Tuesday, February 26, 2008

The Alpha Bitch Speaks - Issue #1, Keeping your puppy off the pole

Alpha Bitch Speaks is a question and answer column about dog training, dog behavior and all things dog and will be a regular addition to this blog. If you have a question for Alpha Bitch email it to Chicky Chicky Baby [at] Hotmail [dot] com.

Please remember that Alpha Bitch is not an expert nor is she a licensed animal behaviorist, she is a dog trainer who has a passion for dogs and sarcasm. If you send her a question like "Halp! My dogs are threatening to eat my baby!" she will tell you to immediately seek professional help in your area. And you should.

Also if you send a question expect a hard and truthful answer. Alpha Bitch does not sugar coat things. Sugar is not good for dogs anyway.

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The very first question for Alpha Bitch (how exciting) comes from Childs Play x2:

"I'm a big fan so I thought I'd write in to the Dog Lady. My only problem is that I don't have a dog.

But, I may one day go down that road and I have a burning question that keeps coming up every time I think of owning a dog.

How do I become such a good doggie daddy that my dog doesn't go on to live the seedy life of doggie porn?

I await your answer with baited breath."
First of all, Childs Play, flattery will get you everywhere with the Alpha Bitch. Gifts and money will get you ever further. But if you try to scratch my belly I will bite you.

Every new pet parent hopes their sweet, lovable lump of fluff and energy will grow up to be a smart and healthy dog. Most of our fears in those early days have to do with passing Puppy Kindergarten (no one wants to be the parent of a puppy school dropout, you may as well paint her pink and pass her off to Paris Hilton) and keeping our carpets clean of accidents. No one believe their puppy will ever end up shaking their tails at the local fire hydrant for every Max, Spot, or Rover that comes along. A life that will only lead to, in your words, a "seedy life of doggie porn".

So how do we keep our pups off the pole?

Simple. Spay or neuter your pup!

"Fixing" your dog will help keep them from wandering away from home. Spaying a female dog at around 6 months old will ensure she will never go into heat (okay, almost never. I do know a dog who had her first season at 5 and a half months but she was a German Shepherd and very mature for her age as the Germans often are), therefore saving you money in carpet and upholstery cleaning bills after she's, ahem, surfed the crimson wave. And you won't have every hound dog in the neighborhood ringing your doorbell at all times of the day and night looking for a date.

Likewise if you have a male dog he'll be less apt to run around town, knocking over garbage cans and mail boxes, spray painting cars, hanging out at honky tonks that serve whiskey and 100% all beef burgers, and just being a public nuisance in general. And neutering him will ensure he doesn't run away from home with the first french poodle he meets, shacking up in some run down apartment building on the wrong side of town and knocking her up in the process.

Do you really want to be a grandpa so young? To an entire litter? Didn't think so.

If Alpha Bitch can speak seriously for a moment, more than 3 million animals (and that includes cats, the sluts) are euthanized in shelters each year in the United States alone. By helping to control the pet population not only are you your own little version of Bob Barker but you're helping to save lives. Now don't you feel good about yourself if you've already taken little Ginger or Riley for the ol' snip snip?

So there you have it, Childs Play. Spay or Neuter your one day dog at around six months of age and you won't have to worry about seeing them on Pay Per View one day on all fours.

Now, if you get a bunny Alpha Bitch can't help you. They're all destined for the pages of Playboy some day.



Total coincidence - I didn't know that today was Spay Day USA until I just opened an email from the Humane Society of the United States. If you want to help spay or neuter a pet today go here to find out more.

Okay, you won't actually be assisting in the spay or neuter process but why would you want to? You'd get your hands all icky.

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And on a very serious note, can you please put aside a moment to send some good thoughts or a prayer to Susan Getgood who had to put down her Scottie Sabrina yesterday. It's hard to lose a pet and Susan is one of the biggest dog lovers I know. Peace to Sabrina Fair.

9 comments:

Genevieve Hinson said...

Wish I knew about the 6-month thing. Just took my pms'ing bundle of fluff for her spay last Friday.

Still scrubbing.

Susan Getgood said...

I cannot tell you how much your kind words have meant to me.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Lisa said...

Dear Alpha Bitch,

I would LOVE to get another dog. But I'm very hesitant. I worry our 9-year-old diva dog won't want to make nice with the new family member. (She's turning into a cranky old bitty. Besides, I think she's STILL hoping that someday we'll change our minds and bring the hairless puppy -- our son who's almost 6 -- back from where he came.)

So my question is how can I tell if she'd be ok with a new, furry addition? How do I pick the right second pup. And if we do bring another pup back, how do we make the transition smooth for everyone (and pup) involved?

Love and cold puppy noses,

Childsplayx2 said...

Thanks for the great advice!

I'm assuming that this advice doesn't transfer over to my kids.

Avalon said...

Love the advice Mrs. C, but I must jump in and make one minor correction. The Poodle is not a "french Poodle". it is actually of Germanic origin, originally bred as a water retriever. I know it's a silly, minor point, but the usage of "french Poodle" reinforces the image of a froo-froo, silly bundle of hair.

There! That's better. Off to groom my Poodles.

PunditMom said...

Keepin' the pups off the pole! :O

Stimey said...

I used to work for a vet and got to watch him spay and neuter dogs and cats. It was very cool, actually. One of the coolest surgeries I watched was the vet taking some kind of large stones (gall or kidney, I don't remember) out of a small dog. It was amazing. And I'll bet the dog was happier too.

Table for Five said...

Thanks for making me almost spit coffee on my keyboard when I read "keeping your puppy off the pole"-ha! And I agree, pets should be spayed or neutered.

fooped said...

Paws up for the speuter post!!

Watch this video - says it all:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5CZXgjsFZLk