Tuesday, June 20, 2006

A mother's revenge

I don't know what I did to deserve you guys but I think I may have stumbled into the most kick ass group of women (and men) in the blogosphere. I thank you for all your kind words in regards to my last post and for not drawing mustaches and devil horns on the picture I posted. You'll never know how stressed out I was after hitting the 'Publish Post' button. You all made this Mama's weekend.


Now that I'm finished gushing...

Could someone please tell me what the hell is going on with teenage fashion these days. Because what passes for clothing for the 13 to 18 year old set is enough to make a stripper blush.

Let me share with you the situation that raised my ire: There I was, driving through one of the local neighborhoods this afternoon when I came upon a group of girls - I'd say they were around 14, but who can tell these days? - waiting to cross the road at a stop light. I think they were wearing enough fabric between the six of them to make a nice pair of pants for Chicky Baby. Capri pants. And the makeup! Enough to make Tammy Faye Bakker say "Oh my Christ on the cross that's a lot of God damned makeup." What parent lets their kid out of the house looking like that?

This was all swirling around in my brain as I waited for the light to turn green.

And that is when my reality kicked me in the back of the head.

If you're playing along at home and you're nodding your head vehemently to what I have just spewed, then you my friend are a Parent. Or you have parental tendencies. And I don't know about you, but I'm a little freaked out by my passionate reaction to a group of girls and the clothing they chose (not) to wear. When did I become that woman? That mom? The one who tsk tsks teenage fashion? The one who says "That poor girl should really wear a jacket. Its only 55 degrees outside, she'll catch her death."? The one who wishes her 19 year old neighbor would pull up his pants and wear something besides baggy cargos, a wife beater and sideways baseball cap? Somebody tell me where this woman came from. And while you're at it could you tell me how to get the stick out of her ass. I mean really... What's next?

I know what's next and its not pretty. Soon I'll be criticizing their music. Just shoot me now please.

It doesn't seem that long ago that I was that teenage girl spending summers at my girlfriend's house. You know, the one with the older sister with the cool wardrobe? I went to her house because my mom wouldn't let me wear the Dr. Scholl's clogs (you'll twist your ankle and break your leg) and the painted on Jordache jeans. She hated that I wore makeup - and, to be fair, I really did look bad in blue mascara - and I poofed my hair within an inch of its life (I still weep, to this day, over the hole that I single handedly created in the ozone layer with my ever present can of AquaNet). So off I went to my friend's house to pilfer her sister's clothes when the sister wasn't looking. My girlfriends and I would tart ourselves up, flip up the collars of our shirts, attached appropriate bandanas to strange places, and head out to... I can't remember where the hell we were going. The playground to hang out with the 15 year old boys, maybe? McDonald's? Where ever it was, it was imperative that we looked as much like french whores, or Madonna, as possible.

We thought it was cool to draw looks from passing cars. We would count the number of car horns that would beep at us and we acted surprised at seeing the leering face of the older men who made the offending noises. We were too cool to play basketball with the boys when dressed as we were, even though each of us were hardcore athletes. Wouldn't want to get sweaty, that might ruin the hair.

I can remember this all so well. I can remember the disgusted look on my mom's face when she came to pick me up a little earlier than expected and caught me looking like I was about to audition for a Whitesnake video. She would yell and scold and I would yell back "You don't remember what its like to be young!".

Ah, but she did. Didn't she?

Now I have a daughter and when I see those young girls with their asses peaking out from beneath their shorts (butt cleavage!) I see my life flash before my eyes. That was me once and one day there's a good chance that will be my daughter. She's going to sneak out to the mall and purchase barely there tank tops and skirts with her birthday money and then hide them in the back of her closet. She'll then take the contraband and stuff it in her school bag to change into when I'm not looking. And then people on the street will see my child in the latest fashion trend influenced by MTV and they'll say to themselves "Why would any mother let her child leave the house like that?". And there's not a damn thing I can do to stop it. On the occasions when my mother was particularly pissed off at me for what I wore or what I did - that would have been every other week - she would yell "I hope you have a daughter just like you one day." Damn.

You don't think there's a chance that flannel and baggy jeans will come back into style, do you?


Irreverent Antisocial Intellectual said...

The IAI is nodding, nodding so hard her head might become disengaged from her neck.

I, too, was guilty of the blue mascara (and eye shadow and liner on blue eyes) with the pink lip gloss (frosted) and the overly teased hair. Lemme tell you, I fought hard for my spot in the bathroom mirror before school - you know, where all the "good girls" transformed into sluts before the first bell? Sheesh. Then, finally, I went prep (flat hair and minimal make-up) and then morphed into black lipstick, white face girl. Ah, the 80's to 90's were such a tumultous time.

Anyway, after spending time in the slutorama bathroom (3rd floor, east side of the building - follow the cig smoke and the White rain hairspray smell), I realized there were two types of girls - the good ones who dressed slutty to fit in and be cool and slutty ones who were cool. So, were we trying to emulate the slutty ones? Yup. Did that mean we put out with anyone blaring "Pour Some Sugar On Me"? Not me, so I wound up going the preppy route (we were just people who did too much making out and tried not to put out for Peter Gabriel songs).

So, basically, this longwinded comment is just to say ... self-expression (or crowd following) is one thing and we'll let the Genius Child do it ... within reason. Orange eye shadow and a shaved head? Sure. Ass cleavage from booty shorts that read "I take it up here", hell no.

And then I hope, like me, she'll stop off at the convenience store bathroom on the way home and roll down the uniform skirt and try and wipe off the extra make-up before walking in the front door.

Sorry for the hijack comment - great post, Mrs. Chicky!

Anonymous said...

I really didn't wear hoochie mama clothes, but I know my goth garb embarrassed both of my parents. The objective was the same though: attract attention.

And I have been doubly punished for my teenage transgressions. I have two daughters.

Christina said...

Ah yes, I remember those days. But thinking back, although we did dress slutty, at least we were covered. We knew how to show it all off without actually showing it, ya know?

There I go, being all mom again. The current trend of practically no clothing would never have gone over back when we were kids. Do I think flannel and baggy jeans will come back into style? They'll have to - at the current rate, the next fashion trend will be fig leaves. Fashion's got to go somewhere after that.

(Oh, and I guess I'm one step past you in momhood - I'm already saying, "will you turn that music down!")

motherbumper said...

Ah yes Mrs. Chicky, that day has come, that day has come (slowly shaking her head in sad agreement). Our Mom's said it would happen and here we are. I bitched about the low rise jeans in my post yesterday but you have posted a far better statement then I could create. I need to know where you got that photo of my family though - that was taken before I gave Bumper a hair cut. I'll send you a more recent one!

Anonymous said...

I had my fair share of hoochie clothes - however, they were tight jean shorts (and short sometimes, and tank tops)... and I was like 18.

The pussy cat dolls and all of our other supposed "role models" Cough BRITNEY Cough don't help matters. I LOATHE all the crappy stylized clothes for 2 years olds. OY. Drives me batty.

Anonymous said...

The hair is hilarious!! I remember those days...Baggy jeans are in, I think I mean, those rappers wear them!

Radioactive Tori said...

Blue mascara! I love this post! I completely agree! I have turned into "a mom"! Yikes!

Anonymous said...

this post cracked me up! I sooo remember aquanet!! The smell of that stuff will forever be plastered in my nasal cavity! I never dressed half naked, I was a bean pole and prefered to cover up the bones. But I did do really BIG HAIR in junior high! 8th grade year we had a teacher who measured everyone's hair and we would get extra credit! My bangs were 5 3/4 inches long! I always came in 2nd place!

Bea said...

Where where WHERE did you find that photo? Please tell me it's your family. (Or is it just what pops up when you Google bad '80s hair?)

I was just living this post too - I was out for dinner with hubby and shocked by the tiny tight little black outfits worn by all the waifish blonde teenage waitresses, thinking "I wouldn't want the Pie working here! What are her parents thinking?"

Mama of 2 said...

Thanks for the walk down memory lane...it's nice to know that I wasn't the only girl doing all the things you mentioned here.

Now exactly how to we stop our daughters from doing the same? LOL!

Stacy said...

I can't believe what teenagers are wearing these days either. It's pretty scary what parents let their kids out of the house looking like. Butt cleavage aint even the worst of it. I saw some pictures of my niece's prom and the dresses were so trashy. Ugh, I am so not looking forward to those days with my little girl.

Anonymous said...

I never wore hoochie mama clothes but I did go for shock value -- tattoos, shaved head, piercings, vibrant hair dye, partying...that sort of thing. God help me -- I see so much of myself in Julia.

MrsFortune said...

I never owned any hoochie clothes, honestly. But the worst thing is these kinds of clothes are the only ones they manufacture these days. What gets me is those fucking pants with the words across the butt. Who wants to attract that much attention to their ass? Hey, I do figure, however, these girls are going to spend the rest of their lives self-conscious and ashamed of their bodies, why not let them have that one fleeting year where they show it off? er something.

Anonymous said...

While I hate what passes for fashion these days (these days? I said "these days"? Shoot me now, please) I can't help but recall those super duper short little dresses that the Brady Bunch girls used to wear. I mean they were up to their butts and to my knowledge, nobody thought anything of it. Someone please explain that!

Cristina said...

I must be a parent too because I'm with you! These kids are dressing WAY too provocatively...and the make-up! The thing that gets me the most is when I know the parents condone it. There's a place at the mall where I live where parents bring their 9-10 year old daughters to have their make-up done. When they come out, they look like street hookers. It's horrible!

mo-wo said...

That 80's jpg is too priceless.

And you know I grew up in a weird fishing village here on the Canadian West Coast where Flannel mac jackets and jeans will never go out of style...

yes I will try to get some new material.

Anonymous said...

Please tell me that picture is of you and your family because it is PRICELESS. Wow. I can feel the nostaligia from here.

Fellow ex-French Whore

Miguelita said...

The picture, my GOD, the hair!!!

Of course, I could have been their sister, as mine was jacked up almost as high. I tended toward the preppy in my clothes though. So while everyone else's mom wanted them to put a sweater ON, mine was wondering why I needed so many layers - all collars flipped up of course.

I see those same teenage girls and it makes me so happy I have boys.

Chicky Chicky Baby said...

IAI - I totally expect that my child will push the boundaries. And we won't encourage it, but we certainly won't stomp her rhyme, if you know what I mean. Oh, the frosted pink lipstick. Yikes.

MGM - Goth chick, eh? You are so screwed when your daughters grow up. :)

Christina - Ah yes, I can see the runways of Milan now... Fig leaves everywhere.

MB - I'm expecting that picture in my inbox today, lady.

MU - I'm up for a PCD bonfire anytime you'd like.

Mrs. Mogul - Baggy jean are in, but only if you let most of your thong show.

Chicky Chicky Baby said...

RG - yes, blue masacara... and green, too. What the hell was I thinking?

FlipFlop Mama - Yes, I too was a bean pole so layers were very important to me too.

Bub's mom - Yep, that's my family. I have a little sister too, but she's hiding in my mom's hair. Kidding! That's what you find when you Google bad 80's hair.

Mama of 2 - If I knew I could make millions.

J's Mom - yes, the cut out prom dresses. Why do they want to look like a 45 year old divorcee?

Mama Tulip - Really?! You were hardcore, lady.

Mrs. Fortune - too true. But seeing a 16 year old with 'Juicy' stamped across her ass is better than seeing a 40 year old with cellulite wear it.

Izzy - ah, those were simple times.

MofR - it will be a cold day in hell when I drop my 9 year old off to get her makeup done.

Mo-Wo - where is this village exactly, because I'm thinking of relocating.

Jenny - WooHoo! Another ex-French Whore.

Michelle - Don't rub the boy thing in too much. I'm sure you've got your work cut out for you too. ;)

Heather said...

I've always been a tomboy, never really into the makeup and that crap, but I live now and grew up in a place were the height of one's bangs are of biologial significance and remember it well.

Like moose in the wild, bangs play a role in mating in the 'shwa. Say, for example, two moose are vying to mate with a female. Inevitably, the moose with the bigger antlers wins.

It's the same for women in the 'shwa: the one with the tallest, most teased and cemented bangs wins the guy over people like me who have no bangs to speak of, or those with bangs of a shorter height. Larger bangs on a woman in the 'shwa make it more likely they'll win the male (who often sports a mullet).

Kevin Charnas said...

oh boy do I remember these days...AND i realized i was getting old when i started bitching about the kids wearing their pants so low...i didn't know they could go lower...but they did.

Lisa said...

I know what you mean. These young chicks freak me out with the skanky clothes. I don't know what I would do if I had a daughter that age.

But my guess is that alot of parents don't know their daughters are wearing that sort of stuff...

Kristin said...

if karma is truly my master, i am in for a bumpy ride.

Her Bad Mother said...



nodding nodding nodding.

(I am so so so afraid of my future as a mother of a daughter. A willfull daughter. OMG.)

(Am also afraid of that picture. Mullet family? So afraid.)

carrie said...

I really hope that the trends go waaaaaay back to those days of covering yourself up with rather large tents before my daughter becomes clothing independent!!!

Either that, or I am moving to Fairbanks, Alaska!


Sandra said...

Oh man. I turned into "that" mom about a year ago while watching my neighbour's kid. And I could be a bit of a hoochie as a teen too. It seems to get worse and worse. But we can always pray for flannels to return.

Mom101 said...

I am alternately nodding and crying.

I'll skip flannels and settle for amorphous peasant shirts over jeans. That's still cute, right?

Debbie said...

I am currently relieved like crazy that I have a male child. However, I totally lived the hoochy life for awhile, and have a few cringe-worthy snaps for evidence. ew.

I don't see a lot of hoochy pre-teens 'round here, but it rains a lot and I think the young 'uns are afeared of getting rainwater down their collective asscrack. well, it's a theory, anyway. (or I just live in the wrong neighborhood for those kinds of sightings.)

SUEB0B said...

I went the hippie route. See-through silk tops, braless of course...I was a counter-culture teen slut.

LOVE THAT HAIR FAMILY PHOTO! Including the baby. So great.

Ruth Dynamite said...

I just read this post after arguing with my 7-year old daughter about what she was wearing for her last day of school - the day all the parents come to school and celebrate their year. Suffice it to say - I'VE ALREADY LOST THIS BATTLE! Someone...help me please.

Anonymous said...

Oh yes, I did a double take when I heard myself give some teens the once-over and snottily muttered to my husband, "I can't believe they're out in public with those clothes." Then I tugged at the waist of my girdle panties, fixed my dentures, and pulled off my granny glasses on a chain.

Liberal Banana said...

I heard a joke once recently saying that with today's fashions, how can you tell who's an actual hooker anymore?!? It must be hard for them to get work because they have to say, "No, see, I'm an ACTUAL hooker! HELLO?!? You want some? Because I WILL GIVE IT TO YOU IF YOU PAY ME!" (I'm paraphrasing, but you get the idea.)

I'm only 26 and don't have kids and I'm STILL shocked at what "kids" today are wearing. When I've gone back to visit my high school (sadly, I'm still in love with my economics teacher), I wonder how much work it must be for these girls to get ready for classes each day. No thanks!

kittenpie said...

The picture is totally disctracting me. That was hilarious. But on the topic - yeah, back in the day there was spandex, but usually not quite so butt-baringly short. There were crop tops, but usually not tight and skimpy at the same time. And I think the skank look was adopted a little older, wasn't it? I was never one of these anyway, but I still remember my mom freaking out over one short skirt I wore. She had no idea how good she had it with a shy daughter!

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