Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Labor, part 2 - Don't mind me, I'm just having a baby here

Missed part 1? Read it here.


He was olive skinned. Possibly of Middle Eastern descent, but what did it matter? What we knew for certain was that he was not happy to be there. Not happy at all.

Surly and sarcastic - two qualities you really don't want in the anesthesiologist who was about to administer your epidural, but that's what we got. We got the mean guy. The guy who looked at us with disdain for pulling him away from his other responsibilities. The guy who seemed to think he had so many other more important patients to administer to; certainly more important than a pregnant woman whining for pain relief drugs.

He asked a few questions and had me position my body on the edge of the bed, which I tried to do as quickly as possible. But since I was in the throes of my worst contractions I guess I didn't move as fast as he wanted.

"Move to the edge of the bed, please," he said with a bite in his voice.

I looked at my husband and tried to tell him with my eyes, since I couldn't speak, Please punch this guy in the face. Pretty please.

With my husband's help I was able to move my body to a place that suited the anesthesiologist and he began to insert the needle into my back. As I faced my husband I felt another strong contraction starting. A very strong contraction. An oh-my-GOD, where-did-this-pain-come-from? contraction. And at that moment the surly man chose to ask me a question. I cannot for the life of me remember what that question was but I do remember this - when I didn't answer because of the amazing pain I was trying to breath through he said in his most sarcastic tone,

"She's not much of a talker, is she? Hello. Did you hear me?"

My husband told me later that the monitor measuring my contractions was peaking at its highest point. And the man wondered why I wasn't talking to him. I wanted to kick him in the nuts.

Just when we considered asking for another, more compassionate, anesthesiologist, my sister walked in and suddenly the man's demeanor changed.

You know those cartoons where the horrible wolf spots a beautiful she-wolf and hearts pop out of his eyes as he shouts "Aaaah-ooooo-gaaaaah!" and he turns into a love sick puppy? That's what happened when the horrible man met my sister. I swear I saw cartoon hearts, but it may have been the pain making me hallucinate.

"Who's this?" The question practically dripped off his tongue.

"My sister," I breathed.

"Your sister? No, you two can't be sisters. You look so different."

Yeah, tell us something we've never heard before, buddy.

My sister is quite dark, with almost black hair and big brown eyes where I'm blonde (thanks to nature and a little help from my hairdresser) with light skin and hazel eyes. Take that away and we don't look so different. But when one of us is sweaty with pain and bloated with pregnancy and the other is slightly tanned from a recent trip and practically radiating with health, I can see how someone could miss the resemblance.

While he finished attaching the needle to my back he tried to strike up a conversation with my sister. What did she do for work? Where did she get that amazing tan? What nationality was she? (The guy still didn't believe we were related) He was of some Middle Eastern descent, but no one was really listening to him and his pitiful attempts to attract my sister. My married sister, I should add, who was wearing a huge rock on her ring finger that I guess he just missed. It was so inappropriate. But at least he wasn't mean anymore. If anything he was slightly bumbling. We had no idea how bumbling, however.

He had to tear himself away but he did leave us eventually - and by "us" I mean my sister - and I lay down on the bed to wait for the drugs to hit me. When they didn't I mentioned this to the nurse and she checked my line.

"Uh oh."

What's worse than a nasty anesthesiologist? A nurse who says "Uh oh".

Apparently in his haste to get as much information out of my sister for his later sick fantasies he FORGOT TO HOOK UP THE I.V.

Ain't that a bitch?

There I lay with an uncomfortable cathater in my back and no drugs going to it. If I was disgusted by the guy before, I was ready to bite his head off now.

He was called back and, amazingly, showed up quickly and was appropriately embarrassed for his oversight. But I think that was more for my sister's benefit than mine or my husband's. Although, I did catch the nurse giving him some nasty looks.

After he hooked up the I.V. the anesthesiologist practically ran to exit the room, and I again waited for the relief of the drugs. I got some relief pretty quickly. But just some.

There was still pain. Awful, horrible, bite a leather strap kind of pain. This was not right.

What the hell was happening to me?

To be continued... Again...


motherbumper said...

GODDAMMIT! Stop leaving me hanging! Wait - is there a baby at the end of this one? Or does the big boat sink?

Anyhow, what a bastard. Slimy bastard. They always have the best drugs (though yours sounds like a bad dealer... bad bad dealer).

Heather said...

Wow, what a jerk.

Jess said...

*laughing hysterically at mental picture while being suitably horrified at your pain*

So, you come here often?

You should have ripped his penis off and beat him with it.

Fairly Odd Mother said...

OMG woman. What is with these cliff hangers? Is it b/c you haven't gotten your drugs yet?

Your sis and you sound like my sis and I. We have photos as us as toddlers and she seriously looks like a different race while I look like I'm from Sweden. Thankfully, no one tried to pick her up while I was in labor. I also had the most handsome anethesiologist ever. Dr. McDreamy indeed.

Hannah said...

My anesthesiologist was also of middle eastern descent, but he was lovely. When he (painlessly) inserted that needle I proposed to him. We all (my husband and mom were there too) still speak very kindly of him.

So I can only imagine how horrid this experience must have been for you. Stupid man. I'd have fed that IV to him. Up his ass.

SciFi Dad said...

Unfortunately, I think I know where this is heading... how many different attempts would it take to get a working epidural in you? My wife's number was three or four, and I thought that was pretty bad.

Maggie said...

Ew, he sounds smarmy and gross. But I can attest to the fact that there are some seriously icky people working in anesthesia - I worked in OB for several years.

And because I don't know when to keep my mouth shut (and I am so sorry about that!) I have to add one little thing - when they put in the epidural, they feed a little catheter through and take the needle out. Still not good to have it hooked up without any drugs (because, hello, drugs are totally the point!) but I promise there wasn't a needle in your back. Not that that really helps any.

Hopefully this next time will be free of an icky anesthesia dude.

mamatulip said...

What a fucker. Ugh. I'm getting mad here FOR you...

Velma said...

My back is starting to twinge reading this - mine placed the epi with my second child twice and couldn't get it in the right spot. My ligaments were so loose he couldn't feel where to place it, so after the second time we left it in and hoped it would start working, which it didn't. Nothing like being stuck in one position laboring because of the epidural hooked up to you that ISN'T WORKING. SO fun, this trip down memory lane!

kittenpie said...

Geez, if he thought she was cuter than you, I'd like to see this lady... what a dillhole. But good story material!

Mandy said...

While I usually love suspense.... I wanna know what happened!!

Great story so far.

Carrie said...

argh! You are killing me! Dont make me wait so long this time, ok? Please?!?

S said...

Good grief.


Clink said...

He must have been related to my anesthesiologist; who was born from the bowels of hell and wore that as a badge of honor.

Alex Elliot said...

He forgot to hook it up?! There would have been a lot of a certain four letter word starting with "f" coming out of my mouth.

ewe are here said...

He forgot to hook up the I.V.???
They're not supposed to leave the damn room until they MAKE SURE IT'S WORKING! GAW!

Not Afraid to Use It said...

I had a bastard of an anesthesiologist for my c-section. I would have cursed him up and down the corridor if I were not so afraid of that needle he was callously jabbing into my spine. I still sent bad vibes his way.

flutter said...

oh MY god. I would have needed to rip his nuts off and stuff them up his nose.
What a fuckface.

Julie Pippert said...

GAH! How frustrating! (I mean that jerkwad of an anesthesiologist but it works to a lesser degree for your teasers here too LOL.)

Anonymous said...

You poor thing. I know (gawd, help me, I know) what you mean though. When they came to fill my second epidural (due to the 3 hours of stitching I had to endure after he was born because he ripp...well, you know), they missed hooking up the i.v.

I felt every freakin' stitch. I can only imagine what labor was like!

Crazed Nitwit said...

You're killing me! I had a similar expereince with an ass of an ob who called me a baby and told me his wife had had 3 kids w/o pain killers. My dh wasn't a good coach, not assertive enough. I would have punched the middle eastern guy for you, heck I'd even punch any nationality guy for ya.

kelly said...

congratulations on keeping so calm. i don't think my boyfriend or i would have been able to. we're both the "boisterous" types. ugh. what a jerk.

For the Love... said...

I was having baby #2 before I got a doc that understood how to make an epidural work for me. If done the normal way only one side goes numb...I had to have a good bit more medicine than normal and be rocked side to side to get it over this little wall inside the spinal space.


BOSSY said...

Fer chrissake, Bossy just got all caught up with your story. Yikes. By the way, at least you can remember your birthing story. For Bossy, her sketchy memory is like a silent movie with a broken projector.

Manic Mommy said...

Nice. What a dick! And you unable to properly pummel him is just cruel. We had Dr. Mengele on call for my delivery - complete with German acccent and attitude. A far cry from my OB who reminded me of Jim Henson.

The male anatomy does not have a sufficient orifice to allow men to begin to empathize.

PinksandBluesGirls said...

Ahhh... the epidurals. With William they waited too long to put one in. With Alexander (pure heaven delivery) they put one in upon my arrival before inducing... I didn't feel a thing until I started to push, and even then - minimal. With Benjamin. Well, they forgot they put it in... yet the drip never dripped. Lovely. 2 hours into it... I'm like WHAT THE F*&^!? SO with this baby... we're having a c-section. And we're having our 4th SON! Not sure if you knew!!

Anonymous said...

Dammit woman!!! Quit with the cliffhangers!

I would have hunted that anesthesiologist and strangled him with my bare hands. Or have my hot sister do it for me.

Creative-Type Dad said...

What a freak!
I would have thrown something at him. Maybe an empty bucket of chicken. Or a live chicken...

Unknown said...

I hope you pooped on him.

Binkytowne said...

Oh sorry, I too had a lovely one, he is one of the only things I remember. As I layed on the table, totally delerious, he stroked my hand gently and spoke really softly to me. I have no idea what he looked like or who he was, but he is one of the only memories I have.

Your guy was an ass. Don't worry, he'll get his. Sometime. A botched vasectomy or something. Karma is a bitch.

KG said...

Just so you know, I had FOUR FAILED epidurals. The first guy placed it wrong, and then another guy came because shifts had changed. AND HE WAS A JERK . . . he also didn't do the epidural right and resented it every time I kept asking for him to come back and fix it. When he removed the "treatment" that never worked, he RIPPED it out of my back and wordlessly stomped out of the room. I think we had the same Doctor Turdface.

I also hope he gets a botched vasectomy.

Moments Of Mom said...

Eeek, I had an epidural at the peak of labor, and the guy missed.... because I said "That feels funny" and with the panick you never want to hear in someone's voice least of all a medical professional "WHAT DO YOU FEEL?" Umm, ticking down my spine.

Ripped out the epidural and pumps my own vial of blood back into my back, tells the nurse
"We're going to have to do a spinal on this one"

Yeah, "NO WE ARE NOT" I shouted. "Forget it" I don't want anything.

At that, I sat up and had the urge to push. Out she came 5 mins later.

email said...

Ouch. All of my labors except the last one (there were four) required multiple attempts to position the epidural (I have small spinal spaces). Getting the epidural for me was the worst part of labor EVERY TIME. But the relief from the pain I would've felt made it worth it.

Your guy sounds like a prick. My third pregnancy, the anesthesiologist put the epidural in wrong, and another one came in to fix it. He was surly and miserable, but AMAZING at putting in the epidural. I actually requested him for my last labor. Unfortunately, he wasn't on call, but I got someone just as good AND nicer.

Can't wait for the next installment...