Sunday, February 22, 2009

This might explain her God complex.

I have a bit of a potty mouth. Cursing, cussing, swearing, whatever you like to call it, I like to do it. I like to talk like a trucker. I like the feeling I get when someone who doesn't know me very well, who assumes I'm as pure as the driven snow, hears strong language come out of my mouth. It makes me chuckle.

However, I try not to swear around me kids, I really do. Harmless interjections like "Oh hell" and "Dammit" may escape my lips on a regular basis but I save the hardcore curse words for my husband. Or for the asshole who cut me off in the rotary.

But as a lapsed Catholic, my upbringing dictates that I use the Lord's name in vain often and regularly. I can't help it. It's like breathing. Spend any time in a good, God fearing Catholic's home, especially those of the old school variety, and you'll hear the God's name being used in so many interesting ways, you'd be sure Moses was going to walk through the front door and start kicking some serious ass with a stone tablet. That's how it was in my family anyway. Cursing is much more satisfying when you think lightning may strike you at any time. I may not go to church anymore, I may not believe in the teachings of Cathol, but old habits die hard. So if I'm going to hell I may as well make the infraction a good one.

I save the more colorful phrases containing the Almighty's name to myself but I'm not above a good "JESUS CHRIST" (Caps are important here. Stick with me, this is important) or "God dammit all to hell", or maybe even a "Jesus H. Christ on a popsicle stick", and I will admit that more than once a day they've snuck through my lips in front of the kids. I'm not proud. I blame my mother. Now that woman could blaspheme with the best of them when you really got her going. Or if you stayed out until 3am without calling. I'm just saying.

For the most part those phrases are pretty tame in comparison to what could come out of my mouth when Chicky pushes my buttons, which she is inclined to do on an hourly basis. So I was feeling pretty good about my restraint until my husband shared a conversation he had with her recently.

Last weekend, first thing in the morning, she came downstairs and immediately noticed that the night before her father and I had made popcorn and popcorn means movies. Which means we watched a movie and had popcorn without her. How her head didn't pop off right then and there I'll never know.

"Daddy, why is there popcorn on the counter?"

"Because we watched a movie last night and we had popcorn while we watched it"

"What kind of movie?" Translation: If it was produced by Disney or Pixar I will unleash my wrath upon you and you will rue the day you ever dared watch a film with a CGI'd robot or cartoon fish without me.

"A musical." Okay, not really, but you explain this movie to a three year old.

"What songs were in it?" Translation: You'd better say there weren't any singing candlesticks.

"Um, there was a song about Jesus." Mr C. thought he was off the hook here. Chicky doesn't know who Jesus is. He may as well have said Cheez-its.

"That's what Mommy calls me!"

"Huh?"

"Jesus. That's what Mommy calls me. She calls me Jesus."



Mr. C was perplexed, to say the least. But it took him about three seconds to realize that my blaspheming ways had struck again and this time it hadn't gone completely unnoticed by our daughter. But what she didn't realize was that I wasn't calling her Jesus, I was cursing at her.

Jesus, Chicky, stop beating on the cat. Jesus, Chicky, stop throwing your toys. JESUS, Chicky, your sister is trying to sleep and if you wake her there will be HELL to pay.

The poor girl thinks her name is Jesus Chicky.

Some people would see this as a sign to go back to church and throw themselves at the mercy of God or at the very least change how they spoke in front of their kid. I see it as an opportunity to write a new entry in her baby book.

----

To drive the point home (and to remind me that I'm not alone) SciFi Dad reminded me of this oldie but goodie:




And of course this one:
(go to about the 6:45 point)

36 comments:

Whirlwind said...

Okay, I'm LMAO off here.

But only because Meenie has been know to utter "Jesus Christ Moe". Because yeah, three sucks! It hasn't been muttered as much lately.

And yeah, my usual comment is "just don't say it at school, please?".

Blog Antagonist said...

Oh my...we are kindred spirits indeed.

I even let my kids swear. Some people think that's so wrong, but yannow...they're going to say it behind my back anyway.

I've tried to teach them that there's a time and a place and that people make certain assumptions about you if the first thing that comes from your mouth is the F bomb.

They're catching on, I think.

J from Ireland said...

That is hilarious.
As Ireland is a catholic country its practically law over here to curse and take the Lords name in vain. I love swearing. I try really hard not to swear (much) in front of the kids but they here it EVERYWHERE. Even ads on the radio subsitute the word fuck with feck so they can get away with it. Feck is good though.

Pumpkin Petunia said...

Oh my gosh, it's so true!!! And so funny!

When my two year old says "Jesus Christ!" in public, I say that's right sweetie, you've been paying attention in church. I'm not fooling anyone, of course, but it gives me a chuckle.

kristi said...

Tee hee! My little brother thought his name was BRAT NICHOLSON!

Jen said...

Love this!!! I see my husband having a similar conversation with our children someday. The harder I try not to curse the more I do. I'm just resigned to have potty mouth children...besides nothing is cuter than a three year old who says "what the hell" at exactly the right moment.

SciFi Dad said...

Bill Cosby as Himself. Try and rent it.

"Until I was seven years old, I thought my name was Jesus Christ, and my brother was God Damnit. Then one day I was out playing in the rain when my father screamed at me, 'God Damnit, get your ass in here!' and I yelled back, 'But Dad, I'm Jesus Christ!'"

Magpie said...

Priceless.

Patois said...

I had to really curb my muttering of "Mo-Fo" after the youngest started repeating things back. Truly, I managed to just say "Mo-Fo" and not the entire thing, but you'd thought he was saying it in its entirety with the looks I got.

The thought of your daughter as the second coming. Damn, you'd better keep her out of church.

Mandy said...

I can't hear these old Cosby clips enough.

Love it!

Jesus Chicky is catchy. :)

Lynette said...

AAAHAHAHA...I had a friend who's daughter thought her name was Dominique Go-to-bed.

Ree said...

Okay. Now everyone at Gate D30 at Detroit Metro Airport thinks I'm a loon.

And believe me - I'm here often enough they will remember the woman snorting coffee through her nose.

Avalon said...

Well, I say just encourage her to go into medicine. Then she can keep her god complex and no one will even notice.Jesus Chicky will fit right in.

Fairly Odd Mother said...

Oh, Chicky is going to LOVE to tell this story when she's a bit older.

Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com said...

That's awesome.

And funny.

Lol, you're going to enjoy telling her about this when she's older, I'm sure! =)

So Not Mom-a-licious said...

Comedy! I would have not been able to contain my outburst of laughter if I had heard her say that.

The other day I told the dog to shut up. And with a second passed, the Kid muttered the same thing. That's when I realized that it's time to start reeling it in! Dammit all to hell!

O's Working Mommy said...

Out of the mouths of babe's.

I occasionally have a foul mouthed pre-schooler. I too have to watch my potty mouth.
One day while playing Wii I said "son of a" and stopped because she was in the room, but lo and behold she finished the sentance for me.

Emily said...

Hahahahahaha That is brilliant!

Gini said...

We were poured of the same mold.....holy crap! I love you....in a bloggy friend sorta way. You are cracking me up, especially with this post that indeed tells the story of my house, too. Love it!

Backpacking Dad said...

Am trying to employ "smurf" as much as possible now that my daughter can repeat everything.

Smurfing smurfer-smurfer.

Bronnie said...

OMG What a classic! I try no to swear in front of the kids, but the F word comes out all too often. And the other day when a guy cut me off in traffic, my six-year-old said contemptiously: What a D**khead!
The kids both say: "Oh My God!" a lot too. My religious parents hate it!

Pgoodness said...

*snort* That's fantastic!! If I slipped just a little more often, my kids would think my husband's name is Jackass (we do a lot of in jest name calling around here). hehe

Linlee said...

Classic!

When I was little I asked my mom if Easy could come over and play. She asked me who Easy was.... I was talking about a boy named Alex. His mom always said "easy Alex" because he was rough on things.

mothergoosemouse said...

Nuh-UH.

Jesus T, I'm laughing my goddamn ass off over here.

mamatulip said...

I love you. That is all.

Cait said...

awesome. that is amazing.

Domestic Extraordinaire said...

I haven't laughed that hard in a long time! Thanks!

motherbumper said...

JESUS CHICKY!

And yes, Gigi thinks her name is Jesus too.

We are going to have so much fun in hell.

courtney said...

Oh, that's awesome. That had me laughing so hard I had tears.

Lesha said...

Oh no, I am so dreading the point when my mouth gets me into trouble like that. I am really really bad when I knit. Which is sort of funny, since knitting is supposed to be relaxing and all that.

And thanks for the Cosby comedy!

juliejulie said...

Well, at least you're praying, dear.

juliejulie said...

Well, at least you're praying, dear.

Debbie said...

This is my first visit but it won't be my last. You are hilarious. I love hilarious.

Tubo Family said...

Hilarious. My 4 1/2 yo has popped out a few good ones too and I know who he learned them from....Here from Five Star Friday.

kittenpie said...

Fortunately, mine has a name longenough to catch myself most times by the time I get to the end of it, but she totally tacked the "hell" on to the end of my bitten-off curse, "Bloody - " once. Piped up from her wee stroller, in fact. Niiiice.

Al_Pal said...

So. Funny! Oh, man...
Kids. :P