Party politics

Chicky has a birthday coming up - the big 4. Which means three things; 1) My baby isn't a baby anymore, 2) I need to start planning a birthday party, and 3) My baby isn't a baby anymore and my head can't quite grasp that notion so all the cogs and gears are starting to smoke and ohmygod I think my head just exploded.

(Also, I just spent 45 minutes looking through pictures from the past three birthdays and there may or may not be tears in my eyes and that's for me to know and you to just mind your own damn business about.)

When I was growing up, we were never huge on birthdays. We had small parties with close family and a few close friends, a special cake, some presents and some general child-related mayhem but nothing grandiose by any means. But, while I'm not keen on making a huge fuss, mostly because I'm lazy, I do want my kids to feel like their extra special day is just that. Heavy emphasis on "special", with a side of "extra".

Plus, I like the whole theme thing. I don't know why, I never thought I would be one of those people, but God help me I am.

When I asked Chicky what she wanted the theme of her birthday to be, she said, without any provocation, she wanted a Beach Party. Cool. I can run with that theme. And there are no princesses or glitter involved so, bonus.

Well, apparently, while my head was spinning with the details over what the cake should look like and what I was going to do for favors, she was thinking about who she was going to invite.

A few days later while we were driving home from preschool she dropped a bomb on me.

"Mommy, I told my WHOLE class about my beach party and they're all coming, even my teachers. I'm so excited!"

There are 20 kids in Chicky's preschool class and three teachers. Now, the great thing about 3 and 4 year old's is they tend to forget what you've told them a minute after it's out of your mouth, right about the time they see something shiny. The bad thing about 3 and 4 year old's is they tend to remember everything you don't want them to. The only saving grace is I know her teachers, who I'm sure have been "invited" to every student's birthday party, are not expecting invitations. Which is good, because that's three less people I have to invite.

I'm not crazy (okay, I'm not that crazy), I'm not inviting every child in Chicky's class. She and I sat down and had a long conversation about it which culminated in Chicky telling me that she was, in fact, inviting Every. Single. Kid to her party and her stomping away and slamming her bedroom door. Then we had another conversation about who we were inviting and how much fun it would be and I think I may have promised her a pony if she would stop freaking out for five seconds. I'm not sure, but I think I won that battle.

But here's the thing, it only gets more challenging from here on out. My children are still young enough that I can invite a select group and we don't have to worry about excluding certain members of her class, but that will start to change in the coming years. We have not yet gotten caught up in the birthday tidal wave where every week there's another party to attend and another gift to buy, but I know it's inevitable. We have friends who live in the Raleigh area in one of those planned communities where every couple is in their 30s and they all have two kids the same age as every other kid in the neighborhood (and they're all made out of ticky tacky, and they all look just the same). They get invited to 3 to 4 birthday parties almost every weekend. Can't wrap your head around that one? Me neither.

That's the extreme end of the spectrum - and that's what they get for moving to the south where people are actually friendly to each other, not like up here in New England where you're lucky if we nod in your general direction - but I'd be lying if I said I didn't get heart palpitations from thinking about all those parties where I'll have to try to make nice with other parents I don't know while the rugrats bounce off the walls from their sugar high.

But more than my own social anxiety, I'm concerned about keeping my children's birthdays special when there are politics involved. In other words, for instance, if Susie and Bobby invited my child to their birthdays, does that mean I need to invite them to hers? Even if my kid can't keep their names straight and refer to them as Sarah and Brian? I don't want to be responsible for some little kid feeling left out because he or she wasn't invited to my kid's birthday but I don't want these shindigs to get so out of hand that the importance of the day is overshadowed by the effort it will take to keep 20 kids corralled and entertained while trying to keep my house in one piece.

What's that you say? Take it offsite? Don't get me started on parties at places like Chuck E. Cheese. As far as I'm concerned, that place does not exist. La la la la la.

The way I see it, we've got one more year, maybe two, when I get to decide who is on the guest list. After that it will get tricky.

Or... next year's party is a Studio 54 theme and I get to play Steve Rubell. All will have to stand behind the velvet rope unless I deem them fabulous enough, then they can enter the party. I'm sure that wouldn't set up a typical 5 year old for too many long term emotional problems.