*Dong Dong* ? *Doink Doink*? *Bong Bong*?

Let's say you live in a house near a wooded area and that house - and wooded area too, duh - are in a cool climate experiencing a cold, rainy spring. And you're going a bit stir crazy because you've been spending too much time in the house due to cold. And rain. And because you're a bit of a hermit. So you while away much some of that time staring out the windows and sighing.

Still with me?

So let's also say, while staring out the windows, you've noticed some strange activity going on near the woods - Cars parked outside your house, people walking into the woods, often alone, on those aforementioned cold, rainy days, and you're pretty sure they're not going hiking. Mainly because they're not wearing appropriate walking-in-the-rain clothes but also because they look a little shady. But what do you know? You only leave the house when you absolutely need to so the only "shady" you know is from Law and Order. [insert sound effect here]

Following so far?

Also, cars are driving into the woods at odd hours of the night and you know, at least you're pretty sure from previous experience *cough-usedtogoparkinginthewoods-cough*, they're not going out there to party. They drive in and then drive out fairly soon after, and then another car drives in and out and then another. Lather, rinse, repeat.

(Note to self: Wash hair tomorrow.)

(Big day tomorrow, chicklets. Big.)

(Washing my hair aaaand... That's about it.)

(BIG)

And you really wish they would stop doing this because instead of standing at the window with your nose pressed to the glass you could be watching reality television sleeping acting like a 36 year old instead of an 86 year old doing something productive that would require you to not be attached to the window.

And then, on a particularly cold and a very rainy day, you happen to see a young man pull up in his car and park in front of your house. He gets out, pulls up the hood of his sweatshirt and walks into the woods. Interesting. This is after a night of in and out and in and out (the cars, you pervs, this has nothing to do with what was going on inside the house). Pretty soon after he walks out and back toward his car, possibly holding something but you can't tell because the windows are fogged up from pressing your nose to the glass it's pretty far away and you need glasses need glasses.

Then he gets into another car that you hadn't noticed because you momentarily tore yourself away to attend to your children. They, the young man (who couldn't have been more than 18) and the driver of the new car, sit for a minute then drive off only to return 15 minutes or so later. Not that YOU WERE COUNTING OR ANYTHING.

So you get your camera and start taking pictures. Evidence is always good right? Proof that you're not a crazy old bat is better.

You don't want to be that person. You know? That person? The one who ruins the fun of the local youth, but these comings and goings are a little suspicious and they're happening too close to home. Literally.

Do you do anything or do you just chalk it up to watching too much Law and Order and start getting out of the house more?

Obsess much?

I recently spoke with Early Intervention to schedule that appointment for Chicky's I-don't-know-if-she's-speech-delayed, but-she-could-be-oh-my-scrod-she-could-be, but-she-might-not-be-and-I'll-look-like-a-schmuck, but-what-the-hell-it's-covered-by-insurance appointment. Did you know they send a team to your house evaluate your kid? A team?? As in more than one?? So it's not just one person who will think I'm a raving lunatic but I'll have a full audience of people to witness my psychotic break when they tell me my child is fine.

Oh, that's wonderful - hee hee! - I'm so sorry to make you come all the way out here - hee hee! - You were so good to take time out of your busy schedules of taking care of real kids with problems to indulge my panic attacks - hee hee!

No, no, I didn't mean problems - hee hee! - but issues. No! Not issues but very fixable delays - hee hee! - I'm sure only slight delays as all children are wonderful and perfect and no one is different and let's all join hands in a circle and sing "Kumbaya" and "He's got the whole world in His hands". He's got the itty bitty babies in His hands, oh the babies, yes the babies, the wonderful not at all differently-abled babies...

This breakdown will also occur if my child is, in fact, diagnosed with a speech delay, which honestly has not even occurred to me since I've been too busy obsessing over the disapproving looks I'm sure to get from the over-worked/under-paid people from EI.

And the great news is that I have another week and a half to obsess about this! Our appointment isn't until next Friday! Hurrah!

If you're looking for me I'll be curled in the fetal position under the covers, probably with a bottle of vodka and a blankie for comfort.

Not that I'm concerned for what might happen if Chicky is diagnosed with a speech delay. I'll handle it. We'll handle it. I'm more concerned about looking like a helicopter parent who hovers over every move her child makes, diagnoses every sniffle as cancer and makes all her child's meals from scratch with organic ingredients - which is so not true since I'm fairly certain that individually wrapped slice of American cheese-food I just fed her is in no way organic.