Tuesday, March 24, 2009

My next post will be about how much I love Polident

To the people in the red Jeep:

Hi there. Yeah, I see you. It's hard not to, being as close to the woods as we are. I see you trying to be all sly, driving out of the woods with that shit-eating grin on your faces. You pass me on the street at all hours of the day and night. I try to turn a blind eye to you and your ilk (because you are certainly not the only ones who go out there for a "joy ride", ahem) even though it clearly says at the head of the trail that vehicles are PROHIBITED from entering. But hey, I've been in your position once or twice in my early days. I used to get a thrill from hopping into a boyfriend's truck and four-wheeling in the woods, maybe some parking.

(Okay, definitely some parking)

(Okay, maybe there was a lot of parking)

You know what I'm talking about. I've seen you enough times to know who is in the car. Do you think I'm under the impression that you're going out there for a picnic? Like I said, I've been there. It was a hundred years ago and I was much more limber, but I've been there. I don't really care. That's your business.

However.

It becomes my business when you dig up the trails so badly it becomes dangerous for anyone to walk on them. It becomes my business when you leave your trash, your beer cans and cigarette butts and fast food wrappers, all over the place. And it certainly becomes my business when you leave your condoms (ew, EEWWW) where my kids could pick them up. Or just as bad, where my dogs can find them and use them as chew toys. Seriously, you bring it in, you take it out. This isn't your garden, go spread your seed someplace else.

Oh, and also - it's Spring. It's muddy out there. The next time you get stuck and spin your wheels loud enough for everyone in a 2 mile radius to hear, I'm calling the cops. And if you think you'll get retribution because you're smart enough to figure out who called the fuzz, just a heads up - I've got your license plate number. I may be turning into an old fart (okay, I'm definitely turning into an old fart) but with age comes wisdom... and home-ownership. And with that home-ownership comes tax money and clout. I will get a gate put up at the trail head so fast it will make your head spin, so don't mess with me unless you want to pay by the hour for a cheap hotel room. Or become celibate.

Now, if you'll excuse me I need to go change my Depends undergarment and soak my dentures.

23 comments:

Ashlie- Mommycosm said...

LOL! Oh, dear! First of all, totally been there with the whole parking thing back in high school. BUT, we were smart enough to leave any *ahem* evidence around. Gross. Very, very gross.

Patois said...

I'm thinking it's less likely that they're of the younger generation and more of the cheating-on-spouses generation. Or is that just me being overly suspicious?

Andi said...

Ahhh, brings back memories, funny when you start being on the other side of that equation. Got a good laugh, thanks. P.S. Can you tell me the brand of shoes in your header? Got such shoe envy over them!

kgirl said...

You are a woman after my own heart. I'd start working on that fence pronto.

Lynette said...

Yeah, that's just gross. If you're gonna do it, at least TRY to be considerate. Nobody wants to pick up already been used condoms.

Jerks!

SciFi Dad said...

K. Sorry. Won't happen again.

motherbumper said...

I'd totally be calling the cops, that shit ain't cool. Shake that cane woman.

Ella said...

i'll share the polident with you! i knew it was too late for me the first time i mumbled "those damn kids" under my breath.

Ree said...

Damn parkers.

Don't forget the Geritol.

Mary G said...

I don't remember writing this post, but I think I must have. The Jeep, the condoms, the whole mess.
Laughing. I love the celibacy threat. May I use it.

metalia said...

Hahaaa. I am totally an old lady about things like this, too. A part of me is all, "when did I get so old and crotchety?" but then the other part of me is like, "it's the principle of the matter, dammit! Now, someone fetch me my prunes!"

Lori a.k.a. kcgirlgeek said...

That was by FAR the best alternative to "get off my lawn" that I have ever seen, bar none. Now if I can just get my bifocals to work better while I'm reading here, I won't have to stand on the other side of the room to read the rest of your posts too.... Superb, absolutely superb.

Fairly Odd Mother said...

You should try to time your walk to catch them in the "act"---or maybe right after b/c "ewwww". Just let a dog run up and jump on their Jeep while you shine a flashlight in their eyes. That might scare them into finding a new place for their nooky.

Yes, I called it nooky b/c, grandma, I'm older than you.

Domestic Extraordinaire said...

Okay, I am really glad that you aren't hurt or missing teeth because, dude, you totally scared me for a sec thinking that they pulled out in front of you causing you to stop suddenly and chip some teeth.

But wowza-you go girl! Tear a new you know what! :O)

the new girl said...

KIDS TODAY!!

Christina said...

I'm laughing, but only because I know exactly of what you speak. I'm the same way with kids in the woods behind our house, or cutting through our yard. I don't like my yard (that I pay for! and pay taxes for!) to get messed up with bike tracks or kids dropping their garbage on the way.

I say go ahead and ask for a rail to be put up at the trail entrance so bikes and people can get around it, but cars can't. They have them at all of the parks around here.

Alex Elliot said...

I'd call the cops and be all over that fence. Maybe I'd have the dog do a surprise visit first. At least when the kids are "up to no good" by us, it's just pot :) I did hear of some nutty Midwesterner who called the cops about turkeys in the road and was shocked to find out months later from her neighbors that it was put in the police blotter. I have no idea who that person was :)

pisceshanna said...

4-Wheeling in Massachusetts? What a joke! *Insert Colorado snobbery here* What a bunch of tools!

Hapi said...

hello... hapi blogging... have a nice day! just visiting here....

File said...
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Keyword said...
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Pumpkin Petunia said...

Kids these days!

LMAO over "this is not your garden..."!!!

Gini said...

I find it very cathartic writing open letters to dumb ass idiots - like these you mention here in your post. Too funny!