Thursday, March 27, 2008

I would totally change my middle name to narcissism... if I could spell it without needing spell check.

Okey dokey. Your questions answered, part deux.

Not a Mean Girl asked this rather unsettling question: If you had to choose between a Colonoscopy with no anesthetic or a root canal with no anesthetic which would you choose and why?

Uh. Ooo-kay.

I would have to say the colonoscopy. As Fairly Odd Mother was nice enough to point out there aren't too many nerve endings once you get past the ol' balloon knot (Eeew, I just grossed myself out by writing that) and from what I hear, a root canal without anesthetic would be akin to pulling your lower lip up over your forehead and then stapling it to the back of your neck. But with only one staple so that the lone staple would sloooowly rip out and your lip would spring back to your face like a window shade but not before slapping you in the throat. Only much, much worse.

Or something like that.

(Aren't you so glad I started with this question?)

Speaking of Fairly Odd Mother she had a two-fer: Other than animal welfare/rights/anything to do with animals, what 'cause' gets your blood thumping through your veins.

I had no problem with this one and it goes nicely with Not a Mean Girl's question - Colon Cancer Awareness. I'm passionate about getting everyone who is either in a risk group (close relative with prior colon/rectal cancer diagnosis) or over the age of 50 to have a colonoscopy.

I've slipped this year, however. Normally I'm all about letting everyone know that March is Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month and I haven't mentioned it here once this year. My bad. But it doesn't matter if you have a colonoscopy done in the month of March or any other month, it only matters that you get one if you need it.

Colon Cancer is a beatable cancer, if it is caught early. Some of my regular readers know that my mother died in 2004 from the disease and she was only 51. She was diagnosed when she was 44 years old, a full six years before the American Medical Association recommends getting your first test. Two of my mom's friends died of the disease a year or two before she did and they were also her age. Obviously testing should be done as early as possible.

If you need to get a colonoscopy and you're a little freaked out about some doctor putting things into where they should be coming out of check out this post of FOM's at the New England Mamas. She answered her "booty call" and lived to tell the tale.

[getting off my soapbox now]

And FOM's next question that, thankfully, has nothing to do with anyone's ass: Will you be totally truthful with your girls when they someday ask, "Did you ever try drugs?" or "Did you ever have sex before you were married?"

The 2008 me says Yes. Absolutely, I will tell my girls when the time is right that I did try drugs and I did have sex before marriage.

(Pick your chin up off the floor. I know your image of me is shattered but we'll all get through this, 'kay?)

The day it actually happens might be a different story, I'll probably want to lie but I'd like to believe I'll be honest with my kids.

My mom, bless her ignorant heart, tried to make my sister and me believe that she had never done anything not worthy of a Catholic saint in her life. Then one day when we were teens we overheard her talking with my dad and some friends about smoking pot. After we got over the initial shock (OMG, Mom smoked pot. No freaking way. I bet she didn't inhale.) my sister and I confronted her and she just smiled. I don't know about my sis but I had way more respect for Mom after that. She was a real person after all. Who knew?

And for the record, I didn't try pot until I was in college. For reals. But that's another story for another time.

Mackenzie's Momma asked: If you had the super power, what ONE thing would you stop/preform in the world(i.e. world peace, ending hunger etc)

I'd wipe out cancer for all living things, not just people but for animals too. And all cancers not just colorectal. Are you sensing a theme here?

Velma asked: What are the two things you've done in your life you are most proud and ashamed of?

Even though I haven't popped out the second one yet, I'm going to say I'm most proud of having my girls. I never in a million years thought my body was capable of doing any of that.

As for ashamed of, I'm still working on that. Heh. There's lots more life in me and many more opportunities to shame myself.

Christina asked: What is the most embarrassing thing that EVER happened to you in high school?

Oh Christina, high school was just one long embarrassing moment for me. But the worst one that comes to mind was the day I wore a skirt to school - which was something I didn't usually do, especially after 6 years of having to wear them in Catholic school - and I unexpectedly got my period and didn't realize it until I sat through Mrs. Rogers' English class. A big red spot on the back of a skirt is kinda hard to hide, ya know? Let's just say I wasn't the first one to notice it.

And now that I've picked off that scab I'll be having the nightmares again. Thanks Christina.

One more question before I go curl up in the fetal position in the corner and rock myself to sleep until the painful memory goes away.

Mandy asks: What's the worst thing you ever did for money? (Define "worst" in any way you wish.)

I'm not sure what Mandy's impression of me is after reading this question or who she's been talking to, but I can assure you that no matter how real those pictures look that was not me in that hotel room with with a certain governor in seemingly compromising positions.


So, um, I'll have to say all those times I was tending bar and never wore my wedding ring to get better tips. Drunk men always tip better when they think they can go home with the bartender they've been flirting with all night. It's true, look it up.

Part three of this me lovefest will happen this weekend, or whenever I can get this blurriness in my vision to go away. Whichever comes first. It probably seems like I'm drawing this out, and I am, but since Chicky performed her Three Stooges move on me I get a nasty headache if I stare at the computer for too long. And let me tell you, it's really putting a damper on my online porn watching.

Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.


Cynical Nymph said...

Duuude. My mom gave me the same line about pot (actually, it was, "I tried it once and didn't like it,"), then looking at pictures of their honeymoon one day, I see my mom in a red bikini in the Bahamas, cigarette in hand. "You told me you quit smoking on your wedding day!" I said. "... Hm. That's not a cigarette," my mom replied. My dad walked over and went, "Can you believe we brought that into the country?" "They were different times," said Mama.

Best. Conversation. Ever.

Alex Elliot said...

The period scenario was one of my worst fears in school. Now I'll probably be having nightmares too!

motherbumper said...

All this ass talk has my head spinning and I never EVER mind when you pull out the soapbox.

Oh and your period story - mine happened only a few years ago with white pants. Solidarity sister, laughter is the only recovery.

Blog Antagonist said...

I had a discussion recently with my 13 year old son, and he clued me in to the fact that he feels much closer to me when I admit to not being perfect. Who knew??

Great answers. Look forward to reading part III

flutter said...

You crack my ass up

Tania said...

I think I would endure almost anything instead of having root canal without anesthetic. Good choice.

Heather said...

Wow, and you gave me crap about the book question. Your readers are cruel. Or funny. Maybe both.

Jeff and Charli Lee said...

Sweet! I bet the reason all those women wouldn't go home with me when I was younger was because they were actually married and just not wearing their rings... and NOT because they thought I was a loser. :-)

NotAMeanGirl said...

OMG Chicky! I didn't really expect you to answer that. I was ubeing a smartass errr... dumbass? hmmm I think I have an assession going on here. *cough* I'm shutting up now. Never to be heard from again. ::hides::

Mandy said...

LOL... when I said "worst" I was thinking more along the lines of "grossest", or "most menial labour" thing and only after I hit publish did I realize how my question sounded.

Thanks for the response though, and I hear you on the colon cancer front. My friend had to do one at age 35 due to family history. Don't even want to tell you that she got glossy photos from the lab tech. Yuck yuck and triple yuck.

Mackenzies Momma said...

*snort* its a good thing I wasn't drinking when reading this post chicky it made me giggle a little.

I totally understand the cancer thing. My grandfather(A) died from it when I was 2, and my other grandfather(B) died from lung cancer when I was 7. so its a very near and dear thing!

kittenpie said...

It's amazing how embarrassing periods can be, when you can look at them objectively and think they shouldn't be, but there it is anyhow.

And me, I totally believe in telling about premarital sex - I don't expect Pumpkinpie not to, and I'd rather tell her about being careful and waiting for someone who it's right with, who she cares about and so on, not for something unrealistic like a wedding night. I'd rather give her the tools to assess a good call when she might be ready. I don't regret mine, I'd hate her to regret her choices later because I didn't teach her to be smart. On drugs, though, well, I am quite possibly one of the two people on earth who never tried any - and I'm married to the other. So she's not going to get too much voice of experience from us on that one!

The Domesticator said...

You crack me up, T! I swear I love you even more ;-)

I loved your answers.

OhTheJoys said...

Hey. Why do YOU get all the colon questions? Geez.

Maude Lynn said...

Yeah, I definitely would go with the colonoscopy, too!

foop said...

Speaking of colo-rectal cancer, start planning ahead: in six months, it's PROCtober!

The radio station I used to work at would make the morning show sidekick get an exam on the air. Lots of SFX.(Picture the rock horns in a latex glove)

Have yer menz get their junk checkt out. Um... "yo".

mamatulip said...

I am loving this.

And I want to hear about the pot story. ;)

Heather B. said...

Dude. I once found my father's pot stash on top of the fridge when I was like 10 or 11. Then I heard from two of my brothers that he really did smoke and that he had smoked with them! And then I was less in shock than offended because why didn't he ever ask me?!

Fairly Odd Mother said...

I'd do the same thing with a super power. And, I'd bring my dad and your mom back to life, a healthy life.

Your worst moment in school made me cringe. Is there anything worse than that?

My mom and dad could never lie to me about not having sex before marriage b/c I would've had to have been conceived and born within eight week's time! LOL

Anonymous said...

I've actually had both a colonoscopy and a root canal without drugs (long stories) and I have to say that they're both equally horrible. They blow air IN during a colonoscopy, did you know that? And that's all I have to say about that.