Thursday, February 15, 2007

No no's in the snow snow

Things I have learned never to do when there is a snow storm (based on past experiences):

- NEVER chase a boy across a snowy school yard for the sole reason of beating him up because he told everyone that you liked another boy when you so didn't. The result will be a broken arm - after you slip on some ice that was under the snow - and therefore ending your fifth grade basketball career. And the nice doctor who sets your arm will see you in your Wonder Woman Underroos - which you were about one year too old to be wearing - and that embarrassment will scar you for life.

- NEVER go joy riding with a group of friends in your parent's car in a snow storm because you may not be as lucky as you were to not hit that giant oak tree. Next time you might plow into it instead of just kissing it with the bumper. (Don't tell my Dad, okay?)

- NEVER try to drive home from college in your 1982 rear-wheel drive Chevy Monte Carlo during a snow storm. You and your car will end up stranded sideways on a giant hill, therefore necessitating a tow truck and drawing the ire of your fellow motorists who knew that if they stopped to allow the tow truck to move your freaking boat of an automobile they may never get started up that hill again, you stupid, ditzy college girl.

- NEVER try to drive home from college in a snow storm in your 1982 rear-wheel drive Chevy Monte Carlo just to see your boyfriend, because you'll just end up marrying the guy when you're way too young and then divorcing his hick ass.

- NEVER try to drive your fiance's truck to work in the middle of the biggest snow storm in years - at 5 o'clock in the morning - because you'll just end up getting it stuck in the parking lot in a haphazard fashion that will make it impossible for the line of cars next to you to get their cars out of the parking lot when it's actually safe to do so.

Seriously, where the hell did I think I was going? We got, like, three feet of snow. Did I really think I was going to make it to work? Did I really think the place would blow up without me? Why yes, yes I did.

(And if you would have taken the advice before that and you wouldn't have driven home from college to see this guy to begin with you wouldn't have ended up at that job, and you wouldn't have needed to leave for work at the ass crack of dawn, and you wouldn't have had that damn truck, and you wouldn't have lived together for four unhappy years, and you wouldn't have ended up a divorcee. What does that have to do with snow? I have no idea.)

- And when you've finally dumped the previous husband and gotten yourself a new one, and you're deliriously happy and the two of you are soon going to have a baby, NEVER take it upon yourself to go out and shovel snow (because the wonderful husband is on a business trip for his wonderful job), ESPECIALLY when you have pregnancy-related sciatica, because you will end up in SERIOUS pain. Swallow your pride and let the nice neighbor do it for you. Stop trying to be a hero. You dumbass.

And what I've just recently learned:

- If you're planning on getting some lovin' that night NEVER try to shovel heavy wet snow off your walkway just to impress your husband with your snow shoveling prowess. Why? Because, first: Impressing your husband with snow shoveling? Really? And, second: With your history of back problems you will, once again, end up in SERIOUS pain (and feeling slightly ill, too) therefore trashing the possibility of any monkey love happening that evening. Or the evening after. But possibly the evening after that. With the help of muscle relaxers.

- The next day, after more icy, wet snow has fallen, NEVER put your kid in her car seat and leave her in there with the car running while you try to remove the heavy crust of snow from your car just so you can drive her to her playgroup, because you just might LOCK HER IN THE DAMN CAR AND YOU'LL BE SO LUCKY IF YOU FIND THE EXTRA SET OF KEYS, YOU STUPID WENCH.


Just another public service announcement from your friends at Chicky Chicky Baby.

49 comments:

PunditMom said...

Damn those rear-wheel drive cars! Thanks for the great tips!

Deanna (Domestic Chicky) said...

Hmmm...something's telling me that you need to move out here to California....Um, it's gonna be 80* here tomorrow...

(ducks to avoid thrown objects)

Whirlwind said...

I'm glad you got Chicky Baby out!

I almost brought Einey to school this morning(depite her being sick all day yesterday) for the whole 2.5 hours (1/2 day and 90 min. delay) for her Valentine's Day Party.

That wa suntil I went outside and saw my van covered in a 1/2 inch of ice. I said screw it and left the van an icicle. I hope it melts soon!

Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

Oh! The things I learn here...Thank you for that.

Jill said...

When I locked my little chicky in my car, AAA couldn't come but the police could. I got a long lecture because, you know, I didn't feel STUPID enough.

mamatulip said...

Oh, Mrs. Chicky, youse be a funny wench.

I have my own NEVER to add: Never decide that the middle of the worst snowstorm in years to hit your area is the time for you to drive to your daughter's school and drop off her Junior Kindergarten registration forms. Because you will end up getting stuck in the snow in your husband's Explorer and will subsequently snap his brake line, rendering said brakes useless.

Yeah. We have similar posts up today. ;)

Sparky Duck said...

my sides are hurting, not a good feeling when your side is hurting from coughing already, but your right shoveling will put you out of commission for weeks.

ECR said...

There's a moral to these stories. Winter sucks.

Mamacita Tina said...

I'm clueless when it comes to snow, so I will take your advice and store it for a what if kind of day. That last one has happened to a few of my friends, one lucky girl has a hubby who's a police officer, no problem when there were no spare set of keys.

Pattie said...

Thanks for giving me a reason not to feel homesick about leaving the Northeast
:)

Christina said...

I see we're both having our issues with the snow today. Although yours are more internal, while mine are more with the bastards who live around me.

Although actually, I did e-mail my husband to yell at him this afternoon for making me clean the snow off of my own car while this pregnant. His response? "Well, if you would have asked, I would have done it." Uh, yeah, sure - he knew I had to go out to work today.

metro mama said...

At least you learn from your mistakes!

moosh in indy. said...

You're sooooo my hero.

K said...

wow. you need a wine. now.

Damselfly said...

I will take all of your advice to heart, even if I've never had to drive in snow or ice. These weather reports look horrible!

(And how sweet of you to shovel the snow to impress your hubby! ;) )

cooler*doula said...

No snow in the South (or the even further south, that is the original homeland). THANK you baby JESUS!

But seriously now - impress your husband with your manual labor skillz? This is bad, very bad. Stop it at once.

cape buffalo said...

add to that: don't drive around with your girlfriends stealing 'for sale' signs off of people's yards and putting them on all the yard of all the boys who've done you wrong because on the way home? You'll drive the 4 of you off the road and into a ditch and have to walk almost a mile to the nearest house and a special truck will have to come with a winch-thingy to pull your car out. And you mom will be REALLY mad.

Or so I've heard.

Mamma said...

So wish you had written this earlier. Could have saved me from breaking my nose in fourth grade in the school yard. Frozen ground v. 10 year-old nose...no contest!

Kristi said...

Duly noted.

cry it out! said...

As I always do, I got sidetracked by the words "monkey love" but then I snapped back into the here and now and thought: holy sweet jebus, that is a fantastic post!

lisa's chaos said...

Could it be those four unhappy years have helped lead you to your current bliss? I prefer to see my past (even breaking my arm in 7th grade by pushing some kids round and round on the merry-go-round) as the things that led me to my current contentment. Hurrah for misery when it finally ends somewhere.

penelopeto said...

ok, lemme get this one straight - it snows, i stay home. don't move. go nowhere. do nothing. yep, got it.

Avalon said...

Oh no you did not! Didja get her out??

BTW, I actually did do the second one in high school. 6 of us in a Volkswagen....the driver had no license. He DID NOT miss the tree. it was about 3 in the morning. We had all been drinking, so we piled out of the car and left it there. Yes, the Police came knocking in the morning!

megachick said...

ooho, pregnancy sciatica. yuck. i had that soooo bad with my first-i actually got stuck on our basement stairs. couldn't go up, couldn't go down. i just stood there for about 10 minutes while my husband laughed his keester off. thanks, babe.

Julie said...

I totally had those Wonder Woman Underoos - they were great. I also had Josie and the Pussycat ones as well. I wish they still sold them, my 5 year old would LOVE them.

Sandra said...

Great PSA my friend. I have missed you!

binkytown said...

Oh no- you didn't really did you?

Lisa said...

Gah. Me and snow don't mix either.

But wow you seem to have a really rough track record with the white stuff.

T. said...

What, no mad monkey love?

I'm feeling for you darling. Since I've been swinging from the trees these past few nights.

Thanks for the PSA. But I live in the freaking ARCTIC so I'm fairly educated in this area.

I can add one never of my own though.

Never bring your toddler and your infant (still in his bucket seat) in from the house after an evening of grocery shopping in a blizzard (cuz you just have to get out of the house) and put your keys down on the high chair. Then don't proceed to leave your toddler and infant alone so that you may retrieve the groceries from the car.

Because your toddler may lock the door behind you, with your only set of keys sitting in the house.

You will watch your toddler climb onto the kitchen table, wave to mommy and then proceed to poke holes into all the mandarin oranges sitting in a bowl on the table.

While you panic and freeze your ass off in the damn blizzard. Until you knock on multiple doors until someone lets you in to call your husband to come home.

While you wait for him, you may just have your nose pressed against your window and try to convince the toddler to let mommy into the house. She won't.

I'm just saying.

You aren't alone.

Her Bad Mother said...

You had WonderWoman Underoos? Dooooood!!!! ME TOO!

Her Bad Mother said...

You had WonderWoman Underoos? Dooooood!!!! ME TOO!

TB said...

As someone who is currently experiencing pregnancy related sciatica let me just say, I feel you.

Shoveling snow is the most strenuous exercise you can do by the way. That's why so many people have heart attacks whilst doing it.

I hope your back feels better soon!

radioactive girl said...

I would still totally wear underoos if they came in my size!

I don't like snow and none of that stuff ever happened to me. Hope your back is beter and that you found the keys quickly!

FENICLE said...

I hope your back is feeling better!!! I've accidentally locked our son & the neighbor's young child in our house one time!!! Thank goodness we were able to find a spare key outside. I've have been mortified to call a locksmith and explain why I went out the front door and shut it behind me knowing full well it was locked!!!

Irreverent Antisocial Intellectual said...

I really do not miss snow. Not.one.bit.
Does your bad back mean you weren't able to offer Mr. Chicky a reciprocal gift? Uh-oh ...

lildb said...

I love snow, but dude. Right now, I kind of hate it for your sake in these anecdotes.

esp. the last one. ESPECIALLY the last one.

Jonathon said...

i miss snow. but i do not miss driving in it. AT ALL.

Kevin Charnas said...

Ohhh...I remember a few of these. I just didn't have the "hick boyfriend". Or...did I? Maybe in hindsight, I did.

creative-type dad said...

Yikes!
I get no snow. This is all crazy to me. I'm going outside - it's 84 today (the way it should be)

mothergoosemouse said...

Great PSAs. I'm just sorry that you had experience them all personally.

Surviving Motherhood said...

Something tells me you would be much safer moving to a warmer and slightly less snowy state!

Fairly Odd Mother said...

AWESOME! I think you should be living somewhere warm and snow free! Although who knows what you'd try to do in a hurriciane!

joy said...

It might just be me, but I'm sensing a theme here.

roll on spring!

Mitch McDad said...

So you're saying....just stay in the house when it snows.

I should have read this prior to our drive home from the mountains Friday. We really could have easily died.

Ruth Dynamite said...

Oh Mrs. Chicky. Lay down your snow shovel and call it a day. Take a nice hot bath, then snuggle into some dry underoos and sleep until spring. It won't be long now.

BlogWhore said...

that was %&$# funny.

Mad Hatter said...

Have you thought of moving south?

Mel said...

Never take your son to school after a wet snow, when you have a gut feeling you shouldn't just because you need to have a day not trapped in the house with both kiddos. You will end up with your big ol' SUV careening through a snowy cornfield with a 2 year old asking "Mommy are we still on the road? Why does this not feel like road? Are we on the road, mommy?"

Great post.

Mom101 said...

Sex on Percocet isn't all that bad, is it? Silver lining? Maybe?