Friday, February 03, 2006

A shell of my former self

My brain is not working in an effective manner. I can do the mundane, day to day things that take little more than turning on my internal auto-pilot to get them done - making the bed, feeding the Child, vacuuming the floor. But please don't ask me to do something that takes actual thought to reach completion. That includes writing this blog. I'm blocked. Hopelessly, utterly blocked. I've started at least 5 different posts but I have not been able to get through one of them. You should thank me for not wasting your time, because they sucked.

I think my mind has officially turned to mush.

I used to be a functioning, contributing member of society. I held a job where people not only asked me for my opinion, but actually put my advice to use with positive outcomes. There were projects with results and then more projects with more results. And lunches! Remember lunches? At restaurants? With people? Who held conversations with real words? I used to be able to walk into a restaurant without having to worry in advance whether or not they had an infant high chair. And please don't get me started with the memories of going out after work for drinks with colleagues.

Okay, I'm getting off topic.

Now I feed the Child and change the Child, vacuum the floor, load and unload the dishwasher, make the bed, do the laundry, take the dog's toys out of the Child's mouth and take the Child's toys out of the dog's mouth. I do this all without thinking. And I'm getting very, very bored just writing about it.

My apologies, dear Reader.

This is my point - I don't have to do much on a daily basis that requires much creative thought. The reason why other parents tell you to get your baby on a schedule is because it helps you establish a routine that will help you get through the day so that you won't have to be constantly creative. It makes your life EASIER. Easier does not always equal exciting. With the toddler years fast approaching I know I'm going to want to beat myself over the head with my laptop for even writing those words.

Please don't misunderstand the reasoning behind this post. I love my girl with a force that could move mountains. I'm thankful for the opportunity to stay home with her and focus what little energy I have these days on caring for her and raising her. I can take care of my home and the Hubby, where before, when I was working more than full time, I let a lot of things slide. Like sanitary conditions in the kitchen. And dust bunnies that were so big they really should have been called dust llamas. I'm very rarely embarrassed at the state of my home if friends or family stop by unannounced.

I'm hoping that by purging these thoughts I can get back some of the old me, the Me before the Child was even conceived. The Me who didn't always function in survival mode. I'd like to get back a little of the person who had creative thoughts on a daily basis.

With that all said there's always finger painting to look forward to.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Have I told you lately how much I love you? I'm sure that I have, but it never hurts to say it again and again and again. You may not always feel like yourself, but I want you to know that you are still the beautiful, kind, generous, stubborn, loving, perfectionist that I fell in love with practically on site nearly seven years ago. You are doing a fantastic job, each and every day, caring for our beautiful, though at times difficult, little bundle of joy. Julia is lucky to have a mother like you and someday even she will understand the loving home that we have created for her. I know that the monotony of your day can, at times, drive you a little bit closer to insanity and I want you to know that I will do my best, each and every day, to be a little bit better husband, better father, better companion. Don’t worry baby … were going to get through this parenthood thing together with flying colors … one poopy diaper at a time. I guarantee it. hugs, kisses, etc :)