Monday, January 28, 2008

Who are you calling Motherly?

Through the grace of God yesterday was a pretty good day - especially when you consider how amazingly crummy Friday was - and today is shaping up to be acceptable too. For the most part.

(She pooped, people. She pooped! And I have you to thank. That Babylax stuff works like a charm. The only problem? Chicky was actually kind of excited to have "medicine in her bum". Who is this child and how is it possible she sprung forth from my woman parts?)

Yesterday morning I shipped Chicky off with her grandfather for her weekly sleepover. I had to stop myself from shoving them out the door, I must admit, but she just had to go. Apparently, three is coming earlier than we had expected. I can't take three. Three is a bitch wrapped up in a dictator surrounded by a pain in the ass. I may not survive three.

After they left I finished a book I had been putting off finishing.

I took a nap.

And... that was pretty much it. I might have eaten a Twinkie or five. Yes indeed, a pretty good day.

That evening I had to go to work but it was just for a couple of hours. Although, how I can hurt myself in such a short period of time is beyond me. I really need to stop pretending I'm not pregnant, I don't have a history of back problems and because of the baby my pelvis is not being stretched to the point of breaking.

This morning I slept until 10am. I would have slept longer but my grandmother called for her weekly guilt trip and woke me up. It's hard to fall back into peaceful slumber when you feel like an ungrateful little shit.

But I really needed that beauty sleep. Not necessarily because of the pregnancy or because my dear husband leaves me regularly to play rising superstar for his company, traveling all around the country pushing their product and leaving me to parent my precious little beast all by myself. No, I have a much better reason for staying in bed so long.

Oh yes, a very good reason.

Remember how I said yesterday was a good day? Yeah, well, not entirely.

Last night after work I stopped for pizza*. After I ordered my small pepperoni - a pie I was going to regret later when I tried to sleep and the heartburn got to me - I sat down with one of those free real estate brochures that are always hanging around places like that. As I was flipping through the book the woman behind the counter tried to strike up a conversation with me - something I usually frown upon since I hate making idle chit chat with people. Especially after 8pm. Or any time of the day for that matter.

After a few pleasantries - all from her because I'm not pleasant, especially after 8pm. Not even to people feeding my cravings - she looked at me for a bit longer than was comfortable.

"Aren't you that woman who comes in here with all her kids?" she inquired.

I shook my head, "No, that's not me. You must have me confused with some other woman."

This happens to me a lot. I've been mistaken for someone's best friend's sister's cousin's friend, told I look just like someone's favorite niece or a long lost best friend from college since I was a teen. So it didn't strike me as odd that this woman thought I was someone else. And I was wearing my standard dog training uniform: Sweatshirt, jeans, and a baseball hat and I had on an older, nondescript parka. I was the proverbial blank slate.

I gave her my most winning smile, "I hear that a lot, that I look like someone else. I guess I just have that kind of face..." You know, familiar.

"Yeah," she interrupted. "Motherly."



Did she just say...

Oh, no she DIDN'T.

I buried my face in that real estate magazine so as to stop myself from jumping across that counter and strangling her. All idle chit chat ended quicker than you can say "It's time for Botox". After a few homicidal minutes I paid for my pizza and drove home, checking my face in the rearview mirror the whole way. Motherly? Really?

When I got home I did what any reasonable woman would do - I abandoned my precious pizza and ran to the bathroom mirror. I pulled and I stretched and I poked at my poor, apparently motherly looking face. Motherly? Me? I've always been told I look young for my age, dammit. Especially with a ball cap on! Who did that woman think she was?? Motherly.


They say daughters steal your beauty, but I guess they steal your youth too. And it all happens between the ages of 2 and 3. By the time your kid is a teenager you're wearing knitted sweaters with pictures of kittens on them and calling all your kids' friends "dear". I'm guessing anyway, because I am not going down that easily. I am not giving in to this motherly crap without a fight.

So what's it going to be? Thigh-high boots and a tube top? Purple streaks in my hair and facial piercings? (Hi, T!) Or maybe next time I'll throw my pizza back in that woman's face.

How's that for motherly, bitch?

However, if I did that I'd probably feel bad and rush behind the counter to help her clean up. There, there dear. Mommy's just having a bad day. Please don't cry.

I'm doomed, aren't I?


*I apologize for not posting any recipes that I've prepared yet. With the hubs traveling I haven't been cooking much. As soon as I can pin him down for more than 10 hours I'll make some real food from your recommendations. Pinky swear. Would this Mommy lie to you?


kittenpie said...

Motherly? I would not call you motherly. And not just because you'd lay a beatdown on my ass.

And it sounds like the perfect day off. Good for you - everyone needs that once in a while, and you have sure needed it lately because you're right - three is a bitch. But I found the first couple of months awful, then a break, then right around 3.5 awful again for another month or so, then better again. I have actually heard that it's common for them to be difficult around brithdays and half-birthdays, so mine is right on track... It should pick up again, though dear. Hang in there!

Bea said...

They say that daughters steal your beauty? I was just thinking that the other day, but I didn't know it was a saying. I found one of the few photographs of me taken between pregnancies and reflecting that the first one didn't leave nearly the lasting impression on my body that the second one did.

justmylife said...

Three is a bitch, 18 is hell! I am, like you, surprised and horrified when I am called motherly! Yes my oldest is 22 and my youngest is 8, but motherly? I guess that is better than GRANDMOTHERLY!!!! Thanks for the laughs and for letting me know I am not alone in my desire to kill those who annoy me.

Fratzels said...

First of did you manage to pull off a weekly sleepover? I'm going to need to have a conversation with my in-laws!

Secondly...yikes! Motherly is just as bad as being called Mam or not being carded for your wine when the sign that says we card everyone that looks under 40 is clearly visible - well thanks a lot!

mamatulip said...

Motherly, eh?

Hmm. I've only ever seen a few pictures of you but I don't think I'd label you as having a motherly appearance. Youthful? Yes! Motherly?

Heather B. said...

I've only seen you once. And forgetting the fact that I may have had a drink - or four - I don't think you look motherly. Perhaps she meant 'motherly' as in you look like a nurturer? No?

You look youthful. There you go.

ms blue said...

She probably saw your resemblance to a Goddess of fertility. Possibly a Botticelli painting.

You know when Gwen and Angelina are popping out babies, it's probably ok to be called motherly.

Ali said...

yeesh. it doesn't get much worse than motherly, does it? i don't even know what you look like but i know it's entirely untrue! :)

Don Mills Diva said...

Motherly? I'd be pissed but then again Jana's right - Angelina has four kids so motherly's not exactly a bad thing...

flutter said...

motherly. Wow that's a load of horse to the shit.

Keeping It Real said...

The dictionary describes motherly as someone who's "kind, protective, nurturing, etc..."

OK, maybe that's not you.

Kidding. Ha Ha. -- Seriously glad you got some serious alone time, though.

Blog Antagonist said...

Well...she could have said you looked like a everybody's favorite crack whore. Right?

God I would give my right arm for someone to keep my kids overnight. You are exceedingly lucky.

Anonymous said...

You know the first time I met you that was exactly what I thought.

Wow, this lady looks motherly. I can't believe the Chicky chick is soooo matronly.

(Ducking as you throw stale pizza crusts at my head...)

Don't worry, darling. You party like a spring chicken and that's all that matters.

And if you want to recapture your youth, I would recommend nipple piercings. Trust me. You'll feel fresh as a virgin 16 year old.

(Wait, are 16 year olds still virgins by then??? That's only FIVE years away for my daughter...)

I need a drink. Beer goggles make everything better....

Kristin said...

Listen, I can one up you... yesterday at the gym, my trainer told him a woman came over and said,"Oh, your client has such a beautiful face - I hope she keeps on coming!"

OMG - fat girl/pretty face... I am totally dropping a dumbbell on her foot tomorrow.

& you're not motherly, you're a HOTTAY!

cce said...

LOL. That's the kind of thing that can break a woman in half. I'd go with the facial piercings AND the purple streaks. There's nothing like being thorough in your identity crisis.

Hannah said...

Motherly. Ouch. I saw that pic of you in the bathtub and you didn't look motherly to me.

One of my co-workers - who is twice my age, by the way - insists on calling me "momma". I could kick him every time he says it. Feck off jack, I'm not quite 30!!

People suck.

Hannah said...

Wait a minute, you weren't the one with the bathtub picture, that was Her Bad Mother. Obviously I shouldn't post comments when I have a migraine. Although I maintain that you do not, in fact, look motherly.

I suck too.

Binky said...

I can confirm that when I met you the first thing I thought was that you look just like someebody else I know. I did NOT think that you looked motherly. So you've got that going for you ;)

Unknown said...

I have never been more excited for a child other than mine to have pooped.

Elleoz said...

Try four and 2.5. No wonder I have a head full of grey hairs!!!

You have a weekly night off! Grrr.. So jealous!

Sarahviz said...

God, you totally crack me up.

Should I be using Babylax instead of Benefiber?!

Manic Mommy said...

Think MILF, not motherly. And yeah, I'd go with the 'pregnancy glow.'

Julie Pippert said...

"Three is a bitch wrapped up in a dictator surrounded by a pain in the ass. I may not survive three."

Sweetie, if I had a nickel for every time I said this every day...

And it's so extra special with six!

I lveo my kids! Love my kids lovemykidslovemykidslovemykids!

Umm, it must be the pregnancy belly. Motherly? Umm, not what I think.

Glad the babylax worked!

Lisa said...

Maybe she meant it in a nice way? As in you have a kind face. (And when I say that I mean it in a nice way. Like when I met you at BlogHer, I thought you looked like a really fun person who would also be very sincere and sweet.)

Don't think she meant it as "frumpy". You are a hottie -- definitely not frumpy.

But go for the purple streaks. Oh, and maybe tattooed eye brows. You know how some people shave their eyebrows and make curly-ques there?

You would TOTALLY rock that look.

Anonymous said...

"Three is a bitch wrapped up in a dictator surrounded by a pain in the ass."

Very well put!

To be fair, yesterday and today have been great--but it's been many, many weeks since I've been able to say that.

Hang in there!

- Lea at Quick Serve Kids

Anonymous said...

Well if motherly means hot as hell (cause that's what you are) then I'll be motherly any day.

Hugs to you my friend ... miss ya!

BOSSY said...

Fer chrissake, that's worse than 'M'am'. But Bossy thinks that person must have lost her glasses - -and her manners -- and her mind.

moosh in indy. said...

I always though you looked the farthest thing from motherly. More like villainous ransacked whore.
Does that help?

Julie Marsh said...

Motherly. Oh man, I needed a good giggle.

Anonymous said...

Ah the 'M' word...i've heard that before.

Anonymous said...

I second what Sandra said...

Ruth Dynamite said...

But she didn't say matronly.

You need to come with me to my local grocery store and then you can be "pretty" like me.