Thursday, May 15, 2008

Eviction notice

The food in my refrigerator is mocking me.

It goes way beyond the morning sickness that has come back with a vengeance - which is, apparently, quite common at this point in pregnancy - or the lack of room in my stomach to put anything nourishing. There are at least two, probably more, items in my fridge with the sell or consume by date of May 25.

My due date.

I look at the milk and think Oh great, I have another 10 days before this goes bad! And then I realize Oh crap, I still technically have 10 more days until this baby is actually suppose to spring forth from my lady parts. You don't even want to know how I feel when I look at the yogurt.

Time is funny that way. Six of one, half dozen of another. It's all perception and right now I perceive my head to be hitting a wall over and over again.

If I have to go all the way to term I might hurt someone. The last few weeks are hell on a pregnant woman and, to me anyway, the second pregnancy's ninth month is particularly horrible. Now that things are basically squared away in our lives, the baby has the blessing of everyone to come at any time. No more stressing and sitting with my legs crossed, I want to get up and walk and get this damn baby out. But walking around Target feeling like I'm carrying a bowling ball between my legs is no picnic. However, if I have to suspend a rabid cat from my pelvis to add to the weight, dammit, I will be walking. And jumping. And "running" up and down the stairs. Anything to expedite the passage of this child.

So consider this your eviction notice, child of mine. It's closing time at Chez Mama. Last call and all that. If you stay any longer you're going to start funking up the joint. Take your placenta and leave.

And please don't let the door of my uterus hit you on the way out.


Anonymous said...

Had to laugh. Not only did my uterus door hit my twins on the way out, the door was then nailed closed and the factory shut down. Right after the twins were born people used to ask if I was getting any sleep. They never understood why I always said, "YES! Finally." Hang in there.

Sarahviz said...

Sending blissfull epidural vibes your way!

Anonymous said...

I too was anxious to evict baby #2. Everyone kept saying eat Chinese food. I don't go in for those old wives tales. Finally my mother-in-law brought Chinese food for dinner one night (I think she was sick of hearing me complain).

I was in labor within 24 hours.

General Gao's chicken anyone?

Good luck!

Cassie said...

I feel your pain. I'm due June 5th and I'm telling the baby everyday to just go ahead and get out! I just want my back to stop hurting and my husband to stop making fun of my waddle!

justmylife said...

My second one waited until the day after his due date to arrive. He tried for three months to get here and the doctors kept stopping him, I guess he showed me!

Heather said...

Hee hee! I can laugh because I'm there with you girlfriend. I, at least, have a definite day that this kid will be evicted if she doesn't come sooner...6 more days.

Elleoz said...

Sex.. and lots of it. I've heard it works. ;)

I so remember that feeling and I don't envy you at all.

Hang in there. You will be meeting that little one in no time at all.

Run ANC said...

First time around it was Thai Spicy Noodle for me - I kid not!

I did the same thind wit food due dates.

motherbumper said...

Oh those last few weeks are so freakin' hellish - I remember rolling over and having to heave my belly over to the other side. Ugh. And the fact that you are feeling sick again is so f'ing unfair, I wish I could come spoon feed you something - chocolate covered castor oil beads perhaps? Yes chicky2.0 - get the heck out and don't forget the placenta. Do it now girl, ya' hear!

Erin said...

You poor thing! I remember being there, and I feel for you!! I'm sending baby expulsion vibes your way!

Anonymous said...

I'll have to keep coming back to read these comments to see if there are any new ideas for the next time I get pregnant! Last time I tried everything (spicy foods, sex, walking, walking, and more walking... also ice cream or a milkshake every day past my due date!), but my son still came 11 days late. OK, actually, I tried everything EXCEPT castor oil. I drew the line there! Besides, I have since known a girl who took it three times (!!!) and it did not work.

Sending lots of happy castor-oil-free labor vibes your way! :)

Julie Pippert said...

Oh my gosh. Between you and Catherine I am adding one more note to the "why I'm okay that I won't be able to be pregnant again" list.

All I can say is good luck. And...good luck. Okay and...easy, on time labor wishes.

Blog Antagonist said...

OOH, girlfriend, I feel your pain. But listen, seriously, if your cervix is not ripe and that baby is not ready, nothing you can do will help.

I don't recommend castor oil, ever. I know people swear by it, but any cause and effect is purely coincidental. So you might end up in labor incidentally, but you'll also have a whopping case of diahreah. Just say no.

There are two things that sometimes help IF you're body is heading in that direction anyway.

1. Semen. The prostaglandins in the semen help the cervix to ripen which leads to dilation.

2. Walking/standing. Gravity will cause the baby's head to put pressure on the cervix, which can also aid in dilation.

Now..that said...the semen does not have to be erm...applied the traditional way. The delivery method does not matter, as long as it makes contact with the cervix. And..forgive me, can also be effective taken internally, although less so.

Do not, I repeat, do not use Black or Blue Cohosh without competent supervision. They can be very dangerous. Though they are botanical derivatives, they are still very powerful and should not be messed around with.

You can drink red raspberry tea. It won't bring labor on, but it can help labor along and easy labor pain by stimulating blood flow to the uterus and improving uterine muscle tone. It's also a good galactagogue (helps your body make milk.)

Sorry..enough rambling. Hope that baby is ready to move out soon.

BOSSY said...

You just brought back so many memories... when Bossy was 9 months pregnant (both times) she became obsessed with the expiration dates in her refrigerator and calculating how many cartons of milk would expire before her baby's arrival.

Fairly Odd Mother said...

It just can't happen soon enough at this point, can it? Just try to remember that unless you spontaneously decide to gain 40 pounds, (or get pregnant!), you won't feel like this again! Walking around saying, "I'll never feel this again" to myself somehow made it seem a bit better as I waddled to the bathroom or tried to tie my shoes.

Carolyn S. said...

You're in the home stretch - I can't wait to hear the news when the baby finally does come out.

And I recommend tears or threats with your doctor. Either will work in getting him to induce labor if done properly.


moo said...

Oh, gosh when I was pregnant, I wanted my son to stay IN THERE for as long as possible, because I wanted my mat. leave to work out a certain way.

Sure enough, the little sucker decided to be born 3 weeks early, thus messing EVERYTHING up and setting the stage for YEARS to come.

*sigh* said...

Have you tried waving a lollipop or a piece of gum near your nether regions? My kids will do anything for a lollipop or a piece of gum.

Anyway...Easy Labor Vibes to you, and calm, calm, calm until delivery day.

~*~~~*~~~~*~~~*~ <--- EZ Labor Vibes

kittenpie said...

Okay, you and catherine and my own feeling uncomfy at all of 5 months and the thought of being huge all summer are starting to make me really question what I've gotten myself into...

wishing you a soon and speedy delivery! Out, out, darn fetus!

Daisy said...

It could happen! My baby #2 was exactly ten days early on the calendar. Let's hope his influence is positive peer pressure on yours.

Stephanie Wilson she/her @babysteph said...

Oh you're scaring me! I never had morning sickness as bad as I did with this pregnancy and now I'm scared it will come back? I will second the red raspberry tea and tablets. Worked wonders for me. Eliminated the 2nd stage of labor completely! And a 9 month chiropractor visit might help- I had one with my last pregnancy and went into labor the next day- 8 days early.


SUEB0B said...

Hey, wait - you're PREGNANT? lololol

Liv said...

oh, honey. that last month of the 2nd pregnancy is hellish. i remember it well. must have scared the shit out of peep bec. she took a dump in the womb! kids are so special.

the mama bird diaries said...

Hang in there. I hope the baby comes soon. Both my kids were 10 days but that will not happen to you. No way.

Swistle said...

Oh, I LOVVVVVVE that part! When the expiration dates are AFTER my due date!

Cass said...

A year later, I am due the same day you were last year ... and this made me laugh so hard!

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