Friday, April 28, 2006

But the online dating thing is going so well...

SOM* seeking similar for conversations about diapers and sippy cups and Hollywood romances, long walks with the babies in their strollers, and occasional frantic telephone calls. Must love dogs, sitting on the front porch sipping coffee (with or without dogs but definitely with babies), bitching about husbands or significant others, and gossip. A sarcastic sense of humor and sharing information on babysitters a plus. Super Moms need not apply.

Why is it so difficult to find another Mom friend that I can feel comfortable with? I know they're out there... Women, like me, who have young children at home who are looking for another person to share stories and frustrations over a cup of coffee or glass of wine (not that I'm advocating drinking in front of the kiddies. No, I would never do that.) I have dreams of finding that perfect person who I can call out of the blue to come over and visit. That one woman whom I feel comfortable letting in my house without cleaning it first. Ultimately, I'd like to find two or three women like that, but since I don't want to get greedy I'll be happy with just the one. So where are they?!

The fact of the matter is they are out there so the person I should be blaming is myself. I belong to a Mother's Group full of delightful women that any self-respecting person would be happy to have as acquaintances, but everytime I start to get close to one I feel myself pulling away. All of a sudden I feel like I'm 17 again:

Ooh, should I call little Susie's Mom and have the two of them come over for Goldfish crackers and apple juice? No, I just saw her two days ago, don't want to seem too eager. She probably has a life of her own. I don't want her to think I'm desperate.

What about Johnny's Mom? I could call her and ask if they would like to come with us on a walk. But then I'd have to call Emma's Mom and Madison's Mom, because I wouldn't want them to feel left out. Doesn't Emma's nap schedule conflict with Chicky Baby's. Damn, can't remember. The hell with it, I'll just take Chicky out by myself.

I talk myself out of Mommy dates like that at least a few times a week. What if I seem too desperate? What if they find out I'm a spaz? What if we strike up a friendship and then find we have little in common other than or kids? New friendships are hard at any age, but when you're my age and you have a kid they seem almost impossible. Work, spouses, family commitments, and life in general get in the way far too often. Knowing all of this you'd think I would put forth a bit more effort, but after running behind my daughter all day I barely have enough energy left over to feign interest in the Hubby's day. Fostering a new friendship? I'm tired just thinking about it. I want it to be effortless, simple. I want to make that connection with someone. Then again I'd also like to win the lottery, but you've got to buy a ticket to be in contention.

I'm making a pact with myself, join in if you'd like. I'm going to start trying to connect with some of these Mom's that I've met and try to start the sisterhood ball rolling. Starting next week. We all met as a group yesterday, so I don't want to seem too needy.

*Stressed Out Mama


Stacy said...

I wrote about the same exact thing a few weeks back. I am looking for a mommy soulmate, too! Where do you live? I am so there!!

I have friends from high school and friends from work, but none of them really want the same things I do. Someone to call more than once every two weeks. Someone to ask how MY day was. Someone to complain to about what an ass my husband is and not make me feel bad about it. Someone to pick me up when I'm down and say, "let's go dancing." Where is that person for me?

Are you her?

Blog Antagonist said...

It's hard to make friends when you're a grownup, cause stuff that would never have crossed our minds as kids, can be deal breakers now.

I hear ya, and I sympathize. I had a really good Mommy friend, but then they moved to the other side of the city, which, around here, might as well be the other side of the moon.

My other very bestest friend was my sister, and she moved back to Wisconsin the traitor.

Hope you find that perfect Mommy friend.

Lisa said...

*found your site through Kristin's*

Just wanted to say that this post sounds so much like me. Making good friends seems so hard now! And, like you, I find myself not calling people for the same reasons.

Excellent post!

Cristina said...

Love this post! I belong to a mommy group that is really great, but I also wish I had just one really really good mommy friend. I had one and she moved to Denver many states away from me. I still feel sad thinking about all the things we could be doing together.

I hope you find those 1 or 2 mommies out there that you can feel comfortable with. I'd say let's meet up, but I'm way out in CA. :)

tracey clark said...

God, my mom-friend group started meeting once a week and then like 3 times and sometimes more. I swear I talk to one of them a dozen times a day if need be. LIFELINES! Just put yourself out there and do it. Chances are they're as desperate and spazy and eager as you are. Aren't we all?

Christina said...

I've been looking for moms I can relate to as well. I haven't even found any moms groups here yet, although I admit I could probably put a little more effort into it.

I'd also like to find a few moms I can meet with on a one-to-one basis, hang out, gossip, and generally be comfortable around.

I wish all my blog friends lived closer.

Anonymous said...

I want a mommy friend too...:(

Sandra said...

I loved that post. Loved it.

It is so much harder to make a friend as a grown up. I was in an amazing Mommy's group and had some wonderful friends. There are 2 that are still a big part of my life. Now that my son is in school with a whole new group of kids and moms (who all already seem to know each other) I feel like a nerdy, awkward, needy preteen again.

Anonymous said...

I hear ya! I found some great local mommy groups on, but I'm not interested in elaborate playdates with 25 moms and kids EVERY week. I would love one or two moms with kids around my own kids ages, to do outings or at home activities once a week, just to chat, or bake, or just play with the kiddos. Wish I could help you, but I live in CA too.

Kristin said...

oh my lord... this brings back memories! she's out there... you just have to keep going to all the stupid park days until you find her!

Anonymous said...

Why don't you live near me?! *stomps foot!* it would be so fun - no stress - just good're not a spaz..i have so been there...great post!

Ashley said...

hey!! you and i could really get along!! it is too bad that we aren't neighbors!!! i do the exact same things. i'm always thinking i'm calling too much and then i'll think "well, i'm not calling them b/c they never call me" (how 7th grade is that) or i'll get self conscious b/c i live in jeans and tshirts and everyone else seems to dress so nice so i assume they won't want to be seen with me (which sadly is true of many people who live near me). it is really a psychological problem that i have!!

what's so funny about all this is i bet almost every stay at home mom feels the same way we do. if we could all just get over it, we might actually be happier and make a few life long friends in the process. plus we could make some friends for the little ones too!

Table4Five said...

It is hard to put yourself out there, isn't it? I met my best friend at Mothers Of Preschoolers and have managed to KEEP her as a friend for five years now. But, sadly enough, she's my only real-life friend besides my husband and sister-in-law. With three kids, I just don't have that much time. I hope to get back into MOPs this fall and maybe I'll find another friend!

Heather Bea said...

I know what you mean, everytime I decide that I am going to finally get "involved" with a group of mommies I get all nervous like it is my first day of school and everyone will hate me. Boy, I need to get over that soon.

The Domesticator said...

You certainly aren't the only one who feels this way. It took me a few years to find a GREAT mommy friend. I think we realized we had more in common than just our kids. And I do think that is important. Now I am leaving her and moving 800 miles away and my fear is that I will not meet someone like her again....You might find it a little easier to meet other mom's when your litle one goes to school. Hang in there!!!

Anonymous said...

Awwww...I so know how you feel. Did you ever read my post asking where all the cool moms are? They don't even have to be cool; just not all uptight and status- conscious like most of the SAHM's around here seem to be. My two best friends live so far away... I talk to them on the phone a lot but like you, I want someone to HANG OUT with.

Beth said...

I totally feel ya' on this one. I'm always wishing I had a friend like you described. Like the ones I had back in high school. The ones who knew everything about you, and still liked you. Who you could call and say "Hey, what are you doing? I'm coming over." And they'd be cool with that.

Luckily, I've got two sisters that live close. We all have that kind of relationship. I just wish I could find it with someone whom I didn't share DNA with.

mo-wo said...

Why can't you find them?

We are all indoors blogging.

But seriously, yep Mrs. Chicky I hope you do score a good Mommy pal. I -- obviously -- loved your line about having them over without even cleaning up! Live peer support is really great. I didn't really hook up with anyone until my first daughter was 4 mos or so and even then I had all the tension in our apt descriptions here. With #2 I have a really HOT maternity list, I am psyched. Cause you do feel weird mixing a cocktail at 2 pm on a weekday afternoon without an accomplice.

Anonymous said...

I think you should go for it. More than likely - whomever you call will be really glad that you did! If you are the one who starts with being open and honest - it will catch on. And having your kids in common can be enough. The rest will come.

kittenpie said...

I so hear you. It seems like all the moms either have an already-best-friend who happens to have had a child at the same time, or are already cliqued up. I've always been too shy to know how to join a group.

I have high hopes that once we take over the main floor of our house and actually have some space we could entertain in, that we can at least start inviting over neighbours once in a while. We actually have some nice neighbours, we just never see them. sigh.

And while one of my good friends is still around, the one who is married and works with kids and is generally more of a kindred spirit has moved out of the city (traitor!).

ms blue said...

I so need to place an ad too. Our cool neighbors with children the same age as ours moved to another province. Most of our friends don't have children so I am desperate to find another SOM.

Husband still gets plenty of invites to boy’s nights out. People without children tend to think that mothers are too tied down or preoccupied to have a life. This is not true. We need these stereotypes to vanish! (Whoops, sorry to go off the deep end.)

Mom101 said...

I hope this doesn't come out the wrong way, but it can get so easy to be sucked into the blog/message board/online world that your "friends" take precedence over your friends. Get out there, mama. It will do you good.

Ashley said...

1st of all...mom101--(this is my personal opinion of course) that comment is of no help whatsoever.

but reply to your comment about seeing your husband's ex--what makes it even better is when she is sporting a backpack purse that officially went out of style 10 years ago. it makes me smile...

Anonymous said...

Call them!

Gina said...

I don't have time to read the prev comments, but every mommy is desparate in one way or another. Call someone! Now while you are thinking about it. Ideas or people don't pop in your head for no reason... just do it when it comes to mind. You'll be happy you did. And who cares if the other moms were not called too. People understand that you don't want to call a phone tree 5 min before a quick walk. And if they don't, be happy you didn't call them first.

MrsFortune said...

God, this is something I am sooooo nervous about as BOB's arrival draws nearer! I am just like you, I'd talk myself out of calling anybody like, 10 times a week. Gah! Okay, so I'll try and overcome it with you. Or something.

SUEB0B said...

Making friends as an adult is hard but not impossible. It does take initiative though...getting through that first phone call is haaaard.

My whine is that as a non-mom, my friends disappear when they have children and never seem to think of somebody without kids as having much hang-out potential.

I guess they assume we won't be able to relate to them anymore, and they are afraid when we get together we won't be able to handle the shrieking, the mess, the chaos...and its true our relationship will be different and our conversations certainly more fragmented, but we can still be friends, can't we? Sigh.

Tori said...

This is so funny.... I feel you pain. When I moved here from the UK, I used to push that stroller around trying to run into people with kids. I knew noone! I found two great catches this way.. One when I was pregnant with #3 and I had just got my pregnant self stuck in the kids Rocket Ship play structure, she was very funny and we talked in the shade about how we couldn't wait till we could have cocktails again... that would be Kristin...
The other - another Brit import - was delightful after my two year old bit her kid on the arm at a Halloween Carnival... instead of death staring me and threatening to sue, she said "Oh don't worry - mine do it all the time..."
They are out there. Keep looking and don't worry if they don't quite fit the bill. Build up your rolodex - have friends for different occasion. Then you are sure to find the all-rounder since she may be a friend of a friend or someone's sister...

Julie Marsh said...

I feel so fortunate to have an online friend turned IRL friend here in CO. It has made the transition infinitely easier.

I had one of those mommy soulmates - Mayberry Mom - our older girls are less than a week apart in age, went to the same school since they were infants, our husbands became friends, and we all lived less than a block apart. Not to mention the fact that Mayberry and I rode the bus into the city together nearly every morning and got along famously.

Then they had to go and move to Mayberry when the girls were almost two. And then we moved to CO a year later, so I don't even see her when she goes back to NY on business.

And I've posted myself about the difficulties I've had making friends here. It's hard enough to find someone with whom you click well enough to pursue a friendship, let alone to make time to grow that friendship. But that's what it takes.

Bridgermama said...

Wow, I am amazed by how much you sound like me!!! Crazy! I have written so many similar posts regarding this very subject. I had all but given up, when I decided to give it one more try. I flipped out!

I set up about 4 1-on-1 (2-on-2 if you count the bubs) mama dates a week, for two weeks. I made myself go and out of those I met a few mamas I consider good friends today. I stopped giving a fuck what people thought of me. It was obvious this worked with some and really turned off others. I guess it was good to weed out the weirdos (I say "weirdos" because you have to be one not to just love me!) early, rather than faking it and breaking it off later.

I must admit I hated it at the beginning and certainly don't want to do it again, but it was worth every awkward moment. The offspring were a nice distraction. If the conversation seemed to drag, we could always turn to ooing and awing over the wee ones. Then after a few couple successful dates, the really lovely friends I met didn't feel like an effort anymore. I wanted to call and hang out (and get tipsy on some occasions). If I can do it so can you! I started from scratch, knew absolutely no one in the area, and had sworn off the mama group thing. Most of my dates evolved through blogging. Does your area have a website for mamas? We have a frickin' amazing one out here You seriously could start something like this!

I need to stop babbling! You get the idea. :)

If you lived in my area, we would totally be the best of mommy friends.

Anonymous said...

I have a hard time - and I'm so glad I found this post. I wish my internet friends were here so we could all have a kickass blog playgroup.

However, they are not, and I'm left to deal with not-my-type military moms who I have to call 12 times to get together with - and even then it's just for my kid.

So, I blog, take my daughter to a couple mom/baby classes and a swim class and call it a day. I get all the socializing I need right here online.

Let me just add that IF I lived in a place where I could find like-minded moms, I would totally be right on that. But, we do what we can with what we have.

Carolyn S. said...

I was wondering about the whole mommy social angst issue yesterday. I took the day off from work and found myself yearning for a play date. Instead, we went to the park.

We ended up leaving one park and went to another b/c the mommy cliques were too intimidating at the one. I didn't even realize this world existed for SAHMs. I hope you find a local SAHM in the same boat. In the meantime, I'd love to be your online friend.

Cassandra3383 said...

Honey, try checking out webdate_dot_com...there are plenty of cute girls in there who will be more than willing to take care of your boo-boos!

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