Thursday, April 16, 2009

So I sing a song of love

Chicky -

Today you are four.



I want to write so much to you. I want to tell you all the ways you've grown this year right before my eyes, but it happened so fast I didn't notice you had changed from a baby into a little girl until it had happened. I want to put every important moment down here for you to read later, but I can't. It's overwhelming. Just like I can't go back and relive all those moments again. They've gone and we can't get them back but that's alright. This next year of your life should be about moving forward and embracing changes. I think we both can handle it now.

Besides, there are parts of the last year that neither one of us want to relive.

This year has been a toughie, I'm not going to pretend that it hasn't, and you've taken the brunt of it I'm afraid. Our family of three became four, we left the only home you knew and moved to another one and you started school all in the span of a few months. That's a lot for someone your age to take and the transition wasn't exactly seamless. But we're starting to settle into this new life and not a moment too soon.

You and I have been at odds with each other for the past year. We haven't seen eye to eye on pretty much anything since before you turned three and I think I know why. It can be summed up in two lines of a song, a song I used to play when you were a baby while I walked you around the kitchen trying to calm you down, trying to calm myself down, tears in my eyes and hugging you so tightly, willing peace into your body -

"And you're so much like me. I'm sorry."

I know the song is from a father to his son, but I think it captures how we are, you and me, today and for the rest of our days together. How do I know, since you're only just four? I just do. I'm your mom, I know things. You'd know that if you stopped to listen to me once and awhile, but you don't. You've got your own mind, but you've got my stubbornness and my temper. Sorry about that.

We are two peas at war with each other in the same small pod, both wanting our own space and yet pulling each other back again to snuggle together in the safety of our zippered pouch. That push and pull is what frustrates me. I'm never pulling when you're pushing. You're never pushing when I pull. I'm pretty sure it frustrates you too. From the amount of tantrums and time outs we have in this house, I'm almost certain frustration is your number one emotion these days.

For the next year you need to know one thing - I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm going to pretend that I do until I figure things out and I'm going to mess up a lot but I'll get better at this parenting gig eventually. That won't make any sense to you until you've had your own kids but I feel it's important to state it for the record. I'm doing the best I can and I apologize for all the rest.

(Half of what I say is meaningless, but I say it just to reach you...)

Because you, my sweet girl, are wonderful and you deserve only the best but instead you got me.

For you I will be better. For you I will try to learn patience and understanding. I will try to push aside my insecurities so I can help become a strong and secure person. I'll try to learn to let go. I'll even try to let you decorate the cupcakes with as many sprinkles as you want but I'm not promising anything.

I'll try. I am trying. For you.




Happy Birthday to you, my big girl.

I love you,

Mama

21 comments:

Marla said...

Happy Birthday Chicky. :D

Mrs. Chicken said...

A beautiful song and beautiful sentiments for a beautiful big girl.

Happy Birth Day to you, too, Mama.

Fairly Odd Mother said...

What a beautiful and honest note to an adorable little girl. That spirit will come in handy as she gets older! Happy Birthday Chicky! Your friends in the burbs wish you a happy year ahead.

Whirlwind said...

Happy birthday little chicky!

Four is a great age - enjoy it!

SciFi Dad said...

Happy Birthday, Chicky!

Now...

Because you, my sweet girl, are wonderful and you deserve only the best but instead you got me.I can't speak for anyone else, but from where I'm standing, she lucked out in getting a mother that understands her better than she understands herself. You're only human, and you're doing your best.

Heather said...

She has gotten so big and is ADORABLE as usual! You are a great Mom and we all struggle to find balance. But like you said, we do the best we can. She got the best when she got you. That was God's plan! I hope she has a wonderful birthday. Four is such a fun age!

Happy Birthday Chicky!!!

sweet cheek's mom said...

even without the addition of a second child, i can vouch for the fact that raising a 3, now 4 year old, is very tough. don't beat yourself up too much about it, as i promise you are not alone. my little one turned 4 last month and we definitely have our moments!

happy 4th birthday chicky!

Emily said...

What a gorgeous letter and you've made me all teary!

Happy Birthday Chicky!

motherbumper said...

"We are two peas at war with each other in the same small pod" - understood loud and clear.

Happy birthday Chicky, I can't believe you are four!

Mandy said...

Happy birthday. What a sweet face she has!

You are both lucky to have each other, I think.

daysgoby said...

I don't know why I'm crying: that song is wonderful or that your words are so close to my year with my girl....

Happy Birthday, Chicky-Mama.

Happy Birthday, big girl!

ScientistMother said...

happy birthday chicky!

Heather said...

Happy Birthday to your big girl!!

Mac and Cheese said...

This was beautiful! Your sweet girl does deserve the best, and she got it. Go easy on you.

Samantha said...

She is so cute! Happy Birthday!

Ericka said...

happy birthday, chicky.

and regarding "I'm doing the best I can and I apologize for all the rest"... from this view, you're an amazing mother - you have nothing to apologize for - chicky is a very lucky chicky indeed. go easy on you - you're going to need your strength for the teen years. ;-)

mothergoosemouse said...

I do understand, oh so well. You are doing just fine, mama.

Happy birthday to your big girl.

Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com said...

Oh my, she's beautiful!!

Happy fourth birthday to both of you! =)

Shauna said...

My DD is only 14 months, but I can totally relate to (almost) everything you wrote! Keep it up, and know you are not alone

Chibi said...

Happy (belated) birthday! :)

Melissa Parlaman (Graco Contributor) said...

Your post is so sweet. It brought tears to my eyes since I am the same way with my 3 year old daughter. People say that she is just like me & we tend to butt heads--she is a "daddy's girl." I had written a post like this when my daughter turned 2--i love these kinds of posts!!