Friday, January 26, 2007

What could be considered grounds for divorce

*Update! WhooHoo!*

I'm shivering. My nose is red and my fingers stiff, which is only slightly better than Chicky's fingers. Hers are purple. We're dressed in two or three layers of clothing, wearing winter hats and we're freezing, regardless of the roaring fire next to us.

Why would we be outside if we're so uncomfortable? We're not. We're sitting on my couch.

It's 5 degrees outside, the coldest day of the year by far.

It's 43 degrees in my house and it's getting colder.

My husband is in New York City, warm and toasty. Probably sipping coffee with co-workers. And he forgot to have our oil tank refilled. Before the Coldest. Day. Of the. Year.

Bastard.

I could kill a person for less than this.

I've bribed Chicky with Dragon's Tales and Sesame Street on Tivo to keep her on the couch and under the heavy blankets. My kid, who would sooner stand in front of the tv rocking back and forth - you know, just to keep moving even during a sedentary activity - or run around the house bouncing off of walls is compliant. I think mainly because her blood is so cold that it's thick and slowing her down. Her hands are two ice cubes but I can't get her to wear mittens because YOU CAN'T EAT KIX CEREAL IF YOU'RE WEARING MITTENS. Duh.



I can't feel my fingertips, but these Kix sure are tasty.


My cat has just joined us on the couch. I've never been so happy to have an obese animal try to sit on my neck. At least she's got body heat.

Am I being melodramatic? Fuck no! It's cold and I have no heat. Now would probably be a good time to bring up all those families that routinely have to choose between food and heat each and every winter (and honestly I don't know how they do it, I don't mean to make light of their horrible situation) but I'd rather bitch about my fucktard of a husband. Yeah, you heard me right. A fucktard. Under normal circumstances I can look past his minor oversights in judgment because he's usually on top of things. But this is the second time he's done this to me.

That's right. The second time he has left me with no heat on a cold winter's day.

Fucktard.

Guess who will be taking over the oil delivery scheduling responsibility?

So here we sit, our hands starting to swell. Chicky starting to whine and her nose beginning to run. We wait for the oil man to bring us our emergency supply of fossil fuel. And when he gets here I will ask him that if he were in my situation would he think it were appropriate for his wife to divorce his ass for leaving her and their young child alone in the cold.

I'm thinking he might agree with me. Especially when he sees the steam coming from my ears. Funny how that steam isn't keeping me the least bit warm.

And when Mr. C gets home late this evening he better walk through the door on his knees, clutching a big, fat diamond for me and a pony for his daughter. Or the equivalent. Which would be complete servitude for the rest of our lives.

I'm open to any other suitable punishments.


Daddy's in trouble. Daddy's in trouble. Daddy's in trouble.

** Update!**

The oil man came! Finally. Five hours after I called for a delivery (and an hour and a half after I called the second time to inquire if the oil man was dead) he showed up. I was so excited to see him I think I might have peed on the floor. But that might have been because I held it for so long... Have you ever sat on a frozen toilet seat? Yowzah.

After explaining to him why we were without heat the oil man said, "It sounds like your husband will be sleeping with those dogs tonight." Which I considered, until I came to the conclusion that the dogs had been suffering along with us all day. Instead I think Mr. C will be sleeping on the dog bed in the kitchen and the dogs will sleep in the bedroom with me. That seems fair.

Our fire went out around 11:30am, so all we had for heat was a small space heater for a couple of hours (thanks Carrie for reminding me I had one!) . Also around 11:30 Chicky started asking for a nap. Do you know what it's like to tell a toddler that, no, she couldn't go to bed because it's too cold in her room? That was probably the worst part. Two hours of keeping Chicky's mind off of sleeping - because she absolutely would NOT just lie on the couch and close her eyes. Instead she just stood and whined. Loudly. And hit me repeatedly. So we ran around a lot and there was much bouncing up and down involved. After the heat was turned on we still had to wait for the house to warm up enough so that I wouldn't worry that Chicky would die of hypothermia in her sleep. I didn't want a Chicksicle on my hands.

Thanks for your well wishes so far. Keep those suggestions for painful retribution coming!


61 comments:

jen said...

oh, no he didn't.

daddy is SO in trouble. daddy needs to send the Chickys to a day spa, and then to a four star hotel, where there is ALWAYS heat.

Or better, give me Mr. Chick's email. You know you want to.

Carrie said...

After you kick his A@@, invest in a portable electric heater. He owes you big time!!

dodo said...

you're making me cold just reading this!

tho that little grin is enough to warm a few toes at least!

Mrs. Chicky said...

Carrie - Thank you! I completely forgot that I had a space heater. It's a good thing you reminded me because I'm running out of wood (yeah, good thing we didn't get a delivery of logs this year, huh?). I'm thinking about burning something of Mr. C's to get us through until the oil guy comes. Perhaps his cashmere sweaters?

Christina said...

OH wow, that crosses the line of forgetful. That's downright neglectful. Making sure your house remains heated in the winter should be a priority.

Now you understand why I pay all the bills in my house. Because if I didn't, we'd have occasional blackouts, occasional periods of no heat, and more late fees than we'd know what to do with. I hate paying bills, but if I don't do it, I can't guarantee it will get done.

Although it's not like my husband has serious things on his mind. I'm the one worrying about the house, the bills, the cars, the child, etc. I wonder what in the world he fills his head with. Oh wait, yeah, I forgot: comic books, video games, and theatre. Sigh.

I hope you find a suitable punishment for your husband.

Avalon said...

Burn Mr. C instead. Truss him up and dump his forgetful ass into the fireplace. But only after Chicky goes to bed. And after he gives you the diamond. And gives Chicky the pony. And maybe make him buy you your very own oil truck before the trussing.

{ Note to self: yet another reason to remain single}}

Ms. Huis Herself said...

Oh, BRRRRR!!! I suppose you have to stay to wait for the oil delivery guy, right? 'Cuz otherwise I'd say get out of the house & get somewhere warm - the mall, the toy store, a movie theatre... Heck, if there are any hotels nearby with a swimming pool, it might be a nice get-away for you and Chicky and something fun to do to while away the time.

Good luck staying warm!

Sparky Duck said...

ok sorry, this is hilarious. You know us men cant remember to do everything right?? Seriously, I think we were created to forget things. Please dont hit me :)

something blue said...

This is the case of the Really Desperate Housewife and you know how they stay warm. *wink*wink*nudge*nudge* Yah Mr. Chicky, that cute delivery boy was a necessity to stay warm.

But really if you want to make your point and be taken seriously, don't include pictures of Chicky Baby looking so happy. They warm my heart. (But my fingers still feel a wee bit cold.)

Stay warm!

Mad Hatter said...

My daughter likes to mimic me: "Daddy in the dog house. Daddy really in the dog house."

There's nothing like a fit of pique, though, to warm a gal up.

ali said...

you should definitely collect for this one. big time. can we say...diamonds???!!

go somewhere warm...like the mall...just to get out of the cold!

Cate said...

That is horrible. We have some kind of auto-delivery program, where the oil man shows up by magic every so often (and then leaves a giant bill, but it is worth it.) Can you get that?

Man, it's cold out. I feel like I should invite you over, we're watching Tivo'ed Noggin today too.

There are all kinds of fun hot drinks you can make that might help. Lots of things go nicely in cocoa, for example.

Julie said...

Talk about a major brain fart! How about you leave a pillow and sleeping bag for him on the front step? Give him a taste of the "pleasant" weather conditions for a bit. Too spiteful?

metro mama said...

That dude better come home with a very nice bottle of wine and get on his knees and massage those cold toes and beg for your forgiveness.

IAI said...

Holy shit. Complete Fucktard.
I suggest fighting cold with cold. As in frigid. For a verrrry long time.
Catch my drift?

jennster said...

come here. i'll keep you warm! :) sorry you're freezing. :(

Oh, The Joys said...

I keep thinking of insensitive things to say like,

Well at least you're blowing hot air

or

I'm thinking warmly of you

or

Someone should've warmed you about him.

Clearly, it is I who am the Fucktard.

Whirlwind said...

OMG, I would be so pissed! It is cold here, I had to venture out in the 4 degrees to bring Einey to school. We hid upstairs to stay warm.

Mamma said...

A. Fucktard is a great word. I can think of a few times it would have come in handy.

Con: It's freezing cold.
Pro: You got a blogging topic, cute pics of the Chicky and you got to call your husband a fucktard in public.

Velma said...

I know it's a small comfort, but at least there isn't 2 feet of snow on the ground. I was going to suggest hauling ass to a hotel, but then I remembered the dogs. Hope the oil man comes soon!

Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

Hope he gets there soon. The oil man I mean. Your husband uhm, fucktard (ha) better stay in NY another week....

Kimberly said...

Shit. You're right. He better have a big ass diamond and maybe one of those magic ponies from the Wizard of Oz that changes color.

SJ said...

Man oh man! I hope the oil guy shows up soon and gets that heat cranking!

Cute pictures by the way....

And I agree with Julie, leave your husband a nice pillow and a sleeping bag on the porch and let him sleep outside, he deserves it.

Fucktard.

margalit said...

Change to gas heat pronto. They cannot by law turn off your heat from Nov to April if you have gas heat. Ditto for electricity. Only oil heat can do this to you. Which is why I will never live with oil heat again.

Daddy IS a fucktard and he deserves a good whuppin for being such a creep.

If the oilman doesn't come soon, come to our house. It is freaking sauna bath warm in here.

Blog Antagonist said...

Oh my. As much as I loathe living in the South, there are some advantages. Not freezing our asses off is definitely on the list of pros. I grew up in WI, and we had several furnace mishaps over the years, so I can definitely relate. Hubby better do some BIG TIME sucking up for that one.

mamatulip said...

Oh my GOSH, Mrs. Chicky! That first pic of Chicky looks like you guys just came inside from the bitter cold.

I'm so glad you have heat now...as for retribution, I think you should use all the hot water and then ask him if he wants to freshen up with a hot shower. Make him think he's gettin' some...and stand outside the shower door and listen to him yelp! LOL!

Chris said...

OMG...you are too funny. I'm sorry, I'm sure it was not funny on your end. I've been there.
Been lurking quite a few times and had to comment.
Love your blog..;)

L.A. Daddy said...

I know what you mean. It dropped below 70 this afternoon and I was stuck at work without a coat. I had to order lunch in. It was horrible.

Of course... my rent is probably 12 times what your's is so don't give up the hate too easily.

Jonathon said...

OH YEAH. this is why i don't live up north anymore.

holy shit i would've been pissed.

creative-type dad said...

5! Is that even possible? I complain like a mo-fo when it's below 50.

(cute picts)

cape buffalo said...

DUDE. The Globe says it's warmer at the north pole in our neck of the woods today. I can't imagine not having heat. You poor, poor chickies!

MotherBumper said...

I don't know how you did it (a) keep Chicky on the couch under blankets for that long (I can't even keep mittens on Bumper for longer then 15 seconds to save my life) and (b) didn't tell husband never to return, papers are in the mail. I'd be steaming so hard that I'd do something insane - not quite sure what, but it would cost somethin'.

Chicksicle - crack me up.

Pendullum said...

Want to know if Mr. Chicky lives to see another day....
But I sooooooo loved the shots of your beautiful wee bundle eating cereal on the couch.. ADORABLE!!!!.

cooler*doula said...

One word. Hawaii.

In a place with absurdly lavish spas and impeccable baby sitters.

reluctant housewife said...

This is my biggest fear, realized. Next time, come to our house - okay?

Elizabeth said...

I hope by the time you read this that Mr. Chicky has been appropriately and sufficiently sorry, with extra groveling. That is just horrible! Even if the photos of Chicky are so cute, her all bundled up like that. When you said she wouldn't nap on the couch, I thought, yeah, we work so hard to get them to sleep in their own bed that when we WANT them to sleep somewhere else, they can't!

Birdsword said...

man, my nose is getting cold just thinking about your post. I lived in a condemned house one college winter-the worst winter MA had in years and the boys who sublet the house to me forgot to get the oil tank filled. We stood in front of the stove almost all night to keep warm...They were too gross to sleep with.

Julie Pippert said...

Oh my, oh no, bad Mr. Chicky, bad bad bad Mr. Chicky!

Do you remember winter err must have been 2003? When it as sub-zero for weeks (or that could be my overly dramatic memory)? My ancient house and heater (gas, BTW) couldn't keep up and we maintained a high of about 45-50 downstairs and about 50-60 (during a day with some sun and only on the south side) upstairs.

Space heaters, my friend.

I'm glad your oil came.

This had to be the funniest telling possible of this entire situation, ever.

And I think your sleeping plan sounds very, very fair, and Mr. Chicky should thank you for not making him sleep outside, in the dog house.

It'd be really funny to change the locks and pretend like you weren't going to give him a key or let him in. really funny, right? ;)

(Ongoing regularly scheduled oil? Buy a plan?)

PunditMom said...

Painful retribution ... could be fun!

Julie Pippert said...

BTW, I finally got around to updating my blog template and added you in to my links. :)

carrie said...

Brrrrr! That sounds horrible! But at least you had electricity, when the power goes out here, we loose it all (tv, lights, heat) and huddle around the gas fireplace...good times! Glad it had a happy ending though!

Carrie

Kristi said...

That blanket is bee-yoo-ti-ful. Think warm thought...you know the cold won't last long. You know, with the global warming and all.

Kate said...

Yikes, that post reminds me of my college days. Waking up with a hangover and seeing my breath, because my roommate forgot to call the oil man - who is now on a 6 hour delay because everyone else and their brother in this college town forgot to call the oil man, too. That sucks!

SUEB0B said...

You live in Massachusetts? Surely there has to be a Four Seasons in Boston?

Why, yes:
http://www.fourseasons.com/boston/spa.html

I suggest you go down and you can take advantage of the spa while Mr. Chicky stays at home with the heat off for a day. Ooh, someone will have to watch Chicky while you are getting a lavender oil massage...so I suppose you will have to hire a nanny for the day, too.

Heather said...

It was -19 here yesterday - glad all is fixed. When I was in university the furnace in our house barely ever worked, we studied at the mall and library to keep warm.

T. said...

I can't believe I missed this while I was away being sick! I mean, what's better entertainment that looking at pictures of the Chickybaby slowly turn into a Chicksicle. (Good word by the way!)

I agree, your husband is a Fucktard. The only appropriate punishment I can think of is ... well, shit, I don't know. Isn't it punishment enough to have to crawl into bed with your hairy ass every night? Grins.

You know you love me. I would also like to point out, that your 5 degrees as the coldest day of the year is just pitiful. It is that cold here right now. Where was my sympathy when I was stuck inside the house for two days in a row, with kids and a dog who wouldn't pee outside when it was -31F???

That's what I thought. And now you know why I am part Yeti. Give that Chicklet a squeeze for me. She's damn cute.

Fresh Mommy said...

We had the same @#$^% thing happen to us when we first moved into our house. We were used to our apartment in the city where the heat would just automatically start roaring around November 1st (we'd actually have the windows open to cool off! Windows! Open! In January! Now I can barely open the door for a Girl Scout -- instead I open the door an inch, peek my nose out and ask her to put me down for 5 boxes of Thin Mints. But I digress...). Anyway, we were used to heat just happening. One day shortly after we moved, we were like, why is it so cold in here? I put the thermostat up to 70, but it's just keeps getting colder and colder. I don't underst-- OH CRAP!

radioactive girl said...

I am cold just reading this! I am glad it is all fixed, and can't wait to hear what you ended up doing to your husband.

NKYGAL said...

OMG. I would kill my husband. I can't belive that. I can remember when I was younger our furnace going out. I lived it Iowa and it was SOOOO cold. I jsut remember that I could see my breath while sitting in my living room. I def. feel your pain.

This is my first time stopping by. I love your writing style, you have a great blog!

Lawyer Mama said...

Actually, I'm thinking a nice solo trip for you to a warm beach resort is suitable punishment.

Is it possible to set up automatic oil deliveries? When we had oil heat they had some complicated computer program that told them when to deliver oil based on the temperatures in the area. We never ran out. At least a service like that would keep the decision out of Mr. Fucktard's hands!

Oh & I've tagged you for a meme. You can thank me later. Sorry!

Lisa said...

I hope he starts groveling soon. I think this thing ate my long comment. Definitely owes you a nice evening out.

Fenicle said...

I can't believe he went out of town without checking it! I think "fucktard" has to be my NEW favorite word!!!

You definately deserve a weekend away with the girls for that little mess up.

I've been reading your blog for a while & am finally delurking (whatever the hell that means exactly?).

I just got my webblog up. Come visit!

Nancy said...

Fucktard is the perfect term for these circumstances.

I think you should make Mr. C spend the day outside in punishment. I'll bet he never, ever forgets the oil delivery after that.

Hope you and Chicky are toasty by now!

Her Bad Mother said...

Yeah, that would be grounds for divorce. Or days and days of cold stares, at least. You probably got 'cold' down to an art.

Rock the Cradle said...

Oh hell, am I late on the comment here...

Retribution:
Frozen underwear? All of it?

Lillithmother said...

Late here too...by now your're nice and warm but Mr. Chicky is still getting the cold shoulder hmmm?!

Just a question...why did it the oil company so long to get to you? Ours has a policy of dropping off a couple of cans gas or deisel until they can offer a larger fill. Can yours do something like that the next time that happens!

Lil

Jenny said...

Oh girl. Victor has fracked up a lot in our ten years together but that one would earn him a night sleeping in the chimney hearth.

Wow. You're a saint if he's still alive.

penelopeto said...

I know some people. You want I should give them a call?

p.s. even freezing cold, your daughter is gorgeous.

mothergoosemouse said...

Yowza. I'm glad you're warm again.

Our furnace threatened to blow itself up prior to the Thanksgiving weekend, and I risked foreclosure and bankruptcy to get the HVAC guy out here. Kyle - who I've nicknamed Sauna Boy due to his penchant for heat - claimed that he wasn't going to pay extra, he'd just bundle up. YEAH.

And ditto - Chicky Baby is so darned cute with her Kix.

Ruth Dynamite said...

F*cktard. It's in the slang book. I should have used your words as the example. Glad you're warm again!

krista said...

Hey, is that a hand knit blanket I see?

Preeeeeetty.