Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Where I implore a multi-million dollar company to stop scaring the living shibbit out of me

Dear Sony Pictures - Movie Division,

This is not the type of letter I usually write but I have to ask, nay, beg you to stop playing the trailer for The Messengers during the day.

Why should you stop promoting this guaranteed money maker during daylight hours? I'll tell you. Imagine, if you will, there is this suburban housewife - it's not hard, there are a lot of us out there. As a matter of fact, imagine me 10 pounds lighter and naturally blond. With perkier boobs - and try to picture said housewife going about her business, just dusting her living room while watching I Love New York on VH1.

A show, I might add, that she only gets to watch while her toddler is napping, because as much as the housewife loves a good trainwreck she is unwilling to expose her child to this trash because New York's new yabbos might just pop through the screen and knock the unsuspecting toddler unconscious. Seriously. WTF is up with those things? But I digress.

So our heroine, the housewife, is dusting the living room and while clearing the television of peanut butter finger prints and dog hair, her face this close to the screen, your trailer for The Messengers comes on. At first the housewife is interested. Aw, what a cute little boy, she thinks. Paranormal phenomenon, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ooh, Dylan McDermott. He's yummy. Hmm, old farmhouse. Interesting. That spot on the wall is never going to come clea... Oh My God! What the hell was that!! Ahhh! Stop it. Stop with the scary shit. Shit! What the hell was that thing that just crawled across the screen?! What just grabbed that pretty girl?! Okay, cute little boy again, everything is going to be fin... Jeezus! Scary faces! Scaaary faaaaccesssss!!

A person should not be that close to her fear at 1:17pm on a Tuesday. I'm now afraid to make my bed for fear of catching a glimpse of demon pre-schooler legs while fluffing the blankets. If you're going to produce a horror movie stick to the time honored themes: Escaped mental patients, guys in hockey masks, over-developed teenage girls getting busy with horny boys in the back of AMC Ramblers while jealous psychopathic cheerleaders lurk in the bushes, waiting to decapitate them with field hockey sticks. I'm used to that stuff. But please, leave the children alone. My heart can't take it. I don't need to know "that children are highly susceptible to paranormal phenomena". Now every time my child babbles in her sleep I'll be worried that, yes, in fact she is speaking in tongues. (I knew it! She is possessed.)

Please, Sony Pictures, don't make me beg. I'm not asking you to stop playing the trailer entirely, just not when I'm most likely to be alone. With nothing but a dust rag to hide my eyes. Do you know what it feels like to get Pledge-coated cat hair in your cornea? I can tell you, it doesn't tickle.

Play the trailer at night, I'm totally okay with that. Because it scares the bejeebus out of my husband. And scared husband = high comedy.

I thank you in advance for your consideration in this matter. Oh, and for Catch and Release. I love a good chick flick. But you probably already knew that, didn't you?

Sincerely,

Mrs. T. Chicky (she of the naturally blond hair and perky boobs)


p.s. BOO! Aha, got you, didn't I? Weren't expecting that, were you? Payback, suckas.




46 comments:

Lara said...

i wish i had something more interesting to say, but all i got is HA! you crack me up, naturally blond perky-boobed lady.

Karly said...

OHMIGOD. I second that. Can we get a petition goin' around? I hate scary kids. HATE THEM. How do these movie people expect me to take care of my own children when they do crap like that??

scribbit said...

Nice to be warned. Scary kids? I get enough of that as it is without Hollywood's version. :)

IAI said...

I haven't seen it. Probably b/c when it comes on and I get the creep vibe, I change the channel. KAATN does, too.
We're both scared shitless of things we can't shoot.
I clicked on the site and atarted to watch the trailer but then had to turn it off.

I finally saw The Exorcist when I was 23 ... and slept for a week with the light on.

Rosemary's Baby - I was 28. Slept with the light on and a gun under my pillow.

Caught 1/2 of The Omen and stayed up for a week with my finger on the trigger.

No way in hell could I tolerate The Messengers. No way.

bubandpie said...

THANK YOU!

That trailer was on last night, with that line, "Children can sense it..." and hubby said, a few seconds later, "It really doesn't seem right that the children are sensing this stuff."

That commercial needs to be banned. The only comfort is that at least they're not showing trailers for The Predator anymore.

Oh, The Joys said...

I haven't been the same since Children of the Corn. Little f*ckers.

That Chick Over There said...

You are the wind beneath my wings.

MotherBumper said...

Sweet momo I'm with you on this one - those little legs are enough to make me not want to fluff the duvet ever again. Not that I was in the habit of doing it that often... actually fluffing the duvet sounds kinda kinky and is making me giggle. Whooops sorry 'bout that, got lost in fluffing duvet thoughts. ANYHOW - yes ban commercial during the daytime.

And aren't we all blonder with perkier boobs?

Chase said...

OMG I soooo agree!

I HATE scary stuff. And that creepyass commercial freaks me OUT! When it comes on, I look at the ceiling or the wall or my dog or my socks....ANYTHING to not see that crazy kid without pupils. Arrrrrggh!!

*signs the petition*

Jenny said...

Yes, yes, yes!

It always comes on when I'm watching the Simpsons and I have to race for the remote so Hailey won't be scarred for life.

More scarred, that is, than she will be from watching the Simpsons.

mothergoosemouse said...

Not only is it likely to scare the crap out of perky-boobed, dust rag-wielding, slender blond women - but HELLO, sometimes children are NOT napping at that hour. And might witness the scary stuff themselves.

Not cool on any level.

creative-type dad said...

I haven't seen it, but now I'm a little freaked.
Usually they save those commercials for family hour...

kfk said...

I haven't seen it, but damn I want to now and all the while imagining you with your perky boobs and dust cloth.

You made me laugh righteously!

Lisa said...

Yeah that movie trailer FREAKS ME OUT. Eeek.

moosh in indy. said...

the moosh has taken to hanging out in her closet talking to "someone" lately. Until that damn trailer I figured it was Pooh or Elmo, not zombie toddlers with flesh melting off their face.
Then there's the "Hitcher" trailer, it may not have kids in it but I still don't think it's fair.

Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

THANK YOU.....I friggin' hate that commercial.

It makes me want to puke.

THAT is a major fear of mine....Paranormal etc. etc....especially in the dark.

Elizabeth said...

I'm still chuckling at your use of the word "yabbos". Heh heh, heh heh.

I LOVE scary movies, but that one looks like too much for me. I could never see it in the theater either, since I'd have to go alone and the people sitting around me might not appreciate me shrieking and jumping into their laps.

Avalon said...

Bwahhhaaaa!! I actually like that commercial, but then again, I'm kinda odd that way. I also loved Flava-of-love, but I can't watch I Love New York. She's too scary even for me!

radioactive girl said...

Sometimes when I run on the treadmill and watch tv in the morning before it is light out, they play the scary ones and I actually have to turn my head so I don't see it. It freaks me out too.

Sparky Duck said...

blame M Night Shamlayan or whatever his name is and change the channel

something blue said...

Dusting is scary enough without horror trailers. Soon Pledge will have to come with a warning label.

You blond perky housewives have a way of cracking me up.

carrie said...

Yes!!! They play that trailer during the noon news over here and I had to cover my eyes and look through my fingers...in the middle of the day, with a 3 year-old home.

Carrie

Damselfly said...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!! {pant pant pant} Oh, that last "boo" really scared me. Wasn't paying attention. You got me!

Queso said...

Okay, you are cracking me up.

jen said...

you are so ridiculously funny sometimes that i can barely stand it.

(making scary face at you)

megachick said...

several years ago i complained to my husband that they weren't making any good scary movies anymore. not 'horror' but 'scary'. now i wish they'd stop again: the others, the ring, saw, the grudge, hide and seek (i will NEVER play that game again), now this.

megachick said...

several years ago i complained to my husband that they weren't making any good scary movies anymore. not 'horror' but 'scary'. now i wish they'd stop again: the others, the ring, saw, the grudge, hide and seek (i will NEVER play that game again), now this.

Waya said...

That's why I don't watch Tv during the day, at least at night...my bum is planted on the couch and I get the clicker and I can change the channel as soon as those suckers come on. Not a fan of those movies.

Christina said...

I've seen that trailer, too, and it does look scary. Of course, I like scary movies, so I'm kind of curious to see it. But I have to agree with you - no scary movie previews during the day on TV.

JayJenny said...

OMG, that movie - thanks for taking that up with Sony. Holy shit is that the scariest thing you've ever seen? I will not be going to the movies for this I can tell you that. Thanks for the good laugh and for protecting us all!

Pendullum said...

And that is why we do not have cable!

binkytown said...

I'm so with you. Please copy Fox and tell them to stop showing that shit during football games on Sunday afternoon! WTF?

croutonboy said...

I've got to say I'm on your side, here, Ms. Chicky. I have enough food for nightmares without that crap feeding my inner demons. And legs under the covers...that's just wrong.

Reminds me of the time I rented "The Ring" because I heard it was good. BAD IDEA. AAAIIIIIEEEEEEEE

Pattie said...

I don't know which is more frightening....the scary movie commercial during the day or New York's boobs....ACK!

MrsFortune said...

First of all, I think "shibbit" is going to be my new word. "Holy shibbit, did you see the ass on that guy?" haha ...

Second of all, could they please just stop showing that trailer PERIOD! That thing scares the hebell out of me...

Jess Riley said...

All I can say is that actor opposite Jen Garner in Catch & Release is H.O.T.

That trailer IS scary. And I Love New York is even scarier! (But I'm glad I'm not the only one watching it!)

Mamacita Tina said...

When Ian whispers and babbles on, I swear he sounds possessed. There's no way I'm watching that movie!

Izzy said...

I hate that trailer, too. But I love I LOVE NEW YORK! Go Chance!!!

Mommy off the Record said...

Due to the fact that I now Tivo everything I watch on TV, I never watch commercials anymore so I have not seen this trailer. However, your post about it kinda freaked me out! I hate scary movies!

Lawyer Mama said...

OK, clearly I was warned by your comments in the post but I hadn't seen the trailer so I went to the site and watched half of it before I had to close the browser. Now I'm not going to sleep. ARGH!

Gidge said...

Seriously, you are so dead on right...I saw the trailer for that on at like 11pm and it scared the crap out of me, I'd lose my mind if I saw it during the day. I guess that's why I only trust TIVO and NOGGIN These days.
I posted my own crankiness about this a while back over on DDS...

http://ronmexicosblog.blogspot.com/2006/12/why-cant-i-watch-football-with-my.html#links

Kevin Charnas said...

YEAH SONY!!! YOU BASTARDS!!!


When the sheet went up and I saw those demon legs, I almost shit my pants.

whatthekel said...

Last night, I was thinking the exact same thing when they showed a 5 minute long trailer, and I sat frozen in horror. The commercials already messed me up, especially since my son is around the same age as that little boy. WHY do they need to scare us like that? We have enough real worries in our head of what can happen to our kids on a day to day basis without thinking of things we can't even see but they can. Darn it! Stop scaring the Mamas! aaarrrghh

BethGo said...

My husband and I wre just talking about this last night. Those stupid trailers scare the crap out of me. And they always come on right as I'm about to go to bed. Too scary! Too scary!

Nancy said...

This is the beauty of Tivo. I haven't seen a commercial or movie trailer in a couple of years.

Good thing, too, because that one sounds creepy beyond belief.

~Sheryl said...

OMG I hate that commercial! It should be banned ANY time of the day! When it came on yesterday I had to try and distract myself.

I've always wondered if animals could see things that human can't... now I have to wonder about my son... great.