A glimpse into the mind of a dieting woman

7am - Woman wakes to the sound of her child singing to herself. Can't quite make out the song because last night's sex dream is still fogging her mind. She fights to hold on to it because it was that good.

Mmmm, Tyler Florence.

Wait. Does the TV chef turn her on or is she excited by the thought of a man with access to that much food?

Eh. Either way...

7:15 - Mmm... Tyler. That feels good. I like the way you're slowly working your way up my thigh. Oooh, the rubbing, the caressing...

Okay, was that my thigh or a leg of lamb?

Eh. Either way... Come to Mama.

7:30am - The singing coming from her daughter's room is getting louder, waking the woman from her sexy dream. The woman finally realizes what her daughter has been singing to herself. Baa Baa Black Sheep. She decides the moment is ruined and gets out of bed.

7:31am - The woman rubs her eyes and considers stretching. You know, to get the old blood pumping. She reaches down to touch her toes and comes face to face - okay, not really, she hasn't stretched in a while - with her unpedicured feet. And look at all the dirty clothes in need of washing. She gives up on stretching and heads upstairs to get her kid. Walking up fifteen steps is exercise, right?

7:45 - Her child now situated in her high chair, the woman heads to the pantry to get her some Cheerios. The Cheerios are right next to a package of mint Oreos.

She thinks, I want a cookie.

She grabs the cereal box and quickly shuts the pantry door.

7:46 - I want a cookie.

7:47 - I'll eat the rest of Chicky's banana.

7:49 - I want a cookie.

7:50 - I'll make some coffee. That's an appetite suppressant.

7:52 - I want a cookie.

7:55 - Mama! Woffee! Mama!

Thanks, hon, you're a peach.

Mmmm, peach flambes with french vanilla ice cream.

7:56 - The coffee is poured. The woman considers adding milk to it, or even taking it black, then decides to add just a little half and half to her coffee. Really, just a little. It won't even be like half and half. More like one sixteenth/one sixteenth.

8am - She tries not to think about how good a donut would taste with her coffee.

8:05 - I want a donut.

8:10 - The woman checks her bloglines, which has at least 10 cooking blogs.

8:15 - I want cheesecake.

9am - Drinks more coffee. She might be up to one fourth/one fourth by now but decides not to be too considered because she's about to work out.

10am - Heads upstairs with kid in tow to work out on the eliptical machine, or as she refers to it, that goddamned dust collector.

10:10 - I hate the eliptical machine.

10:12 - I fucking hate the eliptical machine.

10:14 - I fucking hate the fucking eliptical machine. Fuck.

10:15 - I want a cookie.

10:30 - That's enough of that. Now it's time to do some crunches.

10:40 - Still lying on the floor.

10:42 - Number of crunches done - 0. Number of times she wanted to beat Elmo to death with a stick and eat his little, red monster flesh - 5.

10:45 - Woman wonders to herself how many crunches one would have to do to get a hernia.

10:46 - She decides fifteen.

11am - Still lying on floor.

11:10 - Floor - 1, Woman - 0. Number of crunches done - I lost count after 22, but I think somewhere in the vicinity of... 23.

11:20 - Lunch!

11:30 - Wow. These carrot sticks are pretty tasty. They'd be even more tasty if they were dipped in CHOCOLATE COOKIES.

11:45 - Naptime for Chicky. I could vacuum. That would burn some calories. Nah. I wonder what's on television?

11:46 - Must stay away from the Food Network.

11:47 - Ooh! Tyler Florence. Oh happy day.

11:50 - This is sexy. I'm getting all hot. Look at the way he's handling that pot roast.

12 noon - The Food Network - Porn for Bored Housewives. The Food Network should totally hire me for their ad campaigns.

12:15 - I want a cookie. Dipped in Tyler Florence. With a side of pot roast.

The rest of the day goes the same until that evening, while sitting on her couch watching Dancing with the Stars (Wow, look at those abs. Wow, her dress looks like frosting.) and drinking white wine (Because as you know white wine has far fewer calories. It's, like, having negative calories. Yeah.), the woman finally gives in and has a cookie.

Okay, two cookies.

Fine, three cookies.

Alright, six cookies. Are you happy? Remember, negative calories.

The woman, covered in cookie crumbs from her Oreo orgy heads off to bed and hopes that this night's dreams will involve Tyler Florence and a chocolate cake. Or maybe just the cake.

Either way, it's a win/win situation.

'Cause Mama's hungry for you baby.