Thursday, April 05, 2007

Humiliation, thy name is "Mall"

I've just returned from a trip to The Mall.

I hate The Mall.

I hate the mall with a fiery passion that rivals the heat of 10 million suns. Or is it the heat of 10 million sunless tanning beds?

I'm tired. I'm cranky. I just found a new zit on my chin. My hair is a static-y mess from pulling my sweater off and on in arid dressing rooms. And I'm hungry. I'm hungry because I decided to skip the food court to get Chicky back home in time for a late nap. But will I eat? Hell no. I just saw myself half naked in the fluorescent glare of a full length Banana Republic mirror.

(I guess I'll be jumping on the ol' elliptical trainer this evening. Someone please put me out of my misery.)

I hate the mall. The mall is a 21 year old girl with perfect highlights, high heels and perky boobs. She doesn't have Cheerios stuffed into her jacket pocket or graham cracker crumbs stuck to her sweater. She can try on a pair of pants without worrying if the material will stretch oddly over her saddle bags or if it will create an even larger muffin top. She doesn't cringe when she sees what the harsh lights do to the cellulite on her legs or the bags under her eyes. She doesn't stand in front of the mirror - while her toddler runs around behind her wielding a clothes hanger like a weapon - pulling the skin of her face back towards her hairline, trying to create the illusion of her younger self...

Not that I would do that either. I'm just saying...

Yeah.

I hate the mall. And because of one innocent trip to find myself some weather appropriate clothing (which is a joke in and of itself since it SNOWED last night) I'm now feeling really, really sorry for myself.

And I would like to go bury my sorrows in a pint of Ben and Jerry's, but I can't. Because I just saw my half naked body in a Banana Republic mirror.

I think I'll take a nap instead. You know, so I won't feel myself starving.

50 comments:

Pendullum said...

I ate the mall... any mall... and I NEVER EVER try clothes on in a store...
I findit best to be in the comforts of my own home when trying on clothes...
And guess who spends way too much time taking things back???? So,i buy clothes on a bluemoon...

In the Trenches of Mommyhood said...

I'm with you! Ack. The trendiness, the skinny teenagers bouncing around, the awful styles these days, the lighting, the mirrors, the annoying salesclerks...I should be a cantankerous hermit with 60 cats.

petite gourmand said...

what adds insult to injury is when the sales staff at Banana Republic refer to you as "ma'am"
"can I get that for you in a larger size ma'am?"
gee thanks.

I hate malls too.

Blog Antagonist said...

Oh...I hear you. Torture, pure torture. Add to that the TRAFFIC around our mall, and you have yourself the 7th circle of hell. I don't go. Ever. I'd rather pay shipping to have items from the few stores there I really like sent to me than go there.

Have a glass of wine. You deserve it.

aimee / greeblemonkey said...

The building itself is usually pretty nice to me - it's all the idiots who work there and the people who shop there that annoy me.

aimee / greeblemonkey said...

;)

metro mama said...

I loathe the mall too.

PunditMom said...

Oh, man. Sorry about the mall. Those lights, those three-way mirrors, ARGH!

Tater and Tot said...

At least the Mu-sack is good.

No?

crazymumma said...

ahhh Mall letdown depression. Nothing quite like it. Hope your nap makes you feel better.

PS the lights in those dressing rooms are brutal, and Banana Republic's sizing is cruel and unusual.

jen said...

i hate the mall. i haven't been in one in years.

but those mirrors at target are a bitch too. mine at home..the same.

bastards, all of them.

Mamma said...

Damn perfect, perky, pretty girls!

Mimi said...

It certainly is a different experience post-baby and with a toddler that's for sure!

I used to love it. Now, I hate it and only go when it's raining and the kids need to run around and burn off energy in the soft play areas (which I also hate), but it gives them something to do!

Fairly Odd Mother said...

I feel your pain. The last time I went into the mall, I was looking for a cute little key chain I knew was at Hot Topic. It was only a few moments before I realized I was the biggest DORK in the store in my turtleneck sweater, cords and three kids in tow. I'm surprised they didn't try to stab me to death with their tongue piercings. Sigh, getting old is a tough thing in this youthful world.

radioactive girl said...

Which is why I only do online shopping for myself. You get to try on the clothes with no fear of anyone seeing or judging. I just ordered some new shorts today, not that I will be needing them any time soon if it stays cold like today!

Velma said...

Oh, yes. I hate the mall, but for me, it's the kiosks and carts in the middle with the overly aggressive salespeople trying to sell me yet more CRAP no one needs.

MotherBumper said...

It's really just not worth the trip.

Lawyer Mama said...

You'd think they could come up with some slightly more flattering light in those dressing rooms, but noooooo!

I too hate all those kiosks with the pushy people in the middle. Even if you don't make eye contact they come after you. I hate it!

Redneck Mommy said...

What is this mall thing that you speak of?

Because out here in the sticks, I just shop online.

It is much safer. For everyone.

No one needs to see my saddlebags but me.

And I certainly don't need to be reminded of what middleage and three children did to my body.

Redneck Mommy said...

What is this mall thing that you speak of?

Because out here in the sticks, I just shop online.

It is much safer. For everyone.

No one needs to see my saddlebags but me.

And I certainly don't need to be reminded of what middleage and three children did to my body.

Redneck Mommy said...

oops. Apparently, I really believe in what I say, as I like to post it so often!

Sorry about that!

Kyla said...

Do you know what makes it worse? Being "mall-aged" (23) and still having your exact experience. I wouldn't trade these kiddos for anything (even a pair of jeans that fits *lol*), or change the age I chose have them at...but the mall likes to rub it in. *lol*

moosh in indy. said...

I only shop at H&M anymore, they have ambient lighting and tilted mirrors. The employees are all little skinny bitches, but the dressing rooms are kind.

Emily Snipes said...

Trust me it's the lights & mirrors in those dressing rooms! Damn Edison!

Oh, The Joys said...

The mall stinks.

May I recommend the thrift store? (It also stinks - but in a more literal way.) Still... cheap clothes that can be washed... (I'm so cheap.)

Jennifer said...

Two words...Online Shopping.

The mall sucks!

Mad Hatter said...

I have a policy of never looking at my half-naked body anymore. I close my eyes and only permit myself to see my body from 3 years ago. The delusion is good for all parties concerned.

Lisa Fine Goldstein/Kelly Kelly said...

If it weren't for OldNavy.com I'd be naked. Down with The Mall!

Lisa

Jill Urbane, The Mentor Mom said...

I am with you on this one sista! The only place I go in the mall is Williams-Sonoma, Starbucks or the play area...none of which have mirrors:)

Dana said...

There is nothing worse for me, than trying on clothes in the mall -- the place where nothing fits right, nothing looks good on me, and I can see every awful flaw that exists on my body. I dread it.

I'd rather have my toenails pulled off one by one with a pair of pliers. Seriously.

I feel your pain!

flutter said...

ok ok ok ok ok! So yeah, I was at the mall, getting my contact lens perscription and some how I came home with a pair of Jessica Simpson shoes. What?!
I love having an inferiority complex that requires me to buy shoes at the mall because my butt is too big for any of the pants.

Julie Pippert said...

Oh AMEN!

Mall. Hate. it.

I feel for you. I feel with you.

Perfect desciption of the mall, by the way. If you stitch it on a sampler, I will buy it from you for my living room.

something blue said...

I hate shopping but I buy tons of outfits at the mall. I rack up the credit card by purchasing all kinds of cute clothes in size 2 and 4. (yah for my girls)

creative-type dad said...

See, the men have always hated the mall.
The only good thing is the trusty Hot Dog On A Stick.

Other than that...it's no place for me.

sweatpantsmom said...

Oh I hate the mall, too. Nothing makes you feel more out of shape, out of style and out of money.

Then, there's the Cinnabon stand on the way out.

Wait - I LOVE THE MALL.

Kelly said...

That's why there are some stores that I hate (Gap, Old Navy, Victoria's Secret) that seem to have mirrors hell-bent on making you feel like the fattest, lumpiest thing on the planet.

Oh, to be 20 again...

Pattie said...

You crack me up. I am right there with you...let's not forget how those nice, flourescent bulbs make us look just that much more "lovely"....in those fun house mall mirrors.

TSM-terrifically superiorily mediocre said...

I they're all in kahoots. This is why there is a McD0nald's next to every Wally Mart-because they know we'll see ourselves buying size 18, feel bad and drown our sorrows in a Big Mac and fries. Thus the vicious cycle begins. At like at 10. Whenever it is that they start fitting into the Mary Kate and Ashley clothes.

julia said...

I have to go shopping for spring clothes soon and I am dreading it. Maybe I should get drunk first....

cape buffalo said...

Oh, sweetie, you went to Natick, didn't you? I f-ing HATE Natick ever since she borrowed my favorite sweater and ruined it and then totally LIED about it, and I totally know she did because my firend's friend totally saw her wearing it and them IM'd my boyfriend- and SERIOULSY! what the hell was she doing IMing MY boyfriend?!?! And the only reason she's skinny? Bulimic. Stupid whore, that Natick. I hate her.

But we totally might make up if she gets a Nordstrom.

NKYGAL said...

I hate the mall(s) too!Everytime I go I am reminded how barely in style (minute amounts) my clothes are and how unyoung I am.

mothergoosemouse said...

Liar. You're eating a Cadbury Cream Egg. And I've got a Reese's Peanut Butter Egg in my mouth, washing it down with a glass of Chardonnay.

(Can you tell that I've recently seen my own cellulite in a dressing room?)

Alex Elliot said...

I'm not a huge fan of the mall either. Unfortunately our mall (Solomon Pond) got rid of Ben and Jerry's so that's not even an option:)

Kimberly said...

"The mall is a 21 year old girl with perfect highlights, high heels and perky boobs."<---- HA! I have been trying to figure out for the last 4 years why I can no longer stand going to the mall and you just nailed it.

wayabetty said...

Rock on sista! How do you think I feel with this gigantic beach ball I'm carrying around while limping with sciatica.

Actually I have to go to the mall to return some things that my daughter got for her b-day and that was in March! My sisters and Mom do the shopping for me and the best part is they have to return the merchandise if I don't like it. They are my personal shoppers!

Kerry said...

Hey I'm with you. Not only do I hate the mall, I hate all the traffic anywhere near it. I stay as far away as possible...unless I need something I can only get at the mall, then I gear up, get myself ready for a fight and drive over there, getting more anxious by the minute. Have I mentioned that I hate the mall?

kittenpie said...

Oh god, WHY do they do that with the unflattering overhead lights? I always think, "Don't you want people to think they look good so they'll buy the clothes?" Creating shadows where there are not naturally shadows IS NOT HELPFUL!

Jill said...

I'm with you too. Hate hate hate the mall.

Mrs. Chicken said...

Dude, yes. I fell off the Weight Watchers wagon with the world's biggest THUMP this week.

And just in time for swinsuit season.

Yay.

Sindy said...

I am right with Mrs. Chicken! I was off the wagon for a few months and now I am hating myself for it!

I couldn't have said it better myself! Great post!