Friday, October 09, 2009

But if I do lose I'm totally going to rock it Olivia Newton John style.

Apparently, it takes another bet to force me out of hiding and writing on my blog again, but this is so worth it.

But let me back up a bit.

There comes a time in every person's life when they see the handwriting on the wall, where it is written in HUGE BLOCK SCREAMY LETTERS -

HEY, COTTAGE CHEESE ASS, PUT DOWN THE DOUGHNUT!

I've never been one to pay much mind to HUGE BLOCK SCREAMY LETTERS, especially when they're being insulting, so I kept eating the doughnuts. Lots of them. Because I love them dearly. Mostly the apple cider type because it is apple season around here and, oh my sweet jeebus! Have you ever tasted a fresh out of the fryer apple cider doughnut? Lightly sprinkled with cinnamon and sugar?? That's a little piece of heaven on earth right there, I'll tell ya. Uh huh. A little piece of doughy on the inside, crispy on the outside, fried in lard and covered in sugar heaven...

[Insert picture of me with a thought balloon over my head with a picture of a warm apple cider doughnut and a big goofy grin on my face here]

What I'm trying to say is, I may have partook of the baked goods a little too much lately. I've gained a bit of weight (a small child) and my jeans don't exactly fit anymore (sausage thighs) and after going through all that torture to find jeans that fit, well, that's just not acceptable. Also, I'm cheap and instead of buying new jeans that do fit I'm squeezing myself into jeans that don't fit and it's amazing I make it through the day without passing out at least twice from lack of oxygen.

I wish I could say this was a gradual process and it sort of snuck up on me but the truth of the matter is, most of my weight gain has happened since BlogHer in July. I had lost some weight before the conference (mainly to fit into those new jeans and as not to embarrass myself too much in front of size 0 boutique sales associates named Kimmy) but since I've been home it has been a nonstop baking and gorging extravaganza around here. And also more than a little late night Nutella eating. Straight out of the jar. Maybe a spoon was involved, but probably not. I have no shame.

And did I mention I broke my toe in June which made putting on a pair of sneakers really difficult? It's hard to exercise when you can't put on sneakers. May as well just sit on the couch with a full jar of hazelnut spread and practice my french kissing technique.

(No. Shame.)

I'm not the heaviest I've ever been but I'm close, and this is certainly the saggiest I've ever been. I waved at CC the other day while I was getting ready when I caught sight of myself in the bathroom mirror. My hand stopped saying hello but my upper arm flab was still flailing enthusiastically. Guess how I dealt with my sorrow.

Now, you might be saying to yourself, But Tania, why don't you stop eating so many cupcakes, and cookies and doughnuts and for heaven's sake take your head out of the Nutella jar and start working out. And to you I say,

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I love food and I love to bake, and as strongly as I feel for all things fatty and sugary I have equal hatred for working out. I hate the gym. I loathe everything about it. I lack the inclination and desire to go and honestly that steep monthly price tag for a gym membership is not enough to guilt me into dragging my saggy parts to a facility that smells like body odor to work out on weight machines that are really torture devices in disguise. Torture devices that may or may not have been wiped down after the guy with the back 'fro used it before me.

No, what I need is outside motivation - for instance, a) a team sport or b) a personal trainer who is waiting for me to show up, or c) someone to work out with each and every day who also has the same messed up schedule as I have. Since none of those are readily available since a) Team sports for women of a certain age (ahem) are hard to come by, b) did I mention I was cheap?, and c) okay, that's a possibility but that still requires actually going to a gym. And did I mention my broken toe that isn't broken anymore...? Do I need to continue? I've got a million excuses, none of them good. Bottom line, there is one thing that can properly motivate me to work out and that one thing is my desire to WIN.

And also to fit into these again.

My favorite jeans. I bought these for BlogHer '07. Then I got pregnant and haven't really worn them since. Sigh.

And maybe if I'm really good, maybe these.


Zexy. I'd like to order the ass too. Size small.


What's really not sitting well with me is the fact that I am of a certain age (ahem) and I can't shove cupcake after cookie down my gaping yap while washing it down with a big juicy steak and not expect that it's going to affect me adversely. I've been having some health concerns lately and it's high time I start taking care of myself better so that I can live long enough to be an annoying, pesky, meddling burden on my children.

Which brings me to the bet.

After chatting (okay, bitching) with Matthew from Childsplayx2 about how many pounds we've both gained since BlogHer (My misery! It loves company! Huzzah!) we realized the only thing that was going to motivate us to lose weight was our ultra competitive spirits and threats of public humiliation.

So we made a bet - Who can lose the bigger percentage of weight in six weeks.

Yes I realize I've already made a bet with him recently and I lost but this time the bet is more interesting and the stakes are higher. Much higher, and possibly wider, but without a doubt, more embarrassing.

The wager - The loser has to post a picture of himself (or herself, but let's face it it's going to be him) on their blog wearing spandex. And maybe a neon pink headband.

(Psst, anyone know where I can find a neon pink headband? You can send it directly to Matthew. Heh.)

The threat of not only stuffing my thighs into stretchy shorts but also posting photographic proof of it for the internet and friends and family to see is more than enough motivation to get my ass in gear and get healthy. Skinny jeans are a powerful motivator but fear is BETTER.

We started our bet yesterday, Thursday, October 8. I have until November 19th to lose a higher percentage of weight than Matthew. Since everyone knows men lose weight more easily than women, I'm going to need some help from the internets to keep me focused. I'll take suggestions for weight loss plans (I already know about the Shred. I lasted 3 days. That should tell you something.), diet tips, disgusting pictures to tape to my refrigerator... Anything.

Also, excuse my crankiness. I'm starving.

Wish me luck!

--------------

Starting weight as of October 8: 139.5 lbs

23 comments:

SleepyMom said...

just count calories - if you consume less calories than you burn, wou WILL lose weight and you don't even have to exercise!
I did 1500 a day and lost 20 pounds in 5months. You could try 1300 for faster results perhaps. I only felt like I was starving to death for the first couple of weeks then I adapted, and I still ate things like chocolate just in much smaller portions unless I didn't want to get to eat dinner that night. :)

Tracie said...

Luck luck lots of luck. On my own, there is no tips because when I read your nicely crafted post all I came away with from it was apple cider doughnuts (*not helpful Tracie*)

I will say that almost everyone in my family has tried the Atkins diet at least once and they all had great success with it. Some people don't like it, and it is hard, but it is all about cutting out the carbs. I did it last year for two weeks and lost about a pound a day (two pounds on a couple of those days) without being hungry all the time, which translated to going down about two jean sizes. At that point I quit because I was able to comfortably wear the jeans I was trying to get into, and I have stayed that size ever since (with the carbs back of course!)

Also, I am too cheap for a gym too, and profoundly grossed out by that other guys sweat (which I assure you he did not wipe off the machine) but, a year after my daughter was born when it no longer seemed possible to call it baby fat, I did put $10 into "Denise Austin Hit the Spot Pilates for Abs, Hips, Thighs and Buns" Only workout video I have actually liked! I just did the abs section and it worked great!!

Avalon said...

Start wearing the jeans now. Everyday. If you can't breathe, it's harder to eat. That should do it.

TwoBusy said...

Spandex? Good lord. If that doesn't motivate you, nothing will.

Gigi said...

Probably (definitely) not healthy BUT I've lost about 40 pounds. I usually grab something small for breakfast (I admit usually from a drive-thru window...) whatever I want for lunch and that's it. No dinner. No snacks. It's hard at first because your body is set on that feeding timetable; but once it resets you are fine . . . no hunger pangs. Goodness you are a brave woman - I'd never agree to that bet!!

mommygeekology said...

I think I need to do something like this too. I have shitty motivation. :(

ree said...

When you figure out the secret, please let me know.

Good luck! Although, really - you'd rock not only the spandex and the hot pink sweatband, but the leg warmers, too.

Wait! There are leg warmers as part of that bet, right?

Chickenbells said...

Good luck! And honestly? The only reason I go to the gym as much is so I can eat what I want...although I have to say, I still don't get to eat everything I want. Which is now why I'm wondering exactly IF I should be getting up that early to go sweat. Drat.

Dorene said...

I am a gym hater as well. However, we just recently joined the Y. And I've actually gone a few times. What is motivating me? Well, we wanted to get kids swim lessons so that is one reason we joined. But not enough to get me there to work out. What is working is (1) I like to eat and (2) I don't have the money for new wardrobe therefore, I must move off the couch. The 1.5 hours a day of free child care at the gym helps too. I figure at least I am out of the house and not home eating pumpkin cheescake. That's gotta be better.

The last diet I tried was the 5 Factor diet. Yes, I lost weight. But that is what happens when you barely consume enough food to survive. I was not a fan.

Joe @ IrrationalDad said...

Sometimes, it's really great to be genetically disposed to high metabolism. It's the only thing I thank my father for.

I'm too lazy to exercise consistently, and dieting just does not work for me. What has worked, however, is portion control. Eat.... then wait before you get seconds. Most time, I realize that I don't actually need seconds. It really helps me keep my girlish figure.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a quart of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream calling my name. Seriously.

SUEB0B said...

Oh holy cats. My left leg weighs 139.5 lbs. I'm officially rooting for Matthew now that I have heard your (snort) starting weight.

Childsplayx2 said...

Lost another 1.5 lbs yesterday! How'd those donuts taste? And I totally want to see the leg warmers.

Traci said...

Best of luck to you!!! I wanted to share a website that I stumbled on last week. Its http://www.tweetwhatyoueat.com
This website is telling you to tweet everytime you eat something & it also has calories & categories. I haven't signed up yet but I plan to.

WorkingMom said...

I'm still trying to not be bothered by the fact that I outweigh you by a small child, well, um, no, maybe a fourth grader.. still trying... now I want a cinnamon cider donut! Taannnniiiiiaaaa!

Since I'm on the Lose-It Wagon too (high school reunion in 6 1/2 weeks!!!), and I'm NOT a gym-goer either, I've started the following:

1) planning out my meals on the calendar; if I don't have to think, I'm not picking up the phone (does it mean something that I have three local pizza places' phone numbers MEMORIZED!),

2) eat breakfast!

3) eat my big meal for lunch if possible (discovered by accident - it's enough to get 3 kids fed, the Baby bathed & in bed; I was eating at 8:00),

4) eating salad for dinner - put some meat or hard-boiled egg on it (leave out the yolk), low-cal dressing, and fill up,

5) walk whenever and wherever I can (Tania, if the toe still hurts, try wrapping a bandaid around it to hold it stead, and then wear double socks and your sneakers).

I'm still looking for the magic bullet 'cause I'd love to be down by 20 pounds by the reunion (I'll be realistic and say 15 would make me happy)!

Chrystal said...

I agree with counting calories. Write it all down, everything, down to the last 15 calorie sugar packet you put in your coffee. Even the liquids you ingest. Unless it's water, it probably has calories. Also.........139.5?? wow. I'd wear spandex and a neon pink headband if I weighed 139.5 right now, that's awesome! I've been shooting for 135 for 6 months now, since I had my son.

Kim said...

Here I will send you something that will scare the pounds right off of you! Yes a picture of a middle aged fat lady ( who am I kidding I will never make it to 94) ME .... that should do it!

Anonymous said...

drink water... tons and tons of it... you will pee like a race horse... and the weight will FLOAT away...(i was gonna say FLUSH away) but that would be bathroom humor...

mamatulip said...

Awesome! Good luck!

EcoMeg said...

In my opinion, it's as simple as this and as hard as this:
Expend more calories than you consume.
Drink water - no soda.
Run at a pace where you can't talk for 20 min per day.
Pushups - the hard ones, not on your knees (work your way up to 3 sets of 20 per day).
Leg lifts (lie on back, arms flat by your side, keep your legs straight and lift them together slowly to 90 degree angle, then down again; work up to 2 sets of 30 per day).
You should see a vast improvement in a matter of weeks.

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

I'm off ALL next week - want to walk??? Lemme know!

Victoria said...

Walk. Drink tons of water and tea- any kind of tea. Eat less. Put the fork down between bites and really chew your food. Then pick up the fork for the next bite.

and GOOD LUCK! You can totally kick Matthew's ass! I'm counting on you!!!!

ronny said...

nice posting

Boston Mamas said...

Oh man, I hear you. We love to bake here too. It's definitely a problem (a good one, but still...).

Um, if it's any consolation, I think you look fabulous. In fact, I really enjoyed slapping your ass the other night at Aiming Low.

xo Christine