Friday, September 12, 2008

Meta blogging through real life. Now with more blasphemy!

Even though I sounded like a whiny shit on my last post (come on, admit it. I was pretty whiny even if life was kicking my ass) you all left the most wonderful comments anyway, so I thank you from the bottom of my cold, dead heart.

I always told myself that if I was going to post something on this blog it was going to be 100% truthful. I may not include everything that is going on in my life but what I do share I am open and honest about. Warts, whine and all. I am not this open in my real life but here, as strange as it sounds, I feel safe to let it all hang out. Figuratively speaking of course. I'll leave the boob flashing to my more uninhibited friends.

The other night I shared this blog with a friend of mine (Hi K.!). I had recently begun to open up about this site with my friends - when in the past I had kept it secret from all except my husband and sister, even going so far as to use a nickname instead of my real name (Have you noticed yet? Look to the right. Higher. Higher. Yeah, that's it. That's me. Hi! *waving*) - so I felt comfortable doing so. Especially since she answered an email of mine practically begging for a playdate with a plea of her own. She's also a new mom of two and going through the same crap that I am and it seemed like she felt a little alone in her woe. So off I sent my site address.

Alone? Ha! I'll show you how NOT alone you are, friend. There's a whole community of people out there who know exactly what you're going through. Let me share the love with you.

I don't feel as comfortable doing this in real life. Sharing, I mean. I don't think I'm going out on a limb here when I say that in my every day travels to preschool, playdates, and visits to our local fight club other parents seem to have their shit together when I feel like I'm falling apart. I know this isn't true, but damn if the mothers especially seem to have both feet firmly in reality when I'm floating in the ether. It makes me want to shake them. What is your secret?! Why are you handling this so well?! And who does your hair?? Because it looks fabulous.

It felt like there was a short period after C.C. was born that whenever someone asked me how I was doing I felt compelled to tell them exactly how I was doing. They would ask innocently and out would come this vile spew of words before I could shut my big yap to stop them. And their faces, oh lawdy, the look on their faces when they realized their innocent question was getting them covered in my emotional vomit... After that I figured it was better just to keep my feelings to myself. Everyone was left decidedly less gooey.

And that's the beauty of this medium. When I need to purge, I purge. You can choose to read now, save it for later when you feel ready to deal, or move on quietly. Rarely, but sometimes, someone will tell me to suck it up, and sometimes I need to hear that, but for the most part you offer kind words and virtual hugs and reassurance that things will get better. Here, have a glass of wine and a Xanax, you say to me. This too will pass.

Okay, you've never offered me a Xanax. Ahem.

This is not to say I don't love my real life friends and know they'd be there for me. There are just some barriers to break down before I can feel comfortable enough to pick up the phone to any one of them and scream "GAAAAAAAAH!" and hang up and know that they'll know and understand and empathize. The women I consider my friends today (Hi guys! Please don't look at me too funny when we next meet, 'kay? This will all make sense. Promise.) were not made in the same way I had made friends in the past. We have come together because our common thread is our children. We also came together because there was something about the other that we liked, yes, but our kids were the ice breaker. Strange relationships these are. Strange and wonderful but odd and sometimes uncomfortable during the feeling out process.

Which is why I finally came out of the blog closet and shared.

(Yes, that was the point of this post. I knew I'd get to it eventually. What? Like you've never had a brain dump before?)

Now if they choose to read, my friends will know exactly how I am feeling. No pretenses, no pretending, just me and my baggage. Maybe I can convince a couple of them to start their own blogs. It's very therapeutic. Kind of like confession.

Forgive me mothers for I have sinned, it's been 9 days since I've bathed my baby.

Say five Goddammits, ten Jesus Christs, and have two bloody marys. Go in peace, my sister.

If they chuckled at all at that last bit, we'll all get along just fine.


Anonymous said...

I think I lurve you. I mean you are just so awesome. Everyone has to have a place to vent and I'm the same way with my friends, close but not scream in the phone when I'm whiney close...

I feel ya' sister.

Oh, and have that Xanax anyways...

PunditMom said...

All I can say is I 'heart' you! :)

Pgoodness said...

LMAO. Your confession and penance are perfect.

(I'm not too great at the real life friendship thing either...but I sure dig this blog world!)

toyfoto said...

The detatched introspection is what we can't always get/give to people we see in the flesh semi-regularly.

Pitty, that. But probably necessary, too.

Not everything needs answers, after all; just a little air to breathe is fine.

d e v a n said...

lmao. Love the penance.
I have people tell me that I seem to have it together (I DON'T!) and ask me how I do it. (I DON'T KNOW! I AM BARELY SURVIVING.)
So - you are definitely not alone.

SciFi Dad said...

I completely get where you're coming from with this post, even though I'd rather be anonymous and feel comfortable saying anything (like what assholes my in-laws are) than worrying about self-censoring.

My wife has shared her url with some friends, and subsequently they have my url too. I still get spooked when my neighbour says something to me about a post I wrote.

But, good for you if you've come to a place where you're comfortable being open about all of this. I must admit that part of me is envious.

Heather said...

I got a chuckle, but then I often chuckle when I'm reading here...if I'm not nodding and saying "yeah, me too." Which I was doing that too.


Yeah, anyway. I have shared my blog with most of my family and several friends. Two of my friends started blogs after I shared mine. Some people I used to see regularly still read my blog even though I don't see them anymore.

I'm terrible at making friends, off line and online!

Anonymous said...

Hi Tania! And if I had hair that wasn't purchased from Rene of Paris, I'd so take your compliment. Oh hell, I paid $300 for this hair - so thank you!

Since I'm on my 4th vodka/limeade, I'm right there with you on the bloody marys. XXOO

Velma said...

OOOOOhhhhhh. You brave woman, you. I have yet to make this move. Hell, my best friend where I live is a Republican, and we have made it through the last several elections by just... ignoring politics when around each other. I've learned that there are certain things we really can't expect to be able to express to friends who we've made on the basis of our life circumstance, rather than on heart-to-heart connections.

Julie Marsh said...

You are a braver woman than I.

I've contemplated the same weirdness about my willingness to open up to relative strangers. I think you've articulated it quite well here.

And I bathed Oliver tonight for the first time in maybe two weeks.

Shut up, people. It's a dry climate.

motherbumper said...

Did I stumble upon a recruitment blog of sorts? This kind of post is what got me into this fine mess - be warned: it will take over your life (in a totally cool way).

Anonymous said...

Okay I don't honestly remember how I came upon your blog, but I love to read it and I never miss a make me feel normal.

Creative-Type Dad said...

You're brave.
Only close friends and my wife know about my blogging.

If my family knew, I'm sure I'll never get a Christmas present again.

Heather said...

One thing I don't miss, bathing the children.

I too wonder about sharing my blog with those I know in real life. Well I have with a couple of people, but they know "me"

But I do say that I like what you are thinking.

Jen said...

I love everything you write but especially lately, it's hit close to home. I totally am going through the same dilemna about work and staying home and guilt, and I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes. All I can say is that reading your blog (every day!) has given me the most strength over the past year and a half, and I don't think I could've made it without knowing it's okay to scream once in awhile (or a couple times a day if need be). Thanks for being real and honest and for letting even those of us who don't know you into your life.

Melody said...

I came across your blog on google one day. I always read blogs just for fun and recently got mine. I'm young and don't have children, but I love reading your blog! If and when I have children I hope that I have a special little relationship with my son or daughter the way you do with your daughter! Just thought I'd let you know!

mamatulip said...

You rock. Seriously. I could have written this post, minus the sharing part. But inspire me. To share. And be blasphemous.

Backpacking Dad said...

I'm in no way anonymous, but I'm still a little weirded out when my in-laws read the blog and shoot me an e-mail about it. And then I'm all "Shit. I totally wrote a post that used 'fuck' like eighty times and I never swear on my blog but they just happened to tune in that one damn time."

My in-laws are Mormon. I have self-censoring dilemmas. When I'm not drunk-blogging.

carrie said...

Well done! I agree with so much about this - having just recently handed out my url to real people! IMAGINE, real people?

Now if they question why I act like I do, they can read all about it! And, hopefully, not feel so alone.

Sarahviz said...

Can I just say that when I first met you I thought you were TOTALLY put together in your hip jeans and pedicured toes, while I?

Was frazzled and frizzy and probably wearing mom shorts that emphasized my muffin top.

And you had packed healthy snacks for Chicky while I had tossed some stale Oreos at my boyz.

And I talked too much.

So there.

Rusti said...

wow Tania - you're definitely a brave one! My blog is private - with invites out to several close friends, my mom, sister and my SUPERCLOSE aunt being the only people I know in real life... I'm not brave enough to go public for a couple of reasons - one, I use real names when blogging, and if my family or in-laws ever read it, eh well, lets just say I'd probably be disowned, and two - I think my blog isn't interesting enough to warrant it being public - its BORING. Why waste people's time on that? Yours on the other hand - totally rocks! So thanks for sharing your honesty and humor :)