Daily Affirmations - Or, how I became a Stay at Home Mom and learned to love it

This post has been in the making for quite some time but I've never been able to bring myself to write it. After reading this and this and others like it I've decided now might be the right time. But what really pushed me over the edge was the royal blue foil wrapper that held the Dove chocolate that I was jonesing for the other night. If you haven't yet had one of these little beauties, on the inside of each wrapper is a "Promises Message". Think Stuart Smalley meets a fortune cookie. My message was "Find Your Passion" and it stuck with me for awhile. Silly, I know. Its like looking for the meaning of life in a Bazooka Joe gum wrapper. But stranger things have happened. Newton had his apple, Franklin had his kite. I have my chocolate wrapper. You see, I've found my passion - Twice. I had one taken from me, gained another, but now I want them both. I've been eating a lot of chocolate in the hopes of finding the wrapper that will tell me if that is possible.

To give you some background, a few years ago I was working for a Fortune 500 company (which I will refer to as the Really Big Technology Corporation, or RBT Corp. for short), making the most of my college degree, bringing in some decent money, and dreading every single day I had to go to the office. Most of my days were spent hating that damned job. Heavy emphasis on the word "job" because it was not my calling. I did not love, or even really like, what I was doing because it was not my...

Uh huh...

Passion.

It was no way to live, but at the time I had no other choice. I had pigeon-holed myself into this small niche in the technology/media sector and there were few places to go except onward and sideways in my current career choice. Then Fate, in her infinite wisdom, stepped in and dropped a bomb on me, as she is want to do from time to time. I received a job offer from an expatriate of the very same "RBT Corp." where I was currently wasting the best years of my life. The offer was to come work for him and his wife in their new business which catered to area pooches and their families. I was to be in charge of the start up and management of a division of this business which would fill a need that wasn't currently being successfully met in our neck of the woods. I was expected (or maybe I expected it of myself) to set the gold standard for canine socialization and I would be paid well, for that industry, for doing so.

(I know I'm being vague, but I have to watch out for the crazy Googlers who could easily stumble upon this blog if I were to spell out exactly what I did. Hang in there with me.)

How could I turn that offer down? Doing that type of work was something I had dreamed of for years and, with the support of my husband, now I had the opportunity to live that dream. It wasn't glamorous and there wasn't much room for advancement. I didn't get to wear Jimmy Choo's to the office. I did, however, go to work in comfortable jeans and a baseball cap. I got wet puppy kisses on a daily basis and played fetch for a living on top of my regular management responsibilities. I helped many an owner get to know their pampered pooch better and answered countless frantic questions on training away bad behaviors. And I saved a few dogs from the pound. That, to me, was worth its weight in designer clothes.

I was damn good at my new career and I helped my bosses build a very successful business. For two years I poured blood, sweat and tears (literally) into my work, fourteen hour days were common even deep into my 9th month of pregnancy. Up until a few days before my mother died - I was at work. During my first trimester of pregnancy when I lost an alarming amount of weight due to morning sickness - I was at work, often running back and forth from the bathroom so I wouldn't lose my breakfast in front of the customers. During the rest of my pregnancy, when I was on medication due to an extreme case of that same morning sickness that lasted all nine months - there I was, still at work against my doctor's gentle urging to slow down. In fact, I only missed one day of work in nine months due to a pregnancy-related sciatica when I couldn't have gotten out of bed if I tried. I ran myself ragged because I was passionate about what I was doing.

When the time came to talk about what was going to happen when I returned from my unpaid maternity leave, I sat my bosses down and told them I would come back part time because I couldn't afford full-time daycare on my salary. I had my portion of the business running so well that my resposibilities could be handled in a shorter amount of time and as a show of good faith I took a slight cut in pay. It was a win/win situation on both sides. I could continue working in a smaller capacity, allowing me time out of the house, and they would, ultimately, end up saving money. I thought we had a deal and I left to have my baby, but not before assuring all my favorite customers that I would, indeed, be back in two months.

Then Fate stepped in again and, in her divine will, shoved me out of my rosy haze. My baby was extremely colicky, she nursed every hour, and could only be soothed by me. When my maternity leave was up I tearfully handed her over to my mother-in-law and went back to work two days a week for 5 hours at a time. I assured my bosses that I would soon be working the agreed upon 20 to 25 hours, but right now no daycare could or would handle my infant and my MIL was already taking two days off from her job to babysit. The next two weeks were horrible. Chicky Baby hated taking a bottle and she cried most of the time I was away. I was forced to pump in the only place available at work - A small bathroom right off the lobby - and I ended up with an extreme case of mastitis that forced me to take time off from work so I could go to the doctor and get antibiotics. I still enjoyed my work, but I was beginning to dread those two days I would be away from my daughter. That's when Miss Fate, who up until that point was still being ignored, started kicking me in the gut while I was down.

After two weeks of working I received my first paycheck and stared upon what I thought was a clerical error. My paycheck was missing about a third of the pay that my bosses and I had agreed upon. Must be a mistake, I thought, so I left notes for my boss to correct it (she was, strangely, absent whenever I was working). The next week, there it wasn't again. After finally catching up with one of them I was told that since I wasn't working in the same capacity that I once was they had decided to cut my pay to reflect the change in job resposibilities.

But my responsibilities were the same, just less hours.

I wasn't informed ahead of time that they would be doing this.

I was being punished for running such a well-organized part of the business.

That amount of money would barely cover daycare.

All of my lawyer friends had the same advice for me, I could sue but it wouldn't get me far and it would cost me money and time. So I took the high road, I told them to enjoy running the business without me and I slinked away with my tail between my legs. After many sleepless nights and tear-filled days spent trying to get the knife out of my back I finally realized that Fate had been right all along. For me, being with my daughter was the place that I was supposed to be. She needed me far more than my back-stabbing bosses did and once I was comfortable with that realization I could finally enjoy my second passion: Being a Mom. And much like my previous career, I'm damn good at this new one. It was a choice that was made for me, but it was the right one - For me and my family.

Now the time has come to think about what's next. Chicky Baby isn't going to need me this much forever, I've got to get the ball rolling on my future and that means:

Starting my own business.

I've got the skills, the knowledge, and the desire... and since I took that high road and have continued to teach a few classes for the people who thought they didn't need me (but my spies on the inside tell me differently) I've got a customer base in the making. Its time to reclaim my passion.

But, this time, Fate can go take a long, needed rest. I'm not going to rely on her this time.

Although, I wonder if she could get me an appointment with her business partner, Luck?