Thursday, July 02, 2009

And no, Christopher Cross is not invited

It's the Thursday before a holiday weekend - except for you Canadians, happy belated Canada Day! - and we here in the North East are experiencing a pattern of weather that I like to affectionately call A Hundred Pounds of Shit in a Five Pound Bag.

Too harsh? You should have seen what I deleted.

No one has any desire to do anything but stare slack-jawed out the window at the rain and thunder and wish for Mother Nature to throw us a freaking bone already and give us just a little peak of sun. Except for you in those states that actually have sun, but I don't feel like thinking about you right now. I may say something... unpleasant.

Anyway. In honor of the rain (seriously, I think I just saw a chipmunk on a tree bark boat go floating down my driveway) it's audience participation day! Oh goody!

I'd like to know what you would take with you on an ark.

Think of it as Ark-fest 2009. Or "Ark 2.0 - The New Millenium : Moses Noah* Returns. And this time he's pissed". Or something like that.

I'll start.

I would of course take my computer. I'd Twitter the whole thing -

Day 2, This isn't too bad. We're all getting along. Even the donkey's are cooperating. Hope we don't run out of carrots.

Day 11 - Okay, what the hell is that stench? I'm looking at you, elephants.

Day 19 - Planning on inviting the pigs to the lido deck for "dinner". Craving bacon.

Day 36 - Hey! Is that land? Nope, whale. FAIL. (Get it? Fail Whale? HA!)
The second thing I would bring is toilet paper. This isn't the BC's, people. We can put a man on the moon, we can certainly install terlets for the humans.

And the third thing I would bring is John Krasinski. He would be my "Plus 1". We could repopulate the earth with adorablely lanky babies who would have their father's quirky dry wit and my love of shoes. You can thank me later, world.

So, what would you bring on the ark when the flood waters finally overtake us? And they will. Oh yes, they will.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA...*cough**choke**gag**cough* Ahem... BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

(And yes, I know I'm supposed to bring my husband and kids. But I've been stuck in the house with these people for days on end. After this last month? They're fending for themselves.)


*Yeah, yeah... I said Moses, not Noah. Honest mistake. I mean, I know Moses and Noah didn't have anything to do with each other, but wouldn't that have worked out excellent for each? Hey, Moses. God's sending this great flood somethingorother to teach us all a lesson. How's that parting of the seas thing you've been working on? *looking over his shoulder* Wanna give it a go, uh, now? Moses? Where you going?

Seven years of Catholic school right here, baby.


T with Honey said...

Forget the ark. I want one of the cruise line ships. Imagine 40 days stuck on a ship with 5 swimming pools, water slides, an ice rink, rock climbing wall, spa and all that food. Who's with me?

Sarahviz said...

I loved that you said "terlets".

I'd bring Adrian Grenier on my Ark. And I wouldn't share.

Oh, and Coke Zero.

And Doritos.

S said...

I'd trade you for a few days. I live in Phoenix, where it has been 100+ and mostly sunny for the past week and projected to be the same for the foreseeable future.

If I had to get in an ark, I'd take my Golden Retrievers along. It wouldn't help re-populate the earth with Goldens 'cause thy are two neutered males, but I'd miss 'em too much to leave 'em behind.

Anonymous said...

In addition to the hubby and kid, I would bring my computer, the Friends and House DVDs and my fluffy down comforter. Cozying up with the fam, watching some great shows for 40 days is my idea of a great time.

Even if it is in the company of stinky elephants.

Suburb Sierra said...

Fantastic post to try and beat this deluge of water! I can't see my neighbors through the mold forming on my windows.

On my Ark:

Endless wine. If I'm not on the Love Boat, I don't want to remember too much of it. Except making sweet momma love to...

Rob Thomas (you started it by not bringing your husband!)

Cheese. What is wine without cheese?

We're rounding the corner to sun...I can feel it...maybe...sort of...

TwoBusy said...

Your love of shoes will come in very handy... until you run out of alligators & crocodiles.

(At what point does Krasinski become a pair of pasty boots?)

SciFi Dad said...

You neglected to mention how your dog training skills would assist you in animal husbandry.

Maggie May said...

Forgive me but some rain sounds wonderful!

Amo said...

I'm a bad packer. You would not want to take me along.

Unless you needed 20-types of sunscreen, three times as many clothes as there are days (cause you never know, you might have dinner with the captain - Moses/Noah), my living room chair and a colander.

That should do it!

(You'd push me over board in no time flat.)

Heather Bea said...

We are experiencing a heat wave in Portland (mid-90s today), but I figure we get enough rain during the winter that it is a good trade. Can you do an anti-rain dance?

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Dyar Baby Momma said...

Ryan Reynolds... have you seen his abs?

The biggest iPod I could buy, filled with lots and lots of music.

I agree with the wine.

Susan said...

Bear. Grylls.

No, not because he's smokin' hot (Is he? I hadn't noticed. Happily married, here. Yessir.) I'm being totally pragmatic, for real. We'd need Bear to kill one of the snakes, cut its head off, skin it and fill the resulting skin-flask with his pee. When the wine runs out, we'll need something to drink. Then he'd rub a few boar bristles together to make us a nice little fire and roast us a delicious pork dinner. While the pork roasts, he'd skin an elephant or two to make sails and coast us safely to Fiji for cocktails.

Clearly, we'd then have to give the man some much deserved gratitude sex. Several hours. Perhaps days. Come on, he saved our lives, people. It's the least we could do.

Damn, now I'm all horny in the middle of the day. Great.

Hannah said...

We have had rain - no word of a lie - for 24 consecutive days. Everything smells like mildew. It's repulsive.

I would take an extremely comfy pillow, a deck of cards, a large box of dark chocolate, and Chris Pine from the new Star Trek movie.

Anonymous said...

I like Christopher Cross, but I don't think I'd be able to take his singing for more than a few days. I can just imagine trying to keep from going absolutely nuts...

I don't think I can do without my DS and my Brain Age. Gotta have something to do to keep my brain going... might as well keep my arithmetic up. :)

Binky said...

Water, wine and coffee. If I do not keep up my fluid intake, I get a UTI. True story.

And yes, I know coffee and alcohol are diuretics. That's what the water is for. Duh.


Isn't ANYONE bringing a razor besides me? In a few weeks, ladies, those awfully hairy legs (and, er, other parts) are gonna scare all those hot men right to me AND my Lady Bic! (Look, guys, no stubble!!!!!!!!)

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