Free to... have bad taste in music? I don't think so.

You can sum up the difference between my husband's upbringing and mine with one simple truth: His parents bought him "Free to be You and Me" when he was a kid and mine didn't.

I didn't even know there was such a thing as that album until I was in my 20's. True story.

Where his parents fostered individuality and free thinking, mine were of the mindset that things were done their way and we, my sister and I, had to deal with it. So while my husband was learning that "It's Alright to Cry", as so many other kids in our generation were, I was learning the words to Frank Zappa songs. Slightly inappropriate? You betcha. But at least I knew to avoid the yellow snow.

Not that my parents didn't supply us with some proper kids music. I had the standard issue plastic Mickey Mouse record player, with Mickey's finger as the needle, and an album or two of Disney favorites and compilations of oldies but goodies like "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt" and "On Top of Spaghetti". But I also had the album from "Grease" the movie. Because, apparently, my parents saw no problem in a 7 year old belting out such lyrics as,

"Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee
Lousy with VIRGINITY."

And my personal favorite,

"You know that ain't no shit,
We'll be getting lots of tit,
in Grease Lightning"

By the grace of some higher power, I grew up fairly well-adjusted and in need of only the most basic of psychiatric care.

(Electro-shock therapy counts as "basic", right?)

But even though my musical taste is far, FAR, better than my husband's, I still feel as if there was some important part missing from my childhood. Which is why I recently bought "Free to Be" for Chicky and C.C on iTunes.

Well that, and I downloaded "Hot Potato" the other day - a song Chicky had never heard the original of before, instead she knew our bastardized version that we made up years ago to get her into the bath tub that went something like,

"Naked baby, naked baby,
Naked tushy, naked tushy,
Naked baby, naked baby,
Has a naked,
A naked, naked, tushy."

- and she looked totally perplexed to hear these unfamiliar men singing about "Mashed Bah-nah-nah's" instead of naked baby booties.

Personally, I think it's important for kids to listen to age-appropriate music at least some of the time. There's crucial life lessons to be learned in those songs. Lessons I just don't have the energy to teach myself.

Yeah, yeah. Share with your friends. Hug a tree. Don't beat up your sister. Now run along while mommy watches "The Real Housewives of Atlanta".

However, if I can take away anything from my fucked up childhood, it is that children can learn to appreciate all sorts of music at a young age. I'm amazed, no, dumbfounded by all the parents I have spoken to who have told me they only listen to children's music in the car when their kids are with them.

"Little Johnny refuses to listen to anything but The Wiggles or Barney albums when we're out together. He doesn't let me listen to anything else."

Really? Does little Johnny have a pop gun held to your head? I have a little doughnut addict but I don't allow her to shove munchkins down her gullet every time we drive by a Dunkin Donuts. Personally, I'd rather drive myself and my rug rats off the nearest bridge than listen to Laurie Berkner on constant play. Be a parent, put your foot down. You don't know joy until you've heard a three year old sing, "Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah, I'm gonna start a fight!" from the backseat.

We went through a phase where Chicky wanted nothing more than to listen to Raffi morning, noon and night. It didn't take very long to break her of that habit. Now I allow one children's CD (one that doesn't make my ears bleed) in my car at any time and she gets to listen to it once all the way through. After that, we listen to music that I pick. On longer trips I will bring my iPod and I take requests from everyone in the car. I'll let her listen to any of the many children's songs I've downloaded as long as we can listen to some music every one will equally enjoy.

There's got to be a happy medium. I want my kids to be kids but I also want to teach them there is more to life than "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" before I lose them to their generation's version of the Jonas Brothers. Because then, not only will my ears bleed but I think my head might spontaneously explode too.

Now, lest you think I'm just concerned with being the "cool mom", you can put those thoughts to rest right now. Coolness has nothing to do with it. Music that makes my teeth itch. That has everything to do with it.

I'm working on another kid-friendly playlist that will include music specifically marketed to kids as well as popular music that kids will enjoy and I hope to post it before the holidays. If you want to help out leave your favorite music in the comments and I'll sift through them and add my own to come up with a new list. Those who dare add anything from Barney will be publicly ridiculed. Possibly tarred and feathered too.

Down with Raffi!

If I have to listen to one more Raffi song, or have to sing "Baby Beluga" one more freaking time I'm going to commit Raffi-cide.

Chicky has decided that nothing, and I mean NOTHING (Capitalized for emphasis. Not over emphasis mind you, because, yeah, I'm Raffi's bitch), should come out of my iPod other than Raffi. Raffi in the morning, Raffi in the evening, Raffi in the Goddamn afternoon. Raffi Raffi Raffi. And if I dare put on some TMBG or Justin Roberts, even Berkner (hey, desperate times), Chicky will have a meltdown of epic proportions. I'm starting to hate that poor, sweet, bearded man.

I didn't always hate him. As kids music went I kind of liked dear old Raffi. I liked his messages, I even liked the religious undertones of his songs. Spirituality without having to get our heathen behinds out of the house early on a Sunday morning, I could dig that. And there have been some crucial times when his songs have come in very handy - like teeth brushing. That "Brush Your Teeth" song has worked like magic to get Chicky excited about keeping her pearly whites clean.

But c'mon. Enough is enough. I kinda wish the "Five Little Ducks" would stay over the river and far away. Screw Mother Duck and her tedious quacking. Quack quack my ass, Mother Duck. These little ducklings gotta get themselves some action.

And maybe the fatties of the "Six Little Ducks" wouldn't widdle waddle so much if they went on duckie Weight Watchers. Stop floating in the river and start paddling.

What was I saying?

Oh, yeah. I'm starting to loathe Raffi.

I don't hate kids music, let's get that straight right now. There's a lot of good music out there for the under three feet tall set and I'm thrilled that I don't have to listen to the music of my youth (you know, when we would beat on rocks with sticks and make maracas out of deer hides and bits of bone) if I don't want to.

But, Aha! There lies the rub. I do have to. Chicky is holding my iPod hostage. Play some Raffi and nobody gets hurt, sucka.

I can't always convince her to listen to other children's music but occasionally I can convince her to listen to some of mine. Especially hard rock from the 80s. But though I love to see my two year old bang her head and attempt devil's horns with her wee fingers I think she may be a bit too impressionable to be listening to "Pour Some Sugar on Me" on a regular basis.

So I started to put together a list of appropriate kids music that won't make their parents' ears bleed.

(Mrs. Chicky and Chicky Chicky Baby, LLC do not make any promises that your ears will not hemorrhage after listening to these songs 152 times in a row. That is the choice you made when you had kids. Proceed at your own risk.)

Feel free to add to this list. I'd love to know what you have on your MP3 players that your kids like to groove to.

Bouncing Around the Room - Phish
Coconut - Harry Nilsson
Rock Lobster - B-52s
Any surf song from the Beach Boys
Yellow Submarine - The Beatles
Crawfish Song - Buckwheat Zydeco
If You Want to Sing Out - Cat Stevens
Send Me On My Way - Rusted Root
I Like to Move It - Sascha Baron Cohen
Who Let the Dogs Out - Baha Men. Find the clean version.

(Yes this song may make you want to slam your head in a window but kids seem to love it. And in my home it's not just a song, it's a way of life.)

(And the video I linked to is all about cute dogs doing things that any dog trainer would be horrified to see! Good times!)

Theme from Rawhide

(Okay I'm making a funny, but this frequently plays in my head when I'm trying to get Chicky moving in the morning.)

Jump Around - House of Pain (That about says it all, doesn't it?)
Shiny Happy People - REM
Walk the Dinosaur - Was (Not Was)
Hooked on a Feeling - Blue Swede (It's not about the song, it's about the Ooga Chuckas)

*******

As with any list, this is a work in progress. I could be updating this for weeks. Whoohoo! Another time suck!