the proverbial boot to the butt. Less foot treads to wipe away, too.

I've been talking this over with Mr. C - who thinks I'm being paranoid - and a couple of neighbors we recently met - who seem to think I'm only being slightly paranoid - and we're going to call the authorities and have them check things out. I'll let you know how things work out.

And since you were all so generous with your opinions...

(I know what you're thinking, "Gimme a break, she's going to ask for more advice. The woman can't scratch her own ass without the help of the internets." And for the record, I can hear you.)

A looong time ago, my fabulously smart and insightful readers (and did I mention, you look fantastic today? Have you been working out?) came up with a list of names for my now-defunct dog training blog. Sooo.... *looking around coyly* I was hoping you could help me out again.

You see, I'm trying to get my own private dog training business up and running but the problem is this, I can't for the LIFE of me think of a decent name. I can train your dog to fetch you a beer from the fridge but coming up with a business name? Not too good in that department.

I've got one kicking around that sounds fine, I suppose. Want to hear it? You know you do.

The Family Dog.

How does that grab you? Yeah, I feel the same. Not bad but I don't know if I'm sold on it, not 100% anyway. And I needed to see it through your eyes before I settled on it so thoughts on that name are very much appreciated. BUT if you have one better - and I know you do because you're intelligent and creative and you look great in those jeans - I would really love to hear it.

The slant to my business is general dog training with basic behavior modification if necessary, but my main focus will be on families. I want to get the entire family involved and interested in caring for the family dog (hence the name I came up with) including the kids. I want my business to be very family friendly. And have I said "family" enough already? Family.

So, here's my criteria for the name:

- Must sound good said aloud - For example, on the phone "Hello, [business name]" It has to be snappy and not too cutesy because I hate cutesy.

- Must be searchable. So "dog" or "dog training" or the like should be in the title.

- Must look good on a business card.

I don't really have much to offer in return except my undying love and free dog advice, but that's something right?

Right?

Besides, you helped name my baby so a business name should be gravy.

(Please don't make me beg. It's not pretty.)

(Also, gravy. Mmmm, gravy.)

But this one doesn't go with my shoes. No wait, this one ATE my shoes.

I'm pinch hitting over at MamaPop today, doing what I do best - ranting about dog owner's irresponsible behavior. Oh, and I do rant. I am a Ranty Ranterson.

Do join me, won't you?

Both ends of the spectrum of animal abuse

Apparently there was a video released yesterday showing a Marine allegedly throwing a puppy off of a cliff while another Marine off camera coos in a childlike voice,

"Oh so cute, so cute little puppy."

The puppy is motionless but sounds of yelping can be heard as the puppy is tossed off the cliff until, finally, a thud.

I have not seen the video because I have no desire to watch that happening, and I won't post it here. Just the idea sickens me.

Marine officials are investigating the matter, whether the video is even real and if it is what action should be taken against the soldiers.

If it is real this is an extreme case of abuse, where an innocent animal is needlessly killed in a horrific way. Unequivocally. I don't think anyone can dispute that.

But what about the other end of the spectrum?

My friend Major Bedhead has a post up about a neighbor of hers with two dogs. One, a small toy dog, seems to be well taken care of and lives with the family. The other, a larger retriever looking mix, is forced to live in the basement where he is fed (I don't know how often and if it's adequate) and sometimes watered (though she says the dog is heard dragging his empty bowl around) and is forced to eliminate on the basement floor. He is never taken out and has little contact with his "family".

Is this abuse?

You bet your bippy it's abuse. To me there's little doubt about it. Unfortunately, this type of abuse happens more often than you might think and it's very hard for humane officials to do anything about it because, technically, its not considered to be abuse.

Intentional cruelty is when a person actively abuses an animal and it usually indicates a serious human behavior condition. In the case of the Marine, anyone who can throw an animal to its death needs psychiatric help pronto because who knows what other violent acts that person is capable of. The most common type of abuse of animals is neglect. The ASPCA describes it as, "denying a companion animals the basic necessities of care, such as food, water or shelter." It doesn't say anything about compassion or kindness.

But imagine a scenario where the players were a bit different: Switch the dog with a child. A child is forced to live in a basement. She is given food and water everyday, though probably not enough. She has a roof over her head but is given no attention. She has nothing to stimulate her intellectually. She is not loved or hugged. No one talks to her. And she is forced to live in conditions where her bed is inches away from where she is forced to eliminate, on the floor. Is that abuse?

You don't have to answer that.

So what's so different? Why is this animal who wants nothing but attention and a kind hand, maybe some tasty kibble, some clean water and a soft bed, subjected to that type of blatant abuse and it doesn't raise the ire of an entire community. Where are the news reports for this dog? Is it because the dog cannot speak? He cannot protest his living conditions so, therefore, it's legal for it to continue? Someone please explain this to me.

Maybe if enough people spoke up for the animals who cannot speak for themselves this wouldn't happen as much. Major Bedhead got quite a few comments from people who told her to call the proper authorities and report this neglect. If you know of someone who is treating their dog in this way you can visit the ASPCA website to find a list of the agencies in your area that you can call.

If you find yourself in the situation where you just can't care for your dog any longer, either financially, physically or emotionally, I urge you to give the dog up for adoption. Contact a local shelter, rescue organization or humane society and let someone who can care for the dog do so.

Dogs are companion animals who were bred to be with us. Denying this animal the most common courtesy of our affection is senseless. You wouldn't treat a child this way, you wouldn't treat a fellow adult this way, so why would you treat a defenseless animal so poorly?

The Alpha Bitch Speaks - Issue #1, Keeping your puppy off the pole

Alpha Bitch Speaks is a question and answer column about dog training, dog behavior and all things dog and will be a regular addition to this blog. If you have a question for Alpha Bitch email it to Chicky Chicky Baby [at] Hotmail [dot] com.

Please remember that Alpha Bitch is not an expert nor is she a licensed animal behaviorist, she is a dog trainer who has a passion for dogs and sarcasm. If you send her a question like "Halp! My dogs are threatening to eat my baby!" she will tell you to immediately seek professional help in your area. And you should.

Also if you send a question expect a hard and truthful answer. Alpha Bitch does not sugar coat things. Sugar is not good for dogs anyway.

-----------------

The very first question for Alpha Bitch (how exciting) comes from Childs Play x2:

"I'm a big fan so I thought I'd write in to the Dog Lady. My only problem is that I don't have a dog.

But, I may one day go down that road and I have a burning question that keeps coming up every time I think of owning a dog.

How do I become such a good doggie daddy that my dog doesn't go on to live the seedy life of doggie porn?

I await your answer with baited breath."

First of all, Childs Play, flattery will get you everywhere with the Alpha Bitch. Gifts and money will get you ever further. But if you try to scratch my belly I will bite you.

Every new pet parent hopes their sweet, lovable lump of fluff and energy will grow up to be a smart and healthy dog. Most of our fears in those early days have to do with passing Puppy Kindergarten (no one wants to be the parent of a puppy school dropout, you may as well paint her pink and pass her off to Paris Hilton) and keeping our carpets clean of accidents. No one believe their puppy will ever end up shaking their tails at the local fire hydrant for every Max, Spot, or Rover that comes along. A life that will only lead to, in your words, a "seedy life of doggie porn".

So how do we keep our pups off the pole?

Simple. Spay or neuter your pup!

"Fixing" your dog will help keep them from wandering away from home. Spaying a female dog at around 6 months old will ensure she will never go into heat (okay, almost never. I do know a dog who had her first season at 5 and a half months but she was a German Shepherd and very mature for her age as the Germans often are), therefore saving you money in carpet and upholstery cleaning bills after she's, ahem, surfed the crimson wave. And you won't have every hound dog in the neighborhood ringing your doorbell at all times of the day and night looking for a date.

Likewise if you have a male dog he'll be less apt to run around town, knocking over garbage cans and mail boxes, spray painting cars, hanging out at honky tonks that serve whiskey and 100% all beef burgers, and just being a public nuisance in general. And neutering him will ensure he doesn't run away from home with the first french poodle he meets, shacking up in some run down apartment building on the wrong side of town and knocking her up in the process.

Do you really want to be a grandpa so young? To an entire litter? Didn't think so.

If Alpha Bitch can speak seriously for a moment, more than 3 million animals (and that includes cats, the sluts) are euthanized in shelters each year in the United States alone. By helping to control the pet population not only are you your own little version of Bob Barker but you're helping to save lives. Now don't you feel good about yourself if you've already taken little Ginger or Riley for the ol' snip snip?

So there you have it, Childs Play. Spay or Neuter your one day dog at around six months of age and you won't have to worry about seeing them on Pay Per View one day on all fours.

Now, if you get a bunny Alpha Bitch can't help you. They're all destined for the pages of Playboy some day.



Total coincidence - I didn't know that today was Spay Day USA until I just opened an email from the Humane Society of the United States. If you want to help spay or neuter a pet today go here to find out more.

Okay, you won't actually be assisting in the spay or neuter process but why would you want to? You'd get your hands all icky.

-------------

And on a very serious note, can you please put aside a moment to send some good thoughts or a prayer to Susan Getgood who had to put down her Scottie Sabrina yesterday. It's hard to lose a pet and Susan is one of the biggest dog lovers I know. Peace to Sabrina Fair.

Gone to the dogs

I held my last dog training class the other night. My very last one ever for the foreseeable future. My students all graduated but it was an advanced level class with a Canine Good Citizen test at the end.

No one passed the test.

I'm trying not to feel completely responsible for their less than stellar performances. I was their trainer after all, and their success and failure reflects on me as a teacher. Or something like that.

I'm over it now.

What I'm not over is the idea that I am no longer employed.

I decided awhile ago I was not going back to teaching classes once this one was done, at least not until this Chicklet is born and out of her lumpy phase. In one capacity or another, I've been teaching for the past five years and I need a break. You probably don't realize how much pressure there is in teaching, of all things, dog training, but it's a lot more stressful than you think. Stressful and wonderful. Recently I'd cut back my hours so much that I was literally only working about three to five hours a week so I feel like I've weaned myself off the job pretty well. But I still can't settle on the fact that I'm unemployed. That I'm simply a stay at home mom now.

This is the part where you really give it to me. Being a mom is a job, you'll insist, a full time job. A full time job with constant overtime and very few perks, like sick days and, if we're being really pesky, money, but a job nonetheless. The hardest job you'll ever love.

Cough cough wheeze cough choke choke cough

Believe me, I've bought into all that propaganda too. But the fact remains, I've been working since I was thirteen and with the exception of a few months after my first wedding when I quit my job and I had this silly little breakdown that drove me into a deep pit of depression, I've never been unemployed.

Oh, I never told you about my breakdown? It's not one of those things I like to bring up. It tends to put a damper on the conversation when I try to bring it up between the coffee and the cookies. Can you pass the sugar - yeah I had a slight nervous breakdown and didn't really leave my apartment for two months all because I quit my job after I married the wrong man and my life was in a dizzy spinning vortex of confusion - and the half and half too? Thanks.

So you can see why I'm a little freaked out about not having a job.

I am defined by my job. I like working. I like contributing to society and pulling in my own paycheck, even if it is pitifully small. I like going to dinner parties and having something else to talk about besides my kid. And believe me, tell people you're a dog trainer and you'll have a party buddy all night.

In the short term I'll be putting my business cards out there and taking a few private clients but I don't think that will really take off until after the baby is born. It's getting kind of hard to get down on the floor with a wriggly puppy to teach him to sit with this basketball in my abdomen getting in my way. In the long term I still see myself owning my own business.

In the meantime, I need my fix. I'd hate to accost some unsuspecting person on the street about their dog, so send me your dog questions and I'll be happy to answer them on this here blog. I let the other site lapse so let's move it here. I'll be the Dog Lady and we'll have an "Ask the Dog Lady" post every once and awhile. I'm just brainstorming off the top of my head here, but I like the sound of this. And how often do you get advice like that for free?

Send them to my email (see it up there? In the upper right corner? Up a little higher... Yeah, that's it.) and I'll hook you up. You'll be doing me a favor. No, really. You'll probably be doing my neighbors a favor too because if I have to only deal with their psychotic, out of control Chihuahuas that are never on leash, things could get ugly.

Stick and stones may break my bones, but it's my credit card that is really going to suffer

The final installment of The Birth of a Chicky will have to wait so that I may tell all you pet owners and potential pet owners something REALLY important.

Get pet insurance NOW.

Even if you don't have a pet, insure a stuffed animal just to make sure you'll have that damned insurance once you get a pet. I'm not joking about this in the slightest.

My darling Fisher has bladder stones. He's probably in pain - which is the amazing thing about these animals. You could hit them in the head with a rock and they'd hardly flinch. Though I don't recommend testing that theory - and more than likely has been for some time. The stones were probably caused by an infection, what kind of infection we have no idea yet, and he'll be on an expensive antibiotic and a special food for the next month to try to dissolve the stones and rid him of the infection. If the diet doesn't work he'll need surgery. Very, very expensive surgery.

Oh, and we can't give him any food but the prescription diet. No treats, no cleaning up after Chicky's lunch, no special cookies. Nothing. Just his special food that apparently tastes like ass. For a labrador that's right on par with toenail extraction without anesthesia. Or being forced to listen to Yanni albums. Labradors hate Yanni. I hear they like Jimmy Buffet a lot but that new age crap is just not for them.

Anyway.

Cost to my credit card in just the last week for numerous tests, medication and food: Almost $800.

Do you know what I could do with $800?

Picture me, alone, sipping a virgin dacquari on a warm sandy beach far, far away from veterinarians and stinky dogs with bladder stones. My protruding belly and ever growing backside firmly planted in a comfortable lounge chair while a cabana boy named Juan brings me fresh fruit and rubs my feet while he tells me how incredibly sexy pregnant women are.

Although, I'd probably have to pay extra for that last bit. It would be worth it though.

I guess I'm going to need more readers of this here blog to pay for poor Fisher's medical treatment. I wonder how people feel about cat porn?

Oh yeah. You like that, don't you big boy? My name is Nina but you can call me Jaba the Cat. You like your pussy cats full figured, don't you?

Dude, that is so wrong. I can't even look at you. But if you put on some Cheeseburger in Paradise and gave me a cookie this whole thing would be forgotten.

Ew, ew, ew, ew

To the many -many many MANY - people who find this site by searching for Dog P*rn -

Go the hell away. Please and thank you. I know it's my own damn fault for typing those words in the first place but I honestly did not think this many of you had a fetish for da pooches. Wow.

But where I am naive you, dear perverts, are sick.

It's really time to get off your computers and seek help. Like five minutes ago. Really, close your laptops or shut down your PCs and pick up the phone. Call a licensed psychiatrist, have yourself committed, do whatever you need to do to get over this sickness. My sincerest hope is that you haven't acted upon your perverse desire and have stayed in the safety of your parent's basement, away from all innocent four-legged creatures. Believe me, I know dogs. No matter how much you think that French poodle in the tight sweater is asking for it, she's not.

That is all.

--------------

In real dog news...

Still waiting to hear the results of Fisher's latest x-rays and screens. I played phone tag with the vet today so now I have to wait until tomorrow to find out. What's one more day and a few more gray hairs, right?

Thanks for all your concern, your comments and emails have meant a lot to me. They've meant a lot to Fish, too. Since we have deep, meaningful conversations on a regular basis I had to tell him the people in blogland were routing for him. He was really touched.

Like you don't talk to your pets. Psssh.



Fisher wanted to pass on sloppy, stinky kisses to you all. *Smooches*

This story could make almost any Red Sox fan cry

Remember when my dogs broke into my closed pantry and ate my Girl Scout cookies? That was a pretty bad day. But this story is much worse.

"Given my chosen profession as a dog trainer I love a good dog story in the news, but this one almost broke my heart..." [Continued at New England Mamas]

Tiptoe through the (holiday) tipping

I'm over at the New England Mamas today begging people for advice on tipping during the holidays and feeling pretty guilty because I think I just gypped my dogs' groomer out of a decent holiday gift.

And my dogs are not exactly, um, easy to groom. I should know, I used to do all their grooming before Chicky came along. Have you ever tried bathing two eighty pound dogs? The hair ingested alone is worth giving the groomer one of my kidneys if she ever needed it.

So come visit us and give me your best tips on tipping.

Don't get rid of that puppy just yet

...Puppies can come on a bit strong under the best of circumstances, but to a little kid a jumpy puppy can be really intimidating. To a pre-schooler they can be downright terrifying. This - introducing children to dogs - is a delicate situation that needs to be handled with care. As a parent, the last thing you want is a child (or two) who grow up with a fear of dogs and as a dog owner you don't want to have to give up that cute new puppy. [Read More...]

Um... Uh... Er... Yeah

From the bottom of my cold, dead heart and all the way down to the ends of my freakishly long toes I want to thank you all for your thoughts and prayers for my Gram. I wish that I could say that they all kick started a miracle, I really do, but they didn't.

Instead of being sent to that hospital 45 minutes away from her home Gram was, instead, sent to Mass General in Boston. Not an easy drive for my aunt, the woman who is honorary caretaker and chauffeur for my grandmother.

(If my mom was still around it would have been her doing all the driving and speaking with the doctors. My aunt calls me often to curse my mother for leaving her. She says it with a smile, but curses nonetheless.)

Gram was admitted this evening and tomorrow they'll do a battery of tests to determine what's going on with the 8 inch "growth" on her pelvis. They believe it's ovarian cancer but the doctors won't commit to that diagnosis just yet.

Oh yeah, and the cat still hasn't shown up. Also, I've learned just how weird some of my neighbors are. Bonus.

So no miracle yet, but those thoughts and prayers could still help. Thank you for them all.

----------------------

On a happier note, Sarah thinks I rock. More specifically, she thinks I'm a rockin' girl blogger. I don't feel so rockin' right now but who am I to argue with my new real life friend?

Apparently, this is one of those pay-it-forward deal-ios. These things always make me feel like I'm playing favorites but in this case I really don't give a hairy rat's ass. Call it a popularity contest, blahdee blahdee blahdee, but I'm of the opinion that there are some rockin' chicks out there in blogland and they deserve to be recognized. Dammit.

1. Blog Antagonist - She doesn't know it but she's talked me off of more proverbial ledges than any other blogger. She's my idol, I want to be just like her if I ever decide to grow up. For now, I'll just consider her my big sister on the web. And the woman can write. If you don't visit her blog regularly you really should because when she's a big time published author us lucky readers will be able to say we knew her when.

2. Mama Tulip - Because we've experienced the same loss we're bound for all eternity. A bit much? I don't think so.

3. Redneck Mommy - T is the shit. She's a tough betch who will undoubtedly kick my ass if I don't keep her in alcohol at Blogher. And did I mention that I'm rooming with that tatooed and pierced freak (says the woman who calls her sister "dirtbag" as a sign of true and deep affection)? Pray for me. I may never return. I may not want to, we may just run away together.

4. Binky of 24/7 - My scrod, another woman who can write circles around me. And I love her for it. She can render me speechless with the smallest of paragraph and.... See? I don't know what else to say. She's just that good.

5. Jenny of Mama Drama and now the Bloggess - She's so fantastic that I may have to move to Texas just to stalk her. You think I'm joking. I'm not that funny. She's that funny.

----------------------

One more thing, if you have a dog who is afraid of thunderstorms or fireworks I have a new post up at Dog Gone Blog about it.

Now, if you don't mind, I think I may just go get drunk now.

Like a PowerPoint presentation but funner

Ooh, bullet points! Where's the tepid coffee and stale bagels?

Shit, just some prune danish left. Anyway, let's begin. Could someone hit the lights?

• All that talk the other day about a New England mama blogger meet up? Sounds like an interesting idea to me. (Ahem, clicky clicky the linky linky)
  

• How about another link? Hey! Look over here! Bring your feather dusters and Pledge because I could use some help cleaning up the joint.

• I need a new look for my blog and I'm ready to part with some money (how that pains me to say that 'cause I'm cheap frugal) to get all spiffy. Does anyone know of a designer who can give me a more modern look? I'd like a three column blog, something simple with just a few bells and whistles and I'd like it to be completed before Blogher. Your help would be much appreciated.

• If you like my occasional, infrequent wine reviews (maybe if I layed off the hooch I'd write them more often) you'll love The Whinery. Really good stuff already over there for your drinking pleasure.

Chicky is still sick. I've watched so much children's television that blood is starting to flow from my eye sockets. Is there any coincidence that blood is the same color as Elmo? Someone send reinforcements and make sure they have all the necessary emergency equipment: tequila, gin, and a case of wine. Thanks.