Thursday, June 29, 2006

Alpha Bitch

Who doesn't like being a bitch from time to time? I certainly wouldn't want to pass up the opportunity to be asked to let my bitch flag fly, so thanks to Jennster for dragging me into this one.

That beeyatch.

Apparently, the point of this is to come up with 20 things that I hate with a fiery passion of 10,000 suns. To narrow the list a bit, and to build upon one of my recent posts, I'm going to make this the 20 things I hate about dog owners (get it? Dogs? Bitch? Ha!). I'll try to keep it as light hearted as I can while still letting out my frustrations in a friendly forum.

deep breath

Okay, here goes nothing...

1. Having a dog means being responsible for that animal. Don't pretend shit doesn't happen, pick up the poop! Gawd, I hate that.
2. I hate owners who insist on letting their dogs wander the neighborhood unleashed. Hey, jackass, if my dog bites yours it won't be my fault because she'll be leashed and licensed and yours will be illegally off-leash and unregistered.
3. "Down" means lie down on the ground and "off" means get your paws off of my chest. I cannot stress this enough. If you keep telling your dog "Down" when you mean "Off" and your dog ignores you, it's your own damn fault that he's confused and he's ruining your good linen pants.
4. Take the dog out of the purse!
5. Stop carrying the dog in your arms!
6. Let the dog walk on the paws that the doggie God gave him and let him retain some dignity.
7. Take the dress off the male dog. Please. I'm begging.
8. If I see another dog tied up in a yard with a long leash attached to a prong collar, I'm calling the ASPCA.
9. If I hear another owner in my class bitch about giving their dog "people food" for treats, but then listen to them tell me about the shitty grocery store dog food they serve their beloved pet I'm going to choke them with some freeze-dried liver.
10. While we're on that subject - and this is more about the dog food makers, distributors, and advertising - if the food has colorful and fun shapes the food is crap. Its the equivalent of serving your kids nothing, and I mean nothing, but tv dinners for their entire lives. Sure, the dog will survive on the food, and your kids could survive on microwave meals, but they wouldn't be getting the nourishment they need. Okay, that's not really hating something, but it offends my sensibilities.
11. Your dog does not need nail polish.
12. The dog park is not a free-for-all. Pay attention to what your dog is doing.
13. If your dog is humping another dog do not stand there and say "Ewww". Take your dog by the collar and remove him (or her - yes, that can happen) from the situation. Its not about sex - unless it really is and that's a different story entirely - so you need to step in to show your dog that it is not appropriate. Think how the other dog feels. C'mon.
14. If your dog is outside, barking his head off, have the decency to take him inside. He's bored and he misses you. And your neighbors are pissed. Don't be that neighbor.
15. Repeat after me - Crate training is a good thing. A crate is not a prison. A crate is not a jail.
16. A dog is not an accessory. Get a dog because he fits with your lifestyle not because he goes well with your wardrobe.
17. Paris Hilton.
18. Just because you have a dog at home does not mean you can let your kid go running and screaming up to my dog. No it is not okay to do that because your kid loves dogs. My dog may not love strange kids.
19. No, it is not okay if your dog loves other dogs, don't let your pooch get all up in my dog's face. See #2.
20. My yard is not your dog's toilet! Pick up the freakin' poop!!

I hope I didn't offend too many people, I could have been a lot bitchier! But I do enjoy being an alpha bitch every once in a while.


Oh shit, I'm supposed to tag others, aren't I? I'm going to tag some other alpha bitches (don't take that the wrong way, ladies. That's a huge compliment in my book.). I tag...

Mother GM
Mom 101
Mama Tulip
Please disregard the tag if you've already done this or if you hate memes.


j.sterling said...

fucking a- who knew you could come up with 20 dog things to bitch about?!?! LMFAO!!!
but seriously. i agree with so many of these AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE A DOG! lol
you are a good sport. i normally don't do these or tag people, but wtf. it was a fun one. lol mrs misfortune started it anyways!

Anonymous said...

I hate when people give strongly female names to male dogs (or cats).

Like FIFI is a GIRL. Sorry.

My bro named his cat Peaches. It's a boy.

Anonymous said...

Mrs. Chicky, I am honored to be an Alpha Bitch. Thank you.

And I loved your list. Every last item on it.

Radioactive Tori said...

Those were right on! I am wishing my next door neighbors would read number 14 as I sit here and listen to their dog bark. Most of the time I don't even notice it anymore, but poor dog!

What's so funny? said...

I wonder what you'd think of my pug. He has a vocabulary the size of my town. And he remembers people's names. And he TELLS me (when asked) if he has to go pee-pee or doo-doo. Don't hate me, I don't want to make your list or anything. I just was curious what you'd make of him, is all. And as for the barking dogs. WTF? Stupid neighbors of mine...

Anonymous said...

Allll right! I'm down with meme's. I'll do this up this weekend.

Seriously, number two really fucking fries me. Ugh. I HATE seeing unleashed dogs. And yes, take the dog out of your purse, take the dress off of your dog and Paris Hilton! *shudders*

Anonymous said...

As a new dog owner, I loved this list! People in my city don't carry their dogs in purses or dress them in little sweaters, but the local mobile grooming service does paint the dogs' toenails-ick!

When you email me about the barking and aggressive protection behavior, could you also recommend a good dog food? Elvis is getting Iam's mini chunks because that's what MIL was feeding him, but he is very thin and I'm concerned he's not getting adequate nutrition.

carrie said...

Lots of good dog advice there, most imppartantly the pooping in other's yard! Gah! That irritates me sooooooo bad! I would never let our "grand doggie" do that, I carry a sack whereever we go (of course, I've never had to use it because he IS so well trained)!

Great post!


Cristina said...

Great meme! I have to confess something. OK, this is really bad. The other day we were out walking our dog and we forgot to bring a baggie with us and she pooped on the sidewalk and we just left it there.

But you know what? Today I was out walking my dog and I stepped in someone else's dog shit.

Karma's a bitch.

Binky said...

I read with some trepidation, fearing I'd find myself on the list somewhere. But, woo hoo, I wasn't there! I always figured I'm a pretty good dog owner, but it's nice to have it reinforced sometimes ;) My major peeve is unleashed dogs, even when their owners are nearby. I don't make many friends at the local park when I call them on it. We have leash laws for a reason.

Nichole said...

I loved this post! I had dogs as a child, but refuse to get another dog until we have a house, a yard, and can provide for a dog that's bigger than a basketball.

So, is the principle the same for cat food? We feed our cat Purina Cat Chow, Indoor Formula...and it's colored. What are your thoughts? New recommendations?

Crunchy Carpets said...

I am printing your list and giving it to all my neighbours with their yappy and untrained pooches.

I am glad all your peeves are the same as mine.

and what is tagging??

Unknown said...

I agree with every one of those! So I don't think you're being bitchy, just honest!!! You speak the truth girl!

Gina said...

I really need to print this out in a word doc and post on my surrounding neighbors' doors in the middle of the night!!! "NOTICE: From dog trainer and specialist..."

Gina said...

Oh, and I agree on the pet food. People that didn't get their pets from breeders usually don't know that getting the expensive stuff contributes to all around good health and extended life.

Unknown said...

Thought you might enjoy this.

Lisa said...

Great list. I hate when people get a dog and then lose interest in the dog. So they stop paying attention to it. And the poor thing gets so lonely and sad. Or they forget to feed it... Grrr!

I worked at the Humane Society as a volunteer. We got so many dogs because people never bothered to train the dog or got tired of taking care of it.And its so sad.

Heather said...

See our dogs are crate trained and my friend keeps telling me it's awful we put them in crates for the day. Our dogs go excitedly to their crates when we leave for work (and it's not every day, most days they roam free). They have a cookie and rawhide to chew, and when we open the door to let them out they often look like "geez, I was having fun... do I really have to leave??"

I'm thankful we didn't make your list.

Anonymous said...

heather, next time anyone complains that you use crates, ask them where they put their baby (or will put their baby) to sleep. How is a crib or a playpen any different from a crate?

MrsFortune said...

A-fucking-men to #12. I can't and won't take my dog anymore because of people who don't watch their dogs. Growling over balls is not just fun play. Dogs are posessive. Manage your dog. Cheese and Rice. Okay. I'm done now.

Anonymous said...

I think I'm going to print out your list and post it in my neighborhood, and by neighborhood I mean on my neighbor's front door. Amen to them all, especially the leash one. It's one of my 20 things too.

Mom101 said...

I'm so with you on the nailpolish, not just for dogs but for 3 year old girls. Go ahead, let me have it.

I'm not rejecting your tag; I did this last week disguised as 10 things I hate. Like a game of operator, I'm sort of wondering who went and doubled the hatred between then and now!

Chicky Chicky Baby said...

Soleclaw - I am not the person to ask about cat nutrition. Unfortunately, my cats are second class citizens in my house. Maybe its because they're independent and pretty self-sufficient, but I don't stress over them as much as my dogs. Sorry!

Her Bad Mother said...

Alpha Bitches rock. You go!

Suburban Turmoil said...

Verrry funny! I have many of the same gripes!

SUEB0B said...

Dr. Jean Hofve is an animal nutritionist I have heard on the radio. Here is a link to one of her articles:

She has recipes on there for making your own pet food from people food, too...but I am too squeamish about cooking meat and too lazy.

Kevin Charnas said...

oh man do i know these ones...amen.

Anonymous said...

Ooh, good list. I don't have a dog, but I think a lot of the things you talk about sound like common sense -- unfortunately, it does seem that a lot of dog owners (and people in general) are lacking said common sense. Sigh...

Sandra said...

Ya for Alpha Bitches. And do dogs really wear nail polish?!?!

Anonymous said...

Excellent list all through, but for number fourteen especially, I have one thing to say: THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! Now will you go talk to a couple of my neighbors about this one??? Because we've tried to do so with little improvement. said...

oh god...oh god...thank you for this.

Can I add one? Don't let your dog run up to me or my kids and yell out from 20 feet away, "Don't worry, he's friendly!" and I promise I won't let my kids run up to you and wipe grape jam on your pants.

If I want your dog to touch me, I'll let you know. I promise.

Again, thank you, thank you, thank you.

The Domesticator said...

Amen, sista! As a former dog owner, I can agree with just about everything on your list.Pick up the poop...I love it!

Liberal Banana said...

Woo hoo - I'm so proud of myself that I knew all of those already, minus the dog food one. Which I will learn soon enough, once I have my own pup to feed! (I volunteer with dogs but don't have to feed the darlings myself!) We did dog-sit over the weekend and as soon as our doggie charge started his first hump, we yanked him off and left. He's gotta learn that it's NOT OKAY! Anyway, great list - thanks for educating people about this stuff!

nonlineargirl said...

Your #20 is my #1 most hated thing about dog-owners.

ms blue said...

We were recently in the situation where one dog was humping another male dog. The dog owner scolded "Don't hump boys" and Strawberry decided to repeat that! Oh how that is a valuable lesson for her to remember in her teen years.

Anonymous said...

Haha, I think i might have to bring out my alter ego Pissta again and list more things I hate. I am loving everyones hate.

Nap Queen said...

Thank you for this post. I am so militant about #2 it's unreal. I have a rescued Heeler that doesn't like most other dogs and I HATE it when people let their dogs run up to her and say, "Don't worry, my dog is sooooo sweet." Well, that's great and all, but MINE isn't.

Also, thanks for the verification that crating isn't evil. We crate our dogs when we're not at home, and I feel like certain people judge me which makes me feel like a horrible dog mom. They love their crates, and deep down I know it's fine, but I'm insecure I guess.

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