A letter...

April 12, 2006

To: Mr. Chicky
From: Mrs. Chicky's psyche - a subsidiary of the General Electric Company


Dear Mr. Chicky,

We have been hired to speak on behalf of our client, one Mrs. Chicky (a.k.a Mama), and address some of her concerns. Apparently, on 4/11/06, you questioned your wife, Mrs. Chicky (who, from here on, will be referred to as "Mrs. C") about why she did not take your daughter, one Chicky Baby, outside for a walk on a beautiful spring day. This may have escaped your notice, but our client has informed us that it has been bothering her ever since.

If we can speak frankly, Mrs. C has been feeling a little overwhelmed. She wants to make it abundantly clear that she is incredibly thankful that she has the opportunity to stay home and take care of Chicky Baby, but the pressure as well as the monotony is starting to take their toll on her well-being. As you are probably aware the state of your home, from a cleanliness perspective, has taken a turn for the worse. Mrs. C apologizes for that and she has assured us that situation will be rectified. However, she wanted to make perfectly clear that since she is the main caretaker of the inside of the house [including but not limited to: vacuuming, moping, dusting, dishes, bed-making, laundry, cleaning of the bathrooms, general pet care and maintenance, as well as overall straightening-up, diaper-genie emptying, etc.] she would like to be cut a little "slack". Because not only does she take care of those chores on a daily/weekly basis, but she is also responsible for approximately 90% of the child care. Individually each job could be considered full-time positions. But together they make for a very, very long day.

Mrs. C has told us that she would love to exercise more, for her physical as well as emotional well-being, but Chicky Baby's normal routine of sleeping, eating, whining, playing, demanding, pooping, etc. is ever so slightly changing (apparently sleeping less to allow more time for whining and demanding) and Mrs. C is still trying to adjust to it. Mrs. C has also told us that although she knows your comment about getting outside was out of concern for her happiness and not, let us repeat, not because you felt she should lose weight or firm up, it still struck a chord. Therefore, our client has a few demands:

First, although she appreciates you telling her "like it is", she would enjoy it if sometimes you would tell her things she would like to hear instead of things you think she needs to hear for her own good. As an example, you could try saying "I like the well-worn denim look." Instead of "When was the last time you changed your clothes?"

Second, Mrs. C is stretched horribly thin. Not only does she constantly worry about things such as: Is it okay to park Chicky Baby in front of Elmo so our client can have a bit of piece? Is Chicky Baby having enough individual playtime as well as constructive time outside the home with her baby buddies to further along her development? But other things like: The dogs aren't being sufficiently exercised causing behavioral problems in the home. When was the last time the cats were fed? If Chicky Baby's knees are always dirty due to the fact that our client hasn't washed the floor in a week, does that make her a bad mother? With all these concerns swirling around in her head, your small comments about her getting a job outside of the home are not appreciated. Cut it out.

Third, Although our client is thrilled that you've been taking a much more active roll in Chicky Baby's care and the upkeep of the home, Mrs. C really would like it if you got around to finally finishing your guest bathroom. The two types of linoleum and the askew towel bar combined with the half-painted trim is a little embarrassing.


If, after reading this, you have any concerns of your own we would appreciate it if you spoke directly with our client. Frankly, this passive-aggressive thing is really screwing with us. In closing, our client would like to reiterate that she is thrilled with how much progress she has seen from you. She has told us several times that she wouldn't trade you in, even if Brad Pitt came calling....

But, if you don't give our client a full day off soon she's thinking of leaving you to go stalk George Clooney in Lake Como.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Chicky's Psyche, Esq.