Dear Friend

Hello friend. Come in, have a seat. Let me take your coat, pour you a cup of coffee. Or would you prefer tea? It's still a bit early for a glass of wine but come back later and I'll open a nice bottle for us to share. Until then can I tempt you with a piece of blueberry lemon bread? It's homemade, I made it just for you. I hope you like it. I really do.

What's that? Thank you, that's very nice of you to say. I'll keep your compliments tucked away in that special place reserved for kind words and sentiments, the place I visit when I need a boost. What I won't tell you is that I spent the entire day before cleaning up the joint, vacuuming the pet hair, clearing away the cobwebs. I wiped away all the dirt and grime for you. Well, not all for you. I welcome the opportunity to gussy up for others, because if left to my own devices I'd let everything go to pot. No, it's no way to live, but it gets me by. For now. But let's not dwell on unpleasant things. Let's keep it light. Breezy. Happy. I do love to laugh, I hope you do too.

Can I tell you a joke? Let me tell you a story and I'll pepper it with quips and one-liners. Yes, sometimes I'll go there, teetering on the edge of that dark place, but I always come back. But I'll make your head snap. You might wonder why I got so serious all of a sudden. Sitting in front of me, I'll make you squirm. I'll make you uncomfortable. Let's go back to being silly. Yes, silly is easy. Keep it easy, light.

Dark is easy too, I'm afraid. Dark is very easy for me. But I've learned to keep it tucked away. No one likes to be reminded of the darkness. No one wants to think about that cloud that hangs above our heads or peaks from behind the open doorway. I try to remove its dark, pointy fingers from my shoulder. Sometimes I give in to it, the darkness, it's easier that way. I get worn down. I get very tired. I get very raw from its chafing grasp. I try to keep it under control. For you, my friend, for you and for my family I try to keep it under control.

Can I pour you some more coffee? Let me warm it up for you. Let me feed you. I'll jump through hoops, do a less than perfect cartwheel, a song and dance perhaps. All for you. Help me keep up this appearance. I'll feed off of your joy. If I make you laugh that will sustain me for awhile.

Have you met my child. She's beautiful, no? I never knew how easy it would be to hide behind her. I never knew how much I wanted to hide until I had her. Let's talk about her. About your child. Yes, let's talk about them. Let's deflect the attention from me, onto her, onto them, onto you. So, tell me about yourself. Can I take a peek into your inner workings? Can I see your vulnerability? It makes me strong.

It's time to go. I do hope you enjoyed your visit with me. I enjoyed having you, I really did. Now tell me, did I fool you? Did I convince you that I can keep it together. Once we get more comfortable I'll let you in on my secrets and I hope you'll let me in on yours. But not all of them. No. We must keep some things hidden. It's better for our relationship to be that way. If I believe that you're strong, even if you're not, and if you believe that I am too. I'll let you cry on my shoulder, it will make me feel stronger. Please don't expect me to cry on yours. I have strong shoulders and a weak heart. Let's not go there. Okay?

Please come again. If you do then I will know that I have fooled you. You'll like me, if you don't get to know me. If you do get to know me, the real me, I'll know you're a special person. And I won't have to obsessively clean up before you come. I'll let you see the ugly bits. But next time, you bring the wine.