Monday, February 11, 2008

Labor, part 3 - Now with more hoo-ha and a frightening delivery

Part one is here.

Part two is here.


The epidural didn't work.


Let's back up - it worked a little, but not 100%. The right side of my body was happily pain free but the left side of my body was screaming. It was this pinching feeling, like my body from left leg to left shoulder was caught in a vice and someone was twisting. And probably cackling maniacally.

The nurse rolled me over and massaged my back, trying to get the epidural to drain into the other side of my body. Then she would roll me back and I would howl in pain. This went on a few times until it finally took. I think they may have given me more drugs too but honestly I have no idea what was really taking place. They could have inserted magical happy fuzzy bunnies in to my back for all I knew.

I admire women who have natural births but there was no way on God's green earth that I was ever going to be one of them. I believe that no pain is worth dealing with that some smart person didn't create a drug for and my mind will not be changed. End of story. Give me the good stuff and keep it coming. If I could have ordered the epidural in my fifth month I would have happily had a porta-cath inserted into my arm. If you're looking for an earth mama you can just keep moving. Nothing to see here.

Moms will understand when I say there is no dignity in childbirth, especially when you're delivering in a teaching hospital. As we were. Every Tom, Dick and Harry is wandering into your room to take a look at your hoo-ha and comment on, I don't know, the size, shape and texture of it?

Ooh, what a lovely shade of coral!

Well, after the drugs I was inviting people into my room who were just wandering down the hall to come on in and take a look. Share in the majesty of my hoo-ha! Bring your friends. Certainly you've never seen one like this!

While the monitors beeped away happily, measuring every contraction I couldn't feel, we watched the end of a dog show (Can't remember who won, but it was probably a terrier. Just a little dog joke.), traded taking shots at the anesthesiologist, and then watched a good portion of a Red Sox game. The Sox beat Tampa Bay 3-1 which I took to be a good omen, and then the doctor announced it was time to push. Nice of them to let us watch the last inning, though, because if I would have ended up with a Red Sox hater - or worse, a Yankees fan (!) - in my delivery room, on top of the bumbling Cassanova and his needles, I think I may have walked out.

So I tried pushing. And I tried again. And again.

And again.


Apparently, the epidural was now working too well.

More than two very unhappy hours and one threat of c-section later I finally pushed my baby out of the very same hoo-ha I was just hours before inviting people to admire.

I wanted to hold that baby girl so badly, it hurt. But there were complications during my little Chicky's birth. The word "terminal" was used, though I didn't hear it. But Mr. C did.

He decided in my delicate state it would be better not to mention what he heard to me. Instead he put on his bravest face while I continued to ask, "Is she okay? Can I see her? Is my baby okay??"

To be continued... Duh...


Greens and Pinks said...

My daughter's birth (induced labor, 3 days of labor, 3 hours of pushing, forceps delivery) led to major complications, too. I'm wondering if you're delivering "naturally" again? My OB seems to think I'll be "just fine!" but I have very serious, serious reservations.

Phoenix said...

Wait can't stop now. I need to know what happened. Oh wait, I do...she's two now and you're doing it again. Hum...ok, I'll wait patiently-ish.

Whirlwind said...

I am in no way an "earth momma" but I did birth all my girls naturally, no drugs. Mainly it was my overwhelming fear of a giant needle being stuck in my back (goes way back t omy early childhood memories of being taken out of my mom's arms for surgery when I was like 6 - I've hated needles ever since)

But anyway, I've liked reading your birth experience so far. There is no way I can write mine so nicely.

email said...

I'm right with you on the epidural. When they gave me the epidural consent form at the first doctor visit (for all of my pregnancies) and told me to take it home, think about it and bring it back signed at the next visit if I decided on the epidural, I said, "No thought required," signed it right on the spot and gave it back to them, saying, "Make sure this is located in a prominent spot in my file."

Blog Antagonist said...

I have the same problem with epidurals. Always on the same side, too. The second baby, I decided not to get one since it didn't do a whole lot of good anyway. But then, I experienced the agony of backlabor, and I figured half was better than nothing at all.

I wouldn't have another one, for reasons we don't need to go into. But I don't think there's any shame in having one.

Can't wait to hear the end of your birthstory. We had a scare with Diminutive One well.

Carrie said...

arrrgh!!!! You, Mrs. Chicky Chicky Baby are a tease! One big TEASE! Quit the teasing and deliver (snicker) already!

kittenpie said...

I'm no earth mama, either. I walked in the door back first so they could get the needle going faster. And when they asked if they could bring students in, I said no.

Girlplustwo said...

damn, girl. this is a hell of a story.

motherbumper said...

Sweet juju, you are worse than Lost WOMAN! We know what's in the hatch but... oh you just leave me hangin' - honestly, do you get off on this?


Anyhow, isn't pushing with muscles you can't feel fun? Oh yes, I did it for three hours and only when they threatened me with a section did I pop that lil' thing out (with the help of a vacuum and a determined mommy).

BOSSY said...

Bossy had so many of these experiences -- and to boot, when she went for her obstetrician appointments when she was due with her second child, the OBGYN warned Bossy that her next delivery could be very similar because SEVEN YEARS had passe and her cells had lost their memory. Or something, fer chrissake.

Bossy's point? The second delivery was like a day at the spa - faster, easier - and it's going to be even better for you because your cells still remember. Fer chrissake.

Manic Mommy said...

Absolutely no dignity.

Andy's best line ever: "Wow. That's one big vagina." After that, he stayed by my head where he belonged.

amanda said...

you love to leave us hanging huh?

btw - how's fisher??

Anonymous said...

No dignity is right? Not only did my husband see my vagina the size of a basketball, he saw me crap on a table!!!! (I never felt a thing cause I was drugged on the epidural!) How he still wants me, I'll never know. said...

Seriously? This birth story sounds so familiar, I'm wondering if we're really the same person.

I'll tell you what, though...I was completely earth-momma to the max and after a twisty twirly baby decided to lodger herself several different angles on her way down the pike, I would have taken the epidural if they'd told me they had to administer it through my eyeballs. With a dart gun.

And dignity at a teaching hospital? Fughettaboutit. Did you have the marching band and drum major, too?

Unknown said...

I had the same issue with the epidural. It only took on one side, but the anesthesiologist and the nurses just shrugged and said that sometimes that happened. I wanted to kill them. Now I REALLY want to kill them since there is obviously something they can do to FIX IT.

Anonymous said...

I hate these cliffhangers. Does the mom survive? Is the baby okay?

I guess I will have to wait for my answers.

Julie Pippert said...

Oooh, remarkably familiar to me, this story!

49 hours, start to finish, for Miss P1 to arrive, vacuum and complications for us both and all. Even a threatened c-section.

But I'm the evil patient who bans all students, not that I was an a teaching hospital. Sorry, I did my fair share and got harmed for my openness.

Anyway can't wait to hear the rest and what you are thinking of for this time!

P.S. Hope you got my Twitter message (hate that dadgum thing, twitter bah!). Any dog news? I hope to update today.

ewe are here said...

I'm all about alleviating pain, including epidurals.

So finish the story!!!


Fairly Odd Mother said...

Cool story! I can rest calmly knowing that your little Chicky is ok now.

I had two vaginal births, and the good news is that the second flew out (first==pushed 2 hours and 15 minutes; second==pushed twice). And the second was without drugs---I found the drugs did nothing to help take away the pushing pain which was a cruel discovery.

A. Nonny Mouse said...

I swear that every person who came into my room after my first c-section checked my incision.

Here to change the sheets and check your incision.

Just gonna take out the garbage and check your incision.

Here's your lunch, and oh! I almost forgot, I need to check your incision.

Dignity and any part of parenting just don't go together. Labor and delivery is the boot camp. :)

Anonymous said...



i know it all turned out okay, but please, please let us know soon what that was all about!

- Lea at Quick Serve Kids

Moments Of Mom said...

Umm, yeah, you check your dignity at the door of your first intravaginal ultrasound.

I could do without another one of those EVER!

I've had both the epidural and the natural and I don't know what I'd do a third time. The epidural was fine the first time, worked wonderful, but I swelled up like a balloon and couldnt fit my shoes on after. the second time the SOB missed the epidural space and I pushed out my 2nd daughter with no drugs. I recovered so much faster. No swelling, but I still don't know what I'd do.

I love this post though. Don't make us wait too long!

mamatulip said...

I just booked my flight; I'm coming over to your house so I can hear the rest of this story and not have to wait for it. ARRRRGH!


Lawyer Mama said...

Ack! I know how it ends ultimately, but damn it I want to hear the end NOW!

I know what you mean about no dignity though. Even though I've never been in labor, I swear to god it was standing room only in the ER both times. And once half the hospital has seen the inside and outside of your uterus, pretty much anything goes. LOL!

Anonymous said...

Finish the damn story woman. I'm dying here. I've earned it. I held your hair while you yakked.

Okay, not really. But I did toss you a blanket while you hugged the throne, and that has to count for something, right?