Thursday, May 22, 2008

Screw you, Dante. I've got your ninth circle of hell right here.

Random thoughts on this last week of pregnancy (Do you hear me, baby? The LAST WEEK OF PREGNANCY. Take the hint.):

- Is it a coincidence that there are 9 circles of Hell in the Divine Comedy and there are 9 months of pregnancy? I'm no student of Dante. I'm just thinking out loud here. Draw your own conclusions but I think it's a little suspicious.

- I've gone from cute pregnancy bump to fairly ridiculous looking. Mr. C mused last night that maybe I should be cantilevered since my belly is sticking so far out in front of me. I'm thinking maybe a buttress or two might be better.

- I really, truly believe this baby wants out but that she's directionally challenged. She going high, to the side, and punching through the belly button. Maybe she needs a GPS? Or maybe it's time for me to just open my legs and let Mr. C guide her out with those lighted marshalling wands they use to bring in airplanes.

Go to the light, kid! Go to the light!

- I'd like to thank Gap Body for finally making clothes that will fit my long torso. Because of you, I'm only wearing one piece of clothing that came from a maternity store - my zip-up hoodie. The rest of what I'm wearing can be worn in the weeks after pregnancy and I don't have to feel any residual shame that I'm still wearing maternity clothes.

If there are any preggos out there wondering what I'm talking about, I've bought these, two of these, and of course these. I also bought this hoodie that still fits me and I'm wearing this t-shirt right now. I've worn this wrap a few times so far (it stretches to accommodate a big belly) and it looks perfect for nursing with a nursing tank underneath. I think I'll go back and buy the pink one.

- Apparently, I'm not the only one due to spawn at any time. The neighbor's yappy chihuahua is due too. Anyone else find this as stupidly amusing as I do? Anyone want to lay bets on who goes first, the dog or me?

- I've stopped answering my phone because every call is the same. Have you had the baby yet? Uh, NO. The only call I will take is from my sister but that's because I can tell her to f*ck off and she won't be totally offended.

- What is it with people who insist on telling a very pregnant woman, "You should have the baby tomorrow because that's my (son's, granddaughter's, niece's, wife's) birthday"? Are they looking to get hit? I almost clocked my neighbor for saying that to me yesterday but I think she caught how I felt from the look of disgust on my face.

- I'm trying really hard not to be jealous of the mama's who have already had their babies and the ones who have their appointments scheduled for today for induction or c-section. I'm getting so desperate that I'm jealous of women getting their bellies sliced open. I am seriously messed up right now.

- The ultrasound I had to determine the sex of the baby was not 100% conclusive so Mr. C has taken to addressing this baby as his boy. Between him and EVERY OTHER FREAKING PERSON who insists on stating "Oh, you're having a boy!" after taking in my bump I'm starting to freak out a little. Yesterday even my doctor said she would have sworn I was having a boy based on how I am carrying.

- One more thought - During my OB appointment yesterday, the doctor told me I was officially as far along as a pregnant woman can be without having the baby spontaneously drop out of my womb. There was no amount of manipulation - if you catch my meaning - that she could do for me. I am just about 4 centimeters dilated and 80%+ effaced. Which means, OH MY FREAKING GOD. SOMEONE GET THIS BABY OUT OF ME!! GAH!!!!

That is all.

35 comments:

Heather said...

I so remember that 9th circle of hell called pregnancy. We lived in FL and the fam was in Ohio and I got calls daily with people asking if I had the baby. The Hubster got to field all those calls, especially the ones where my FIL would call and remind me his bday was at the end of Jan if I could hold out a little longer...grrrr, turns out The Chicken listened much to my agony. Here's hoping that baby drops soon!

slouching mom said...

thinking of you. sending some gravitational pull your way.

Blog Antagonist said...

Oh hon, I hear ya. My first pregnancy was only five months long. I didn't find out until I was 9 weeks, and then he was born 6 weeks early. It flew by.

With my second, I also found out around 9 weeks, but he came right on his due date and it felt like such a loooooooooooooooooong pregnancy. I was enormous, bloated, irritable...

You have all my sympathy.

Did you try the semen thing? Remember, the method of applicatioin does not matter. You could use a turkey baster if you like. Because I know that the idea of having sex right now is so very appealing.

Lisa said...

Eeek. I don't know if this helps but am sending "eviction" vibes your way. And when labor does start? Am sending you "speedy delivery" vibes too!

Cassie said...

I am right there with you. I am 38 weeks and ready to kill someone if I hear them tell me again that I'll probably deliver late since this is my first. I am ready to get him out of there.

My husband thinks maybe he can lure him out with a trail of M&M's. heh.

Fairly Odd Mother said...

Beware the child who can't get out the right way. My sister's daughter decided to come out feet first. Whoopee!

(and for a split second, I thought you were mad at my son! OH, you mean the poet!)

Mac and Cheese said...

...so how is the chihuahua coping? Maybe she can offer some helpful tips.

Miguelina. said...

Oh, poor you. I remember that time clearly.

I wholeheartedly approve of your Gap purchases. They'll fit my 13-months post-partum gut just fine.

motherbumper said...

The light, the light, go towards the light CHILD.

And for a six pack, bag of doritos and some skittles, I'll get the baby out. But if there is any blood, I demand that six pack turns into a flat, ya'hear?

carrie said...

I'm going to wager that you don't have much time left if you're 4 centimeters dialated!

Thinking happy, baby thoughts for you! :)

Stacy said...

My daughter was a directionally challenged one (footling breech), and we had a friend offer to buy her a GPS. We'll find out if our boy asks directions prior to birth in about 8 weeks.

I know what you mean about being jealous of others. It's 90F here in Dallas, with 110% humidity, and I'm officially miserable. My Dr. reminded me yesterday that at least I wouldn't have to suffer through the entire summer, and I wanted to kick him. I don't pay him for obvious advice like that!

Sending speedy delivery vibes your way!

Swistle said...

All right, child. You heard your mother. Time to emerge.

margalit said...

My daughter was also directionally challanged. She was transverse the entire pregnancy, lodged right under my boobs. The spot where her head was is still lumpy on my left side. She was born a footling breech. It was very exciting.

I'm officially giving that baby his/her eviction orders. 24 hours from now, if that baby isn't out, I'm coming over, sticking my arm up your hooo haaa and pulling it out myself. Just so you know!

RubiaLala said...

That is an insane amount of being physically ready to have your child. I'm surprised he/she hasn't dropped out yet.

I never got the whole, hey maybe you'll have it on my aunt's birthday! That's just strange. Especially when it's like the grocery check out clerk. Like who the hell cares?

S~ said...

I'm sure if you think it's a girl, it's a girl. Have you decided on a name?

BOSSY said...

Bossy is pulling for you, kid! Love and health!

Barb @ getupandplay said...

You can do it. And feel free to tell anyone you want to f*ck off, regardless of who they are. If they ask stupid questions or make stupid comments then they deserve it.

Izzy said...

My son was a weeeeeeek late. I feel your pain. And I know this is grounds for getting smacked but try to relax and enjoy these last few days (or hours?!!!) before the baby comes as much as you can.

Wishing you a fast and easy delivery and a healthy baby.

{{{{Big hug}}}}

mamatulip said...

Oh man. Those last few days of pregnancy are the longest days in the history of the universe. Hang in there.

Vicki said...

Say your thank you prayers for a healthy baby. My twins were 10 weeks early and spent 9 weeks and 14 weeks in the hospital. They were so tiny and are still tiny at 14 months. I'm glad your baby is gonna make it for a "normal" length pregnancy because I would have killed for one. Wishing you swift labor and painless delivery vibes. Best of luck!!

Heather said...

Labor vibes to you. Don't be jealous of the c-section. It sucks to move around right now. But the baby is lovely...

justmylife said...

I wish I could send labor pains your way! I have no idea how to start labor, that actually works anyway. Hoping for a weekend baby for you!

kittenpie said...

-Hmmm. So I'm on the fifth circle. This makes sense to me, somehow, you may be onto something.

-I'm huge already and prepared to not be able to stand upright by the end. Misterpie is drafting plans for a modified unicycle to go under my belly.

-See, and I hate Gap tops because they are way too long for my short torso, so at least it works for someone! But may have to go look at that wrap top, which looks awesome, and just see...

-Pumpkinpie never figured out where the exit was - in fact, she never dropped, and after 20-some hours of labour I was still only 1 cm. Maybe you'll go fast like HBM when your time comes?

-Wow. I can't believe you didn't demand another ultrasound so you could know the sex - I would be a basket case if I couldn't plan ahead!

foop said...

I so remember thinking "someone get this &%$!?!! alien parasite out of my body".

Good luck with that.

And please tell your neighbors I said that the world doesn't need any more &%$!?!! Chihuahuas. Nothing against the dogs themselves (ok, other than the fact that they're little furry staple guns), but enough already.

mothergoosemouse said...

The slicing part is not so awesome, but the drugs...well, I can see how those might be addictive.

But 4 cm dilated? I didn't even get that far after 30 hours of pitocin. That baby has got to be ready.

Redneck Mommy said...

Here I was all worried I missed your big d-day. Good to know you are still gestating.

But for the sake of your unborn child, and the rest of your family, I hope this new chicklet falls out of it's hidey hole and into your waiting arms SOON.

But cheer up, I've sent you something.

Presents from your favorite Redneck.

That ought to put a smile on that grouchy face of yours.

Thinking of you. (And thanking God I'm not gestating....heh.)

the new girl said...

Hopefully, by the time you read this comment, you'll be breastfeeding!

OMG. 4cm and 80% effaced? I can't believe that the baby isn't half-way out, dude!!

Ruth Dynamite said...

Have you had the baby yet? You should have it today because it's my great Aunt Hilda's birthday!

KIDDING! (I know you're NOT in the mood for this, unless, perhaps, you've had the baby?)

Thinking of you, Mrs. Chicky. Breathe...Be well...Happiness.

Backpacking Dad said...

Regardless of when the baby comes, just keep telling him/her: "Remember kid, narrow shoulders. You can get as big as you want later, but for now let's just think streamlined."

mo-wo said...

Ok OK

I'll help.

I 'listen' in silence to these 'I just want it over' stories. And, then I kind of burst.

I rail on, quite unsympathetically, about how I went to 41 weeks to deliver my 10+lb little guy.'


I generally say -- STOP THINKING ABOUT labour. Let it go. Enjoy the waning days of only childhood for ... Wonder Baby .... or Juniper... or in this case Chicky.

Then... No posts.
No posts for a couple days.

They have their babies.

So comon, lucky seven. Bring it on for the Chicky Chicky Sista! Ride on mo-wo labour coaxing nagging.

mo-wo said...

Also, my mother says you have the baby as soon as you grow out of your entire wardrobe save one. When you have only one thing left in the closet to wear; the baby comes.

So maybe too many clothes is the problem.

goodtwin said...

I wish you the best of luck on your new arrival.

Emma said...

Best post name ever. Have you tried Clary Sage oil massaged on your feet? Even if it doesn't work, damn a footrub feels good when you're waiting for a baby to arrive! Best of luck.

JMC said...

Ha! Love your Dante comparison!

Rusti said...

and I'm just now at about 8 weeks... Heaven help me...

good luck to you - I hope you give birth SOON!!! :)