Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Spring has sprung and guess what it brought to my door

Ah, the first day of spring. It brings with it the promise of warmer days, tiny buds on the trees (in some parts of the country anyway, in mine not so much) and pastel flowers. And spring also brings other, less desirable, things with it.

There I was, going about my day when I heard a knock on the door. Couldn't be one of my neighbors, I thought, they know that this is Chicky's nap time and they wouldn't dare knock on the door for fear of making my dogs bark and therefore forcing me to leave large steaming piles of poop on their lawns. Quite possibly from the dogs.

(Yes, they bark. And they steal Girl Scout cookies. I've got those suckers so well trained it's spooky.)

Couldn't be the UPS guy because I haven't ordered anything lately. But that reminds me, I really need to make that order.

Couldn't be Girl Scouts selling cookies. But a woman can dream.

Couldn't be school children selling popcorn or magazine subscriptions because they're still in school. Besides, those punks who live behind me never gave me my two dollars in change from the last ridiculously priced tub of caramel corn I bought from their sorry asses. So they wouldn't dare to try to sell me anything else.

(Feel free to insert your own "Better Off Dead" joke here.)

Who could it be?

I peaked out the window. Hmm, that's funny. No car in the driveway or in front of the house. Then an icy cold hand grabbed my heart. No, it couldn't be. Not now. It is close to Easter, but it couldn't be... God damn it!

Close. At least in their minds.

The Jehova's Witnesses. Shit. I really want to spend the little free time I have listening to someone tell me I'm going to hell. Don't they know I went to Catholic school? I support gay marriage and the right to chose, I'm already going to hell.

Now, I'm a live and let live kind of woman. I don't care what your religion is or who you care to worship: Jesus, God, Allah, Snuggle the fabric softener bear. You do what makes you happy and I'll be a God-less heathen and never the two shall meet. 'Kay? You keep your religion out my home and I'll keep my cussing out of yours. But when someone knocks on my door and tries to sell me on their way of thinking and then gives me that look that says, "Oh, you simple, simple woman. You just don't realize that your immortal soul is damned for all time and if you just gave up booze, celebrating birthdays, and roughly 60% of your pay you could go straight to heaven when the end of time comes. Which should be somewhere between 3pm today and 5,361 years from now."... You're just asking for me to be snarky.

Don't make me snarky. You wouldn't like me when I'm snarky.

So there's a man at my door - and yes I knew who he was and what his agenda was immediately, even before he thrust his pamphlet at me - and my dogs are barking and I'm thinking to myself If you caused my baby to wake up early from her nap YOU'LL HAVE MORE THAN GOD'S VENGEANCE TO WORRY ABOUT.

I gave him my best bored but smart-enough-to-know-you're-trying-to-sell-me-a-load-of-horse-shit-look and the man had the audacity to look towards where the sound of 160 pounds of dog waiting to rip his throat out was coming from and said,

"You'll have to go tell them if they don't stop barking we'll have to call ("He who speaks softly and carries a large PR firm" and no I will not mention his name here) to have them straightened out."

Oh no he didn't.

Oh yes he did.

As anyone who has been reading this blog long enough knows the quickest way to get onto my shit list is to mention "He who really needs to speak in a normal voice and stop screwing with an entire generation of dog owner's minds" without irony to me.

So I slammed the door in his face.

Okay, no I didn't, because my mama raised me better than that. But I wanted to. I just can't be that awful to someone who is trying to save my eternal soul.

But stay away from my hounds of hell. I like them that way. They're excellent judges of character. And their breath smells like Thin Mints.


Nanette said...

I am Laughing out loud right now! Thank you for your posts. I enjoy visiting your site.

I've tagged you for a musical meme. I hope you don't mind!

My large brown lab and I thank you!

Have fun!

dodo said...

grrrrr - the invasion of privacy thing has me barking too. around here the JW's peddle their wares with toddlers in buggies in tow . . .

Mrs. Schmitty said...

Hilarious post! Next time grab a bible and say, "You wouldn't mind if I go first, would you?"

Chicky said...

That was a great story to begin with, and then ya gotta mention the thin mints...Now it's over-the-top-funny imagining your dogs barking furiously, but they have really fresh breath!

Blog Antagonist said...

LOL!! Well, that's one advantage of living in the South. The Baptists kinda have the market cornered around these parts. I just have to put up with them every where else, but at least they don't appear on my doorstep. That cartoon made me lol.

k.thedoula said...

Last time "they" came to the door I just looked at them and quite blatantly said
I know I'm going to hell, I'm a member of X church of Canada... lets just not waste time here.
Closed the door and went back to unpacking.
The best though... is when they show up close to a major religious holiday..
"oh this isn't going to be about Jesus is it? I'm too busy getting ready for *Christmas, Easter ... you get the picture. Wait a moment before closing the door... the look on their faces is even better than a credit card! PRICELESS!
snickers and wonders why no one has knocked on the door lately.

Christina said...

OK, they invade your privacy, then insult your dogs and your ability to train your dogs? Slamming the door would have been just about right.

Anonymous said...

I am laughing out loud. Too funny. "They" actually avoid me (no lie), ever since I invited them in and drilled them to the high heavens. It was during my faith seeking days after I graduated with a philosophy degree in logic. After about an hour of mind numbing questions, they no longer wanted me in their club.

metro mama said...

I'm not so polite. I shut them down in about .5 seconds!

Wendy said...

I think you should remind them that dog is God spelled backwards and maybe they should heed the warning. Just a thought.

Anonymous said...

Those guys seem to frequent our neighborhood - I guess we live in the 6th circle of hell or something? When our son was a baby and I cherished his naps. I DISCONNECTED OUR FRONT DOORBELL! Oh yeh. I outsmarted them. This way our dog wouldn't bark either.

They freakin went to the back door! That means they opened the gate & entered our backyard. When I opened the door I must have had flames shooting from my ears, because they took off. That or maybe because I yelled - "Watch out for the pit bull!"

(our Cocker Spaniel at the time had a fierce growl)

EUC said...

I invite them in for a drink every time... usually a polite "come on in... I have wine, bourbon, vodka, rum, oooh and probably some long island iced tea mix and definitely lots of tequila, case you just HAVE to have tequila on hand, which drink would you like" and watch them look at me funny. When they politely refuse I usually say, then that'd be my answer to you. My most evil landlords donned the skinny black tie and short sleeved collared shirt and knocked on doors all the time.

Kyla said...

You opened the door? You get points for that. We don't even open the door. *lol*

Julie Pippert said...

Oh that's NOT RIGHT.

I believe---because a friend I trust told me this---that if you ask them to do you a service, they can't refuse.

See, they are in Service, right? And if God speaks through you and asks you to ask them to scoop the dog poop out of your back yard...well then, how could they possibly say no?

(I've had that same thing happen and I am just not that nice when someone causes my of-course-he's-well-trained dog to bark during nap time and wake her which makes me really mad.)

I'm LOL.

Anonymous said...

I'm the same way. Practice whatever religion you want...just don't come trying to sell it to me during nap time or Young & the Restless or I'll send my wood eating dog after your ass too...

Thanks for making me laugh.

OhTheJoys said...

Um... All creatures great and small much, Mr. Jehovah?

Lisa said...

THis is where you need one of those soft air pistols. Because like my husband has said, "Even God's creatures sometimes need a shot in the ass with a soft air pistol now and again." (Course my husband was talking about a neighborhood dog. But I DO beleive that it should apply to the people who disturb one's quiet time.

I SO WISHED you would have slammed the door. heeheee

Lawyer Mama said...

I live in the South and yet the Jehovah's Witnesses still come. I clearly need to get a scary dog. Of course, I haven't seen any in the neighborhood since one of them was shot last year. Yup, someone decided to rob the Jehovah's Witnesses. Apparently that works just as well as scary dogs.

Redneck Mommy said...

It's wrong of me to laugh while picturing your face when they mentioned he-who-shall-remain-unnamed, right?

That would be totally unsupportive of me, wouldn't it?


I had a pair of JW's venture out into the sticks, up my drive way, past my ENTER AT OWN RISK-BEWARE OF DOG sign and ignore the large rottweiler who likes to consider my yard his. When they knocked on the door I couldn't believe it.

I shot them down with "my son just died." That shut them up quick. Who would dare beleaguer a grieving mother?

I know, it was truly evil of me. But if there was a silver lining to my grief, I was gonna see it.

I should feel guilty, but somehow, I don't.

moosh in indy. said...

I was at a friends house when they showed up, the mom told them she believed in God, she believed He lived in the water and everytime she took a shower she felt Him run all over her naked body.
But funny.
My religion is guilty of sending out fresh faced little boys, there's reasons for it but that's hard to believe when they wake up your offspring.

Student of Life said...

As far as I'm concerned, it's justifiable homicide if a mother kills anyone who makes her dogs bark and, thus, wakes up her sleeping child. Nothing makes my blood boil worse than someone trying to sell me something (especially soul saving) during my precious, precious down time. Don't make me go Mad mama on your ass. I'll do it.

Girlplustwo said...

wow. we live in a neighborhood surrounded by door knockers. luckily, though...J is always the one home when they come by.

it's stopped lately, they've realized our unsaveability.

you, friend, crack me up.

Anonymous said...

From one heathen to another, I salute you. Next time they come tell them that you'd love to join but you'll have to check with your wife first. Trust me, they'll be too flustered to reply.

PS. I finally finished that meme you tagged me with.

The Domesticator said...

"I want my two dollars!" Heheh...
Anyway, you are a better woman than me, Mrs C. I wouldn't have even answered the door.

Mad said...

Face it, Sweet Chick, if you had trained your dogs half as well as we all like to believe you have them trained, then they'd've started humping the Jo-Hos legs long before the conversation well, er, became a conversation.

Art_Fulldodger said...

Blogger just ate my comment!

Anyway as I was saying, when the Jehovahs Nitwits come to our hood and ring the door bell, they are usually greeted by two dogs. The first dog to the door usually jumps up and hits the door with his front feet and 50 lbs of muscle following. Now, because this has happened a million or so times in the past, the latch now needs replacing. So when fastest dog (Jet, named that for a reason) hits the door, it usually flys open at light speed and connects with the face of poor unsuspecting soul standing on the porch. And that, my friends usually ends the discussion for the day. :)

mamatulip said...


I never, ever open the door. Even when they see me hiding in between my blinds and my grandfather clock. I just pretend I'm blind.

Tabba said...

Yesterday must have been National If-You're-A-Jehovah's-Witness-go-bother-some-stay-at-home-mom's-day.

Because a similar incident occurred here at our house yesterday.
I just don't even answer the door.
Even as the TV is blaring.
Even as the kids are jumping up & down half-naked in our big, front window.
Even as the kids are asking loudly:
"Mom! Who's at the door?"
Even as I'm saying: "SHHHHH!!"

Go sell crazy somewhere else. We're all stocked up here.

karengreeners said...

ohmyjehovah, you're a funny woman.

not slamming the door on them should give you a pass for lent.

wayabetty said...

You go girl! Nobody interrupts our naps, and I mean not just my daughter's but mine too. I sprinted to the window so fast when I saw these two guys from "Horizon Food" coming toward the door to tell them that I'm not interested and that my daughter is napping, damn it!

Kelly said...

'Tis why I didn't answer the door yesterday when someone knocked really really loudly. I saw the car, saw the people going door to door, and though I usually welcome talking to any adults, I said, screw it!

Cathy said...

LOL.. damn now I know why my 5lb Yorkie wasn't effective. They had already been to your house with the hounds of hell on their heels.

I posted about these pesky asses not long ago too. They made a habit of coming to my door every Saturday morning. I finally turned my three children loose on them and we haven't seen them since.

It might have been something my 6 yr old daughter read aloud from their pamphlet as they doomed us to the pits of hell.. something about the whore being upon us. :D

Anonymous said...

I can't think of anything better than replacing dog breath with thin mint freshness- you are on to something!

Mama en Fuego said...

I'd have slipped some thin mints in the JW's pockets then let the dogs loose.


Jacquie said...

I will never forget when they come knockin on the door after my Grandmother died. They started spewing stuff to my Mom, which well I must say went over like a lead balloon. She went off I tell ya like no one probably ever has. It was always fun to watch them show up after and for some reason they avoided our house like the plague??

ShannanB said...

Too funny. I always feel so guilty when they stop by. I know they are just practicing their faith and I hate to hurt anyone's feelings.....

megachick said...

my friend uses the '...if i can share _my_ religion with you: i'm a satanist" tactic. they don't hang around long.

love the thin mint doggy breath.

Anonymous said...

The owner's of the company I work for are JW's and they're millionaires. It's really strange because they donate so much money to their congregation (we're talking hundreds of thousands of dollars), but yet I make a small salary.

Maybe if I joined their cult they'd pay me more? What do you think? ;)

Nancy R said...

I have a front door AND a storm door. I will open the front door and stand there behind the storm door. They will assume I'm about to open the storm door and reach out to grab the handle...only to realize I'm not opening the door. Then, I smile politely while shaking my head 'no' and quietly close the front door.

HA! I feel SO DAMN SUPERIOR doing that!

Bones said...

There is no better way to deal with a jehovahs witness or mormon than answering the door naked. If a guy does it, it sends them uncomfortably away. If a woman does it, it forces the door-to-door prostheletyzer to examine their own temptation because they wont be able to help but stare.

Maybe they need to make a show called the jehovoa's wisperer.

soccer mom in denial said...

Believe your own religion and I won't cuss in your house. I loved that one!

A benefit to living on a state highway, NO ONE comes by.

kittenpie said...

Oh no he didn't! Like it's not rude enoguh to bug you about something as personal as religion and belief, but to tell you how to manage your dogs in your own damn home is just too much. I would have slammed the door.

Debbie said...

dude! they showed up at my door a few days ago, too! auuuuughhhh! I was ridiculously rude. and I considered blogging about it, but I'm glad now that I didn't. because, hi. you did, and it kicks my would-be post's ass square in the center.

(aren't they icky?)

Sandra said...

Oh NO he didn't.

My mom used to be really mean when they'd come to the door and say all kinds of things to get them riled up.

I just hide and don't answer.

Ruth Dynamite said...

It took me a minute to figure out whose name he uttered - I did, but I won't psst psst it out loud.

You are too damn funny, lady.

Julie said...

Avalon sent me over. You are hysterical! I have my own JW encounter. When living next door to my niece in Denver the JW knocked on my door. Said I wasn't interested and told them not to bother my sister next door. Slammed the door and took off our back door to my niece's house, raced in her back door, told her "shush," and waited for the doorbell to ring. Swung the door open and said, not interested. The look on their faces was priceless! They never came back.