Wednesday, January 31, 2007

It's all fun and games until someone finds a white hair on their hoo haa

So it's official. I'm old. Miss Muffy is going gray. If I were as fabulous as Samantha from Sex and the City I would be running out right this instant to buy hair dye for my kittie. (Although, we all remember how that turned out. Hello carrot top!)

As if it weren't bad enough that my bones creek and my joints pop. And? I swear I'm getting the beginning of a wattle. No, not this type. Eeeww. A turkey neck. The skin on my neck is staring to sag. Hell, everything on my body is heading south.

Do your boobs hang low, do they wobble to and fro.
Can you tie them in a knot, Can you tie them in a bow.
Do they go flip flop, Do they do that while you hop.
Do your boobs hang looooowwwww.
(Try getting that song out of your head. You're welcome.)

As if all that were not bad enough, like the fact that all that was buoyant and perky is now loose and pliant is not enough to make me feel like a circus freak, but now my lady parts are going white. It's enough to make a woman want to hide in her room wearing a caftan. A caftan over a couple of pairs of sweatpants, a girdle, a fleece sweatshirt and a down parka... while downing three pints of Ben and Jerry's and a package of mint Oreos. Not that I'd ever consider doing that myself. Um...

And my husband? Barely a gray on his thick head. Not fair not fair not fair.

Am I happy* about this latest aging milestone? Hells no. Am I opening myself up to jokes? Hells yes. Am I also looking for others to come out and admit that their Golden Amber Beaver (Garnier, number 83. Fuck you SJP) is actually a Silver Fox? Oh God, please share in my misery with me. I'm hitting a monumentally low point in my life. It's all down hill from here and the trip will be swift and painful. I'd love to have a passenger or two. We'll play good music and eat Doritos while we hang our old, wrinkly toes out the window.

So tell me, is the Path to Paradise paved with gold or platinum? Silver? White gold? Aluminum? Spill it.

---------------------------------

** I can't forget to thank the person (or persons) that nominated me for some Share the Love Blog Awards. I'm honored that someone would name my blog to the list of "Blogs You'll Never Stop Reading". I chuckled, even guffawed, at the nomination for "Best Commenter" (or, as I like to call it the "Dude, You Really Need a New Hobby" award). But I have to admit that I was perplexed by the "Happiest Blog". Do I have a Happy Blog? Really? Uh, okay.

Don't forget to go vote for your favorite blogs by women. Voting starts tomorrow!

44 comments:

Christina said...

I know that since having Cordy, I have more and more white hairs on my head showing up every day.

As for the condition of the other patch of hair down south, I couldn't tell you. I'm too pregnant at this point to see. It could be mauve for all I know.

metro mama said...

No greys yet, but due for a trim!

T. said...

WTF? You mean to tell me that my beaver is going to go gray?

Isn't it bad enough that my sagging little A-cups hang like a freaking beaver's tail, flapping in the wind?

I never thought about the southern hair changing foliage with the seasons....hmmm.

But I guess I'm just younger than you, eh Chicky?

That makes me happy. So I guess you really do have a Happy Blog. Thanks for the cheer!

LOL!

Anonymous said...

Yes, I have found a white hair down there. And yes, it freaked me out! I'm only 34!!!

(and yes, I'm going to leave this comment anonymously, thank you very much!)

mamatulip said...

Sorry, I can't admit to anything. I don't have any hair down there, if you know what I mean.

creative-type dad said...

What? It goes gray "down" there.

My parent's (TV and Movies) never taught me THAT.

creative-type dad said...

Thinking more about it (because now I'm really disturbed...)

Maybe it's different for men. You know how old dude's can have gray hair but the mustache is sparred from any signs of aging...

carrie said...

They DO make dye for it you know, and you won't end up looking like Samantha did (unless that's the look you're going for...).

Congratulations on your Happy Blog!!! :)

Carrie

Irreverent Antisocial Intellectual said...

I wouldn't know, I'm a Brazilian kinda gal.
BUT ... I do remember when a guy I was working with found his first gray hair there - we had just had a grueling PT day and he went home to soak in the tub. He said he looked down and wondered who got in the tub with him b/c those things couldn't belong to him.

Kristen said...

I can't remember my original hair color on my head from dying it so much- and since I shave down south- I have no clue if I've gotten a gray yet. I highly recommend it- or go get a wax! If you can't see it- it's not there, right?

k said...

sorry. too busy laughing over here to say anything coherent.

krista said...

That "happiest blog" section is weird. Last year someone nominated me for most optimistic, or makes you want to have kids or something like that- and I thought it was the weirdest thing because what if you're up and running for that category and then you want to post some really frustrated angry thing- you'd feel all weird about it..

Blog awards. So bizarre.

Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

That's why I Brazilian.

Karly said...

Oh.My.God. It goes gray? Oh god. I didn't know that. The worst part of all this new knowledge is I'm now wondering if my moms is gray and would she let me see it because holy hell, it goes gray? But, then I realize what I'm thinking and I start convulsing with disgust! Damn. Must go get sugared again just to be safe. Love those brazilians.

Jess Riley said...

Alas, this is probably the tip of the iceberg as far as aging-related surprises go. I myself am entering this forbiding territory. (No gray pubes yet, but a gray nostril hair? Yes, thank you!)

SUEB0B said...

Covering eyes! TMI!! TMIIIIIII!

Mamma said...

I share your pain sister!! I have to agree with some of the other gals above and say that when you go with the Brazillian (or mostly Brazillian as your truly prefers) you don't leave enough of those suckers around to notice. I've been grey up north for so long and I'm only 36. Down south started a year or two ago--not much but you only need one or two to begin freaking out.

You can also try the new product out there. www.bettybeauty.com It even comes in hot pink!!

Oh, The Joys said...

Not yet, but all of me is heading south for sure.

Elizabeth said...

Well, I will admit that I have a pretty good percentage of white down there. Not grey, white. There's no way I'm putting any kind of hair dye that close to my sensitive lady bits, and I don't enjoy razor burn enough to shave it all off, so that's what I'm stuck with. I haven't heard any complaints from my husband so far.

Diana said...

Oh thanks for the laugh, after my day I needed it.

I'm a brazilian kinda girl myself, so I can't relate personally, but my best friend went through this not too long ago and she actually asked her mom about it. Her mom's response? "Wait till it starts falling out!" o.O

So, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but it looks like grey is just the tip of the iceburg of aging. LOL. Luckily, for those of you who don't want to endure razor burn or waxing - there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately by the time someone turns it on.... Well, who knows. LOL!

still standing said...

Diana, your killing me!!!

I just had my first Brazilian and loved it (as did hubby). I wasn't sure though, if I was going to keep it up, so to speak. But now after all of this . . .hmm inlightenment, I think I'll call tommorow and make an appointment....ignorance is bliss.

jen said...

grey, really? damn, you must be OLD. I mean, really.

(ducking to miss the slap in the head)

ok then. are you kidding? funniest blog, ever. um, yes. please.

Avalon said...

Ummmmmm~~ I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but after a few years og grey, sometimes it starts to fall out. Trust me....20 years in emergency medicine. LOTS of little ole lady's with bald beavs.......and they sure as hell aren't shaving them!
Although I have been told that bald is in this season. Maybe that was only for men.

megachick said...

i can't be the only one who is not really worried about this? i am totally disinterested in fighting the aging process. once you start having kids, there is no point in trying to stop the grey. just embrace it, and enjoy the kids while you can. you know, before you go totally insane as well as totally grey/bald.

Lawyer Mama said...

Ah, the grey hair down THERE. Ugh. ANd I'm sure you don't have a turkey wattle.

OK, I'll out myself. I nominated you for Blog You'll Never Stop Reading & Happiest Blog. Why happiest? Not because you never write about anything frustrating or don't get angry (see recent heating oil posts), but because what I see through your writing is a positive person. Yeah, shit happens, but you always seem to get through it gracefully. I mean, there are some seriously negative people out there! But you, my friend, don't seem to be one of them. So I don't mean happy in the "perpetually perky, oh my god i want to kill her way." I meant it in a good way. (There really wasn't room to put that on the nomination form though.) If you were little miss sunshine I'd have to take away your "Blog I'll Never Stop Reading Nomination" and come force feed you some lithium.

ewe are here said...

It's bad enough I find myself tweezing little grey suckers from my head... I didn't realize I'd have to look south re same someday!

sigh

Getting old does rather suck sometimes, no?

Mommy off the Record said...

LOL. I wish I could say I'm happy to join you, but this is one thing that I haven't had to worry about yet. I'm going to have to double check later though. Now you've got me nervous!

kittenpie said...

I don't have much to worry about in that area, but haven't noticed a grey yet. I do have one white eyelash, though, does that help you any?

Ruth Dynamite said...

All I have to say is that the whole topic of hair on the who-ha is ripe for blogospheric discussion.

Mitch McDad said...

There's really only one solution....hmmm...how to say it....bald is beautiful. :)

Heather said...

Oh my gosh, girl-

I'm dying. You're killing me! I canNOT stop laughing!!!!

soleclaw said...

I am in no shape to read through all the comments left here, so I'll risk repeating advice in suggesting complete hair removal. After all, it's perfectly accceptable to deny the grays exist if they aren't there to offer visual proof!

The hair on my head is going gray already, and is so obvious considering my hair is almost black. I'm only 24 and am grayer than some women I know who are well into their thirties. I can only imagine it's a matter of time before the hair down there starts following suit. :((

Domestic Slackstress said...

How about stray nipple hairs? Word of advice, pluck, don't shave the stray nipple hair reminding you that you no longer got it goin' on. Sheesh.

kfk said...

I haven't checked the kittie for grays. Perhaps I should. She is lucky enough to get a shave every now and then.

Congrats on the nomination. You received my vote!

beth said...

Man, I've been trying to think of the third line of that little jingle for WEEKS. Thank you! I have no idea if I'm being sarcastic or not. I am in actuality relieved for some odd reason to be able to now have the song in its entirety constant blaring in my head.

And here's what I find embarrassing...I had no idea that we go gray down there. The thought has never ever occurred to me and it is just not something I thought would one day happen. I'm so freaked out by this. Am I an idiot? Why would everthing else turn gray and not that? How many days do I have left?

margalit said...

As a couple of other people have commented, gray on your lady bits isn't half as scary as when it starts falling out. I'm old, and I'm getting a natural brazilian. Scared the bejesus out of me until I asked my doctor, and she assured me that when you go through "the change" hair disappears everywhere.

Even on your head.

And your hoohah.

liv said...

good God! That does it. I am booking myself for a Brazilian because my life has been bad enough lately. If I find a stray gray down south I. will. perish! BUT, in related news, I was mortified to be informed by my sister that I had a 2 inch long platinum colored strand coming out of my back. Acckkkk! (oh, and it did get removed!)

Sparky Duck said...

Liv stole my brazillian thunder. Shocking that a guy would say that I know

mothergoosemouse said...

I try not to inspect my kittie too closely. Wash her, trim her, take her to the groomer now and then.

But the day Kyle informs me that she's going gray...well, I may have to get some legal advice.

kittenpie said...

Oh good lord, I didn't know it then fell out later! I'm pretty sparse to start with (waxer is always saying "you're like a baby!" - somewhat oddly), so I should be bald in no time...

Tiffany said...

I have not laughed so hard in weeks...maybe even months. It never occured to me to check "down south" for signs of aging! Lordy, something else to worry about!

LMAO.... being a woman is so much fun!!

Kevin Charnas said...

HA! Thank you, Mrs. Chicky...you reminded of a post that I drafted a while ago and didn't quite have the courage to publish, then I forgot about it. So, you've inspired me to know that I'm not alone...and this was hysterical. So, thank you for the laugh as well...I had to link to this.

Shall we go silver (not gray) together?

Mysit said...

It. Falls. Out?

Oh god. The very idea gives me the willies. Gray kitties I can live with. Somehow. But the idea of receding kitty hairlines...............

Ack.

Grim Reality Girl said...

It goes GRAY!??? It falls OUT??? Holy cats.... I'm not ready for this. La, la, la...... If it falls out, does it at least do it nicely so you end up with a mohawk vs. bald spots?