Sunday, March 29, 2009

Let sleeping dogs lie. But if you insist on poking one with a stick be prepared for the dog to write about you on the internet

There are some parts of my past that I would rather forget forever. Nothing too horrible, I've never worked a street corner or anything. Just unpleasant memories that are better left swept under the rug with the rest of the dirt. So why is it that those are the things that always come to the surface like smelly sulfur bubbles? Can someone please answer this for me?

Like old boyfriends, for instance. Everyone has old boyfriends or girlfriends that they wonder what ever happened to. Those are the ones who, if they happen to contact you out of the blue after finding you on Facebook or something, you'd be happy to take a few moments out of your day to reminisce about the good old days with. Even, I might add, if the "good" old days weren't all that spectacular. Those hops and skips down memory lane are pleasant enough, if not a tiny bit disconcerting.

Then there's the other end of the spectrum - the just plain creepy type.

Guess which one emailed me out of the clear blue a couple of weeks ago. Go ahead, guess.

I dated this guy almost 20 years ago...

(20 years? I think I just choked on my tongue.)

... that for the sake of this post we'll call "Crazy Alex".

After I broke up with "Crazy Alex", an epically bad breakup where I feared for my safety more than a few times, I never saw him again and I have had zero desire to ever speak with him since. It was a relationship that never should have happened. The fact that it lasted the better part of two years is a testament to how stupid I was at seventeen - and even more stupid at eighteen because I was still with the guy. But in the spring of my eighteenth year I finally smartened up and dumped his sorry ass. Much to the delight of everyone who knew me, especially my parents. I'm surprised they didn't buy me a bedazzled flying unicorn that pooped puppies and jelly beans to reward me for finally getting rid of the guy.

Apparently he Googled me, which led him to my blog.

(Why yes, I am regretting posting my real name. Thanks for asking.)

And that, my friends, was a HUGE mistake on his part. Take note, lambs - if you had a bad relationship with someone a thousand years ago and you know they have a blog, do not, I repeat DO NOT, contact them or they will be forced to use your email as blog fodder.

We'll call it payback for every jealous rage he ever went on. Or making up for that time I was forced to throw a coffee mug (and stapler, and I think there may have been some dinnerware too) at his head and missed. And for the record I'm not proud of that. I have much better aim now.

Let's begin, shall we?

His words are in bold, mine are in snarky:

Well its taken me months to decide whether to write to you and say hi or just to leave it

(just leave it, just leave it, for the love of all that is good and holy, just leave it)

but here goes.

Hello

(Dammit all to hell. He never could take a hint.)

I found your blog one day, I will be honest I googled your name (*shaking fist at Google*) on a day that I heard a Cinderella song and you popped into my head, (that still happens on occasion).

(For the record, I have no idea what he means. I've never listened to Cinderella a day in my life. Really. And I never saw them in concert either. Um...)

I am so glad you have had a great life and are happy. congrats on the kids and I am sorry to read about your mom.

(Okay, it was nice of him to acknowledge my mom. Especially since she hated him with the power of 10,000 suns and she may have had a hit out on him.)

I have been married for 14 years now have two great step-kids...

(Right about here is when I started to zone out. I may have been humming "Nobody's Fool" but I can't be sure since I've never heard that song in my life.)

I guess I fall under the category of one of the "winner" boyfriends you had in your past that you wrote about, I definitely earned that title I was an ass.

(Bingo.)

sorry about that, I guess medication should have been prescribed earlier than 35. We have a...

(Something something, dog. Something, something. cat. Wonder what made him think I would care about his animals? Or his medication, for that matter?)

(Get out of my head. GET. OUT.)


I too stayed close to music I have been lead singer in a couple bands and worked as a bouncer at...
.

(Funny, I don't remember him being a singer. Or strong. I do remember him as being more than slightly crazy with delusions of grandeur, however.)

unfortunately lead singer syndrome led me into a felony charge that will never be clear for my record, but thankfully I have a very strong and understanding wife and family that stuck by me, another case of me being an ass...

This is where I was all, Wait just a second. Did he say "Felony Charge"? What does that even mean? Did he beat someone to death with a microphone? Oh my holy hell, who in their right mind emails an ex and casually mentions that? Hey, haven't talked with you in almost two decades. Did I mention I'm an ex-con? How are things with you?

*Head/desk. Repeat.*

I'm imagining him sitting down to write this and thinking Should I mention I spent some time in the big house? Eh, can't hurt. It's only amazing I didn't write back IMMEDIATELY and tell him all was forgiven and invite him over for Sunday dinner. Maybe make him my children's godfather.

There was more to the email after that, but honestly I think I blacked out.

You may think I'm being a little harsh, sharing this personal email on the internet, but I think he threw away any right to privacy when he contacted me out of the blue and mentioned he was a FELON.

Am I shouting? Sorry.

Since he's probably reading this, which is creeping me out more than just a little bit, I'm going to say this to him: A. - I'm glad you seem to be getting the help you should have gotten decades ago. I'm glad you seem to be in a stable relationship with a stable job. But what would make me very happy is if you were to forget my email address. Just pretend you never met me because I can't imagine you have any fond memories of that time. I know I don't.

Now I think I'm going to give my husband and hug and apologize for every time I screamed at him for not picking up his socks.

44 comments:

Missy said...

Oh I am sorry about this whole thing. Why does it seem the creepy ones always want to "catch up"? Good luck with that.

Missy

PS. no one wants to watch Natasha Naked!!!

Atlanta Mommy said...

Yikes. Good for you for using it on your blog. Most people out there don't have this kind of public recourse. Hopefully he takes your sage advise and stays the hell away!

Fairly Odd Mother said...

Maybe he married Natasha/Natsha?

I haven't had a relationship with as much drama, but I've had a few ex's contact me via FB---in my opinion, the dumpee should NEVER contact the dumper. Or vice versa. That should take care of that.

Mags said...

Yikes, indeed! Hope he stays the hell away!

Ella said...

Note to self: remain anonymous.

motherbumper said...

*jaw hitting floor* Dude if you are reading this, stay the hell away unless you are a total asshat.

Hannah said...

Holy shit on toast. One more reason to build that time machine I've been thinking about so I can go back and start my blog with FAKE NAMES, MY FUCKING GOD.

Dude, if you're still reading this, I'm sure you got in touch for benign reasons, but just... go away now. Reading this blog is like peeking in her window. Not cool.

Avalon said...

Wow! At first I was all distracted trying to do the math. I couldn't figure out how you were dating 20 years ago when we all thought you were only 25. Then, I was thinking that the song the creep was referring to might have been " Some Day My Prince Will Come" FROM Cinderella, not by Cinderella.

Then I actually started to pay attention to the content and got completely creeped out. He really should have waited until the second e-mail to mention the whole felony thing.

Mrs C~~~ I think this guy is trouble ( in case you hadn't noticed).

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry this happened to you - and that it's so upsetting. That being said, I'm leaving an anonymous comment because I don't want him clicking over to my blog on a random jaunt through cyberspace. I have enough weirdos in my life. Just know I'm thinking of you - please be careful.

Le said...

Bravo for you. I have a similar ex-his name is "Creepy Jeff" and I would provide a similar response if contacted today.

Ashlie- Mommycosm said...

Oh, dear God! You just gave me one more reason to continue using an alias on my blog. Very few people know my real name and I think I'll keep it that way. Oy.

Ladybug's Picnic said...

I've got enough Crazy Alex ex's in my life that I can (kind of) find the humor in someone thinking of you when they hear a CINDERELLA song!

And several of them have emailed me on FB too. Yikes bikes.

And if it won't go away, it's a felony CONVICTION, not a felony CHARGE Alex!

Mac and Cheese said...

If I were him, I would have no choice but to die on the spot after reading this.

Chicky Chicky Baby said...

Avalon - 25? I love you.

Yeah, he may be in trouble. I'm glad he wrote that he's turning his life around I just really hope he means it. I wouldn't want anyone to go down a path that brings them more pain, especially not someone I have a history with. I just want his path to not cross with mine.

Chicky Chicky Baby said...

Also, I'm passive/aggressive. In case you haven't noticed.

Emily said...

I haven't had any ex's contact me on FB. Not sure what that says about me and break ups!

I hope he takes the hint and erases your email address!

Marla said...

Haha. I too have one of those creepy exes from when I was 17. Looking back I just think: "What was I thinking?!?"

I think you're great turning this all into a blog post. It cracks me up to imagine him reading this post.

And I might just start using a fake name on my blog. Sounds great.

Mama Snyder said...

Oh holy crap! Bravo!

I just laughed so hard some of my office mates may think I'm insane. Hooray for you - and hopefully he will take the *hint*

zandor said...

Wow. That's just creepy.

Mrs. Schmitty said...

Um, YUCK. Dude, if you are reading comments....leave this wonderful lady alone.

Mary G said...

If my old bf's turned up I would have to dig a bomb shelter.
Clever way of dealing with it; I hope he disappears pronto.

Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com said...

I have one of those ex-boyfriends too. He contacted me after I'd gotten married, all "we should go out one last time? Don't you think we were good together? I'd love to really see you and understand you, as you an enormous part of my youth and understanding you would help me understand me."

Oh my gosh, why can't creeps just stay creepy in their own creepy space without getting into our business?

I hope A stops contacting you. Good luck.

Domestic Extraordinaire said...

creepy.

Dude, you are an EX for a reason.

Ree said...

Oh. I had that happen. In my case, it was my ex-husband who decided to google my email address (how did he find IT by the way). I hadn't talked to him since the day he dumped all of my clothing into the gutter after the court ordered he return it.

I totally understand the skeeved out factor.

mothergoosemouse said...

Eeeesh.

I try not to worry about this myself, but thanks for the humorous reminder not to be surprised if it does happen. Oh, and to remember to set the alarm each night before bed.

SciFi Dad said...

It could be worse.

He could have written, "I'm in a cover band that does mostly hair metal, and for the finale of the every show I sing Every Rose Has Its Thorn while I scratch up a picture of you with the thorns of a rose (it's symbolism; I'm a deep lead singer)."

Again, I state: it could be worse.

creative-type dad said...

Wow! Glad you got out of that relationship.
Just think, you could have been married to Slash or worse Flea.

Allison said...

OK - this is my first time visiting your blog.......I am laughing very hard (and i am at work)

I think I find it so funny because I had an ex find me one time....I just played nice and e-mailed back so small talk, and then eventually had to ignore him to make him go away...........I am SSSOOOOOOOO wishing I did this instead!!!!

you crack me up!
I will be back soon!

Anonymous said...

See, and this is why I stalk my name on search sites to ensure that I remain as difficult to find as is humanly possible. "Social Networking" my ass....if I wanted to stay in touch with people I stayed in touch. If I didn't, take a HINT.

And what the holy hell is "Lead Singer Syndrome?"

Jerseygirl89 said...

Oh hell, I'm sorry. What a loser.

And people wonder why I changed my name when I got married. Both times. Now no one can find me.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

I had an old college friend find me on Facebook and write a huge apology for what a total fucker he had been. And I appreciated that he needed to clear his conscience. Would I want to hang out with him on a regular basis? Not in a million years. But it is nice to know that people grow. I can't figure out if this what Crazy Alex' attempted with the email. Talk about a backfire. Though I do have to say there are a few people in my past that if they tried to apologize to me I'd rip them a new one, too.

petite gourmand said...

that is freaky.
one more reason I'm not on facebook

Rori Raye said...

Oh my - I never thought of that with this "being public" thing. You just made me think about all of them going back - and, well, you know - it just hit me. I invited them in. If they show up again, it must be for a reason. I'll prefer to think of it as something that would be helpful to me to know. A lesson. And I just want to be not in memories, but right here...so thanks for the tip, I won't be looking for anyone from the old days...love your writing...Rori Raye

courtney said...

Eeek, that is definitely way creepy. Let's hope he buggers off right quick. Did I just say buggers off? Goodness.

courtney said...

Oh, and dude, google his ass right back to find out why he was in jail. Aren't most felony convictions made public?

Anonymous said...

I’m doing this Anonymously to lol First time I visit your site to.

I just had an ex contact me through face book, I hit ignore really fast, now I wish I had of looked at the profile to make sure he doesn’t live close. It’s shaken me up all week well 5 days ago to be exact. It’s really creepy and I cant stop thinking about tit all.

clueless but hopeful mama said...

Every once in awhile a friend suggestion pops up on Facebook for a CRAPPY boyfriend I had in high school. And it sends shivers down my spine.

But yours?? Yours totally takes the cake. Here's hoping he takes the, uh, hint?

yer crazy felony ex-boyfriend alex said...

In the words of your favorite band:

Don't know what you got till it's gone
Don't know what it is i did so wrong
Now i know what i got
It's just this song
And it ain't easy to get back
Takes so long

xo,
YCFEBA

Al_Pal said...

Both of my college bfs tried to add me on Facebook this year. No message, just tried to add me as a friend. No thanks! They were not crazy like that but there was just enough weirdness that I'm not interested in "being friends".
Eesh.

Glad you got a blog entry out of it! Heh.

Gini said...

This might be the funniest thing I have ever read. I love the way you write - as if it is happening right in front of us. You are just hysterical and I am laughing. Thanks for that! As freaky as this story is, it is still funny.

Leighann said...

When will ex-boyfriends learn?

Within minutes (okay, hours) of joining Facebook I had a friend request from an ex.

My husband (who's not on FB) didn't understand why I accused this action of being stalker-esque.

Um, because he just *happened* to do a search for my name and find me within hours.

What, was this guy searching for me every single day?

Should I friend him just to take a peak at his (messy) life? After all, his profile says he's looking for love!

Boston Mamas said...

Ah, the Googling ex. I've got a doozy to share with you some time...preferably over champagne to celebrate our collective ditching of these two sorry characters. -Christine

TwoBusy said...

Creepy ex getting kinda-sorta-stalker-y online? Bad.

Writing a really, really funny post about it? Good.

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