Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Okay, so maybe, just maybe, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today

To the asshat woman who parked her humongous SUV mere centimeters away from my not quite as humongous so therefore totally socially acceptable SUV in the parking lot of the playground when there were at least 20 other empty spots you could have taken, including the six on the other side of your car, but you chose not to because I was parked in the only shady spot in the parking lot and you thought you could back your gas guzzler next to my only slightly better on gas but not really but I feel superior anyway car, obviously trying to bogart my cool air on this 85 degree day for your brat kid who pushed my angel okay not an angel but as far as you know she's a goddamn cherub child when they both went for the stairs to the slide and your kid was older and bigger and less attractive than mine and should have known better and you didn't even say anything to your devil's spawn little girl about how she should act like less of a little prick more appropriately on the playground, you shithead, and then you gave me a look of death when my baby started screaming and I tried to wheel my carriage out of the playground and maybe drifted into your breathing space and then I couldn't get my older kid or my big postpartum ass but even though I had a baby four weeks ago it's still smaller than yours myself in the car without contorting our bodies into positions that should only be seen in pretzels just to get into our car because your tank car was so damn close to mine and by the time we finally were all packed up I was covered in boob sweat and both kids were screaming so that I swore under my breath at you that I would find out where you lived and would leave weekly flaming bags of dog shit on your front steps,


I opened my door into the side of your car and I left a nice dent in the side of it. And I don't feel even a little bit bad about that. Have a nice day, bitch.

46 comments:

Whirlwind said...

Nah - she sounds like a bitch to me

VDog said...

LMAO

TOTALLY deserved. Who DOES that? ;)

Listen Up, MoFos! said...

Hahahahahaha, awesome!!!!

mamikaze said...

Way to go!

Jen said...

She deserved the dent. I did the exact same thing the other day to someone who parked 6 inches away from me at the grocery store. I'm always very carful about not hitting other people with my car doors too but sometimes you just have no choice. And in this case? You had no choice.

Mama Snyder said...

You may want to consider awitching to decaf at some point.
just a thought - :)

followthatdog said...

I have a great dane. Just sayin' if you want me to fed ex you some "leavings" for her front door step.

Heather said...

That irritates me when people park so close to my car too. Am I supposed to use a can-opener to get in or what? Especially when there are plenty of other spots. Grrrr.

Diane said...

I love you for writing this. Yes, I've been there before and I'm sure I'll be there again ... so can I copy this and leave it on the windshield of the next car that parks to close to me? HAHA!

Tracey said...

Annnnnnddd THIS is why having a blog is good therapy! Can you imagine if all of THAT was left bottled up?

:)

Blog Antagonist said...

That? Is my HUGEST pet peeve of all time, and it seems to happen with alarming frequency here.

Good on ya, girlfriend.

AnotherMomCreation said...

IS it bad that I had that feeling at the mall? When some VW BUG parked so close to me Ihad to get in on the passenger side, climb to the back, buckle my kids, climb over to the driver's side, and ever so violently open my door into that Blue VW BUG before I left my spot.

Yes, there were plenty of other places to park.

Ladybug's Picnic said...

1. I can't believe you brought both kids to the playground. I can barely leave the house to go to the drive through.

2. I did the same thing whilst 40 weeks pregnant to the jackass who parked next to me on purpose and WAVED at me. Yeah I dented your door, a-hole. Then I waved too!

flutter said...

You are my fucking hero.

Heather said...

Thank you so much for the Laugh Out Loud humor. I totally needed that today!!!! She deserved every bit of what you gave her!!!

WAY TO GO!!!

Vicki said...

I would have accidentally had my keys wedged oh-so-perfectly between my fingers and accidentally left some streaks down the side of her car (to the metal) as I went by. You definately have more self control than I do. I have twins and so I have to get babies in both sides of the car. As if all the twins on board stuff doesn't tip people off not to park too close to me...lol.

Anna Marie said...

You are my hero. On behalf of all the people out there just trying to park our normal-sized SUV's, I salute you.

Ree said...

I love it

ewe are here said...

My hero.




;-)

Lynn said...

Honestly those giant SUV's should not be sold unless the driver takes a test to prove that he/she can park the friggin' thing in a spot (and not by pulling in/backing up 500 times like an old person!!)
I have an 8 year old car now and I am no longer afraid to inflict minor damage to my car door if I can inflict more to some ignorant assholes car!!! Nor to my bumper if you parallel park and don't leave enough room-I will move your car with mine-the perks of an older car!
(want to go to parking lot rage class together??)

Pgoodness said...

LMAO. Great post!

Heaher in the 'shwa said...

Nicely done, though next time make sure you manage to ding two panels or get a scratch on one and ding the other- much costlier to repair. I'd have yelled into the parking lot asking who parked so close people can't get in and publicly humiliated her in asking if she needed me to park it for her since it seemed she was wholly unable to do such a simple task.

Daisy said...

I'm so glad you used the strikethrough instead of delete. It makes the post!!

moo said...

awesome.

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

You need a drink.

saltgirl said...

I so would have keyed that car...

Black Hockey Jesus said...

Taking crossed out words to new levels.

Jenifer said...

I'm just impressed you went OUT... BY YOURSELF... with a 4 week old and a toddler!!!

you are more corageous than I my dear.

kittenpie said...

You have to be careful, though, because you don't want to dent YOUR door, too...

but I like heather's suggestion of shouting into the park to ask whose car this is and could they please move it so you can get into yours. Public humiliation is always a good choice!

Julie Pippert said...

WAH!

Go YOU!

I do hate being bullied by ginormous SUVs and it happens to me and my tiny mouse car ALL THE TIME, and oh the moms of entitlement on the playgrounds and HA! You GO!

Ali said...

oh my god...i LOVE you!

Clare said...

Just found your blog...I love it! All of the things that I would love to write/say, but never have the balls...I probably would of dented the car on purpose:) You are brave to go out with a toddler and a little one. XO, Clare

motherbumper said...

That woman? Total bitch baby, total bitch and her kid is a prick.

Rachel said...

atta girl. That's awesome!
I despise when people park so damn close that not even size zeros could get into their cars much less us real women.

Kelley said...

I think I just fell in love with you.

Seriously.

Oh, I would have thought about keying her car too..

IRISHKAT said...

You rock!!

mo-wo said...

so you're sleeping then? good CC!

ps.. I remember taking the kids to the park around these ages, breastfeeding atop the jungle gym and feeling like SuperMOm for a mo' Sucks this was denied you by this twit.

You sister are SuperMom material, with a side of junk yard dog. Give 'er.

Lisa said...

Yeay you.

She sounds like a total asshole.

TRS said...

One more vote for public humiliation...

but now I have a bone to pick...

quoting:
Rachel said...
atta girl. That's awesome!
I despise when people park so damn close that not even size zeros could get into their cars much less us real women.


So, I'm not real?
I haven't given birth yet, but just because I still have to shop in the friggin jr's dept which really limits my professional attire BTW doesn't mean I'm not a real woman.

A little solidarity please!

MadWoman said...

I hereby worship the very ground you walk on and wish to be like you in so many ways. I cannot stand people like that. Good for you!!

GRAY MATTER MATTERS said...

What, your key wasn't available? I think you should have carved all the things you crossed out on the side of her gynormous gas guzzler.

Kimberly said...

Hahaha! You go! She deserved it.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

I FUCKING LOVE YOU!! Thanks for visiting my blog because now I came here and I think I found my soulmate!!

Whatever Dee-Dee wants said...

Good for you!

Rusti said...

LOL!! Seriously - that was the funniest thing I've read all week... that cracked me up - although I'm sorry that you had such an un-fun time at the park... thanks for the chuckles though!

And she definitely sounds like a bitch, she deserved the dent! :)

Redneck Mommy said...

Well done sista.

I'd have done the same thing. And flashed her my birdie as I was driving away smiling.