I totally should have put a Furnunculus curse on that bee-yotch.

I know, I know, it's another link post.

But I would be selfish if I didn't tell you about how I almost got into a fight at the Harry Potter exhibit at the Boston Museum of Science - and how to avoid almost getting into a fight at the Harry Potter exhibition. Because fist fights in front of the kids is just wrong. Deserved, but wrong.

Wand fights are way better.

Regardless, if you were planning on going while it's in Boston or when it comes to your area (Canadians, I'm looking at you. I guess it's headed your way next.) I did all the hard stuff so you wouldn't have to. You're welcome.

And if you're a New Englander and you haven't checked it out yet (Ahem) we have this huge roundup of First Night celebrations from all around New England guaranteed to satisfy all your First Night celebrating needs. Well, not those needs. Sicko.

I do this for you, because I love. I love hard. Not that hard. Sicko.

Seriously? Wow. I'm very disappointed in you. Petrificus Totalus, and stuff.

All I want for Christmas is...

Some very small physical modifications. That's all. Really.

Oh and world peace.

And maybe universal healthcare everyone can live with. But we probably missed the boat on that one, though.

Anyway. Maybe acceptance is the way to go. Be grateful for what we get, yada yada yada. As Chicky's preschool teachers always say, "You get what you get and you don't get upset." Which, you know, is fine for 4 year olds but always kind of bugged me.

*sigh*

(But Merry Christmas anyway! I hope Santa fills your stockings up good... and I mean that in a totally non-dirty way. Maybe. Ho ho ho!

You dirty ho, you.)

WWJD? Probably roll his eyes, turn some water into wine and eat some lobster stew.

An elementary school in Massachusetts is making national news this week because school officials sent home an 8 year old boy after he (allegedly *wink wink*) drew a picture of Jesus on the cross for a (alleged *nudge*) holiday assignment. Being a former Catholic and survivor of seven years of parochial school, of course I had to weigh in. What do you think about all the fuss?

(Oh, and there's an awesome recipe for lobster stew. How bad can that be?)

Like a busy bee with a slight case of ADD *and* OCD

Busy, busy, busy.

Running hither and yon getting my Christmas shopping done; chasing after children who never stop, EVER; solo parenting; finding time to see friends; starting a meat CSA today (glad I waited to see Food, Inc. until this past weekend. Yikes!) and getting the New England Mamas up and running again.... Busy, busy, busy. Like a little bee with ADD. Bzzzz.

Also, by the way, the sound in my head right now. Bzzzzzzzzz....

But even though I'm busy, I took the time to scour Etsy looking for perfect holiday teacher gifts so you won't have to. Because I love you that much. No need to thank me - unless you were planning on sending chocolates. Then you can thank me all you want.

Bzzzzzz...... (also the sound of a sugar high. fact.)

Now I will reward myself with some of that chocolate

First, I can't think of anything to write about. Then, I'm all over the internet yappin' away.

Today I'm blogging at not one, but two blogs other than my own. First up, I'm over at the New England Mamas talking about my own secret place to get the best homemade chocolates (Mmm, homemade chocolate. Mmm...) and then I'm over at my friend Sarah's blog pinch hitting for her while she's off having an actual vacation. Damn her.

And for all my New England readers, don't forget we're having a contest at the NE Mamas. Share with us your secret spaces or hidden gems and you just might win something. Uh huh. That's right. Spill it.

After I rest up from all this writing business, I'll start working on your questions. You're waiting with baited breath, I can tell.

I don't think these fences can be mended

I'm a reasonable, considerate person. Hell, I'm no saint but I can be downright nice, okay? But when my neighbors tear down fences, both literally and figuratively, I can be a B-I-T-C-H.

Find out more.

I should have just sat on them

Residents of Massachusetts have a long history of being reserved and not, if I may be so bold to say, overly polite. If you want friendly people go South. If you want to hang out with someone who's chill, go West. If you want a bunch of overworked stress bags who are just friendly enough with their neighbors to make sure if they ever were to drop dead in their homes their bodies would be discovered before the cats ate it, the Northeast, and especially Massachusetts, is where you want to be. [Read More...]

Me blogger, you read - and get food for my belly

They say pregnancy makes a woman's brain dry up and blow away like fine powder, leaving her stupid, stumbling and drooling on herself.

Okay I said that. But it's true! I have so much to write about and no brain power to help me harness all the thoughts. The only constant thought in my head that doesn't buzz around like a fruit fly is "Sleep, sleeep, sleep. Poppies, poppppies, poppies. Sleeeeep."

Zzzzzzzzz.

I wrote something about politics over at New England Mamas today. That should tell you something about the state of my brain since politics is not my forte. But the New Hampshire primary is tomorrow and I felt it was important to try to get some words down into some semblance of a sentence or paragraph about it. Because these days the only coherent words that come out of my mouth are,

"Pregnant woman hungry. Must have barbecue NOW. Need to eat. Get out of way" And then there's some grunting and burping.

And that's important and all but soon no one will want to make small talk with me.

So please, go check it out.

If you don't want to see me whine...

...Then you can come see what I wrote about over at the New England Mamas today. But come only if you're a real sports fan. Only if you love at least one team, I don't care what sport, so much you're willing to bleed their team colors.

Or come over if you hate the Patriots and you want to have a good shot at me. Whatever. I'm ready for it.

Or you could just stay here and find out why I'm not too happy with my Dad. Your call.

This story could make almost any Red Sox fan cry

Remember when my dogs broke into my closed pantry and ate my Girl Scout cookies? That was a pretty bad day. But this story is much worse.

"Given my chosen profession as a dog trainer I love a good dog story in the news, but this one almost broke my heart..." [Continued at New England Mamas]

Tiptoe through the (holiday) tipping

I'm over at the New England Mamas today begging people for advice on tipping during the holidays and feeling pretty guilty because I think I just gypped my dogs' groomer out of a decent holiday gift.

And my dogs are not exactly, um, easy to groom. I should know, I used to do all their grooming before Chicky came along. Have you ever tried bathing two eighty pound dogs? The hair ingested alone is worth giving the groomer one of my kidneys if she ever needed it.

So come visit us and give me your best tips on tipping.

More proof that God hates me

I've been feeling a lot better ("a lot" being relative in the grand scheme of things) for two weeks. I've been able to eat many of my favorite naughty foods, like Taco Bell, for instance. And it doesn't get more naughty than than Taco Bell.

Or is it, it doesn't get more nasty than that? Either way it's damn tasty.

Anyway, the bottom line is I've started to feel human again. Until yesterday. Yesterday I got some weird stomach flu thing and spent a majority of the day between my toilet and moaning on the couch. Whatever few precious pounds I had begun to put on thanks to my beef burrito supreme/mint chocolate chip ice cream/Italian grinder diet has gone right down the drain. If you catch my drift.

Chicky had it earlier this week but hers was tame in comparison. Mine was way worse because God loves toddlers who slap and bite their mothers when they are at their weakest, most vulnerable point and hates mothers who are just trying to catch a break. I think it's in the Gospel of Luke.

At any rate I'm only writing because 1) the house cleaner is here and I'm stuck in the house while Mr. C brings Chicky to his parents house because if I try to get dressed I'll probably pass out and 2) the ROFL (roll on floor laughing) Awards are next Friday so get in your nominations to me or Metro Mama really soon and 3) I needed to mention that the new and improved New England Mamas blog is having our grand blog-opening on Monday with lots of giveaways and from what I hear some spicy R-rated posts. Personally, I was hoping for X-rated but anything over a G-rating these days is okay by me. "Good grief" is about as racy as we get around my house these days. And that's what's heard under my covers after Chicky goes to bed.

So, yeah. New England Mamas. Lots of free stuff to win. Interesting posts by interesting women sometimes, but not always, with a New England slant to their writing. Just the other day I wrote something about the Boppy cover recall. But there's a lot of great writing over there so if you haven't gotten a chance to check it out for yourself - and really, if you haven't you should be ashamed of yourself - go now. Yes, right now. Put down the bagel and go. It's impolite to eat something like that in front of a woman in my condition anyway.


*And what's worse, I wrote this post so quickly and with only a fraction of my brain cells working that I wrote "God hats me" in the title instead of "God hates me". I'm waiting for the locusts and the frogs next.

The happy just keeps on coming

I've been a total downer lately... and today is no different! We're discussing how to help our children (of any age) deal with the death of a friend or family member over here. Come share your experiences and your expertise, if you have any.

There's more upbeat posts at the New England Mamas too. We're not all buzzkills. Though, I am. Yeah.

Um...

Hey, look over there!

(runs away to find the cookie dough.)

Vacationitis

I'm all better now. I don't know if it was something I caught or something I ate but I'm leaning towards a case of vacationitis.

Wah? You don't know about vacationitis?

It affects everyone in different ways but in my case vacationitis is brought on by my natural predilection towards being a stress bag every other day of the year. I thrive on stress, I eat it for breakfast. Stress is what keeps my body moving. So those rare times when I let my defenses down and actually stop and enjoy myself for a change every germ and ailment that was beaten back by my stress force field now has a way in.

Stomach bug? Sure, c'mon in! Migraine? The more the merrier! Pinched nerve? The water's fine!

I have a history of chronic vacationitis. Take, for instance, the summer of 1997. My honeymoon with husband number 1. After working for a few years as an morning DJ at a local radio station, getting up at 4:00am five days a week and clocking 55 hour+ work weeks, I took a well deserved vacation in Jamaica. The first few days were fine because I was still de-stressing. But on the next to last day of our trip - Wham! - I got that inner ear thing that gives you vertigo when you try to stand up.

Have you ever been on a bus with no air conditioning in 90 degree temperatures and a Jamaican bus driver with a death wish at the wheel? With vertigo? The only thing I remember is getting on the bus, closing my eyes, and praying. And then I had to get on a plane. I just closed my eyes and cried. That was fun.

Then there was the time in 2002 when I was on my honeymoon with husband number 2 - Mr. C., for those of you scoring at home. We were both completely immersed in our jobs at the same large corporation and we had just finished planning and executing our at-home wedding, so the stress was palpable. Three days into our trip to the Napa Valley and I got the worst pinched nerve in my neck. Pinched nerves are no fun under the best of circumstances, but this one was so bad that I could hardly enjoy the romantical day my new husband had planned for us at a spa in Sonoma.

I know the casual observer might think that I should just give up on honeymoons, but this past vacation was no honeymoon. Believe me.

So maybe I should just give up on vacations in general. Just hide in my home with the shades drawn and the doors locked. Besides, who would watch my TV if I went away?

--------------------------

Thankfully, I was well enough today to go visit with some of my fellow New England Mamas.

(I was even well enough to eat pizza! Organic pizza with barbecue chicken! Without having to run to the bathroom immediately after! Yippee!)

I don't know how I got to be lucky enough to be affiliated with these incredible women, but I am. I can't wait to see them all again. I wish we had more time to talk because I know from this short meeting that we could all be bestest friends forevah and evah.

I'd gush some more but I'm from New England. Gushing is not our thing. We do not gush.

Except maybe in private with other New Englanders. Then we gush with dignity.

We interrupt this rant to bring you the following announcement:

I have hairy toes.

No, wait. That's not the announcement that I wanted to make.

I'm over at PunditMom's blog today, that's what I wanted to tell you. Yeah.

Also, my interview with Meredith O'Brien (Boston Mommy) of the Boston Herald about the New England Mamas blog is up. You should go read it. Oh, yes you should.

Also, also, the NE Mamas are currently looking for contributors from Vermont, Maine and perhaps another one from New Hampshire to add to our list of bloggers. If you are a mom who blogs (or a dad! We do need one.) from any of those states and can write real good please contact me at NE Mamas [at] yahoo [dot] com.

Also, also, also my second toe is longer than my big toe.