Monday, February 25, 2008

I've said it before and I'll say it again - God hates me. A lot.

There once was a girl who was very very good. She went to church faithfully with her mother and her grandmother ever Saturday afternoon at 4:30pm sharp.

(Saturday mass was much preferable to the Sunday masses. Less busy and no one had to worry about waking themselves up too early or wonder who was going to prepare the Sunday meal. Because as everyone knew it wasn't going to be the menfolk, those Godless heathens, who were often too busy nursing themselves through a hangover to be worried about actually preparing the food. Though they were the first ones to bitch if there was no Sunday dinner.

What was I saying?)

She went to a small Catholic elementary school where the other children were also very good. She wore the standard uniform of pressed shirt or modest sweater and a dress or skirt, even in the bitterly cold weather when her knobby knees would bang together like shutters let loose from their hinges in a storm. When she was feeling a bit rebellious she wore green corduroy culottes and she always thanked God for not sending her to the principal's office for pushing the dress code, because sitting in the principal's office was the worst type of punishment. The principal was a scary old nun who had facial hair and a mole. And she might have eaten kittens for breakfast.

She sang in the church choir. She was on milk duty. She folded the American flag every Friday afternoon in perfect triangles and never, ever let it touch the ground. She knew the rosary and the stations of the cross, she wore her cross of ashes proudly on her forehead all day on Ash Wednesday and never ate meat on Fridays during Lent.

She was a very good girl.

Then she got to high school and things changed.

No longer under the thumb of the nuns of her Catholic elementary school and no longer forced to sit in classrooms where all the desks faced a cross with the form of a nearly naked, writhing Jesus hanging from it, the girl started thinking for herself. She questioned the teachings. She no longer wanted to go to church. She fought with her CCD teacher on topics like a woman's right to choose to have an abortion and homosexuality. She even had premarital sex as a teenager.

Her mother was not happy.

Neither was God.

It didn't bother the girl. She renounced her faith, which was really not hers to begin with, and started referring to herself as a Recovering Catholic.

From then on, the girl, who was now a woman, would duck whenever she had to enter a Catholic church to attend weddings or funerals for fear that a lightning bolt would strike her dead. Her favorite curses were a series of Jesus Christs! Goddammit all to hells. And for Christ's sakes. The woman swore she felt a twinge in her neck every time she took the Lord's name in vain, like someone pinching you in that tender spot between the neck and the shoulder, but it didn't stop her. Jesus H. Christ on a popsicle stick was fun to say, and who was it harming? Fuck a duck is also enjoyable coming off the tongue and water fowl never retaliated.

God may have been busy worrying about wars and famine and baby birds falling out of trees but He would get his revenge.

It would come in the form of a trip that the woman's husband would be awarded through work. The very husband who worked a minimum of 18 hours a day and very much deserved the trip. It was the same conference/boondoggle the husband had been awarded the year before and the couple never thought they'd be asked to go again. That stuff just didn't happen.

Last year's trip was to a lovely resort... In Phoenix, Arizona. A wonderful time was had by all, but the woman had really hoped it would have been somewhere near the ocean. So, last year - Arizona. This year's trip?

Cabo San Lucas.

In Mexico.

Right on the ocean.

The date of the trip? Three weeks before the woman's due date.

She can't go.

She can't go because it's too far away and too long a trip and too close to her due date and she really doesn't want to chance delivering her baby in a Mexican hospital six hours away from home by plane. And with her luck, that is exactly what would happen.

If that's not proof that God is seriously pissed off, I don't know what is.

[On a related note - Is anyone going to that Johnson's thing in NJ at the beginning of April? I could totally make that trip. It's not Mexico but I needs to see mah ladies. Email me if you're going.]


Jeff and Charli Lee said...

That's hysterical.

I went through that exact same cycle as a kid and adult. Except for the part about being a girl.

Anonymous said...

There is so much wrong about not being able to take a free trip to Mexico -

As another "recovering Catholic" and "fuck-a-duck" mutterer, I guess you and I will just need to party in Hell.

Heather said...

Curses to the timing!

flutter said...

Well, clearly your house is a gateway to hell.

Julie Pippert said...

Oh! Babe! That stinks! And your husband, he said, sorry no can go. Right?

The Spunky Mommy said...

OH! I'm so sorry to hear this! :( Your stories are always entertaining - thanks for the smile (but still, I'm sorry!) Can you make him take you NOW or AFTER the baby is born?! (yeah, right...)

Anonymous said...

Holy Hannah, you really did piss off the Almighty.

Remind me not to look you directly in the eye... I don't want you to rub off on me...

Whirlwind said...


I realized the other day when Einey came out with "Jesus, Mary and Joseph in Tinseltown" or just "Jesus Mary and Joseph Christ" that I'd have to some up with new things to say. I don't think it would be appreciated if she came out with that at school. Luckily, there are no nuns there.

She too has tried to buck the system. I've noticed a few times where she's "forgotten" shorts on underneath her skirt. It's amazing though, I have to fight with her to wear the pants uniform, even on the sub zero days. The actually prefer the skirts and knee socks!

Blog Antagonist said...

Aw, hon. God doesn't hate you. He just wants to bust your balls, erm...ovaries a little bit. He does it to me all the time.

I'm sorry you can't go on the trip.

Moments Of Mom said...

Wow. That does suck.
Is your husband going without you? God, I hope not.

mamatulip said...


kittenpie said...

Johnson's thing?
And this is so not right. Perhaps you could take Sage along with you in case you go into labour while you're there? Would that work?

Unknown said...

What Johnson's thing? I'm going to be in DC the first weekend in April. But it doesn't matter because if I don't know what you're talking about, I guess I wasn't invited.

Hannah said...

Oh MAN does that suck. Apparently God believes that revenge is a dish best served cold.

Julie Marsh said...

If you're missing a trip to Cabo, even after all of those Masses, then I'm terrified by what doozy God must have in store for me.

Would love to see lovely New Jersey, but cannot feature a cross-country plane trip with not yet three month old infant in tow.

Betsy, short for Elizabeth, formally known as Esther said...

It has already been said, but I shall say it, just sucks.

OhTheJoys said...

What, pray tell, are you planning with a roomful of Johnson's in New Jersey?!!

Christina said...

That does suck. So not fair at all. Maybe you'll be lucky and next year it'll be in the Bahamas? Or a cruise?

I'm probably going to the Johnson's event. It's hard to turn down three days away from kids, hanging with bloggers, and free cocktails. The hotel looks nice, too. It's like a vacation.

Jess Riley said...

That SUCKS big time. And I think we share religious upbringings.

Johnsons, cocktails, and bloggers? I am missing OUT!

SUEB0B said...

Can I go to Mexico with your husb? You know he will be safe with me!

motherbumper said...

You're the third person to ask about that J&J thing - and I didn't get an invite, apparently I ain't cool enough. Anyhow, yup that sucks the big one and you obviously pissed off the big guy.

Don Mills Diva said...

Ouch - that sucks! You better get a good rain check from your hubby if he's going!

Manic Mommy said...

You left out the all important answer of whether or not the huz will go without you.

Were you early with Chicky? You could use that as an excuse for him not to go and not have to sound like the bitchy wet blanket I would.

Anonymous said...

Just in case you couldn't tell from all the other comments:

1. That ABSOLUTELY sucks big time.
2. What the heck is this Johnson's thing in NJ? My maiden name was Johnson and I live in NJ and I have no clue.
3. Your hubby better be staying home too!

Fairly Odd Mother said...

Hey, maybe next year's trip will be Hawaii!

Lawyer Mama said...

Fuckity, fuck, fuck, FUCK!

Anonymous said...

Duuude! I'm going to the JnJ thing. Are you going? Please, please say you are!!!!