Where positive reinforcement ends and I consider crate training my toddler

On the surface Chicky seems to be the most gentle, thoughtful toddler you could ever hope for. She says Please and Thank You (and You're Welcome - she's big on the You're Welcomes). She's friendly enough to say Hello and Bye to family, friends and strangers in the grocery store but not so friendly that she's in your face every second. She plays well on her own, even though she prefers to play with someone else. She's helpful with easy chores and generally is very good about putting her toys away when asked.

Chicky is the child every parent dreams about.

And then there's the Chicky that comes out when no one else is around but me or Mr. C.

That Chicky hits when she's frustrated. She slaps. She screams. She'll haul off and cuff us in the ear if we get in her face or do something to displease her. She'll throw things, either at us or in our general direction and her aim is so good that if the item hits you, you'd better believe she meant to hit you.

I've tried to teach her to hit things like pillow cushions when she's frustrated, and she does, but nothing alleviates her suffering like hand hitting flesh. The other day I tried to teach her to clap when she felt angry but the end result was a whack to my head and then she clapped. It looked more like a victory celebration than redirecting anger in a positive manner.

When it comes to dealing with my toddler's outbursts I believe in redirection and praise. In my job as a dog trainer I preach the gospel of positive reinforcement and rail against constant negative punishment. Not that punishment doesn't have its place, its just not what I generally go for first or teach my students to rely too heavily upon. But toddlers aren't as easily shaped and their behavior not so easily modified with simple praise and small treats as animals are - and it's beginning to make me frustrated too.

I'm the person who, if I really set my mind to it, can teach a dog to do any number of tricks, from fetching the paper to turning off a light switch. I can teach a dog to be as obedient as that dog is capable of being (I'm a trainer that believes that not all dogs are created equal, and that's just the way it is), but most days I feel as if I'm failing with Chicky.

It may seem odd to compare caring for a dog to caring for my child but if you compare a modern dog training book written by a positive dog trainer and a modern child-rearing book the methods are not so different. But the fundamental difference between the two is the emotion involved. For me, when a dog acts out and refuses to cooperate with all my methods I simply walk away and try again later. When my child refuses, however, it's a whole different ballgame.

She pushes me. I think many of you know where I'm coming from. The angrier I get the more she laughs and does what she pleases. Is there anything more grating than reaching the end of your rope with your kid and having them laugh in your face? If there is, I hope to never see it.

A couple of weeks ago she pushed me further than my nerves could take. I was just getting over my morning sickness but still not feeling all that well. She was bored from multiple weeks spent in the house and acting out more than usual. Mr. C was home but it was one of those days when I felt he was pulling his weight. It probably wasn't the case but that's what it felt like at the time.

After many time-outs, naptime had finally rolled around. I was done. As I tried to change her diaper, after chasing her around her room for about five minutes and finally wrestling her to the ground, she kicked me - hard - right in the stomach. And then she continued to do so, or tried to do so, even though I told her not to.

I snapped.

Slap!

My bare hand slapped her bare butt before I even knew what was happening. Hard enough to leave a small pink mark and a sound that got her attention. Chicky's face slowly crumpled as she went from laughter to tears. I don't think I'll ever forget that day or that face. I don't believe in spanking such a young child. I don't know if I believe in spanking at all, but a toddler? I was completely ashamed of myself.

I remember how I was feeling before I spanked her. Betrayed and emotionally pained that she wanted to hurt me. Walking away didn't seem to be an option at the time.

I'm not beating myself up over this, too badly anyway, because I know I'll be pushed again. I'm human and she's a kid. We've got a lot of learning to do.

I don't have a nice, clean ending for this post because this entry, like this subject, is more of a "To Be Determined" subject. My hope is that I'll be able to continue raising my child in a positive manner with occasional punishment only as necessary while I keep the memory of that day I spanked her in the back of my mind. Chicky is a good kid, all of her violent outbursts aside, and that's got to come from somewhere. Does that make me seem slightly delusional and naive? Well, that's to be determined.

It's worked for my dogs pretty well so far.