My next post will be about how much I love Polident

To the people in the red Jeep:

Hi there. Yeah, I see you. It's hard not to, being as close to the woods as we are. I see you trying to be all sly, driving out of the woods with that shit-eating grin on your faces. You pass me on the street at all hours of the day and night. I try to turn a blind eye to you and your ilk (because you are certainly not the only ones who go out there for a "joy ride", ahem) even though it clearly says at the head of the trail that vehicles are PROHIBITED from entering. But hey, I've been in your position once or twice in my early days. I used to get a thrill from hopping into a boyfriend's truck and four-wheeling in the woods, maybe some parking.

(Okay, definitely some parking)

(Okay, maybe there was a lot of parking)

You know what I'm talking about. I've seen you enough times to know who is in the car. Do you think I'm under the impression that you're going out there for a picnic? Like I said, I've been there. It was a hundred years ago and I was much more limber, but I've been there. I don't really care. That's your business.

However.

It becomes my business when you dig up the trails so badly it becomes dangerous for anyone to walk on them. It becomes my business when you leave your trash, your beer cans and cigarette butts and fast food wrappers, all over the place. And it certainly becomes my business when you leave your condoms (ew, EEWWW) where my kids could pick them up. Or just as bad, where my dogs can find them and use them as chew toys. Seriously, you bring it in, you take it out. This isn't your garden, go spread your seed someplace else.

Oh, and also - it's Spring. It's muddy out there. The next time you get stuck and spin your wheels loud enough for everyone in a 2 mile radius to hear, I'm calling the cops. And if you think you'll get retribution because you're smart enough to figure out who called the fuzz, just a heads up - I've got your license plate number. I may be turning into an old fart (okay, I'm definitely turning into an old fart) but with age comes wisdom... and home-ownership. And with that home-ownership comes tax money and clout. I will get a gate put up at the trail head so fast it will make your head spin, so don't mess with me unless you want to pay by the hour for a cheap hotel room. Or become celibate.

Now, if you'll excuse me I need to go change my Depends undergarment and soak my dentures.