Thursday, April 12, 2007

A glimpse into the mind of a dieting woman

7am - Woman wakes to the sound of her child singing to herself. Can't quite make out the song because last night's sex dream is still fogging her mind. She fights to hold on to it because it was that good.

Mmmm, Tyler Florence.

Wait. Does the TV chef turn her on or is she excited by the thought of a man with access to that much food?

Eh. Either way...

7:15 - Mmm... Tyler. That feels good. I like the way you're slowly working your way up my thigh. Oooh, the rubbing, the caressing...

Okay, was that my thigh or a leg of lamb?

Eh. Either way... Come to Mama.

7:30am - The singing coming from her daughter's room is getting louder, waking the woman from her sexy dream. The woman finally realizes what her daughter has been singing to herself. Baa Baa Black Sheep. She decides the moment is ruined and gets out of bed.

7:31am - The woman rubs her eyes and considers stretching. You know, to get the old blood pumping. She reaches down to touch her toes and comes face to face - okay, not really, she hasn't stretched in a while - with her unpedicured feet. And look at all the dirty clothes in need of washing. She gives up on stretching and heads upstairs to get her kid. Walking up fifteen steps is exercise, right?

7:45 - Her child now situated in her high chair, the woman heads to the pantry to get her some Cheerios. The Cheerios are right next to a package of mint Oreos.

She thinks, I want a cookie.

She grabs the cereal box and quickly shuts the pantry door.

7:46 - I want a cookie.

7:47 - I'll eat the rest of Chicky's banana.

7:49 - I want a cookie.

7:50 - I'll make some coffee. That's an appetite suppressant.

7:52 - I want a cookie.

7:55 - Mama! Woffee! Mama!

Thanks, hon, you're a peach.

Mmmm, peach flambes with french vanilla ice cream.

7:56 - The coffee is poured. The woman considers adding milk to it, or even taking it black, then decides to add just a little half and half to her coffee. Really, just a little. It won't even be like half and half. More like one sixteenth/one sixteenth.

8am - She tries not to think about how good a donut would taste with her coffee.

8:05 - I want a donut.

8:10 - The woman checks her bloglines, which has at least 10 cooking blogs.

8:15 - I want cheesecake.

9am - Drinks more coffee. She might be up to one fourth/one fourth by now but decides not to be too considered because she's about to work out.

10am - Heads upstairs with kid in tow to work out on the eliptical machine, or as she refers to it, that goddamned dust collector.

10:10 - I hate the eliptical machine.

10:12 - I fucking hate the eliptical machine.

10:14 - I fucking hate the fucking eliptical machine. Fuck.

10:15 - I want a cookie.

10:30 - That's enough of that. Now it's time to do some crunches.

10:40 - Still lying on the floor.

10:42 - Number of crunches done - 0. Number of times she wanted to beat Elmo to death with a stick and eat his little, red monster flesh - 5.

10:45 - Woman wonders to herself how many crunches one would have to do to get a hernia.

10:46 - She decides fifteen.

11am - Still lying on floor.

11:10 - Floor - 1, Woman - 0. Number of crunches done - I lost count after 22, but I think somewhere in the vicinity of... 23.

11:20 - Lunch!

11:30 - Wow. These carrot sticks are pretty tasty. They'd be even more tasty if they were dipped in CHOCOLATE COOKIES.

11:45 - Naptime for Chicky. I could vacuum. That would burn some calories. Nah. I wonder what's on television?

11:46 - Must stay away from the Food Network.

11:47 - Ooh! Tyler Florence. Oh happy day.

11:50 - This is sexy. I'm getting all hot. Look at the way he's handling that pot roast.

12 noon - The Food Network - Porn for Bored Housewives. The Food Network should totally hire me for their ad campaigns.

12:15 - I want a cookie. Dipped in Tyler Florence. With a side of pot roast.

The rest of the day goes the same until that evening, while sitting on her couch watching Dancing with the Stars (Wow, look at those abs. Wow, her dress looks like frosting.) and drinking white wine (Because as you know white wine has far fewer calories. It's, like, having negative calories. Yeah.), the woman finally gives in and has a cookie.

Okay, two cookies.

Fine, three cookies.

Alright, six cookies. Are you happy? Remember, negative calories.

The woman, covered in cookie crumbs from her Oreo orgy heads off to bed and hopes that this night's dreams will involve Tyler Florence and a chocolate cake. Or maybe just the cake.

Either way, it's a win/win situation.

'Cause Mama's hungry for you baby.


Jennifer said...

Mmmm, Tyler Florence. He's better than any cookie!

Dieting blows.

Anonymous said...

Damn woman. You've made me hungry.

And I have to be in a bikini in three weeks.

Shit, shit, shit.

And now I'm lusting after Tyler. No wonder my hubs leaves as often as possible.

A wife covered in cookie crumbs, who talks in her sleep about men she watches on the telly. What guy wouldn't get hot over that?

Anonymous said...

Only a dieting woman fantasizes about celebrity chefs.

Unless, of course, it's Sam from "Top Chef".

NotAMeanGirl said...

LOL you slay me woman! You've nailed my day (except for the exercise *Cough*) Except my "I want a cookie" thoughts are between phone calls of yelling angry people who WANT THEIR NARCOTICS ... NOW! heh... joy...

Anonymous said...

Have you been reading my mind?

Mother Hoodwink said...

Get out of my head!

OhTheJoys said...

I am ashamed of myself today in the diet world. I just ate a MASSIVE INDIAN FOOD DINNER. That is not dieting or following weight watchers or anything. It is just WRONG. But man, was it good.

Anonymous said...

Six cookies? You showed admirable restraint. Seriously. I can kill a sleeve of Thin Mints without a second thought.

And oh how I would love Indian food. With a side of Thin Mints. And a glass of white wine, which I can now justify even more easily than before.

Lawyer Mama said...

Man, now *I* want a cookie!

petite gourmand said...

you are so funny, you seriously crack me up.

I too find Mr. Florence quite foxy.
and I have also been getting my sexy food-network dreams interrupted by a singing toddler..
will I ever get to the "main course" if ya know what I mean..?
oh and if you want more sexy chef material, check out chef Curtis Stone from Australia.
oh yeah..he can stir my pot any day.

Tabba said...

I would say I laughed at this, but as I have some pounds to shed myself, I'll have to be honest and say I chortled.

And I peed my pants a little while I chortled.


Anonymous said...

Oh my God, I am going downstairs for a cookie RIGHT NOW AND IT IS ALL YOUR DARN FAULT.

Damselfly said...

You are so funny! And you're right, we are surrounded by food!

Anonymous said...

Mmmmm... you're making me hungry. And I can't have cookies -- which inevitably have chocolate or milk in them -- until baby grows out of his dairy allergies!

I want a cookie too!!!

Alex Elliot said...

Sounds like my day except I was thinking about cheese fries. The worst part is that I actually broke down and got carryout cheese fries from Friendly's and after two large bites realized that the sour cream was curdled.

Blog Antagonist said...

It's sad that so many of us can identify with this post. Are that many of us so egregiously fat, flabby and unattractive?? God we're hard on ourselves.

That said...I had a sex dream about Gunnar Peterson. I think it's patently unfair that he never shows his six pack in his work out vids, while all the little chippies wear the skimpiest workout gear possible.

If I'm crunching my ass off for him I want to see that man's navel dammit.

Anonymous said...

That was SO FUNNY! I laughed out loud at the carrot sticks dipped in chocolate cookies, and even louder at the cookies dipped in Tyler Florence with a side of pot roast!

Dammit, now I'm hungry.

Girlplustwo said...

don't take this the wrong way, but i think i'm in love with you.

i really do.

karengreeners said...

I'm so nauseous that even a cookie sounds horrible right now.

That's even sadder than being on a diet.

mamatulip said...

Mmmm. Cookies. It's 8.30am. Not too early for cookies, right?

Radioactive Tori said...

I just had cookies for breakfast. I'm glad I did, because I would have wanted them after I read your post anyway!

motherbumper said...

I often eat chocolate peanut butter cups for breakfast - pb is protein right? Anyhow, that's what I had for breaky this AM and probably tomorrow AM. Thank you for (a) making me feel normalish and (b) making me freakin' laugh like a lunatic.

Binky said...

What is it with you bloggers and your sex dreams? Grrr. Not only do I get NONE in real life, but I don't even see any action in my dreams. What am I missing here?

Jenny, the Bloggess said...

Any cheesecake left?

Julie Pippert said...

The good news is that your body does adjust, and adjusts its cravings. By then, your body is so happy for any food that it has shut up its complainng ways. LOL

ms blue said...

If Tyler tastes like chicken that would be a savory dish.

Hmmm... I'm craving a personal chef that could feed something other than chocolate. I'm all chocolated out. Hard to believe but even harder to achieve.

Kyla said...

So true. I usually eat a cookie at the beginning and skip everything after...except for the part where you ate cookies later. I do that, too.

moosh in indy. said...

Alton Brown is my dirty kitchen man.
I'm proud you stopped at 6, I usually eat the whole bag.

kittenpie said...

This is why I can't diet. I get more obssessed by what I can't have and end up eating MORE than when I just try to be reasonable instead. Feh.

Sandra said...

yummmm ... tyler (licking lips)

Di said...

Alright, as I stay away from the Food Network (because then I might have to actually cook food). I had to look up Tyler. Okay, yeah I see. Now, is it that he is pretty hot or that he cooks or both. I mean a man in the kitchen could look ick and still be pretty hot, ya know. And I don't mean in the kitchen cooking hot dogs, but real food. Real food that you didn't have to worry about buying everything for or finding time to chop and prepare. Nothing like making a nice meal with kids running around all over. Ahhh