Monday, May 26, 2008

Let's play Piss Off the Pregnant Lady!

Match the answers with the typical questions a pregnant woman gets when she's so ready to deliver her baby she's giving the bathroom plunger the eye! The winner gets absolutely nothing except a hearty "Congratulations!" and a "F*ck off and die!"

a) No, so f*ck off.
b) F*ck off and die.
c) Yes, it was yesterday. F*ck off.
d) May you swim in a fetid swamp filled with hungry leeches who love to chew on human genitalia. And F*ck off.
e) Tired, cranky, whiny with an underlying bitchiness with a side order of general malaise and an itchy trigger finger. In other words, I could go postal at any moment and no jury of my peers would ever convict me. Oh, and f*ck off.


1) Isn't it past your due date?
2) Have you had the baby yet?
3) How are you feeling?
4) You must be really ready to get that baby out, huh?
5) Can you wait and have the baby on Wednesday because that's my husband's/wife's/dog's birthday?

-----------------

I gotta tell you, the plunger is looking really good to me. I should probably ask my husband to lock it up somewhere safe because that wouldn't be a pretty sight at 2:30am. And since I haven't slept in weeks and the baby's head is so far down in my pelvis that I feel as if I could reach in there and stroke her hair, it's totally possible.

Expect to see me around your blog ('cause what the hell else can I do right about now?) but don't expect me to comment. You wouldn't want me to anyway since I'd probably write something inappropriate and profane. But know that I love you anyway.

My OB told me last week that she was pretty certain I wouldn't make my due date, given how far along I was. I know there are no certainties in this world, but I'm certain I would like to leave a flaming bag of dog poop on her front steps right about now.

I either give birth to really stubborn girls or there's a tree frog in my uterus who is holding on to the sides of my uterus for dear life. I'm leaning toward the later right now. So tonight I'm going to have a glass of wine and try to chill out about the whole thing. I dare some troll to give me a hard time about the wine thing. Actually, with how I'm feeling I kind of welcome it. (See: answer e above).

55 comments:

kittenpie said...

Heck, at this point, it couldn't hurt, and maybe mercifully put you to sleep for a while, given how long it's been since a good glass, right?

Now that HBM has finally achieved touchdown, I'm anxiously waiting and crossing my fingers (but not legs) for you to follow soon!

Sarah Kimmel said...

Awww.... when I saw it in my feed reader it only had the "answers" so I thought we would be able to create the questions that would generate such responses... darn. Oh well... fun to play anyway

1-C
2-A
3-E
4-B
5-D

Although, my pretend question to #1was "Wow, you are huge! Are you having twins?"... which is what I got ALLLLLLLL the time (and I'm a tiny person)

Christina said...

I remember being past my due date last year and enduring those same questions. Actually, it was this night one year ago that I finally went into labor, 5 days after my due date.

May that baby come out soon so you can get no sleep for an entirely different reason. At least you'll feel more comfortable.

Backpacking Dad said...

I've had the comment window open for a good 15 minutes now, and the only thing that's come to mind is a series of "Your Momma" jokes.

So, "Your momma's so ugly, they renamed 'Halloween', 'Yomammaween'."

Happy birthing.

SUEB0B said...

Wine! Think of the preshus chilldred! (Somebody had to say it first. Dodging toilet plunger. Srsly, if pregnant women couldn't drink a glass of wine, do you think anyone in France would ever have 2 kids??)

Jenni said...

have two glasses. heck, have three. the kid is cooked anyways. you might actaully get some rest.

Heather said...

I feel for you, I do. My kids would still be inside if we didn't forceably remove them. This one is the only one that has been born before my due date.

May you join the ranks of the sore nipples soon.

The Walsh's said...

Oh I just can't imagine. I gave birth at 5 1/2 months to a one pounder so I can't relate for a second, but I'm hoping that thing comes out soon. Your post made me appreciate 4 months in the hospital with my little one
(not really) and avoiding the pains of labor (again, not really), but if I were the selfish type, you woulda had me at hello.

Get outta there you crazy baby!

flutter said...

Dyson?

no?

hell.

catnip said...

I think you're officially in the 10th circle of hell now. Yikes.

beth - total mom haircut said...

I pity the troll who messes with you right now.

Redneck Mommy said...

I'm not feeling sorry for you...sorry. You give birth to cute kidlets and you are only a little over due.

When you carry that tree frog of yours for 17 extra days like I did with my daughter, than I'll feel sorry for you.

Of course, I can say this with impunity because I happen to know you're arms aren't long enough to reach up into Canada and choke the life out of me and then beat my lifeless body with that plunger of yours.

But feel free to imagine it while you are still gestating.

Heh.

In the mean time, if you get a parcel notification from your post office, think of me.

Cuz I'm thinking of you. And hoping like heck you have that kid soon, cuz you are cussing like a sailor and quite frankly it's freaking me out.

mm said...

Red wine. Red wine tannins can help in early labour. OFTEN it is recommended to have a glass. Helps mom and babe to chill and get ready for the big event.
seriously.
Yeah, don't get that from What to Expect do you? ... burn that book by the way!
Anyway. Drink, rest, go to the chiropractor, or get an accupuncturist who guarantees their work or the next treatment is free.
They are out there! Just look!
Red Wine, Chiropractic care and accupuncture. Three sure fire ways to kick start labour. I am purposely leaving out the sex one.
=)

Motherhood Uncensored said...

Ya know, I was just thinking that I hadn't read a post from you in awhile and maybe you had had the baby.

But alas, I was wrong.

Drink up, kid.

Barb @ getupandplay said...

I am laughing at the tree frog in your uterus analogy! Your funny isn't impaired at all by a having a huge fetus parasite still inside you! You can do it!

cooler*doula said...

Yeah, acupuncture. I have an appointment in the am, and I'm only at 39 and 1...

Crazed Mom said...

Dang, they make life hell even before they are born don't they? I have teens so we are over the cute and sweet and fun stages at the moment. My 17yo just screamed at me for no reason....maybe I should...naw. Forget it.

I'm thinking shots of tequila myself.

JaniceNW

Feener said...

hang in there !!! so close. keep your eye on the prize !! speaking of prizes, go check out my latest giveaway perfect for you little late one.

Major Bedhead said...

Have the wine. Maybe it will help. And if it doesn't help, maybe it will make you forget for a bit. I was 10 days late with O. It's not even a little bit fun.

wish.wait.hope.pray said...

I thought the term "fourth trimester" was just one of those crappy marketing terms for clothing companies but I htink you've just redefined it!

Mac and Cheese said...

I'm gonna have nightmares about frogs now.

mothergoosemouse said...

Actually, I'm a fan of inappropriate and profane, so comment away. And you know I won't give you any garbage about imbibing.

jen said...

this makes me want to hold you.

do you want me to hold you?

SciFi Dad said...

Show of hands: who had to pause for a moment to get the plunger joke?

Anyone? Bueller?

OK, so that was just me.

Sooo... inducing labour... hmmm... what if you ate, like, a whole chocolate cake and filled your stomach so much that it pushed the baby out? Do you think that would work? (And even if not, you get chocolate cake, which I know has caffeine, but you're not sleeping anyways, right?)

Leeanthro said...

I loved the tree frog visual!

I never dilated in either pregnancy, so I feel your frustration. Lots of contractions, but no give.

Velma said...

I'm sending you "holiday-traffic-is-over- so-go-ahead-and-arrive and-it's-rainy-and-c'mon-already" vibes.

Ladybug's Picnic said...

41 week club, WOOOOOOOHOOOO! I sincerely hope you don't get to 41 weeks like I did. The wine didn't help me a goddamn bit but it was gooooood. So go for it.

Don Mills Diva said...

Took me a moment to get the plunger joke too...once I did I felt damn sorry for you...

Come on baby!

Julie Pippert said...

I think B is the right answer for all. ;)

(And FTR I got the bathroom plunger right away. It might be...having BTDT, you know, in sentiment, not in actuality LOL. Oh, wait, actually, maybe I sorta did have the hospital equivalent of a plunger...Patience literally clung to my uterus with her hand. I am not making this up. I have a doctor verified certificate of story authenticity. Yes, it hurt that much.)

I see you still about today so my full sympathy.

To the baby: Time's up!

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

Thinking of you!

3XMom said...

Hang in there --hoping your in labor right now! (that is a weird thing to want for someone)

Angela said...

Oy! This is really not fair. I hope the wine helps. If not with labor then with sleep or relaxing a bit.

Surely this is going to happen very soon. (Although hopefully NOT as dramatically and fast as HerBadMother's did!)

Easy labor vibes coming your way too.

carrie said...

Cheers!

sam said...

DRINK IT! In fact, I've had one already and am contemplating sending the husband to get more for me.

6 days overdue today, induction scheduled for tomorrow. I feel your pain. I really really do.

BOSSY said...

Bossy's second kid was late by three days, which felt more like 4320 minutes to Bossy.

Hang in kid. Not you, baby, you need to come out. Hang on Chicky, though.

lildb said...

i love you and your long, baby-filled torso. I can't wait to give you a big-ass hug in july. (pls don't break my heart and say you're not going.)

and kiss that sweet kiddo on the head.

that is all.

xoxooxoxo

lildb said...

p.s. Jack was a week late. I drank wine, had sex, drank some more wine, and had some more sex. and many stupid prodromal labor contractions. it is not the kind of fun i would with on people i hate, let alone someone to whom i am highly devoted.

baby! now hear this! evacuate! you have a big sister to mess with, and a mama and dad to get kisses and smooshy love from. MOVE IT!

lildb said...

p.s.2. evidently, i lisp. that should've been "fun i would WISH on" - not "with on."

Fairly Odd Mother said...

Hoping that the baby is getting herself into position for the big arrival S-O-O-N. If not, try threatening to post her 13 year old school photo on the internet someday if she doesn't start labor NOW.

motherbumper said...

Tree frogs can get into my uterus? Dang.

And you are drinking wine you lunatic? [I just want an email from you telling me to fuck right off]

Alex Elliot said...

Must be some sort of conspiracy with these May babies because Sex and Knitty's baby won't come out either.

Swistle said...

You would think that an OBSTETRICIAN of all people would know not to make ANY predictions about birth timing. Dimmy.

RubiaLala said...

Feel free to leave a f*ck off comment on my blog.

Pgoodness said...

tree frog analogy is priceless.
sorry that kid is hanging in there...wine=good. hmm...trampoline? roller coaster?

meh, got nuthin. sorry.

BABY! GET OUT OF THERE ALREADY!!!

Black Hockey Jesus said...

So how are you feeling?

angie said...

I feel you girl. Out of 7 babies, only 1 came slightly early. Everyone else made me wait. and spit.

Vicki said...

I can't relate either because my twins were 10 weeks early and that was after 4 weeks in the hospital. Yuck!! Anyways, best wishes and I'm sending the official eviction notice to your spawn. Out! Out! Little spot! Good luck for an easy delivery and no tearing!!

mamatulip said...

Both my kids were late.

I know.

Kimberly said...

Pul-ease. At this point, drink two glasses.

Come to the light, baby girl!

Mom101 said...

I think b can actually be the answer for all of them, right?

So I'm just going to go with that.

Am thinking of you Mrs. C! Hang in there!

Ruth Dynamite said...

Am waiting patiently for some exciting news!

Vicki said...

Has anyone heard anything yet? I'm dying to know if the baby is here yet...

Her Bad Mother said...

The brutal irony is that once that baby starts to come out (regardless of whether they do it the hard way, like mine did) you start wishing that you'd just stay pregnant. That's fleeting, though. When it's over, you're so grateful, and it's so worth it. And YOU WILL GET THERE.

I hope you're there now. I really do.

xoxo

justmylife said...

Drink up! And feel free to stop by my site and you can leave any nasty comment you want to. You deserve it! I have resisted the urge to ask many of the listed questions right here in the comments, I fear your wreth in my inbox! heh! Good Luck and sending labor vibes your way!!!!

Lawyer Mama said...

Babe, I hope she's moved out of there by now. If not, I'm sending you a trampoline.