Friday, January 25, 2008

This almost made me believe there is a God

There's World War 3 going on in my house.

The evil dictatorship is strengthening, threatening to crush the poor, peace loving Allies, who just want a minutes rest to brush their own damn hair. Soon the evil dictator will rule and the Allies will end up curled up in a ball in the corner, rocking back and forth and probably chewing on their sleeve.

If you haven't guessed yet Chicky is the evil (evil, evil, evil) dictator and I am peace loving Sweden.

And yes I know the Swedes are socialists. But don't they seem happy? It's probably all that cheap furniture.

What was I saying? Oh yeah...

Chicky and I are having the day from hell. I don't like to call kids brats, but wow. She is being one big freaking brat. I even called her a little shit this morning. Quietly. Mainly under my breath, but loud enough to make me feel better.

I don't know what crawled up her ass this morning, but whatever it is it's adding to her constipation...

(Yes, she's constipated. She's proving a point that she will not poop, in her diaper or in the potty, just to spite me. For five freaking days. She's really teaching me a lesson.)

...and making her impossible to deal with. At one point I considered leaving her in one of those Goodwill drop boxes by the side of the road.

After a small demon sprung forth from the back of her head I was really sorry I stopped myself. The lovely people from Goodwill would have cleaned her up and given her to a nice home, possibly somewhere where they don't INSIST ON BREATHING IN YOUR PRESENCE.

And then something nice happened.

I mentioned that we did, indeed, leave the house for a while this morning. I just had to get Chicky out of the house, if only to legally strap her to a chair for a while. We drove to the one place where you can get legal, mind altering substances at 9:30 in the morning without having to leave the comfort of your car - Dunkin' Donuts - and the man in front of me at the drive-thru paid for my coffee.

I don't know if I was looking particularly hot today - some men like that frazzled Mommy look, with the hair sticking up in weird places and clothes mismatched. But then again some men, okay, a lot of men, search Google for Dog Porn. Eew - but he left enough money at the window to cover my cup of joe.

Now, a woman of rational mind might have thought to leave the couple of bucks she was going to use for her coffee for the next person in line, but I am not that woman. I got so flustered by the unexpected kindness that I muttered something like, "Oh wow, thanks" and then drove off in the wrong direction of my destination. Because I am really good at accepting nice things.

I wish I could say the rest of the day went that nicely but I'd be a lying sack of shit.

(See how I did that? Constipation? Anyone?)

Chicky had three more time outs after we got home. But for one brief shining moment after I took a sip of that gifted Vanilla Latte, life was pretty darn good. And then that moment quickly went away when Chicky threw a Matchbox car at my head.

Bad karma scares the bejeebus out of me so I need to pay this forward soon, like today, or else Chicky is liable to sprout horns, hoofs and bat wings and really do some damage. Any ideas? Or constipation remedies? Please? I'm begging.


Don Mills Diva said...

Well you gave me a laugh today - does that count?

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...


it works in like 5 seconds.

Hey, I didn't promise I wouldn't talk about suppositories on THIS blog.

Greens and Pinks said...

Sometimes I do that at DD, pay for the person behind me. Randomly, just when I think of it. I never would have thought of it on my own, but TWICE someone ahead of me paid my toll on the Mass Pike so I figured what the hell, why not?

And I called my own kid a giant brat yesterday, turns out she has 2 ear infections. I am truly mother of the year.

Girlplustwo said...

um, yeah.

get a sitter. life's too short for this bratty nonsense. and while you are at it, get me a sitter too.

flutter said...

Dude, I am an asshole on wheels when I am all blocked up.

Not that you needed to hear that, but there you have it anyway....but 5 days? Damn, Gina that is one uncomfy kid.

karengreeners said...

donate the matchbox car to a charitable organization.

EUC said...

Mmmm dried apples for everyone! Ok maybe just chickie! MMmm coffee. I haven't had any since I got knocked up (hello, my name is paranoid) and now I really, really want some.

Blog Antagonist said...

Raisins. They are like nature's broom. Nuts, if she'll eat them. Popcorn. Baby carrots. And of course, corn.

But you are probably past all that stuff after five days.

I have to second the suppositiories. 5 seconds is not an exaggeration.

And now I want Starbuck's thankyouverymuch.

Fratzels said...

5 days of blockage is bound to do that to a person. I do believe I'd throw more than a matchbox car.

At least you look hot enough today for someone to buy you a coffee - stick with that all day for a teeny, tiny bit fo silver lining!

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry..but have called my kids 'shits' too!
Oooooh constipation.

yeah the babylax stuff and there is some chocolate stuff in drops that works really well...even on adults!

Rima said...

I've been there, sistaah. I give the V-meister one jar of gerber baby food prunes every single damn day for breakfast before she can even think about her waffles and milk. She also eats Fiber Full fruit bars from Trader Joe's. At one point, when she was SERIOUSLY constipated, our ped told me to give her a spoonful of mineral oil with whatever liquid she was drinking (just mix it in and shake it up, it's tasteless, but very slippery.) I worked like a charm.

Good luck!

Two Shews said...

I fear your karma may already be coming home to roost in the form of an impending impaction for Chicky.

Noise did this when he first started potty training and I had to go in on a recon mission. Buy rubber gloves, mama.

Also? Benefiber. 1 TSP, twice a day, snuck into her milk. You'll have her pooping yet. By the time Noise finally pooped, he was BEGGING for "special pooping sugar."

Alex Elliot said...

Your post had me laughing, Mrs. Chicky. I think I might have to drop both my kids off at the Goodwill box today. That is so cool that some random guy treated you to coffee. If something like that happened to me, I would be convinced that it was some kids in a research methods psych class looking to see how I reacted because I always need to over think everything and then act like a lunatic. I have a tendency to drive off in the wrong direction so that wouldn't be anything new for me!

Bird said...

Prunes or Prune Juice! Works every time...

Julie Pippert said...

You'll have to go out again (sorry). Drug store, get some Miralax. That fixes the poop thing right up.

Maybe you'll see a chance to pay it forward there.

If not, looks like another coffee treat in your future. :)

And hey, do I hear you about the 3s. They kick everyone's rear. People who say not (a) are lying, (b) are saints, or (c) have a master's degree in early childhood development.

Hang in there. It's extra fun to have 3 and 6 at the SAME TIME! I'll send you wine of the month for Christmas then, okay?

Thanks for the doggie support.

I'm having to be the strong one right now. But my heart breaks inside my chest every time I look at him, and he's my shadow all day and can tell I'm upset so keeps nosing me to give me comfort.

A few people have said maybe we want to get a puppy that will I don't know, fix it?

I can't imagine.

He's a one in a million dog anyway.

I begged the doctor to give us three years.

I want that much more at least, and want the kids to remember him clearly.

ewe are here said...

NO more matchbox cars for Chicky, right?

Pitted fruit: plums, peaches, nectarines...

And, well, I called my wee one a little brat this week... in the most endearing way possible, of course. ;-)

motherbumper said...

Pay it forward by calling the local old age home and find out who doesn't get mail or many visitors - and send them a card.

Oh and fresh cherries work great in this household.

Lara said...

pay it forward in some way that feels genuine - don't rush it just because. maybe someday you'll be in a starbucks or peet's or what-have-you coffee house and you'll see a stressed out mom trying to wrangle two small children and you can pay for her coffee. it'll probably feel better that way than just getting rid of it now. :-P

Manic Mommy said...

Grapes for the constipation.

Jump on the Pike and pay for the person behind you (I never do that at the drive-thru - how nice!)to reset your Karma.

My deal with throwing is the next thing that gets thrown, gets thrown out. Matchbox cars are perfect because they're cheap and plentiful.

Manic Mommy said...

Oh, and being able to legally strap her down? Priceless.

Unknown said...

OK, first, I enjoyed this post from beginning to end. Seriously damn funny.

Second, remind me how old Chicky is? Because Declan has constipation constantly. He is 5 and we do the following. So be sure they are age appropriate for her. I am thinking she is 3 or 4 so you probably can do it.

1. Benefiber. In every morning's drink. But this is a long term solution to building fiber.

2. Little Tummys Laxative Drops. This usually gets him to poop within a day.

3. Prune Juice. This doesn't work very well for Declan, but it works for loits of kids, but also not immediate.

4. Glycerin Suppositories. This is the most hateful and dreaded alternative because you have to shove something up their ass. but it usually works within an hour. I have only done this like 3 times in Declan's life, actually. And now that he is older, we really rely on the Little Tummys more when it gets bad.

Good luck! Get the poop on!

kittenpie said...

Next time you leave, smile at a frazzled mom yourself, and buy her a coffee. Compliment something she's wearing that doesn't have jam on it so it seems sincere. You'll make her day.

As to Chicky - you could try some of those lovely old remedies like cod liver oil or seomthing, or try stool softeners if you find kids ones. Or you could wait her out and just back off all pressure for a while. Some kids do withhold like that. If it gets bad, you may find yourself digging her out of her situation... Sorry. I hope it doesn't come to that, but I know ScarbieDoll had to once. Good luck!

SUEB0B said...

One nice thing in an otherwise crap day is better than zero nice things...I had one of those weeks, too.

Childsplayx2 said...

You could make a donation to my YMCA. We serve poor kids. Lots of good karma in that.

Oh, and prune juice... lots of it. (For Chicky, not you)

Anonymous said...

"if only to legally strap her to a chair for a while."

That line was the best line I read today. The snort you gave me paid it forward.

Or just, next time, leave the $ for someone else.

Plums. She probably won't drink prune juice, but plums - yummy.

Julie Marsh said...

Fletcher's Castoria. Tastes like root beer. Works wonderfully.

(Believe me. I know of constipation. All too well.)

And really, I can't blame her. I'm a little shit when I can't take a shit either.

The Amazing Trips said...

One of my three-year-old triplets has been on a poop strike for almost two months. Maybe three. He'll go, but only after holding it for four or five days. There are lots of little poop pellets, but nothing more. I've started giving him Citrucel in his OJ and lots of prunes. I also give him oatmeal every other morning. Just be prepared for some HUGE evacuations.

At least you whispered "Little Shit" under your breath. I actually told that to one of my kids this week. Oh, this age. If I swear it it will be a miracle. I'm still bummed at my lack of control and it happened on Monday.

So, I guess that would make me a big shit who is capable of causing little shits to make their own big shits?? The shit master. That's me.

Donate baby clothes and used toys to a shelter. That's paying it forward big time. And bring them some donuts.

The Amazing Trips said...

(that was supposed to read, if I survive it will be a miracle. This age, I mean. The threes are really kicking my arse.)

Tania said...

That is funny shit! No advice though. said...


Cherry-flavored prunes.

I thought the year between 3 1/2 and 4 1/2 was the absolute worst both times around.

Although 8 1/2 - 9 1/2 is kicking my butt, too. And they can say "shit" under their own breath.

You've paid it forward with the laugh, though. :-)

Sarahviz said...

Benefiber. 1/2 tsp. in her sippy cup. Works like a charm.

That Chicky Baby. You send her over here to this momma with no girls. We can trade for a day, m'kay? You can take your pick of my 3 charming spawn.

Crazed Nitwit said...

You had me laughing out loud. I had two boys and match box cars were everywhere in the house and car so I can picture this so clearly. I have felt the way you did on Friday back when the boys were little but if I had said so someone would have called CPS. No sense of humor in the NW Iinterior.

You pay it forward by entertaining us web parents often. :D

PunditMom said...

I hope you got his license plate number so you can find him for more coffee in the future!

Jeff and Charli Lee said...

"...Chicky threw a Matchbox car at my head."

Suggestions? Yes, start wearing a helmet.

Lawyer Mama said...

I'm with Jen.

Baby. sitter. Do you think you can find someone to keep her until she poos? No? Darn it.

Anonymous said...

I told my child to go play in traffic once. Good thing he's only 18 mos old and has no idea what traffic is.
Um try pear juice, prune juice or miralax for her poopies. Also there is some baby laxative on the market, if you dare.

Anonymous said...

Well, I'm pretty sure you don't want my aSSvice, but since we're such good buddies and I love the Chicky soooo, I'll share.

I use to have to stick my finger up Bug's bum and wiggle. Got the poop going every time.


My life ROCKED.

And no one ever bought me a free damn latte.
Damn it.

Fairly Odd Mother said...

Oh god, constipation---my middle one had it bad at about 18 months---we tried those little suppositories but they'd just squeeze out as she walked around and then I'd find them on the floor a few hours later (yikes!). In our house, grapes are king for getting everything moving. My kids also eat a LOT of apples, and are happily regular. Coffee helps me too, but I don't think you want to give this to Chicky. . .

Good luck!

Lisa said...

Oh my gosh, my son used to be the SAME way when he was constipated. You wonder if their little heads are going to start spilling around and when they stop will projectile vomit pea soup.

But I see in your most recent post she pooped. YEAY for Poop. (In our case it was YEAY for Miralax for a number of years. heehee!)