No no's in the snow snow

Things I have learned never to do when there is a snow storm (based on past experiences):

- NEVER chase a boy across a snowy school yard for the sole reason of beating him up because he told everyone that you liked another boy when you so didn't. The result will be a broken arm - after you slip on some ice that was under the snow - and therefore ending your fifth grade basketball career. And the nice doctor who sets your arm will see you in your Wonder Woman Underroos - which you were about one year too old to be wearing - and that embarrassment will scar you for life.

- NEVER go joy riding with a group of friends in your parent's car in a snow storm because you may not be as lucky as you were to not hit that giant oak tree. Next time you might plow into it instead of just kissing it with the bumper. (Don't tell my Dad, okay?)

- NEVER try to drive home from college in your 1982 rear-wheel drive Chevy Monte Carlo during a snow storm. You and your car will end up stranded sideways on a giant hill, therefore necessitating a tow truck and drawing the ire of your fellow motorists who knew that if they stopped to allow the tow truck to move your freaking boat of an automobile they may never get started up that hill again, you stupid, ditzy college girl.

- NEVER try to drive home from college in a snow storm in your 1982 rear-wheel drive Chevy Monte Carlo just to see your boyfriend, because you'll just end up marrying the guy when you're way too young and then divorcing his hick ass.

- NEVER try to drive your fiance's truck to work in the middle of the biggest snow storm in years - at 5 o'clock in the morning - because you'll just end up getting it stuck in the parking lot in a haphazard fashion that will make it impossible for the line of cars next to you to get their cars out of the parking lot when it's actually safe to do so.

Seriously, where the hell did I think I was going? We got, like, three feet of snow. Did I really think I was going to make it to work? Did I really think the place would blow up without me? Why yes, yes I did.

(And if you would have taken the advice before that and you wouldn't have driven home from college to see this guy to begin with you wouldn't have ended up at that job, and you wouldn't have needed to leave for work at the ass crack of dawn, and you wouldn't have had that damn truck, and you wouldn't have lived together for four unhappy years, and you wouldn't have ended up a divorcee. What does that have to do with snow? I have no idea.)

- And when you've finally dumped the previous husband and gotten yourself a new one, and you're deliriously happy and the two of you are soon going to have a baby, NEVER take it upon yourself to go out and shovel snow (because the wonderful husband is on a business trip for his wonderful job), ESPECIALLY when you have pregnancy-related sciatica, because you will end up in SERIOUS pain. Swallow your pride and let the nice neighbor do it for you. Stop trying to be a hero. You dumbass.

And what I've just recently learned:

- If you're planning on getting some lovin' that night NEVER try to shovel heavy wet snow off your walkway just to impress your husband with your snow shoveling prowess. Why? Because, first: Impressing your husband with snow shoveling? Really? And, second: With your history of back problems you will, once again, end up in SERIOUS pain (and feeling slightly ill, too) therefore trashing the possibility of any monkey love happening that evening. Or the evening after. But possibly the evening after that. With the help of muscle relaxers.

- The next day, after more icy, wet snow has fallen, NEVER put your kid in her car seat and leave her in there with the car running while you try to remove the heavy crust of snow from your car just so you can drive her to her playgroup, because you just might LOCK HER IN THE DAMN CAR AND YOU'LL BE SO LUCKY IF YOU FIND THE EXTRA SET OF KEYS, YOU STUPID WENCH.


Just another public service announcement from your friends at Chicky Chicky Baby.