Monday, November 12, 2007

Keeping my eyes on the prize

You might have already been able to tell from one of my last posts but I've been having a tough time lately. It went beyond feeling sick and straight to my own personal depression-like hell. Being cooped up in the house for weeks on end will do that to even the toughest nut. And let me tell you on a good day I am as tough as I am nutty. On a bad day I'm just pathetic.

I had to cancel the last class I was teaching last Monday so I can officially no longer work. It was a class I was already three weeks into. I felt like I was letting all my students down but I just could not give them my all. Hell, I could barely make it to class and once I was there I couldn't finish the whole hour. My weight loss to date is around 15 pounds and that's left me incredibly weak and light-headed. Not to mention, with my tiny bump, looking like one of those kids that Sally Struthers was always trying to feed.

However, I've had a string of fairly decent moments over the past few days and I'm feeling a bit stronger than I did when I told the world that I really needed my mommy. And for the record, I'm not ashamed of that.

I don't know if it's because I've been less pukey, or because I've gotten out of the house at least once...

(To buy this book that features a short story by my close and personal friend - and my latest stalking target - Bossy. Da shit made me laugh, y'all. That's got to tell you something)

...or because I was able to eat a hot dog yesterday without needing to purge it. At any rate, I'm feeling more hopeful that I will get through these dark days to see the light at the end of this vomitous tunnel.

(Stretch marks! Heartburn! Maternity yoga pants! Unfortunate and unexpected flatulence in public!)

I know one thing for certain, however. I got a kick in the ass by way of a comment by the perceptive Jenifer and it was just what I needed.

Jenifer pretty much told me to suck it up and stop feeling sorry for myself because there are so many other women out there who would kill to be in my slightly rancid smelling shoes. But she told me this in the nicest way possible.

I was wondering when someone was going to finally call me out for being such an insensitive, whiny little shit.

I know, of course, that so many women who desperately want children of their own can't. I have close friends who have jumped through every medical hoop possible to have a baby of their own. I have spoken or emailed with other bloggers who I know for a fact would willingly change places with me, vomiting be damned. Women who have considered putting their own lives in jeopardy again just to have another child. I know all of this, but it's easy to forget when you're so wrapped up with worrying if your lack of eating will force a miscarriage or in some way irreparably harm your unborn child.

And by "you" I mean me.

Yes, I get pregnant easily and yes, unfortunately, I have an incredibly hard time throughout my pregnancies. I will not feel bad for bemoaning my own situation but it's time to acknowledge that others have it pretty hard off too. So, to you ladies out there who have occasionally felt like thrusting my head deeply into that toilet I spend so much time over, my heart goes out to you. If I could give you my uterus, I would.

I know one blogger who is going to hate that last line but I say it with in all seriousness. If it were possible to do a uterus transplant, my friend, you could have mine. So don't hate me too much.

33 comments:

moosh in indy. said...

I AM THE BITCHIEST PREGNANT WOMAN EVER.
EVER.
I complain until I have to complain there's nothing left to complain about.
And no, I don't want to vomit because I ate a lot of pesto for dinner and, well, ew.
Plus, if I were knocked up now it would mean no BlogHer next year.
SO THERE.

moosh in indy. said...

I heart you.

PunditMom said...

We don't hate you. We just want you to feel better. Soon. :)

flutter said...

sorry, still stuck on the rancid shoes....
(kidding)

jen said...

now here's the girl i know and love. hi, girl i know and love.

now go eat something.

Sunshine said...

I miscarried my first, then fertility drugs with my oldest son. And, uh, we never found the "off" switch and were crazy fertile after that. So, I remember feeling jealous for awhile there when I'd lost a baby and felt like everyone in the universe was pregnant and then went on to have four babies (only the first one didn't have me sick as a dog) and having three kind of suckass pregnancies. And it does kind of remind you, those feelings I had when I wondered if we were going to be one of those couples who struggles with infertility and how painful that is, it made it hard to be pissed about vomit later.
I'm not one to wear a shirt that says "morning sickness rocks!" but I knew it was all for something wonderful in the end.
Bitching about stuff is fine, you wouldn't be normal if you didn't bitch - pregnancy is not a cake walk, bitch all you want, you've got perspective in spades.

kgirl said...

glad you're feeling a little better. unexpected and unfortunate public flatulation, here you come!

(happens to the best of us.)

kgirl said...

flatulation?

Alex Elliot said...

I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better! We're all entitled to our own feelings about what we experience in life.

mel from freak parade said...

There isn't some sliding scale for things that suck. What you are dealing with, is what you are dealing with, and you are entitled to your feelings. The vomiting, the fatigue, the hormones (exacerbated by low blood sugar), the worry.....Just because you are able to get pregnant while others struggle with that, does not diminish the fact that what you are dealing with, does in fact, suck.

I learned this important life lesson from a very wise friend, who, mere weeks after his father died from a brain tumor, was asking me how I was doing after my miscarriage. When I said I had no right to complain to him, with all that he was dealing with, he informed me that what is on your plate, is what is on your plate. Your feelings are not based on the experiences of others.

Whine as needed.

~JJ! said...

This IS your place to vent...

Hugs.

Julie Pippert said...

SO GLAD you are feeling better.

As someone who not too long ago would have---and did---seriously jeopardized myself just to be PG no matter what hardship I had to take on, I understand the feeling, and I'm glad you took it in a good spirit, but I have this rule about not comparing pain or making other people's situations my own, KWIM?

You have felt bad. Of course you needed to talk about that.

But I am glad you aren't ashamed and glad you feel better.

Julie
Using My Words

Avalon said...

See, this is where I don't get something. If it's your Blog, your pregnancy, your difficulty, why shouldn't it be your perogative to state what and how you feel? I DO NOT consider that whining. If it makes someone else unhappy, there are plenty of other Blogs to choose from. Tell them to find one.

Kyla said...

Hey you, I'm glad you are feeling the tiniest bit better. Early pregnancy with KayTar was just hell (that one keeps me on my toes, doesn't she?) and on my BIRTHDAY that year, it finally let up. It is still the best gift, I've ever gotten. LOL.

Oh, The Joys said...

You are welcome to complain to me anytime. ANY TIME.

I love you long time. Heh.

Heather said...

I've been at both ends of the spectrum, jealous of pregnant women when I was having trouble conceiving and complaining about feeling terrible now that I am pregnant.

Hey, we feel what we feel.

My word verification was zyboyi

does that mean I'm having a boy or you are?

Jen M. said...

Every woman's pregnancy is a story unique to her.

Rachel said...

Bless your sweet heart.
I had a textbook picture perfect pregnancy with the princess, complete with 60 pound weight gain.
With the monkey, I lost 18 pounds and was hospitalized because I couldn't keep water down. I was smaller pregnant with him, than before pregnant.
Every pregnancy is unique, every struggle is unique... just because you are one of the blessed who can get pregnant and does so easily does not mean that your struggle is any less important. It's yours, it is your crisis, your heartache, your pain and your struggle. Own it and let it change you, let it make you a better woman for what you have gone through. Give love and support to those who would kill to be in your shoes because that's all you can do. Experience your pregnancy and cherish every second because it will be over before you know it and then will come the really hard part (LOL) the CHILD!!!

Blog Antagonist said...

You know what? We all have our own pain and disappointment to bear in life. Yours does not negate the validity of yours and vice versa. Your heartbreak is not more important than mine, and vice versa.

Being sick all the time SUCKS. Period and you have nothing to apologize for.

I'm so glad you're feeling a weensy bit better. Let's hope that's a trend that continues!

Jozet said...

You know what? I know that this isn't what was suggested in the comment - which I can see was meant to be a motivational tickle to push you trough the next few weeks or so - but I think I'm now reading a sort of subtext in which you are now feeling a bit bad for talking about feeling so bad. Yes? No?

If yes, read on. If no, ignore and skip to next comment.

I know that there are all sorts of people out there with worse conditions than my own. Which some might go so far as to suggest would give me no "right" to complain about, oh, children wanting to eat off my plate (eh-hem) or the price of gas (because at least I have a car) or my gangrenous toe (because at least I have a leg) or my friend's father who recently and unexpectedly died (because at least her entire family wasn't machete-ed to death in a civil war). Etc. Etc. Etc.

But, I think it's possible to complain and vent and even get a little depressed, and at the same time, still hold deep and sincere empathy and sympathy for those who have it worse, as well as a gratitude for what we have. Humans are beautifully complex and layered that way.

Everyone needs their mother at some time. And compassion, like love, is boundless. You can accept my compassion for your situation, and truly, I have plenty more to give to others who are in other tough situations, and I am not under the impression that by my giving you compassion, I will be spinning you into a depth of chronic generalized ingratitude for all of life's joys.

So, go ahead and complain all you want. Being sick is being sick. In any other situation, getting sick is a message to every neuron in your body that this is something bad happening or has happened. Intellectually, yes, you know that there is a baby at then end of this illness, but ten-billion neurons (or however many there are) are still tough to convince to brighten-up on an hour-to-hour basis. And now, perhaps, is not the best time to begin studying Zen Buddhism.

If that's what you need to get through the rough days, then by all means, use that thought. But please, please, please, don't let yourself feel guilty about feeling down.

In my book, you've paid-it-forward enough in this blog alone to cash in a few vents about puking non-stop. Much love, and...did you say you wanted a ginger-ale? No? ;-)

Emma Sometimes said...

Oh, I so feel for you. You have every right to feel the way you do because you have hormones cursing through you and I really don't want to anger you. hahaha.

I've had four and puked my way through each and every pregnancy. It took years to not look at a plate of food deciding what food wouldn't make me wretch too hard and end up peeing my up-around-my-armpits pregnancy pants.

I wouldn't mention this but I can empathize and you're probably ready to try anything that will help...

Acupressure worked at times when I was in public and didn't want to stop on the sidewalk and puke into a drain. (Cause we all know that is so ladylike.)

be well, chicka

AnotherMomCreation said...

I do hope that things continue to look up for you and that you start gaining your necessary weight.

Thanks for posting this....

mothergoosemouse said...

Personally, I whine for days if I throw up once, let alone doing it day in and day out.

motherbumper said...

Dude, your title says it all... and dang, everyone needs to vent or cry out - or else we'd all explode. And that is not a good thing. Consider us all your therapist. BTW - my bill is in the mail.

BOSSY said...

Ack - it's not too terrible to wallow; to feel yourself in a bad spell. We talk ourselves into too much shit sometimes. It doesn't make you awful for not sucking it up. Bossy loves you warts and all. (You don't actually, like, have warts though, right?)

FENICLE said...

No hate here...only love & well wishes!!! We all have our personal hells. Yours is throwing up right now :)

The Estrogen Files said...

Like I read on another blog today "It's my blog and I can bitch if I want to!"

Hope you're feeling better, Sally Struthers aside.

Major Bedhead said...

It's like people telling you there are starving people in China. Yes, there are. But just because someone else has it worse than you doesn't mean you can't complain. It doesn't make your complaints any less valid. I can't stand it when people say "You shouldn't complain, others would give anything to be in your shoes." I can see saying that if you're bitching that your manicure didn't come out perfectly but you're not. Not even close.

Fifteen pounds? Really? Ouch.

Redneck Mommy said...

Public farting eh?

I KNEW I loved you for a reason.

You make me look classy. And that, my friend, is a gift.

Take care. And by that I mean try not to puke on the dogs, the kid or the bed. Cuz it would be way gross to have to clean that mess up.

MamaLee said...

Feel better soon, chickypoo. Just don't puke in my house - I got too much POOP to clean up!

xoxo

Lawyer Mama said...

Didn't Casey cite Velveteen Mind's post on the hierarchy of suffering? You're entitled to bitch on your blog.

I have/had a really hard time getting pregnant. And staying pregnant. And there were other complications. But by far the worst thing for me was the constant puking. It's hard to gain perspective about, well, anything when you just. want. it. to. stop. already.

And damnit! Please don't say a little thing like a newborn will keep you from BlogHer!

Ruth Dynamite said...

It's all relative, but you can whine all you like. You'll also get through it all and we'll all be here cheering you on. In a couple weeks, with hope, you'll be like, "Nausea? What nausea?"

Jenifer said...

Chicky...

I'm glad to see you weren't offended by what I said... I was hoping you wouldn't be.

I can see why you are so worried, I would be too, and I am sure I would be bemoaning my situation just as much, I just wanted to point out how lucky you really are and how it will all be worth it when you hold that little one in your arms...

So cheers to unexpected flatulence in public, and if we run into each other, you can blame it on me :)